Being Untrue To Yourself

[sass]

I have been on this forum for a fair amount of time. Over the years I have seen many posts about one partner compromising for the other - one partner wants oral but the other doesn't so it doesn't happen; one partner wants sex more often but the other doesn't so it doesn't happen; one partner likes BDSM (since it was a topic here recently) but the other doesn't; etc, etc.

So when does all this compromise, all this giving up what you want because your partner doesn't, turn into you denying who you are and being untrue to yourself? I know every relationship requires some compromise, I am not trying to deny that. I just wonder how much is too much compromise. Or is there too much? If you love your partner and your parnter loves you, is it really OK to basically become someone else just for the sake of the relationship?

[Mikayla1]

This is an excellent question! It really is. There really is no easy answer for this. I think that in some respect, we all sort of 'compromise' things when we get married. We may not know it right away, but there is always a give and take when it comes to personalities, sex drives, views on marriage, views on children, etc. I think that it is virtually impossible to not have some compromise somewhere at some point. We are constantly evolving and changing ourselves; and our parter is as well. So, in this flux, we don't always grow together, but sometimes apart or in different directions.

I also think that sometimes the compromise might not be such a big issue. Perhaps you are not having the exact type of sex (or amount you want) but you are in love and really have all sorts of other benefits to being with your partner so it sort of takes the sting out of what you have 'lost.' Other times, however, this is just one of many things that you are compromising or giving up, and that can cause conflict.

I do think this: if you married a woman who refused to have oral sex, then you can't 'expect' her to have oral just because you are married. However, if you married a woman who wanted to suck cock all the time and now won't, there is a greater issue there. To speak personally, I knew my hubby wasn't into BDSM. I knew that he would NEVER be the dominant type of man that I crave in bed. However, he had so many other wonderful qualities that I thought it would be something I wouldn't miss. The fact is, I DO miss it. I DO miss this type of sexual play. I also miss the amount of sex I was having. Does this mean that I do not love him? No. Does it mean I am monstrously unhappy? NO. What this means is, I have to weigh the good and the bad.

Am I compromising or being untrue to myself? Hmmm, maybe. I know I am compromising, but as for being untrue to myself, I am not sure. I think that for ME, there is always hope for better or for change.

I think that it really depends on how you feel. Many people here speak of being woefully unhappy in sexless or VERY low sex marriages. They are definitely being untrue to themselves to stay in marriage where the sex is non-existent or awful. Others give up oral sex or kinky sex to be with this one person. How do they FEEL? Is it making them FEEL unhappy? Do they feel unsatisfied all the time? I don't think that usually a lack of sex is the ONLY thing going on in these situations. I think that for most people this disconnection sexually is just a symptom or an additional aspect to an already unhealthy relationship.

I do firmly believe now - as an almost 40 year old - that one person can't always be your EVERYTHING! I think that we are too different and our needs evolve and change. I think that sometimes we need to supplement what is missing (I am not talking affairs, but other outlets, like writing fantasies about it - you notice mine are like that) or even just talking about it wtih like-mided people.

This doesn't solve all the issues of course, but it does help in some situations.

What this boils down to is, if you love your spouse and have more good things going on in your marriage than negative things, then you are not compromising or being 'untrue' unless these desires are taking over what you DO have with them. In this regard, you should communicate with your spouse and try to find a happy medium. It is too short a life to be untrue to yourself, so don't. However, change doesn't happen overnight - or even over a year's worth of nights - and always remember, you can't expect people to change (no oral before marriage probably means no oral after - just sayin'!!!)

[sass]

Great reply, Mik. Thanks!

Sometimes I wonder if I am the same person I was a couple of years ago, and the answer I come up with most often is no. Sometimes I think I have had to compromise a little too much, but I don't know. I figure that it is all part of being married and becoming an instant mother to two step-children. But in order to keep peace in the household, I have changed what I eat, what I do, what I will tolerate, etc. I know that without details, it is impossible for anyone to analyse my relationship - that's why I asked the question more in general.

I hope others will reply, too, and talk about how they balance "comproming" with being true to thy self.

[hyokahey]

'Compromise' is a slippery word. Genuine compromise is done out of love: I freely set something aside I want for what my partner wants (or does not want). That word 'freely' is key; if I am 'compromising' just to keep the peace, because I know the other person will become reactive to what I want, then this is not true compromise...it is emotional blackmail.

Further, genuine compromise is where everyone is a winner, and gets a bit of what they want. Sexually, this may mean that small adaptations are needed so that both parties are comfortable. For example, (as Mikayla has often expertly pointed out) one partner may want get a bit kinky and do an D/s scene, while the other is not so comfortable with the hard core effects...then a silk blindfold and feather tickler might be more acceptable to start out with.

I sure hope that I am a different person for having been with my partner for so long! To me, long term relationship is about personal growth as well as couple growth. If I am not growing, we as a couple cannot grow together. My 'true self' and my partner's 'true self' are unique and autonomous, and this is as it should be. How boring love would be if we were the same! If I depend on my partner to validate every part of me (this usually means by accepting everything about me and doing what I want), then I will be sorely disappointed in life (with ANY partner I choose).

While like Mikayla, I find that my partner knows and understands my desires, she does not validate all of them. Just because she does not validate them does not mean that I can not validate them myself, and continue to grow myself...which in turn, will hopefully lead her to growth so we can become ever more 'married'. Now, in my particular relationship, I live by a vow that does not allow me, say, to go play with Mikayla one on one. But I still validate my own desires as good and acceptable, but I set aside some of my desires, freely, out of love, for my partner. Is this tough to do sometimes? Uh-hu, sometimes exceedingly so.

By focusing on our own growth, and not what our partner is doing or not doing, we can actually calm ourselves greatly, and strangely enough, give more in our relationships. But part of our own growth is sharing that growth with our partner. It means keeping negative thoughts at bay and soothing our emotions to stay calm enough to begin talking about our desires and dissatisfactions without becoming reactive. It is kinda scary at first to share your mind and heart with your partner in an open and honest manner...we fear that they will reject us or think we are a freak of some sort. And, sharing just ONCE is not good enough, couplehood and sexuality need consistent work in the area of intimacy (not just sex) to produce satisfying results....and that brings me full circle to my first comment above.

[Mikayla1]

I think that Hyokahey makes some excellent points. One of these being that genuine compromise IS done out of love. IF you truly love and respect your partner, then you are more than willing to compromise in order to make them (and your marriage) happier. I do think, however, that the converse affect of this is that a partner that truly loves US and wants to make us happy will try to understand what our wants and desires and needs are - and will try to adapt to our requests as well. I feel that a marriage or relationship where one person is 'compromising' (whether freely and with a good heart) and the other is not; well, that won't work either. In my relationship with my hubby we both compromise for the other - however, I am much more willing to do the things HE wants than he is to do what I want. So, in that regard, sometimes I am 'untrue' to myself in giving up more than I feel comfortable with at times.

I definitely agree that there is a fair amount of emotional blackmail going on in relationships - and this is unhealthy and unproductive. I feel that if we love our partner and respect their desires (whether sexually or otherwise) that we will WANT to pleasure them and for them to be happy. I feel that in many cases one partner is unwilling to even entertain the idea of giving us what we want - and uses guilt as a way to sway us off our request. Either that or they make us feel 'kinky' or 'bad' or 'addicted' for wanting what we want. Is that any way to live?

I also think there is an argument to be made for what, exactly, it is that we are wanting. I mean, if it is a little request - like blowjobs - then we as women should give this a good try. I personally feel like all women should lovingly pleasure their men in this regard, but in the absence of a true desire to do so on a regular basis, at least try to learn how to do it. Now, if the request is something like a hardcore S/M scenario with whips and chains and pain - well, this is a bit out of the realm of a 'normal' request. IF your partner is not into this, and never was, it is sort of unnatural to require them to learn to like it. I do think that the suggestion of a 'softer' side of an experience may work well to give at least the tenets of that desire - but honestly, it is sometimes impossible to quench a true desire without the complete act. In that case, there is a true coming to terms.

I think it is impossible for one person to ever validate ALL of another's wants, needs or desires. We can not possibly be exactly the same in every needed aspect. I do agree that it is important to self validate and be autonomous from our mates in some regards. However, how do we do this when there is a large gape between what we desire sexually and what our partner is willing to 'compromise' to give us. What happens when we validate our own desires and wants as healthy and good - but can never bring them to fruition? Does that not then cause a rift between our spouse and ourselves? At what point do our honest and healthy desires that are NOT being validated justify seeking out the experience?

I am not sure I agree with the premise of if we are to "concentrate on our own growth, and not what our partner is doing or not doing, we can actually calm ourselves greatly, and strangely enough, give more in our relationships" in that sometimes to do this, we have to let parts of ourselves go. We have to accept that what we truly want and desire is not going to happen, and that, to me, is UNcalming. In fact, this whole idea seems a lot like actually not being true to yourself, in that you are 'attempting to stay calm' and not letting those desires control you. While I agree that sometimes this is necessary, if we are talking about a natural sexual need, then I don't understand why it is necessary.

yes, I agree, talking is key. I agree that a rational, calm decision to discuss what we want and desire is key. I agree that we can not place all the responsibility for our unhappiness on our partner. However, sometimes a calm, rational discussion leaves us nowhere again and again. Sometimes, talking until we are blue in the face only leaves us further disappointed. Speaking of full circle, this is the routine of most couples where one IS compromising or being untrue to themselves. This person has those conversations and gets no understanding or even an effort of trying to understand, then they are unhappy. Then time passes, the request is forgotten until that desire creeps up again. Then there is a coversation and the whole thing starts again full circle.

I think the key here is: some things we are OK giving up, compromising or living without for the love of our partner. Some things we shouldn't HAVE to give up. Some things are not so abnormal that our partners should refuse to compromise or at least try to accomodate. I guess it is for each of us to decide where our needs and wants intersect and where they fall on this continium.

[square]

Is compromise the right word, or is it sacrifice?

[Tyger]

I think it all depends on the person & request. Usually, when you get together with someone, you find out what they like & dislike. You also find out what they usually won't do even if hell froze over. If you're willing to accept this, then, years down the road, it's unfair to expect that to change. Now, if they express curiosity about it, and a possible willingness to try it, ok, but it's not fair to change them in that way.

Yes compromises need to be made, however, if it makes your lover feel degraded in any way, it's just not worth it, IMHO.

[sass]

All great points, thanks!

I certainly agree that communication is key to a relationship but when one person tries over and over to talk about such things, and is met time and time again with "I don't know" or "I'm sorry" and it never goes any further, well, it makes it hard to try to bring it up again. A person can only take so much negative reinforcement before they just stop trying.

[sun_flower969]

Gonna briefly add here and say HEY to you cause I miss you!!

I think you definitely have to compromise for each other in any relationship but this should not include things like self expression, who you are, your values and belief system and what you like to do in life. I think trying to change someone to make them into the perfect mate is futile (on both sides). There is compromise and acceptance. There should be mostly acceptance on BOTH parts to live harmoniously... I didn't read everyone's full reply... hope this isn't redundant!

[sass]

Gonna briefly add here and say HEY to you cause I miss you!!

I think you definitely have to compromise for each other in any relationship but this should not include things like self expression, who you are, your values and belief system and what you like to do in life. I think trying to change someone to make them into the perfect mate is futile (on both sides). There is compromise and acceptance. There should be mostly acceptance on BOTH parts to live harmoniously... I didn't read everyone's full reply... hope this isn't redundant!

HI! I miss you, too!

I don't think this was redundant, and actually gets to a point I hoped would be made. When talking about compromise, I know sex-issues would be the first things thought of on here (DUH! lol) but there are other things - like how you believe about certain subjects, how you react to different situations - the things that make us who we are. How many things like that can we or should we have modify (or totally deny, etc.)?

[square]

HI! I miss you, too!

I don't think this was redundant, and actually gets to a point I hoped would be made. When talking about compromise, I know sex-issues would be the first things thought of on here (DUH! lol) but there are other things - like how you believe about certain subjects, how you react to different situations - the things that make us who we are. How many things like that can we or should we have modify (or totally deny, etc.)?

If you see those things as a fault, and want to change, that is one thing. But to change in order to fit someone else's idea of what you should be like, I don't think you should have to to any great extent, and I am not sure it is possible. I would not be able to change much. I've tried to change a thing or two about myself, only to realize after a bunch of years that, hey, this is the way I was built, this is who I am, this is what I am comfortable with being, and I haven't been able to change that.

But I don't know if the things I have in mind answering this are what you have in mind in asking.

[ladylove]

There is a fine line between compromise and being untrue to yourself. It's a hard balancing act.

[RC4BLUE]

I am not a fan of anyone being untrue to themselves. Sometimes that is what make a great relationship. When I am true to me and my partner is true to their self there is a erotic charge that can happen. To change or act differently for someone else takes away from the relationship I have with another. I like diversity and challenge and people who can open my eyes to new things, new ways of thinking and new experiences. To change for me would be disrespectful in my eyes. The best fit for me is the person who knows themselves well and is willing to share.

[Tyger]

Now that I'm a bit older, and a bit wiser, I think that being true to one self is a bit easier at my age.