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ladylove

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I've read about BDSM, Master/slave sexual play, ect... However there is much I don't know. For instance I just learned (in another post) many people who practice Sub/Dom sexual lifestyles celebrate the day they committed to the lifestyle as an anniversary. That had me to thinking, how do you even get to that point of making a lifestyle decision or actively practicing BDSM in and out of the bedroom. I personally only have only experimented with the lightest of BDSM. I'm sure you don't wake up one day and say ok today is the day.......

Tell us your story. How did it all started; did it just evolve or was it an active choice; have you made BDSM a lifestyle choice; did you have a ceremony celebrating your choice; do you celebrate an anniversary for this. What are some of the things practiced that may not be commonly written about like the commitment celebration, and anniversaries I just learned about. I believe your stories will enlighten everyone.

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OK, I'll bite (pun intended, lol). First of all, many people have the wrong idea of what BDSM is. It is not an excuse for a man (or woman) to abuse their partner. It is not about force. It is about trust and respect. Yeah, I know, the respect aspect seems confusing but, really, in a true Master/slave relationship, the Master must respect the slave as much as the slave respects the Master. A Master may punish a slave, but that is because the slave has done something to be punished for and accepts, and even craves, the punishment.

Only the slave can commit him or herself to a Master. A Master cannot force another to become their slave. And if there is respect, then there is trust and love as well. The collaring ceremony spoke of is usually a very beautiful thing, where a slave not only promises his/her love, but also his/her total commitment to please Master. In return, Master vows to take care of all needs the slave has. In an ideal Master/slave relationship, the slave should have no worry other than to please Master, while Master must provide all the material needs, emotional needs, etc., of his/her slave. The couple I mentioned in another thread explained to me that she (slave) used to worry about what others thought of her, worry about managing the household bills, worry about everything. Now she only has to concern herself about pleasing him - he works and pays the bills, provides her what she needs to care for their children, etc. And if a slave wants to be released, the Master must release her/him.

Personally, the lifestyle is very appealing to me. I have learned a lot through various sites, some much like TT except with a BDSM theme. I have learned the most from talking with couples who live the lifestyle 24/7. And one thing I have learned is there are various levels of BDSM. I don't feel my husband and I are in a place in our relationship to have this lifestyle 24/7, but maybe one day.

Now, of course there are different variations with different couples having different limits, and those limits are discussed, AND agreed to by both, early in the BDSM relationship. Not all who practice BDSM have a Master/slave relationship. Some just role play in the bedroom, and there is nothing wrong with this, as long as both partners are on the same page. There is really so much involved, the research is endless, and I have just started.

How did I become interested? Well, I always have enjoyed being controlled sexually. Then a friend told me about a BDSM site. I read, learned, and liked. Then I met a couple, who even though I didn't know it at the time, practice the lifestyle 24/7. When I learned this, I talked to both of them about it and learned soooo much.

The best advice I could give someone who is interested is be open and honest with your partner, and make sure he/she is too. It can't work if BOTH aren't committed to it. And there is nothing wrong with not being interested. Not every man can be a Master. Not every woman can be a Mistress. (I personally think there is a lot more pressure on the Master than the slave.) There is some debate on whether every woman can be a slave (I don't think so) and not many feel every man has the ability to be a slave. And if any parnter thinks a BDSM lifestyle is an excuse to abuse or have rough sex, or cheat, well, then they do not really understand it at all.

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Thanks MsLayD! What you write is very interesting. In the last paragraph where you write

"Not every man can be a Master. Not every woman can be a Mistress. (I personally think there is a lot more pressure on the Master than the slave.) There is some debate on whether every woman can be a slave (I don't think so) and not many feel every man has the ability to be a slave."

I never thought of this as a lifestyle choice before a couple of weeks ago. I always thought of it as only a defined period of time for sexual play. Now I find it fascinating. The life style would not be one I would be willing to fall into. Although I love for my man to take the lead, most of the time, I am not the subservient type which is what a slave role sounds like to me. I can not and will not give up total control. Nor would want to be the Master, I like the give and take of the decision making process and shared responsibility in life. I also think you make an excellent point in the very last sentence.

"And if any parnter thinks a BDSM lifestyle is an excuse to abuse or have rough sex, or cheat, well, then they do not really understand it at all."

I'm sure how we all could see huge potential for abuse of power.

As I said before, I find this fascinating. Thank you for sharing with us.

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I finally have enough time to fully answer this post.

For me, BDSM is sort of ingrained into my psyche. I have always been a pleaser. Always. As long as I can remember, I found myself wanting to do things for those whom I loved or liked. I noticed it really early on. Then, when I was an impressionable 15 I met HIM. He was older than I, my manager at my first job at a pizza joint. He had a very commanding presence, he got a lot of attention from the girls who worked there and the ones who came in. He just had something.....

Anyway, I set out to become his girlfriend - even though at 15 I had no idea what that meant for me. Little did I know that he was grooming me from day 1. I did eventually become his girlfriend, and his full time 'slave' - and he told me that I had 'that character' that he knew he could get me to do his bidding. For almost 2 years he would bring me along places as his 'friend' and let me see how much power he had. He would have me bring him drinks, serve his friends, be a good little girl - and for this my reward might be a kiss or to be able to sit next to him. I was young and stupid, but it was what I wanted. I know many people will think that I was just young and naive and being manipulated by him, but I wasn't. I was making choices to be with him in this way.

Looooong story short, when I finally became his exclusive 'slave' / girlfriend, I was 17. Our relationship began years before we had sex. In fact, he wasn't even my first sex partner - and that disturbed him from the beginning. He did find ways to take other 'virginities' from me. As our relationship grew, I continued to make choices as to how far I wanted to take things. Meaning, much as MsLayD suggests, I felt I was meant to be a submissive. I had a strong, almost primal, desire to serve him in all manners - sexually and otherwise. Once we had sex it was a whole other level. I had never had someone take me to such places sexually - he was extremely commanding in bed. I loved the feeling of him desiring me so much and wanting me so much. I loved to explore the fine mixture of pleasure and pain (which is not necessarily a component in all Dom/sub situations.

I was with him for almost 8 years as a slave and more than 10 total and in that time I evolved into a fully submissive woman. Not misunderstand, I was still an independent person in that I was in college, I had my own friends, etc. However, when I stepped into his apartment (and eventually it was OUR apartment) I became his slave. I did as told, I was punished, I had chores, I lived completely as his submissive. The sex was out of this world fantastic for the most part - and while he did take me to my limits, I can honestly say I enjoyed every bit of it.

I was given an eternity collar around the 6th year of submission. I remember the day, May 23, a Saturday 1992 - also my Birthday. He said it was significant that I have both my birthdays on the same date. I wore it proudly. I took no shame in my role as his sub, I was completely satisfied with my life with him. We had a ceremony in front of our core group of friends. Obviously, it wasn't a 'legal' ceremony, but it was a ceremony and celebration nonetheless. I wore a corset, thigh highs and garters. My hands were bound beneath me and I was on my knees the whole time. My eternity collar was a silver collar (Like this: http://eternitycollars.com/product_info.php?cPath=18_44&products_id=142) and I loved having it. It was much like a wedding ring to me. While most of my friends did not understand it or my relationship, I did not care.

Now, I am sure those of you who don't know me are wondering why it ended. Well, BG took some liberties with me at the end of our relationship which were NOT OK with me and which were against my overall will, so I had to leave him. It was not an easy thing to do - leaving someone who I was so bound to in so many ways. He was truly a DOM and a Master - but, he took things much too far. As anyone in a BDSM lifestyle will tell you, once you lose the trust, the relationship crumbles around it.

So, today I live with a man who is not comfortable being dominant. It is a hard adjustment to make, as I am truly a submissive. I sometimes really miss the sexual side of being a slave - although, I do thrive now being more 'free' in the rest of my life.

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THANK YOU for sharing your story Mikayla! I have often wondered about that part of your life since you have mentioned it a time or two on here.

The desire to please is also something that I have always had, not just with my sexual partner, but with any person I care about, it is just sort of intensified with my partner. And I could not agree more about the trust factor. I personally think that is THE most important aspect.

A slave MUST be able to totally trust his/her Master. And that is the biggest barrier for me. I am not a natural truster and my husband has done a thing or two to rattle that - that is why I said we are not to a place to a 24/7 lifestyle right now.

I am glad you pointed out that being a slave is not the same as being pile of mush, so to speak. One woman I have talked with a lot who is in the lifestyle, has her own very respectable job, leads a group at her church, etc. If her Master told her to stop these things, I imagine she would, but she trusts him not to do something like that. He wants her to have her own life, but to commit it in every way to him.

The people who are in the lifestyle are not some kind of freaks that you would be able to point out in the mall. They are people who have found someone who has a very specific common interest, and who have an incredible amount of trust between them. Many eternity collars look like a necklace (or in some cases a bracelet or anklet) and you would no more notice it than you would any other item of jewelry, unless you are in the lifestyle, or have studied it, and know some of the signs - small locks, the BDSM symbol, etc.

I agree LL, it is fascinating and the more I learn, the more I want to learn. And there is a ton more for me to learn. Every time I talk to someone in the lifestyle, I realize just how little I actually know.

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Oh there is SO much to learn! I have many friends now who are in various stages of 'the lifestyle' and all are very well-adjusted and HAPPY people. The common misconception is that 'slaves' or 'subs' are basically wimpy women (or men) who have no opinion and are made to do nothing. This is so far from the truth. It is a way of being committed to one another - and when you have that trust, that real, true trust with another soul, you can be safe and secure with them - what I like to call - respectfully using you. For many subs, being the object or muse of our partner is extremely satisfying. I learned a long time ago that the Master may be the one in control of the scenarios, but truly the slave is the one in control, as she (or he) is a true object of desire for the Master and that Master loves that slave with all his heart and would NEVER hurt her.

Now, in my case, that love turned sick and twisted and he took advantages with me that he never should have. This breach of trust was the end of our relationship - and when I saw BREACH of trust, I mean a total breach. Like there was no way I could ever trust him again.

I think that with discussion and with understanding the stigma of what a BDSM or Master / slave relationship can be dispelled. Keep in mind that not all Master / slave relationships are BDSM relationships - there are distinct differences.

This is a great thread....

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Thank you Mikayla for sharing. Before TT I never even heard of a BDSM lifestyles choice, among other things. The very little I knew about it was from here. I would have thought that in order for one to be the subservient partner one would have to be a pushover. I now know that is completely untrue, and an horrible misconception that I fear many have. From what I know of you Mikayla, you smart, witty and absolutely not a pushover what's so ever.

That is why this forum is imperative. It will teach, dispel untrue notions, enlighten etc.....

Again I thank you for sharing and hope others will share their experiences as well.

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First let me say that this lifestyle is as diverse as the people in it.What works for one set might not work for another set.With that said the one underlying theme of all the people in it is.You are either dominant(master/dom)or you are a submissive(slave/sub).

Some people live the lifestyle 24/7.While others have certain times they are in the lifestyle roles.I personally have never lived it in a 24/7 capacity.Nor do I think I would like it that way.I have tried it for a week and found it to be too taxing.At the end of the week I was totally exausted.Now for some people that is the only way they can live the lifestyle.That is their choice.As with everything in this lifestyle it is a choice to begin with.That is where communication and trust come in.As with every relatioinship there is trust and communication.But with a bdsm realtionship there has to be even more trust and comunication.

Everyone has to find their own nitch in this reationship.Some will evolve into masters and slaves.Some into doms and subs.Others will use it in a role playing capacity.All this is learned over time.Either with the same partner or different ones.

Befor getting into this lifestyle I would reccomend a thorough study.Read as much as you can on the lifestyle.Join a web site devoted to the lifestyle.Try and find a munch in your area and attend it for a while to see how people interact with one another.Get to know a couple and talk extensively with them.Do alot of soul searching and decide what you role in this lifestyle will be.Also decide how far you really want to go in this lifestyle.

Good luck and happy hunting.

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I personally have never lived it in a 24/7 capacity.Nor do I think I would like it that way.I have tried it for a week and found it to be too taxing.At the end of the week I was totally exausted.

I can believe that! That is why I said earlier it seems to me that the Master has the most difficult role, if done properly.

There is something else I thought of to add:

Not all couples that are living in a BDSM lifestyle started out that way. Some couples learn and evolve into this over time, together. And sometimes the relationship starts out with a Dom/Master and a sub/slave from day 1. Sometimes a Master seeks a slave specifically (or the other way around). BDSM relationships are like any other in that no two are just a like.

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In these relationships it sounds as though the subservient partner lives to please the master. It makes me wonder about the servers needs as a person, are those needs met? In the "blind trust" one would have to have in their Master, would they be allowed to explore or request that to be met? How does the server get those wants and needs met, or are they so secondary that they are unimportant.

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OH LL, I assure you, my every need was met. The misconception about this type of relatioship is that the Master has no concern for his sub's feelings or desires, when that couldn't be further from the truth! In a true Master/ slave relationship the Master truly loves his sub - like immensely. He (or she) cares about the sub and wants to see that sub pleasured. The pleasure that sub experiences makes the Master happy. The dynamic happens when the sub can glean pleasure from the same experiences as the Master. IF one like to spank the other to BE spanked, then it is all good. Make no mistake, there are many women and men out there who get extreme personal and sexual gratification from being 'owned' as it were. They get a high off of knowing that they are so desired. I felt like that. I loved knowing that I was his heart's desire.

There does have to be trust - and there has to be an extreme amount of it. However, how is this different than any relationship? We can be abused in a 'normal' relationship just as well as in a BDSM relationship. I think that sometimes people get hung up on the games that DOMS/ subs play and think it is cruelty - it isn't. It is exciting and a truly interested sub knows how to incite her Master to do what she wants.

I think the confusion comes where people assume that subs are just mindless sex toys. That is so not the case. For me it is a chance to relax and sink into things. I am such a high strung and high maintenance person OUT of the bedroom, that when I get to the sexual part of my life, I don't want to think. I just want to feel. Being in this type of dynamic always made that possible.

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I think the confusion comes where people assume that subs are just mindless sex toys. That is so not the case. .

I did think this once upon a time.... Now I don't.

If I'm reading you right, the sub can and will ASK for there needs to be met sexually or other and it's the Master role to put in in play so to speak.... Or is it the Master role to just know as if they were a mind reader. In my mind the sub isn't a mindless toy, but doesn't have the right to ask. Only takes what is given and gladly gives.

This is the part that I continually question.

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Though I have never had the pleasure of being in such a relationship, I have studied it all a good bit, due to my line of work.

There is extremely wide variety of activity, as I understand it; a 'spectrum' if you will, that needs to be recognized.

While I am naturally very Dominant and would be overwhelmed with passion if I had a sub, I could/would never use anything like S/M. Pain is not my thing. I'd far rather use my mind in intellectual play of great power and extreme caring with a sub.

I would most adore a sub who saw to my every desire, for example bathing me, grooming me, massaging me, making me tea and wonderful meals...in return, I would provide her with endless orgasms so that I could always hold her in the palm of my hand, protected and valued as if she were a jewel of great price.

Vive la difference!

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There is extremely wide variety of activity, as I understand it; a 'spectrum' if you will, that needs to be recognized.

While I am naturally very Dominant and would be overwhelmed with passion if I had a sub, I could/would never use anything like S/M. Pain is not my thing. I'd far rather use my mind in intellectual play of great power and extreme caring with a sub.

I would most adore a sub who saw to my every desire, for example bathing me, grooming me, massaging me, making me tea and wonderful meals...in return, I would provide her with endless orgasms so that I could always hold her in the palm of my hand, protected and valued as if she were a jewel of great price.

Vive la difference!

EXACTLY! There is a world of different 'rules' and 'situations' in which the couple decides on. Basically, you have hit the nail on the head - if you are not into the S/M part, then you don't engage in it. It is about CONTROL and SUBMISSION and a true desire to be at the Master's beck and call - it is NOT about pain and discomfort and humiliation (at least not for most couples I know).

This line right here:

"I would provide her with endless orgasms so that I could always hold her in the palm of my hand, protected and valued as if she were a jewel of great price."

Is exactly how a true sub should feel. She should feel as if all her efforts and love and devotion are truly admired and appreciated; and as such, the reward she reaps is of the greatest magnitude!

So, Hyokahey, interested in a little part time sub? Come on, I know a GREAT one! ;)

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LL: Like Mikayla has said, a BDSM relationship is not about the Dom simply using the sub. A slave has the power to leave. A Master adores the slave and will provide for ALL her (or his) needs. A true Master will know what the slave wants and needs. The Master, in a sense, serves the slave as much as the slave serves the Master. The Master must, for a successful BDSM relationship IMO, provide for EVERY NEED of the slave. Remember me saying the Master has the harder role? That is why. Here is a story that might help: I know a couple in which he is the Master. She thought that she wanted to take their relationship to a new level and include other sexual partners outside of their regular circle. (Their regular circle includes one other 24/7 couple they have known for years.) He didn't think she could handle this, but she insisted she could. They tried it, he was right. She became uncomfortable with him even communicating with women she didn't already know and asked him to stop. He did. He knew her better than she knew herself, but was willing to do what she "thought" she wanted, and then was willing to do what she really needed. He adores her as well as "owns" her - a true Master/slave relationship.

hyokahey: IMO, the brain is the most powerful tool a Master has. Inflicting pain and punishment can only go so far. A slave can become numb to these things, but a powerful mind and the knowledge of how to use that is something a true slave seeks and needs in a Master.

LilGreen: YES, a couple in a 24/7 BDSM relationship can have kids and a "normal" life. I know a couple who has kids and is raising them as they believe - the boys are being taught to be dominate and responsible, the girls are being taught to do as they are told, etc. The sexual component is obviously not being introduced to them but many of the basic priciples are. IDK how it works exactly. I have not asked them a lot about the day-to-day raising of kids in this way. I know they love their kids and the boys can and are punished when they do wrong, so don't think only the girls get in trouble. This is the couple I know of who have expanded their BDSM relationship to include their kids, but I know it is possible.

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Woah, I would NEVER raise my children to believe in gender roles as strong as that. A woman can be a dom and a man can be a sub (and you can have same-sex couples, for that matter), and, far more important than that, being in control or relinquishing control isn't for everyone. I would not want my children to believe that my relationship must be theirs. I just don't see that as an appropriate way to raise children. Shouldn't that lifestyle be a CHOICE?

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I also know a couple that has kids in a full time lifestyle. However, they live in a much more secretive way. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids and otherwise 'provides' for his needs. She then turns into his sexual sub when they are alone. They do not preach this to the children. The children are actually well adjusted as far as I can tell. They see loving parents who do for each other. That is the best way to be an example, in my opinion.

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That's more what I was thinking of. I don't think I could do full-time, but... If I did, I would want it to be like that. I wouldn't want my kids to know more than "sometimes Mommy and Daddy do things differently from other mommies and daddies" until they're much older. And even if they did know, I just can't see raising a daughter to think she has to obey men or raising a son to think he will control his relationships. That's just a disaster waiting to happen.

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I don't disagree LilGreen. I am not sure how they do it - details I mean. I have never been around them with their children. I do know they have not shown them anything in the sexual-area and when they do accidently find something, like the wife's vibrator, its actual use is not discussed.

A BDSM forum I belong to has a section on raising children when in the lifestyle. I have not read anything in it for a few reasons.

I have two step-children and I don't see any way that we would ever incorporate the lifestyle, if we ever did it 24/7, with them, other than them seeing me doing for their dad around the house - which is how it is now any way. Our daughter helps me a little with the house work after school and our son helps his dad with the outside stuff. Is that in some way teaching roles? IDK.

Anyone even considering the lifestyle should do a lot of research before hand. If we ever considered it, the child-aspect would be something for me to learn a lot more about - I just know that some couples do it.

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After a few more hours of sleep (it was a loooong night) I thought of something else worth adding, I think, as a separate post. This might help explain the children-question, and a few others.

A lot has been said about the importance of trust in a 24/7 lifestyle. This is very, very true. However, the most noticeable outward compentent is likely respect. Both the Master and the slave MUST respect each other. Yes, a good Master respects his/her slave (respects boundries, safe words, etc.) To anyone outside the relationship, the respect a slave has for the Master is what is probably what is seen. A slave is not going to go to work and bad-mouth her husband/Master - out of respect. A slave is not going to argue with her Master in front of others - out of respect. A slave is going to do what is expected (hopefully before even being asked) - out of respect. Some may think it is fear that drives the slave, but this is not true. It is respect.

For many, thinking of a BDSM relationship brings up images of bondage, rough sex, punishments, etc. That is because that is what most people like to role play, which is OK if both partners agree to it. But a real, BDSM 24/7 relationship is about so much more than rough sex, etc.

So, I guess to answer the having-child-question, what a child will see on a daily basis is the slave (usually the mother, I think) respecting her husband/Master. This is the compenent that would be taught, I would think. Is respect really a bad thing to teach a child?

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I have two step-children and I don't see any way that we would ever incorporate the lifestyle, if we ever did it 24/7, with them, other than them seeing me doing for their dad around the house - which is how it is now any way. Our daughter helps me a little with the house work after school and our son helps his dad with the outside stuff. Is that in some way teaching roles? IDK.

If the kids have ample opportunity to try whichever one they want, then I think it's fine. I have more of a problem with teaching obedience and dominance.

Respect, though, makes perfect sense.

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I've thought about the Dom/Sub lifestyle. It has occurred to me that many who live it 24/7 may just look as though they are living in a very traditional way, and would be easy to continue when they have children.

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  • 1 year later...
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What an AWESOME thread!! Thank you all so much! While I am a very strong person who knows my own mind, I also think I would love living the sub lifestyle, though possibly not in a complete, 24/7 fashion. I think, in part because I AM such a stong person, I enjoy feeling safe to give up the control to someone I love and trust. For me, there can be nothing deeper or more fulfilling. I so want to explore information on this subject more! Thank you all again!

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  • 3 years later...
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My wife and i have finally decided  to start this type of relationship i have always been the more submiaaive one and now i can say i love pleasing my goddess  (aka wife)

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