Fear...? (Guys Opinions Appreciated, But All Comments Welcome.)

[LoveBitten]

So you don't actually -have- to read the following story, I'll just sum up the point of this: Were any of you guys freaked out when you first tried cunnilingus? Mind explaining why? Did you get over it? How? Any advice? ((You can skip the rest if you want, I just need to vent.)

Me and my man finally got a brief vacation together, after being separated by busy schedules and 1000+ miles for months. It went very well, accept...the second to last day. I ended up in tears. And it wasn't because I was about to miss him terribly, though I -was-.

See, he agreed to try oral sex on me. I've never experienced that. (He actually made a previous attempt which I mentioned in another thread, suffice it to say it ended before it started) Everyone I've ever talked to claims it's a lovely experience. Considering my orgasm issue (Also mentioned in a different thread) I was kind of (very) hopeful.

I never pressured him about this sort of thing, I just asked (very sheepishly) if he would be willing to try, he responded with enthusiasm. I don't have the best self-esteem in the world, so I was a little stunned and a bit skeptical that he was -that- comfortable with it. But he reassured me time and time again that he was cool with it. Even intrigued enough to research techniques. I was kinda touched, not to mention excited.

Anyway, the moment came and he started touching me with his hands first and... he freaked out. Panicked. Said that he just couldn't do it. That, uh, every time he tried getting close to -there- with his -face- made his instincts tell him to retreat.

I don't remember thinking before I blurted out that it was fine, he didn't have to do it, that it wasn't a big deal, but...I lied. I felt humiliated. My hope crashed and burned. I felt foolish because I more or less expected it not to work out, but I asked anyway, and I was really hoping that I'd be wrong. I felt a little rejected and insulted by the fact that he freaked out over my body. (Though it's obvious he's very, very fond of it otherwise.) I was even jealous because of his relative ease climaxing.

And I hated myself for it, but I couldn't stop thinking "with how many times I've done this for you, you really can't just -try-? Even for a minute? -REALLY-?" ... I felt that he owed me. And that made me feel sick. I'm NOT that kind of person! I never wanted to think of something I did out of love as something that needed to be repaid, ever! I did it because I wanted him to feel good and because I'm in love with him, period.

All of this built up and I guess I finally exploded during the rest of our little session because I started to cry and told him most of what I was thinking, and that I was angry. I'm certain it hurt, hell, seeing me cry -alone- would've hurt, I know he can't stand seeing me cry, but I couldn't stop myself. I felt awful and apologized, and he held me, soothed me, said he was sorry, and we moved on, I guess... but it still hurts.

I asked him if there's any chance he'd be willing to work on it in the future, maybe try it again... he just said "I dunno." And I'm not sure what to do or think. Am I just -that- unappealing down there? I showered, shaved, and I had a favorite flavor of lube for him (though he insisted he wouldn't need it) Or, maybe it isn't me? Is it that -all- women are a little intimidating that way? We -are- more complex, I guess.

...Or, hell, is it just one of -his- quirks, do I just need to back off, let it go? Maybe one of you can shed a little light on this.

[bbarney]

Well first of all, all of your emotions are completely normal in every way, so dont feel bad about it. Essentially you reacted the way anyone would act, male or female, it not a good feeling for someone to reject you like that, especially when youre so excited for it. Dont feel bad about the way you feel, however there is something you can do with those emotions. I know everyone says this, but its true, talk to him, tell him everything, do what you can to talk calmly, even if you have to wait a few days to do so. The better you can explain yourself, the better you both will feel, because you will start resolving the issue.

As far as the fear, i personally wasnt afraid i would say, but i did have the overwhelming sense of "get out of here" as i approached her. Keep in mind we were both pretty new, she hadnt shaved, it wasnt fully clean, and my first experience doing it on her wasnt the best. But we learned from that and we did what we needed to do to feel comfortable. Even still i have that internal flight response telling me to not put my face down there, and i think all men whether we notice it or not do. However, sometimes the desire to do so just overwhelms the fear, or vice versa. Even if he says no lube, maybe put some down there for him, touch yourself in front of him, and tease him with it. If youre into domination tell him he can only touch you with his tongue and make him start at the top. Do what you need to do as a couple to work the issue out.

Finally, if i havent already said it, dont feel bad about yourself or your body. Yes these emotions are natural, but you need to remind yourself that its not you.

I hope all goes well in the future.

[square]

First time? I was very drunk, gave it a try, did not find it too objectionable and don't think I had any fear. (being so drunk, I couldn't pop a woody to save my life, but that's another story.) Before that I had had a friend tell me that when he tried to do it, he gagged and almost lost his cookies and could not go through with it. So I had his story in my head, but it did not cause me any fear.

I was not so gung-ho with later attempts -- that can be a pretty strong smelling area down there. But I grew to like it more and more, and now love it. Maybe this is TMI, but if things are not so "fresh" down there, I work my way in from the edges, licking and cleaning as I go.

I've noticed with my wife that the smell and taste are milder at the start of her monthly cycle (after her period), and get stronger as the month goes by. So if you try again, you might try for early in the month.

[Cacky]

Well. From my side of this. I understand how you can be worried and then sad pissed at the outcome. Way back when I was 20 I had so many emotions going on that I did not enjoy it at all. Worried about how he can possibly like this. So you are ahead of me in that regard because you asked for it. So it was your guy who has the hang up. I think you did all the right things as a beginner. Shower shave and being considerate of him being down there. So kudos to you

So moving forward the two of you have to talk. Has he not done this before? It was his first time with you or ever? Think back to your first time giving head. A little scary. But it got better right? I think it's the same with a guy. Practice makes perfect.

So for your next time. Don't think about anything but the sensations. And try and remember that he loves you all of you. Going forward I think you will come to really enjoy this part of your sex life.

[LoveBitten]

Well. From my side of this. I understand how you can be worried and then sad pissed at the outcome. Way back when I was 20 I had so many emotions going on that I did not enjoy it at all. Worried about how he can possibly like this. So you are ahead of me in that regard because you asked for it. So it was your guy who has the hang up. I think you did all the right things as a beginner. Shower shave and being considerate of him being down there. So kudos to you So moving forward the two of you have to talk. Has he not done this before? It was his first time with you or ever? Think back to your first time giving head. A little scary. But it got better right? I think it's the same with a guy. Practice makes perfect. So for your next time. Don't think about anything but the sensations. And try and remember that he loves you all of you. Going forward I think you will come to really enjoy this part of your sex life.

Yeah... it was a bit scary and embarrassing and I didn't think I could do it. But knowing how much my partner would appreciate the effort, I shoved my apprehension to the side and just...did it. The fact that he loved it so much made it easy for me to end up liking it myself. Sure, the taste took a while to get accustomed to, but knowing, and better, hearing, how it made him feel? Worth it. I think I ended up even kind of liking the taste purely because I associate it with pleasuring him.

Which... is one of the main reasons I felt hurt and angry. The first time I did oral, it was -for- my current boyfriend. Same guy. It was the same situation, reversed. We were both new to a lot of things when we started dating, but he's my best friend in addition to being my lover, and so, our communication is usually very open and honest. Being able to discuss stuff is usually enough to dispell whatever anxiety the other has.

(Ironically, in one of those talks, he told me months before any of this ever happened that he felt like he owed me for being so focused on his desires and was looking forward to doing the same for me. It was hard to get that thought out of my head knowing he believed it, too.)

Knowing how that feels is WHY I put a lot of thought into it and prepped and all that, (I remember what it's like to have hair caught in my teeth during that kind of experience...I really didn't want him to have to deal with that,) so I could make it as easy as possible. Hopefully even easier than it had been for me. It's also why I never pushed, why I gave him lots of chances to back out if he wasn't ready, as much as I really wanted this. And even so, even though I tried...

And... well, that's good advice, but...what next time? ^^; I...tried to ask him if he would try again in the future, or if he'd just consider it, but his answer, especially the tone of his answer, made me... very doubtful. There really may be a possibility here that he just... can't go through with it. And I'm not sure how to deal with that.

Anyway, I've babbled quite a bit here. I guess you see where I'm coming from. I would like to say I'm over it, that it doesn't matter to me anymore, but the fact that I'm still emotional over it as I type this proves to me that it still hurts. Admitting that, I also really want to deal with the problem.

But I don't know how to bring this back up and I wouldn't know what to say even if I did. Whatever I say, it'll probably hurt at least a little because he'll feel guilty. Plus, I'm not sure I -want- to discuss it in depth because I'm really, really apprehensive about finding out exactly what drove him away. I can't even talk to him in person right now and most days, I'd do a -lot- just for him to hold me again.

... Dammit, why the fuck does this have to be so complicated........? Well, he's online now. I'm... gonna go talk to him. Probably not about this, not just yet, but... regardless of all these unpleasant feelings, I really, really miss him.

[blewits]

When your engaged in foreplay, perhaps if he were to get really intimate with that area would help. My husband didn't just dive right in either back in the day. Guys don't have a vagina. When your young, your just happy as a dude to be touching and/or fucking one. Just sayin'. They don't get to spend as much time with it as we do so it probably does freak 'em out a bit. I didn't understand it all myself until I got down there with a mirror, and I have one!

I think it's just something that takes time. Let him operate the vibrators while he watches what he is doing. Let him get as familiar with everything as he is comfortable with at his pace. Turn the lights on and let him play. Keep an open line of communication while he is doing that too. Eventually, he might be comfortable putting his mouth down there too.

It worked great for us but it also didn't happen overnight.

[bbarney]

I have to agree with HW when i think about it. As a guy its almost scary as odd as that sounds. With us our parts are very simple, one large protrusion, and two small balls in a sack, simple and clean, as well as straightforward. With a woman's parts theres a lot more, and with that theres a lot more to pleasing it too. Maybe he just needs to get more comfortable with it.

As far as your actual relationship, if sex is getting in the way, just put it aside for a while and let him know you miss him. As much as i used to think when i first started having sex that my sex life was vital to my relationship, i quickly thought otherwise when my idea of a better sex life could have lost her. I realized the relationship had to mature before the sex life could, and now the same things we used to fight about because she didnt want to, we talk about openly because we know we can.

[blewits]

This might sound stupid but I just thought of this. (Reminiscing about our naivete.) My husband thought that I urinated out of my vaginal opening. He did not realize that there was a separate urethral opening. Maybe he's thinking about that. I don't know - just guessing here. Something to think about.

[bbarney]

This might sound stupid but I just thought of this. (Reminiscing about our naivete.) My husband thought that I urinated out of my vaginal opening. He did not realize that there was a separate urethral opening. Maybe he's thinking about that. I don't know - just guessing here. Something to think about.

Exactly! It made sense in my mind before my gf told me i was wrong......amidst giggles and laughter.

[LoveBitten]

This might sound stupid but I just thought of this. (Reminiscing about our naivete.) My husband thought that I urinated out of my vaginal opening. He did not realize that there was a separate urethral opening. Maybe he's thinking about that. I don't know - just guessing here. Something to think about.

*starts laughing* xD ... Well, yeah... I guess I could see how guys would be confused about that.

*cough* I did think about that, too. The fact that, uh, he's not use to -my- particular set of...equipment, in comparison to being familiar with his own. Actually, uh, he didn't really understand the concept of what a clit was, so... xD I pulled out my anatomy book from med school and... >.> yeah. Well, it was awkward and kind of funny and I'm sure he felt he was getting some kind of bizarre, S.O. rendition of "the talk" but it got the point across?

I'll... consider that. Maybe it -is- a lot more disconcerting if he's still confused over... well, what all of it is.

Also, thank you.

[LoveBitten]

I have to agree with HW when i think about it. As a guy its almost scary as odd as that sounds. With us our parts are very simple, one large protrusion, and two small balls in a sack, simple and clean, as well as straightforward. With a woman's parts theres a lot more, and with that theres a lot more to pleasing it too. Maybe he just needs to get more comfortable with it.

As far as your actual relationship, if sex is getting in the way, just put it aside for a while and let him know you miss him. As much as i used to think when i first started having sex that my sex life was vital to my relationship, i quickly thought otherwise when my idea of a better sex life could have lost her. I realized the relationship had to mature before the sex life could, and now the same things we used to fight about because she didnt want to, we talk about openly because we know we can.

You make a good point. Guy's are fortunately much less complicated. (And for that, I envy you.)

...I don't really have a choice in the matter. Long distance relationship. Not much either of us can do, physically speaking. Yes, he knows I miss him. Partly because I do outright tell him from time to time, but it's often implied in the things I say. Sexual stuff is fun and all, but I've told him several times, just to be beside him again, hear him laugh, see him smile, hold his hand again, all of that, would mean a lot to me. Hell, even if we had never -had- any kind of sexual experience with each other, I'd be happy being with him. I just... want to have that too.

We've been friends for years, dating roughly two years now, and as far as having a 'mature' relationship goes... I've never been this close to anyone. And I seriously doubt that I only mean that romantically. He's told me he feels the same, yhat I'm both his girlfriend -and- his best friend, and he's told me things he figured he'd take to his grave. But I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe backing off for a while is best.

However... looking back, things seem to work out best in our relationship if we confront things as they come. The whole, honest and open communication thing I'm usually fond of. Prevents too much tension or anxiety from building up, I guess, and in general, our concerns turn out to be kind of silly once we talk it out. That said... as I've written earlier, I don't know how to approach this right now. And to add to it, he suggested we slow down or stop for a while. (... And then about 10, 15 minutes later, we were at it again. Restraint is evidently not a strong suit in either of us. Damn hormones.)

[LoveBitten]

First time? I was very drunk, gave it a try, did not find it too objectionable and don't think I had any fear. (being so drunk, I couldn't pop a woody to save my life, but that's another story.) Before that I had had a friend tell me that when he tried to do it, he gagged and almost lost his cookies and could not go through with it. So I had his story in my head, but it did not cause me any fear.

I was not so gung-ho with later attempts -- that can be a pretty strong smelling area down there. But I grew to like it more and more, and now love it. Maybe this is TMI, but if things are not so "fresh" down there, I work my way in from the edges, licking and cleaning as I go.

I've noticed with my wife that the smell and taste are milder at the start of her monthly cycle (after her period), and get stronger as the month goes by. So if you try again, you might try for early in the month.

Well... he doesn't drink and I wouldn't want him force himself to drink in order to do anything with me anyway... xD but I see.

I find your method for dealing with that problem... ... ... er, both admirable and disturbing at the same time. Thank you for your advice, I will keep that in mind.

[LoveBitten]

The first time I tried performing cunnilingus, I was Gung-Ho and ready to please.

I've never looked back and I still give it 100%.

Don't understand why some guys don't like doing it...

I love going down on women!

Ah. Well... good for you. I'm sure your partner is very appreciative of that fact.

[blewits]

Well... he doesn't drink and I wouldn't want him force himself to drink in order to do anything with me anyway... xD but I see.

I find your method for dealing with that problem... ... ... er, both admirable and disturbing at the same time. Thank you for your advice, I will keep that in mind.

LoveBitten - Square was just telling you what his very first time experience with that was. Not what it is now baby. He was scared too.

[blewits]

Ah. Well... good for you. I'm sure your partner is very appreciative of that fact.

I'd put money on it!

[Sunday]

I've never had a problem with it except when it's the end of a long day and she hasn't washed herself. I tend to avoid it unless she's had a bath/shower recently. The taste and aroma aren't pleasant if the target's been fermenting in tight panties for hours. But a nice clean one - oh yeah.

[LoveBitten]

LoveBitten - Square was just telling you what his very first time experience with that was. Not what it is now baby. He was scared too.

I know, I was kind of kidding...

[LoveBitten]

I've never had a problem with it except when it's the end of a long day and she hasn't washed herself. I tend to avoid it unless she's had a bath/shower recently. The taste and aroma aren't pleasant if the target's been fermenting in tight panties for hours. But a nice clean one - oh yeah.

Ewwwww. "Fermenting." What a mental image. xD Effective. Thank you for your input. And yeah, I will continue to practice good hygiene, but doubly so if we end up getting an opportunity to try this again...

[thurisas]

I was never scared and in fact was quite excited. I had it put in my head early on in my sexual education that a man can do infinitely more with his tongue than his cock and fingers would ever do. The taste, the sounds of bringing pleasure all kept anxiety at a minimum.

Randy

[square]

. . . a man can do infinitely more with his tongue than his cock and fingers would ever do. . . .

I've heard (blah blah) "more with tongue and fingers than with a cock" (blah blah) before, but not "with tongue more than cock and fingers"

Dammit, now I have to go on a quest for what more I can do with my tongue.

My wife used to love receiving oral, but I guess I got better with fingers so that now, while she still likes oral, it has dropped a lot in the rankings of what she likes.

[joeajp]

So you don't actually -have- to read the following story, I'll just sum up the point of this: Were any of you guys freaked out when you first tried cunnilingus? Mind explaining why? Did you get over it? How? Any advice? ((You can skip the rest if you want, I just need to vent.)

Me and my man finally got a brief vacation together, after being separated by busy schedules and 1000+ miles for months. It went very well, accept...the second to last day. I ended up in tears. And it wasn't because I was about to miss him terribly, though I -was-.

See, he agreed to try oral sex on me. I've never experienced that. (He actually made a previous attempt which I mentioned in another thread, suffice it to say it ended before it started) Everyone I've ever talked to claims it's a lovely experience. Considering my orgasm issue (Also mentioned in a different thread) I was kind of (very) hopeful.

I never pressured him about this sort of thing, I just asked (very sheepishly) if he would be willing to try, he responded with enthusiasm. I don't have the best self-esteem in the world, so I was a little stunned and a bit skeptical that he was -that- comfortable with it. But he reassured me time and time again that he was cool with it. Even intrigued enough to research techniques. I was kinda touched, not to mention excited.

Anyway, the moment came and he started touching me with his hands first and... he freaked out. Panicked. Said that he just couldn't do it. That, uh, every time he tried getting close to -there- with his -face- made his instincts tell him to retreat.

I don't remember thinking before I blurted out that it was fine, he didn't have to do it, that it wasn't a big deal, but...I lied. I felt humiliated. My hope crashed and burned. I felt foolish because I more or less expected it not to work out, but I asked anyway, and I was really hoping that I'd be wrong. I felt a little rejected and insulted by the fact that he freaked out over my body. (Though it's obvious he's very, very fond of it otherwise.) I was even jealous because of his relative ease climaxing.

And I hated myself for it, but I couldn't stop thinking "with how many times I've done this for you, you really can't just -try-? Even for a minute? -REALLY-?" ... I felt that he owed me. And that made me feel sick. I'm NOT that kind of person! I never wanted to think of something I did out of love as something that needed to be repaid, ever! I did it because I wanted him to feel good and because I'm in love with him, period.

All of this built up and I guess I finally exploded during the rest of our little session because I started to cry and told him most of what I was thinking, and that I was angry. I'm certain it hurt, hell, seeing me cry -alone- would've hurt, I know he can't stand seeing me cry, but I couldn't stop myself. I felt awful and apologized, and he held me, soothed me, said he was sorry, and we moved on, I guess... but it still hurts.

I asked him if there's any chance he'd be willing to work on it in the future, maybe try it again... he just said "I dunno." And I'm not sure what to do or think. Am I just -that- unappealing down there? I showered, shaved, and I had a favorite flavor of lube for him (though he insisted he wouldn't need it) Or, maybe it isn't me? Is it that -all- women are a little intimidating that way? We -are- more complex, I guess.

...Or, hell, is it just one of -his- quirks, do I just need to back off, let it go? Maybe one of you can shed a little light on this. :huh:I enjoyed the first time and to this day love it