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Dom Or Sub Which Do You Prefer?


nosleepnmesa

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Well I had to ask this question since we are thinking about getting into the BDSM thing. I tried it once with my husband and it didnt go that great, But me I think I would like to be submissive, to begin with and see how I like it and then maybe turn into the Dom. Please let me know which you like and why. I have read the article by Mikayla on this issue so I have the starting point of it. Just curious as to how many women or men prefer which side and why?

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My heart belongs to the sub position. Now, I have been a DOM, as a professional. However, I was in a relationship with a guy for a long, long time and I was the sub - and I enjoyed being the sub - my inner self identifies with it. I am a pretty outgoinging and "powerful" person in life - when I get in my bedroom - I like to be dominated - that is just my preference, so for me, submission is what works for me.

Mikayla

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I am definitely a sub!!! I have always felt that way inside, that I wanted a man that would take control, but I never really had a name for it. All the guys I dated before I figured it out were.... meek. I knew I was missing something. I talked to a friend of mine about it, and she explained it to me. She's very much into BDSM. She's a sub, and everything she said made soooo much sense to me. I am naturally submissive, and I was in heaven when I met my fiancee because he is naturally dominant. It was perfect. He gives me exactly what I need, and never more than I can stand.

Now, as to why I like to be submissive. I love giving up control to him. To know that he can do whatever he wants, and I can't stop him. (Unless it's really too much for me and I use my safeword). It's so intense too. When he pulls my hair back and kisses me or whatever. I feel like it's him showing me how much he wants me. That he wants me so bad he can't control it. I love that. It also enables me to try new things without letting my doubts or fears take over. For example, I was really uncomfortable with the idea of anal sex, I thought it was nasty, and I'd been told by several people that it really, really hurt. One night my fiancee had my wrists tied to my ankles and in the context of our game, he was telling me that he was going to take what he wanted, and I told him he could do anything he wanted to me. Then I felt his dick slip down and rub against my backdoor. :) There was something about being tied up and in his control that made me want to try it. And I found out that I do like it. If I hadn't been in that situation, I don't think I would've let him. My fear of it would have made me stop him.

I have also been in the other role. One afternoon when we were alone in his house, I started to give him a bj. He was laying down on his bed, and I just had this urge to tie him up, so I did. I loved that I could tease him as long as I wanted, however I wanted, and he couldn't stop me. See usually if I tease him too long he'll grab my hair and push his dick in my mouth, but he couldn't with his wrists tied to the bed. :) So that was a turn on, but mostly I like to be the sub. I want him to be in control, and he wants to be in control. He has no desire to be the submissive, he craves the control too much. :) So it works out great for both of us. :)

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Just a little update!Mikayla your article helped alot and OH MY GOD this time when we tried it WOOOHOO he was actually into it and it was great nothing like a little tie up on me and tease me and please me I love being Sub. Thanks all and I will keep you posted off to try more things :D

IT is amazing since the first time I tried it with him, it was horrible but this time he was more game and did really well. Communication is a serious must and comfort level to me I am highly comfortable with just about anything it took a little help on my part but I think he likes being Dom was he got into it and of course I had to miss behave just to see what he would do :)

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Sub here.....on the shy side in life and I guess the same goes for the bedroom......I love hubby being dom with me.......but one of these days I may switch things up a bit just to see how it goes......maybe I will update this post with a change.....wink wink

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Sub here.....on the shy side in life and I guess the same goes for the bedroom......I love hubby being dom with me.......but one of these days I may switch things up a bit just to see how it goes......maybe I will update this post with a change.....wink wink
:rolleyes: I have been hinting with my gf since we started seeing each other about B and D. She is not real receptive to the idea tho I have had limited success with her spanking me. If I could find a partner who was into this sex game I would love to try both dom and sub. :P I hope all of you have a safe and enjoyable July 4th weekend. Peace 12G ;)
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You know, I can switch from one to the other - I was a sub for many, many years, but then I was a DOM as a professional so I obviously can do both. I do believe that everyone has one side or the other that they truly PREFER. I don't think our personalities make it possible for us to be comfortable in both roles equally, as the true nature of DOM and sub are so polar opposite.

FOr me, as I have said, the sub is where my heart lies - although I can fake a DOM very, very well! In fact, I am looking forward to tonight, I just got my latest box from TT, and in it were a new set of restraints! WHoooppppeeeee! I will report back later!

Kayla

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You know, I'll have to respectfully disagree. While I don't think anyone can handle both sides all the time, I don't think that means they have one true preference. I've played both sides for years now, and it seems the side I "prefer" changes fairly steadily. There were points where the role I was willing to take changed simply because the partner I had was more submissive or dominant. Nothing in me truly cries out to submit, nor does anything within cry out to dominate, but I love either role and really enjoy my moments when them come, either as a sub or Domme.

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I can understand that Euphoria...and I would ask myself how deep you are into the actual culture of BDSM? My first long-term boyfriend was really into BDSM, and I was his sub for 7 years, and actually being in the "culture" of BDSM, as opposed to playing in the bedroom for sex games makes it a little different - in my humble opinion.

I am not attempting to argue, but I am suggesting that for me, my heart lies with the position that I was trained in - as I accepted and began to be stimulated by the actions of my DOM for the many years I was in the submissive position. When I attempt to be DOM, I can "fake" it and enjoy it - but my true heart always lies with the sub. When you are trained to be a sub, it is very hard to honestly be a DOM and feel like you are "allowed" to be the one in control - even though, in many respects the sub is the one in control.

So, I suppose it is different for everyone, but for me, I can only make one, true choice which is sub.

Mikayla

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Well, I'm only twenty-six, so naturally my experience is not going to be as extensive as others who are older and have had more opportunity to explore. However, I was heavily into the scene for between four and five years. And you're right, being in the culture is significantly different from just the occasional play at home. I began as a sub, as my partner at the time was very dominant, but it's always flucuated for me. I actually left my local community because I was tired of people needing me to choose a side and stay there, and have spoken to other switches locally who've had the same problem.

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I too left my community, years ago, but not because of the reasons you did. For me, I felt I was falling way too much into it - loosing myself in it. It was something that I could have immersed myself in totally. I prefer it being a supplement to my sex now, as opposed to being my sex the way it was then.

There were not too many people who did identify as a switch - they were either DOM or sub, top or bottom - not both. The few that varied were usually newcomers - but this was here.

I don't think it is wrong to identify as both - I just can't put my heart and soul into the DOM as much as the sub, so for me I can't switch.

It is interesting to have this discussion, as I have never known a solid switch before. Thanks for showing me that for some people there really is an option! ;)

Kayla

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Well Hubby and I finally tried the BDSM!!! For those of you who know I have tried this once before with my hubby and didn't go well. This time is was AWESOME!!! As before he didn't seem to want to be in a DOM position, but we tried again with him being the DOM and me being the sub. I love being the sub and being blindfolded and not knowing what he was going to do next, of course I had to miss behave a little to see if would really spank me. :) We had set up a code word for us, so that is either one of us were not comfortable then we could say it without having to break the role so much, but just enough to let each other know it was a little to far. I think I found a whole new world!! I have been tied up numerous times but he never was able to take the full DOM position with his words etc or if I tested him he would never follow threw. Thanks all on your feelings and Mikayla thanks for your article on BDSM. :D

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I LOVE being submissive. I have a pretty dominant personality, but in the bedroom I absolutly love to be dominated in every way by my husband. He is very good at it and we have alot of fun trying new things. We have gotten into some pretty extreme things, but I was taught that you were not supposed to like things like that and if you did you were sick. I took me a long time to get past that, but I finally have and I am happier for it.

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fantisize about being a sub -- i love the dirty talk and having my hands held still and having my hair pulled while he is behind but i get scared. i was raped my first time and didn't get help. so i don't know if i'm just reliving the rape with hopes of a better out come or if i'm really enjoying myself. i just know that if it goes on for too long i get really freaked out and start crying and shaking and end up locking myself in the bathroom. you would think that after 27 years and two kids and two marriages i would be over it. :unsure:

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fantisize about being a sub -- i love the dirty talk and having my hands held still and having my hair pulled while he is behind but i get scared. i was raped my first time and didn't get help. so i don't know if i'm just reliving the rape with hopes of a better out come or if i'm really enjoying myself. i just know that if it goes on for too long i get really freaked out and start crying and shaking and end up locking myself in the bathroom. you would think that after 27 years and two kids and two marriages i would be over it. :unsure:

I feel exactly the same way, for the same reason. You never get over it. You just put it aside, as best you can. I am ALWAYS the dom.. It is my comfort zone. Would really like to experiance being a sub...really. Just get really freaked out. Do like slight hair pulling and my hands held still, but in small doses....I eventually need to regain the control... I am working on it. I have trust issues, I guess....Never retreated to BR but had to stop. Shaking too. Used to wreck the mood all the time.... It was 20 years ago....it is always there.... It isn't as bad as back then. Really really want to sub.......hopefully one day.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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As an additional thought, to switching, whether it be "that night/scene" or just as a "flavor of change".

Be wary of a Dom to sub actions, with what they call "Topping from the bottom".

And to some degree, Mikayla, it is true that a sub partially controls the scene with safe or code words. But, a sub is (as i was trained: sub) that you don't have that control over the scene. You (HOPEFULLY) had already discussed any potential limitations, safe/code words and most importantly how important the trust factor is while living or playing/participating in the roles. As well as, you've put your faith (or someone has put their faith/trust) in the Dom to control the role and monitoring anything that could be detrimental to the scene and to fix it before it gets out of control in a negative way.

To me, Topping from the bottom is a sign of disrespect (while in role), as it is not your choice, nor responsibility to attempt to dictate what is taking place.

And yes, my wife and I switch from time to time, but it is SO seldom that we do. She enjoys being the Dominate role, as I am comfortable in the sub role. But, prior to her, I lived the Dom role with my ex. She was clearly more of a sub and I understood what it meant to take that responsibility.

Anyways, like M said, it's not a 24/7 lifestyle role for me and my wife - just another thing we do to keep the spice in our sex life. :)

Damien

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  • 4 months later...
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I just had my first real sub experiences Saturday and then Monday....I must say it was quite exciting.

I've recently started to realize that I wind up being dominate in so many parts of my life that I wanted to lose control in the bed room.

Now for that threesome that I've been wanting to try....

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  • 1 month later...
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I love being the sub. I do wish my Master was more dominate though. I dont want him to be abusive, but he lets me get away with alot. I would love for him tie me to the bed and punish me by whipping my pussy w/cat-o-nine tails. :rolleyes: mmmmmmm....

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  • 5 months later...
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I am and have always been the sub, I have tried to be a dom, but I just don't have it in me to be dominate. In the bed room I love to be told what to do.

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  • 5 weeks later...
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Well its seem I always seems to be the Dom one.. Though I want to be the SUB it never works out that way. as when hubby has tried to be the DOM it doesn't seem real.. Does that make sense? Thats my fanasty for him to actually REALLY mean it when he's DOM.. its just not in my love's blood to be like it.. Me on the other Hand.. Well look at my Name SpiderQueen..LOL its because I have a tat of a black widow on the back of my neck! LOL..need I say more ...lol

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I fantasy about being sub but end up being the master with her being the sub in our real life sessions. She and I talked about this kind of play this past weekend and she says she used to being in control being a teacher she likes to let go and enjoy the other side of life. I guess I can relate, I do the opposite so there balance. While she controls how far it goes I get to explore areas we never done before.

I think my acting needs improving but it is fun - maybe if there isnt alot of work for her to do I can tell her what to do tonight. She did let me be the sub on sunday although I was ripping the fish nets off her literally.

The more I think about it, acting has alot to do with the success of the fantasy we playing. It also good that I practice my commanding voice before the baby starts getting into things and I can start using my "NO!"

Glenn

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  • 9 months later...
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Well I had to ask this question since we are thinking about getting into the BDSM thing. I tried it once with my husband and it didnt go that great, But me I think I would like to be submissive, to begin with and see how I like it and then maybe turn into the Dom. Please let me know which you like and why. I have read the article by Mikayla on this issue so I have the starting point of it. Just curious as to how many women or men prefer which side and why?

Having to help raise my younger sisters and bothers,and being a professional for twenty years I was always the boss.Since I met my husband and he is a master at giving me total pleasure in all ways.I want to be his little sex sub,but he always just suggests things and I tell him to just say what he wants.He has surprised in the past with some great sexual adventures without me knowing and it was great.I could never be anything but his sub.He is the master of my sexual side.Oral

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