How Do I Even Begin To Ask For This?

[Livi713]

Ok, so I'm in my late 20's. I've been in a relationship for 10yrs. Our sex life is great. A little on the rough side

How do I begin to tell him I want it really rough. I want him to just take control. Like fully in control. I'm interested in DP as well (with a toy) but don't know how to bring that into effect as well. I feel like him and I our on slightly different pages when it comes to having the "fun" nights. Any tips on how I can bring these things into the bedroom?

[bbarney]

Exactly like that. Just say that you want him to be more dominant, take more control. Maybe even watch some porn together depicting what you are interested in.

[JnWputer]

Try sex coupons...... Make your own up.......if he wants to try them he will cash that coupon in....... Also this is someone you are with, if you don't ask or don't tell he won't know what you like and are willing to do. If you can have sex with him, have him in your most intimate places you should be able to talk to him. Do a class with him on hair pulling., teach what you like.....or make a fantasy jar where you both put in ideas, if your shy about asking for something.

[mailahn97]

You never know what your partner might enjoy without talking or trying. I learned this one as well. We were just talking one day not even planning on this conversation. We were talking about fantasies and I felt like there was something he wasn't quite sharing. I pushed a little further and found something he enjoyed and I found out that I did as well. He didn't originally tell me because he thought that it was something out of my comfort zone so you never know unless you bring it up.

[Livi713]

I've felt like I have tried all of these!! I know we are both on two completely different styles of sex. It's like dominating me is a turn off for him. I made him face fuck me, all he kept doing was asking if I was ok. Did I mention we have known each other for over 14yrs? So there should be no question that he should know I trust him. He's not hurting me and I'm obviously BEGGING for it. I pretty much had to beg for anal, then beg for him to pound it. He started too, but would not get into it or pull my hair. Im hatting how we ended up on two VERY different levels of sex. I'm not sure how to bring it up to this level with him. Do I just give up? Just take the ok sex and deal??? I'm not sure I could cause I'm horny 99% of my day.

[michelleddd]

I've felt this way about my guy once in a while, he came out of a very vanilla long marriage and it's taken him a while to

catch up. The sex is great but I like some imagination and initiative on a regular basis.

Good news is you've known him a long time and should be able to start an honest conversation about fantasies.

If you don't think that's going to fly how about starting a fantasy jar, each person writes down 10 (or more, depends on you)

fantasies on slips of paper that go into the jar. Once a week you each choose one and have to perform said fantasy sometime

during the week. It may show him what you really are wanting and allow him to join in without having to come up with said

scenario. Some people just don't have much imagination when it comes to sex, or hopefully you showing him what you want might just

stimulate something in him to head more in that direction.

ps each use a different color of paper.

[Rob]

I've felt like I have tried all of these!! I know we are both on two completely different styles of sex. It's like dominating me is a turn off for him. I made him face fuck me, all he kept doing was asking if I was ok. Did I mention we have known each other for over 14yrs? So there should be no question that he should know I trust him. He's not hurting me and I'm obviously BEGGING for it. I pretty much had to beg for anal, then beg for him to pound it. He started too, but would not get into it or pull my hair. Im hatting how we ended up on two VERY different levels of sex. I'm not sure how to bring it up to this level with him. Do I just give up? Just take the ok sex and deal??? I'm not sure I could cause I'm horny 99% of my day.

I would not give up. Make sure you are clear on your desires. Do you openly share your fantasies? Share yours with him. It sounds like he is not going to be your typical Alpha but maybe he can learn to be one a few nights a week.

[Livi713]

His looks most certainly make him look like the typical alpha male. Stereotyping I know, but he is 6'6 and both of us our gym/beachbody junkies. I'm thinking he just feels weird about doing things like that to someone he cares a lot for. Hoping a little weekend getaway would loosen him up a bit. Please don't get me wrong the sex is GREAT! I just need to be completely dominated once in awhile. What man wouldn't want no work, booze and a ton of sex for 3 days?

[Rob]

Sounds like it will be a fun 3 days! If he doesn't take your hints, just be more direct in what you want. Hopefully you both are not desiring for the same thing (to be dominated)! I am curious to see what happens.

[Livi713]

^ worst nightmare. Lol male submissive is not a turn on for me. I can tell he's holding back.

[RC4BLUE]

If I may, am going to approach things form a slightly different perspective. I agree an open honest conversation is the best way to ask for what you want and need. Your man may be having problems with another aspect. If he was raised to respect and honor women he may see dominance and playful aggression as wrong or harmful. Many men are taught that anything rough equate to abuse. While this is true if not consensual, it is not true in safe consensual relationships. He may be acting out of fear that has not so much to do with you as with with being afraid to go too far/loose control/be overly aggressive. If you haven't had a discussion about what he is holding back on or what may be his fears around sexuality and sexual play, you may want to. Give him,permission to be cautious while still asking for what you want/need. Take it slow if you must. If he is constantly asking if you are OK ask him to stop doing that and set up some safe words and boundaries. I like what everyone else has written and their suggestions seem solid and sound like fun. The two of you may not be that far apart. I wish you the best and keep opening the doors to what you both want and need.

[cwgrltinkerbell21]

10 years into a relationship… you should both be able to discuss the things that you both need with no qualms about limits or expectations. I would explain to him just as you did us what you are wanting to try and test out. Ya never know, it may turn out to be in your favor, and even cooler, HIS!! Good luck

[ladylove]

communication! The foundation for everything. Have you tried anything yet? If so, what did you try and how did it go?

[12GAUGE]

Exactly like that. Just say that you want him to be more dominant, take more control. Maybe even watch some porn together depicting what you are interested in.

Absolutely what BBarney says!! Be straight with your hubby. You've been together for 10 years for goodness sake!! But I think (according to what I've read according to sex therapists) tell him this when you're watching TV or a movie or doing something OTHER THAN having sex. Bondage, Discipline and good ole Sadomasochism may require some accesories such as handcuffs or leather (my favorite!) wrist bands or ankle bands conducive to tying to your 4 poster bed or a spanking bench. You both should visit Kink.com or a well equipped BDSM toys website. In the larger cities there are **sex positive** centers that cater to this activity. You might want to give this website a look see called http://FetLife.com . I have an account there under a different handle. There will be folks there who could offer you suggestions as to how to break this to your man.

There again I think you should just be straight up with him.

[jeffery_a_king@yahoo.com]

This topic hits home, married 10 years. This year just figured out my wife likes it on the rougher side and to my pleasant surprise loves my fingers in her ass. And if I can control myself, and take my time, my cock gets ass. I never knew that my wife is turned on by dirty talk too.

I'm glad that I've pushed the sexual play limits, because only a few sex positions and simple oral was getting boring. The more I ask about pushing the limits the more I get to push the limits.

[RC4BLUE]

It is amazing what a little conversation will reveal. I believe that the more you talk the further you will go. When partners as feeling safe, respected and adventurous there are endless possibilities and abilities to increase pleasure.

[slutshots]

Conversation is the key. Talk to him, make him understand. Assure him that everything is going to be fine.

[Biguy89]

When my wife told that she wanted to dominate me i had already been intrigied by the thought of it and i suprised her when i agreed to try it and we both enjoy it and are going to keep trying  more kinky things

[12GAUGE]

On 5/23/2014 at 4:05 PM, Livi713 said:

Ok, so I'm in my late 20's. I've been in a relationship for 10yrs. Our sex life is great. A little on the rough side

How do I begin to tell him I want it really rough. I want him to just take control. Like fully in control. I'm interested in DP as well (with a toy) but don't know how to bring that into effect as well. I feel like him and I our on slightly different pages when it comes to having the "fun" nights. Any tips on how I can bring these things into the bedroom?

Just tell him straight out. When you're watching something lame and both of you are disinterested tell him right then. He may get so turned on he jumps on you right then and ravages you. Some guys you'll have to bring this up on multiple occasions before we get the message.  I'm in this crowd.

 

I don't know how freaky you 2 are but if you enjoy strict discipline you might suggest this even surprising him with a new flogger or some tool of a spanking nature.

Edited January 4, 2017 by 12GAUGE
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