Help For Sex-starved Wives By A. Sachs

[ladylove]

Help for Sex-Starved Wives

By ANDREA SACHS Monday, Apr. 07, 2008

Bestselling author and Today show and Oprah regular Michele Weiner Davis, is no stranger to private marital matters. Weiner Davis, a clinical social worker, has been working closely with couples — those on the brink of divorce or otherwise in crisis — for more than 20 years. She's collected some of her wisdom in her new book, The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire (Simon & Schuster), another intimate "brown paper bag" title, as she jokingly calls it (others include Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage). TIME reporter Andrea Sachs caught up with Weiner Davis by phone at her home in Boulder.

TIME: There's a popular image of husbands who can't get enough sex. Is that a myth?

Weiner Davis: A few years ago, I wrote a book called The Sex-Starved Marriage, where I described what happens in marriages where one spouse is desperately longing for more touch or more sex than the other. In that book, I devoted a mere seven pages to the unique challenges for women when they're the more highly sexed spouse. I was inundated with calls, letters and e-mails from women saying, Thank you so much for writing about this because I honestly believed I was the only woman in the world whose husband wasn't chasing her around the living room.

A desire discrepancy, or a desire gap, is the most common problem brought to sex therapists. It's estimated that one out of every three couples experiences this difficulty. And that really doesn't count the kinds of hills and valleys that all couples go through, even when they have a really healthy sex life. It's really what becomes the main issue in their relationship.

Do these marriages often end in divorce?

Unless they get help, they often can. The other thing that happens is the person with the higher desire just lives their life in lonely misery. More men than women complain about not getting enough sex, [but] the difference between the two genders is not nearly as great as the general public believes. Low desire in men has got to be America's best-kept secret.

I teamed up with Redbook magazine to survey women about what goes on behind closed bedroom doors. Over 1,000 women responded, [and] 60% of them reported that they wanted at least as much, if not more, sex than their husbands. What was also interesting, but not surprising, is that the vast majority of men who experienced low sexual desire were completely unwilling to talk with their wives, go to a doctor or go to a therapist. In a culture that equates masculinity with virility, it's no wonder that these guys are tight-lipped.

So, what happens in these marriages is that women feel exasperated because they are incredibly lonely. They feel isolated. When someone is more highly sexed, the person who has less desire really thinks it's just about having an orgasm. [but] to the more highly sexed spouse, it is truly about feeling wanted and loved and emotionally connected.

You divide couples into higher-drive spouses and lower-drive spouses. Is that always true in marriages?

Sometimes [spouses] are fairly evenly matched — sex is not an issue, and it's a good part of their marriage. But it is very, very common for people to be mismatched in their sexual desire. That in and of itself is not a deal-breaker and is not necessarily a problem. How couples deal with that really becomes the issue. We discovered in the survey, and it bears itself out in my practice, that the person with the lower sex drive controls the sexual relationship, not out of a need to manipulate or control, but because they have veto power. If they're not in the mood, it doesn't happen. There's an unspoken agreement: the person with the lower desire expects his or her spouse to accept it, not complain about it, and also to be monogamous. In my years in working with couples, that's pretty much an unfair and unworkable arrangement.

What are the major reasons for these kinds of problems?

They fit into three categories: biological, emotional or relationship-oriented. [First], the biological reasons. There are many physical conditions that contribute to low desire, as well as the medications that treat them. It's a fairly well-known fact, for example, that most antidepressants dampen desire and the ability to be aroused. A cardiovascular disease of any sort is a problem too, as well as some of the medications that treat it. Hormonal fluctuations, such as testosterone, also affects sex drive. So it would make perfect sense for any man experiencing a drop in desire to start by visiting his physician and having a thorough check-up. That's step number one.

I know that a lot of women will be thinking to themselves, Yeah, right, how do I get my husband to the doctor? One of the tips I give women is that if your husband agrees, even mildly, to your suggestion to go to a doctor, use that as license to pick up the phone, schedule the appointment yourself and, when it comes time, get him in the car. You need to be the proactive one.

Very often the problem can be emotional. For example, depression is rampant. With the economy being what it is, companies are being downsized and men are losing their jobs. Women really do not understand the full impact it has on men's self-esteem when they are let go from their positions. Obviously the last thing they would be interested in is making love.

Other personal issues could be impacting on his desire to be physical: if he has a childhood history of sexual abuse, or if he grew up in a dysfunctional family and has low self-esteem. Or maybe he has a lack of knowledge about being a good lover. We're not born knowing that stuff. So education, therapy, talking about and addressing issues so that he feels better about himself — these are the steps he needs to take in order to feel like he's got something to give in the relationship.

What about relationship issues?

One myth I'd like to debunk is that if a man isn't interested in sex, it means there's some sort of sexual dysfunction. While sexual dysfunction undoubtedly contributes to a drop in desire, what I've found in working with couples is that the reasons men don't want to have sex are very similar to the reasons that women don't want to have sex. There could be underlying, unresolved relationship problems. Or one of the biggest complaints I hear from men is that their wives are critical or nagging. Trust me on this one, criticism and nagging are not aphrodisiacs. So, many men just go into a cave. You'll never be surprised to hear a woman say, If I don't feel close to my husband emotionally, I don't want to have sex. But you think men want to have sex regardless of the circumstances, even if the roof were caving in. It's not true. Some men may be like that, but many men really need to feel emotionally connected to their wives in order for them to want to be sexual.

You also talk about sexual confusion in the book.

Yes, there are many, many men who get married, have children and then, somewhere along the line, like in Brokeback Mountain, discover that they are either bisexual or homosexual. Needless to say, there's a time when they just don't want to have sex with their wives. [but] the man's drop in desire doesn't have anything to do with the wife, the woman. I point this out because one of the things that is so characteristic of sex-starved wives is that when their husbands aren't interested in sex, they immediately internalize it. They think there's something wrong with them — that they're not attractive, they're not lovable. They feel badly about themselves. And many times it has absolutely nothing to do with them and has everything to do with just the man himself.

But many women blame it on their physical appearance. Is that an issue?

Yes, and no. As I said before, sometimes guys are just overwhelmed, or they're fatigued, or they're drinking alcohol, which might lower their libido and their ability to function. So the "no" part is that it could have absolutely nothing to do with their wives.

But there's a "yes" part, too, that I don't want to overlook. I've gotten tons of e-mails and heard this many times from men in my practice, who say, "I love my wife. I want to stay married, but, I have to tell you, she has totally let herself go. She doesn't eat well. She doesn't exercise. All she ever wears is sweatpants. It makes me feel that she feels that the relationship isn't important. I've just lost my attraction for her." If [those wives] think there's any chance at all that their looks may have something to do with the problem, rather than bemoan the fact that they think their husbands are shallow — I agree — they should also understand that attraction is a very basic, animalistic thing — especially for men. Men are more visually oriented when it comes to arousal. So women can debate that, but the truth is, if they really want their husbands be more interested in them, they should pay more attention to how they're taking care of themselves physically.

Have you seen a lot of couples succeed in working out these types of problems?

You bet. I certainly wouldn't be doing what I do if I didn't see success, because it would be pretty depressing. I've already started to hear from women, based on this book, saying, I got my husband to read part of the book and for the first time he's willing to address this issue. That's the first step. In the same way that Bob Dole made "erectile dysfunction" a household word and took the sting out of having a sexual dysfunction, I think people need to feel it's okay. We know so much about how to help people, whether it's sexual dysfunction or biological problems, or emotional or relationship-oriented problems. There are so many resources available that anyone wanting a more robust sex life can have it. It's never too late to have a great sex life.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,...l#ixzz0aEg5Iv5C

[ladylove]

I thought this was a very interesting article. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. If we, the women on the board haven't done so already, it should put to rest any myth that women are less sexual. I look forward to your responses.

[Mikayla1]

What a fantastic find!!!

Yes, I have been saying it here for years - WOMEN can want more sex than MEN too! The nice thing about this article is, it doesn't point blame. I.E. if a man doesn't want sex it isn't automatically the woman's fault (she got fat, doesn't give him what he wants, etc.). Instead, this short article broaches some common reasons for sexual disconnection.

I do think it is important to note that a man can have reasons for not being as interested in sex; and that it can and does affect the woman in the relationship. In fact, in my own relationship I have always been the one with the much higher sex drive. I have been the one clawing at the bit to have more sex. THere have been many issues in my marriage with regard to this disconnection that have been dealt with. However, at the end of the day I just always want more sex.

Thanks for posting this LL. I think it is important to see the other side of the coin. At the end of the day - man or woman - if you are unhappy or unsatisfied with your sex life, we are all in the same boat!

[Mikayla1]

Having a fantasy about threesomes (in any format) is not uncommon. It is a very common fantasy, actually, for a man to fantasize about his wife with another man. There is a very taboo nature to that idea - another man's hands, lips, cock. The thing is, once that fantasy becomes a reality you may think differently about it. Some fantasies are not meant to become reality; and not everyone can handle watching their lover with another.

Take it from me, I have been in threesomes (both FFM and MFM) and it was MUCH more difficult for my then BF to handle the MFM threesome than the FFM threesome, even though I ended up in a relationship with the second F in that one. Men are very visual, which is why this might appeal to you. Men also love to see their women enjoying themselves. However, once this is going on - or over - it is natural for jealousy to seep in. It is natural for a man (or a woman) to double think things after.

Also, women can become sort of 'angry' about their spouses suggesting that we sleep with another. WHY does HE want me to sleep with another man? It must mean HE wants to sleep with another woman????

So, while I am very open minded, and think that consenting adults should be able to do whatever they want, I caution you to think this through. You are not crazy for thinking it, but you should always weigh all the pros and cons.

[ladylove]

Thanks Mikayla, I really liked it too. To date I hadn't read anything like it and really wanted to share.

[mnjon]

I think this is one of the few articles I have seen that is just out right straight common thinking and findings. I have been with women that wanted sex once a week, once a day, more then once a day.... and O the Pitty.... the last Ex... Once a month was too much for her..!!!

I only wish that the standards for women were the same as they are for men as time goes by women are more and more coming out of the closet and standing up to the facts that they are sexual beings, and that they have that animal instinct and feelings that make them seek out sex and or ways to pleasure themselves.

To me I find that lack of sexual want is something that is either hormonal or a direct result of something that had happened to the person in the past. Now I say person because even though females are the ones that one mostly thinks of when talking about past traumatic problems, males are also subject to this as well. Weather it was abuse or perhaps the mis dealing with by a past partner...!

It is sad to see things like this, and even now 2009 sex to males and females is still one of the biggest things that seems to be kept in secret and not talked about freely. Grant it, there is now more sexual freedom then ever before but that leaves us all at a loss, we need to open sex and nudity on a grander scale to be of help to the masses that are left not knowing. Schools do what is required by the state board as for sex ed ... But what is taught is a joke, at least now days there is the INTERNET and for the most part the very curious kids will find the information that they lack from the school..... even sadder is the ones that lack the information from their parents.

Forms like ours here at TT are good, I hope everyone and anyone that knows someone that can learn from them encourages someone they know to look it up and ask...... But asking is the hardest part I know but with somethings if never given the opportunity to learn something or having access to information can lead to ones not knowing what beautiful things can be found.

[H. Housewife]

Does age make a lady want more? I felt like I was  hibernating the last at least five years. All of a sudden I'm thinking about it all the time. I never went to a good strip show and I  went recently. Not exactly a good thing since I feel like I'm in my 20's. Thinking of ways for my husband to get into s&m a slow start. I'm also in a huge funk and trying my best to stay happy. Mabye it's seasonal depression but it just sucks. It's the weirdest feeling of wanting tons of sex and feeling sad.I don't want medication that will make me a total vegetable and therapists don't work. Finding true happiness is a life treasure.