Never Been Single, Need Advice

[gummybear]

Hey, I had a question, not necessarily about sex. I haven't been single since I was 16 years old. I was married, and divorced. I was dating someone after my divorce and that relationship turned out horribly, he was abusive and manipulative, but I still miss him like crazy. Well, long story short, he broke up with me via text message a few days ago (classy) and now I just don't know what to do. I'm a workaholic, but it's so hard to sleep alone, to feel alone and unwanted. I know how co-dependent that sounds, but this is a huge transition for me. I'm a smart, educated, feminist, but I feel like I'm never going to find another guy that I could love as much as I loved my exs.

I guess my question is, How do I adjust to this?

Also, my ex boyfriend is a jerk, he was verbally abusive and used me to do his dirty work. I fell so completely in love with him, and then out of nowhere he dumps me. Won't explain why, won't tell me anything. But it's everything I can do to not crawl back to him. I feel like I'm in a horrible rut.

I know all of this sounds desperate and lonely, I'm ashamed of myself for feeling any of this. Damnit, I'm smarter and stronger than this, but I can't help it.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated-

Thank you.

[Sunday]

I would suggest you stop looking outside yourself and focus on what is great about YOU! You already know you are smart and strong - that's fantastic! I would spend as much time as possible thinking about what is right about you. Why not make a list and share it with us?

[ladylove]

From what I've read:

Women in abusive relationships feel as though they don't deserve any better. It doesn't matter how educated you are, or successful you are, what you look like... it is said to be an esteem issue. The why is different for everyone. My suggestion is to stay single get use to being by yourself, learn to like yourself and your independence..... no booty calls, or FB's, Just You.

If possible, I it would be highly suggestible and a very good idea for you to seek counseling to figure out the WHY it is you allow yourself to be abused. If you can figure out the why, then you can begin to work towards healing and having a rewarding relationship with another person.

If this man broke up with you via text..... BE DONE! DO NOT answer any of his calls or texts, you may want to go as far as to blocking his number if you think you will weaken when and if he does. This man sounds like a bum, you deserve better and will be happier without him.

[bbarney]

Before i begin i would like to note i am only 20, and have only had as much experience as a 20 year old may have. That being said, throughout high school i was in and out of relationships where i would let girls walk all over me, because i thought i deserved nothing better. One of my girlfriends broke up and asked me out 5 times within a 3 (maybe 4) month period. She would flirt with other guys in front of me, even climb onto them and grind them. I just didnt know i could do better than them. I hated being alone, and enjoyed having someone i could be close to. Eventually it got bad enough that i called it quits (including a suicide attempt that i look back on now as ridiculous). I started having no regard for my own life, even sat down one day and ate ibuprofen like candy (in the end i took 2 under the lethal dose, something i found out later when i noticed the warning symptoms of liver problems). What i realized, is i was not as bad as i thought i was. Girls were actually talking about me behind my back in a good way! I was actually attractive to some girls, and they were girls that i thought were beautiful. I found this all out after i called myself off of dating, and let myself be single, and happy.

I was only single for a few months, until i met a girl who was absolutely amazing, she did anything she could just to make me happy, we agreed to disagree whenever we needed to, it was my absolute dream (plus my parents loved her). When i finally knew what it was like to be happy i was sad to look back and to see what i used to think was "happy."

You should let yourself find that place of "I don't need someone else to be me." You sound like you have an amazing and strong personality. Just because the bed is empty of another person, doesn't mean it has to feel empty. Whether it means getting a smaller bed, or more blankets, or make the room warmer, do something. You could even get a pet (i dont know if its possible for you). Research shows that pets increase endorphins (responsible for happiness) and increase a sense of personal well being. They even gave dogs to care for to low risk inmates, and noticed that with the group of inmates who had the dogs, they worked to avoid bad situations, and were out on probation sooner, because they then had someone else they felt responsible for.

Also, the above idea for therapy sounds like a perfect idea if you can afford it, or if you cant find a good female friend to talk to, you need to recover from the damage these men have done to you. It is going to take time, be prepared for that, but you need to let yourself heal. Use this time to work on your career, try to get a promotion, or a raise, maybe even go back to school (or get another degree, or even a certificate). Do your best to make yourself feel better, so you can realize how perfect you are as an independent woman.

As far as the exes, ignore them, no matter what it comes down to. You just need to move on, and forget the past. Whatever may happen, i wish you the best of luck.

P.S Maybe invest in a few solo toys, those always help as well =).

[gummybear]

Thanks guys, I know all of that is true. I am going to look into getting some form of therapy. What really hits me is that we lived together, his father just passed away and I made all the arrangements, even notified the family of his passing, the day after his funeral service I get the text that he's done with me and to move all of my belongings out that day. We didn't have a fight, there wasn't some blaring disagreement, it was just over. After everything that I'd done for him he breaks up with me over text?! Obviously he doesn't want me, and he sure as hell isn't worth anything. But honest to God, I don't think I'll ever find anyone as good as him again. I know it's text book abuse victim thinking, I just can't help it. Honestly, if he called me right now and wanted to get back together, I'd do it in a heartbeat. That is so fucked up.

[bbarney]

But the fact that you realize that its screwed up is a good thing. If he does call you, do whatever you can not to go back to him. I know what its like, my ex coulda kicked me in the nuts, broke up with me via text, and cheated on me with my best frien, and at the time i woulda forgiven her. A couple months later i realized, she wasnt worth a breath of my time, and i wouldnt ever go back out with her no matter what. Do what you can to give yourself time, no matter who asks you to get with them, no matter what.

[ReadyToMoveOn]

Time and distance is all you need...

I was married for many years, and suddenly found myself alone... Youre right sleeping alone in bed is very hard to become accustomed to...But after a lengthy divorce, and three years later, Im ok now...

Ive met a woman I care I care for, although it is Long Distance Relationship, and I still sleep alone (most of the time), we are trying to make it work...

I was not in abusive relationship, but I was dependent on my Ex for many things...Ive learned to cope with all, but I still struggle from time to time due to loneliness, but I am in a better place...

Just allow things to happen, you will be fine...

And No Woman deserves to be in an abusive relationship, No Woman!

[Tyger]

Even though that this is an old topic, I have a feeling that it's a more common topic than many of us would care to admit.

The people that have responded are correct. This is a self-esteem issue. Even though you may be beautiful, well educated, or successful, all sorts of people, and not just women, can fall into this sort of trap.

It's sad that this happened, and it's really hard to get yourself out of a rut that you feel like you belong in, however, it takes a lot of courage and a good deal of "I deserve better" attitude, but you CAN get out.

I hope that if others reading this whole post read the whole thing, and post more. Not only are we here to offer sex advice, but this is also a forum of relationships as well, and I hope that someone reaches out.

[H. Housewife]

Since I was three years old I've learned that no one is worth being with that causes grief and mental and physical abuse. I've learned that from my mom's  husband at the time. He wasn't my dad and the day he left her I repeated the statement to her" he did you a favor". A very awful 18 years. I had trouble with dating thinking they were all like him. I let a guy in my life and made a horrible choice of course he cheated on me but not worth grieving over. I was single for awhile not even thinking of dating but have fun going out dancing,fitness,and just for once having fun.