I don't understand this. I'm so confused and nobody will help me.

[Sunshine Sam218]

It's been a long time since I let anyone in since I was abused by my last boyfriend. For the longest time I had so much anger and sadness inside me. I actually hated men, all men and didn't trust any of them after being abused emotionally, verbally and mentally. Now I no longer feel that way. Than someone came back into my life again who means the world to me and ever since him and I made love and we got close, he's been acting very weird, distant, won't return any of my messages on Facebook messenger.  Now I'm leaving him alone and giving him space. He has asperger's and I understand there's times where he likes to be alone and not want to talk to anyone. He told me he felt extremely close to me when him and I had sex. He also admitted to me that he cares deeply for me and that he likes me. I see love in his eyes though. I let him into my world, he opened up to me and he wanted me to open up to him completely and I did. For the first time in the longest time I felt extremely happy and anytime he sent me messages I actually smiled and laughed and no guy has ever made me feel those feelings before. Now I feel like he's driving me crazy, but in a good way cause I'm deeply in love with him. I told him I'll be patient with him and I am. It's just right now I feel as if it's something I did to make him disappear and not return any of my messages.

My friends told me to leave him alone and to wait for him to message me and my closest friend told me to wait a week and then just send him a message saying "Hello". At this point I have no idea what to do and I'm very very confused. To be honest with everyone I have a learning disability and it takes me awhile before I can understand things. Especially different kind of disorders, college work, Math, etc. There's times where I sometimes get frustrated at myself. Once I fully understand something though I'm no longer confused. When I was younger I remember crying and calling myself stupid a lot of the time and thinking how I could never do anything right. I'm no longer ashamed of my learning disability which is good. He told me I'm the first person he's had sex with in two years and I believe him because I know him very well and he's an extremely picky person by nature. For the longest time I kept asking myself, "Why me? Why am I the first one he had sex with?" A lot of people think he's in love with me and that he's scared of getting hurt again after his last girlfriend cheated on him. At this point, I honestly don't know what to think. 

[tootimidDeana]

Hello!

In my opinion, there's nothing you can do about this because you cannot control someone else's actions. The best you can do if you truly care about him is just tell him how you feel. And then he can decide what to do from there. You cannot force him to do something if he doesn't want to. Maybe he is scared, maybe he is confused too. If he has Asperger's syndrome then he may not know how to communicate his feelings to you.

I'm sorry to hear about your past abusive relationship. But you must grow and not let anyone hold you back. We never know why people do the things they do, you just have to explain your feelings and be honest. That is all you can do! They can take it or leave it--it's just like a break-up, or a friendship falling apart. Things like this are hard and upsetting, but you can't wonder and guess what he is thinking. Just ask, and tell him how you feel.

A little tough love but I hope that this helps!

[Tyger]

I know we've messaged privately, and you've posted in other areas about this guy.

Again, please understand that, since he's on the Autism spectrum, he feels things more intensely. He obsesses over things a bit more than others. His social skills may be severely lacking. He's slow to trust, and will have to have repeated confirmation that you care for him, and won't hurt him.

This is what I meant when I asked you if you were truly ready for this type of relationship. It's going to be a bit more work than a relationship with a fully functioning male. Though, the one really good thing about this guy is that people on the spectrum tell it like it is. Sometimes it's a bit too blunt, but you always know where you stand with them! They also take everything at face value.

I agree. Give him a few days. Though, you posted this on Sunday, so I'd be safe to say that calling him (not messaging him) would be best. You texting or messaging over the computer won't have the same effect on him, and he won't be able to get any hints or may misread something. Voice to voice, or even face to face communication is really best in any situation, with anyone, but especially with those on the spectrum.

Please understand that what he does is what he feels at that moment, and from the heart.

[Sunshine Sam218]

On 6/30/2016 at 10:58 PM, Tyger said:

I know we've messaged privately, and you've posted in other areas about this guy.

Again, please understand that, since he's on the Autism spectrum, he feels things more intensely. He obsesses over things a bit more than others. His social skills may be severely lacking. He's slow to trust, and will have to have repeated confirmation that you care for him, and won't hurt him.

This is what I meant when I asked you if you were truly ready for this type of relationship. It's going to be a bit more work than a relationship with a fully functioning male. Though, the one really good thing about this guy is that people on the spectrum tell it like it is. Sometimes it's a bit too blunt, but you always know where you stand with them! They also take everything at face value.

I agree. Give him a few days. Though, you posted this on Sunday, so I'd be safe to say that calling him (not messaging him) would be best. You texting or messaging over the computer won't have the same effect on him, and he won't be able to get any hints or may misread something. Voice to voice, or even face to face communication is really best in any situation, with anyone, but especially with those on the spectrum.

Please understand that what he does is what he feels at that moment, and from the heart.

I'm ready for this kind of relationship, I just needed someone to explain to me about his disorder because I never met anyone who has this kind of disorder before. I have a friend who's bipolar and she opened up to me about it little by little. Finally I asked her in person to fully explain to me how she felt so I have a better understanding about it and I picked up on how on her depressed days she didn't really want to talk to anyone, slept in her bed all day long and barely wanted to eat anything and then her moods changed and I picked up on it. I never said anything to her though. One day she was laying bed and crying and I told her to try to get out of bed, take a shower and maybe we can just go to the movies. I told her just to try. She took a half hour to decide and finally we went out to the movies.

I know little things about his disorder, I just don't know everything about it. I have noticed that he's very very blunt and he knows i was abused before and he did say once to me, "I'm sorry. Please don't take what I say to heart. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just blunt and tend to say a lot of crazy things sometimes. I even say things at work as well." I've been given him a few days for space and surprisingly enough he texted me through Facebook messenger. He told me he's not really a phone person, if I need to talk to him though he tells me to call. He wants me to get a phone so we can text each other so we don't always have to talk through Facebook messenger. 

I agree that's he's really hurt and betrayed by being cheated on. I totally get that because I was cheated on too and it hurt me deeply. However it may be a different bit different from him and I don't mind telling him that I care for him and that I won't hurt him. He hasn't gotten upset around me yet about that kind of thing. Only once it happened and I ended up hugging him and told him that he's all I wanted. I'm a very patient person, I just get very confused easily and anytime I'm confused or don't understand something I get frustrated and keep trying to figure it out. If you could maybe link me some articles about his disorder or anything that could help me out in the near future that would be great. As for now I just plan on seeing where it goes and talking to him. He invited me to his place again on the 13th and told me in the near future he wants to request some days off to come and stay at my place. I was totally not even expecting this at all. Right now I think he's taking it slow with me until he completely knows for sure that I won't hurt him. Thanks again for all your responses, I just didn't honestly know anything about his disorder completely.

[Tyger]

If he's willing, I'd recommend that you ask to go to his doctor with him to explain his particular space in the spectrum. Saying "Asperger's Autism" varies person to person. Basically, without specifics, he's a highly functioning person with Autism. Each person's space on the spectrum with it is different, which is why they haven't been able to pinpoint what causes it, or specific medications that may help. Saying He's like this for sure isn't an option. It's not like explaining someone with a physical issue, such as a missing leg. The mental disorders are person-specific. There's no one set explanation for everyone.

Only HIS doctor/counselor if he has one, would be able to explain what he may not be able to.

Asking someone with a disorder, such as bipolar, where it is the dirct WAY to get the information, isn't always the BEST way for the person with said disorder. They can explain how they may feel during a meltdown,  or their triggers, but that doesn't mean that everyone with that specific issue feels the same way, or experiences the same things for the same reasons. I have had several bipolar friends and family members. Each one's triggers, reactions, and experiences were all different.

The way I can recommend that you ask him to go with him to his doctor and/or counselor, is by gently asking him. Such as "You know, I really want to put the effort in to making this work with us. And I want to understand you, and avoid as much as I can that may cause problems. Do you think it'd be ok for me to go with you to your doctor/counselor and ask him/her some questions in front of you?" Keep it short, honest, and direct.

[12GAUGE]

On 6/30/2016 at 7:58 PM, Tyger said:

I know we've messaged privately, and you've posted in other areas about this guy.

Again, please understand that, since he's on the Autism spectrum, he feels things more intensely. He obsesses over things a bit more than others. His social skills may be severely lacking. He's slow to trust, and will have to have repeated confirmation that you care for him, and won't hurt him.

This is what I meant when I asked you if you were truly ready for this type of relationship. It's going to be a bit more work than a relationship with a fully functioning male. Though, the one really good thing about this guy is that people on the spectrum tell it like it is. Sometimes it's a bit too blunt, but you always know where you stand with them! They also take everything at face value.

I agree. Give him a few days. Though, you posted this on Sunday, so I'd be safe to say that calling him (not messaging him) would be best. You texting or messaging over the computer won't have the same effect on him, and he won't be able to get any hints or may misread something. Voice to voice, or even face to face communication is really best in any situation, with anyone, but especially with those on the spectrum.

Please understand that what he does is what he feels at that moment, and from the heart.

Girl go with Tyger's thoughts. She may be a bit younger than me but she is a woman and she undoubtedly knows way the heck more than me. I am just an older fella who dreams of what we (I) once wanted and at my point in life I am willing to *go the extra mile to let you know you are the ONLY ONE FOR ME.*

Can't make it more plainer than that without going full motard.

Edited September 24, 2016 by 12GAUGE
screwed up in reverse

[Tyger]

On Saturday, September 24, 2016 at 5:33 PM, 12GAUGE said:

Girl go with Tyger's thoughts. She may be a bit younger than me but she is a woman and she undoubtedly knows way the heck more than me. I am just an older fella who dreams of what we (I) once wanted and at my point in life I am willing to *go the extra mile to let you know you are the ONLY ONE FOR ME.*

Can't make it more plainer than that without going full motard.

Thanks 12. I appreciate the agreement.

[12GAUGE]

On 12/21/2016 at 7:42 PM, Tyger said:

Thanks 12. I appreciate the agreement.

And I thank you Tyger as it was my extreme pleasure to give my .02 worth and have someone actually like or have a tendency to heed my advice. Long as I'm here I just wanna say this. All the years I been here in the TT forums I've thoroughly enjoyed myself getting to know some of the folks here and everyone's somewhat bizarre sexual proclivities. And when it cums down to bizarre and OUT THERE I'm right near the front of THAT line. I always got a real thrill Tyger gazing upon your avatar and  fantasizing you and another extremely Hot nubile lil thing getting jiggy nekid or in bondage gear.

 

Thanx Tyger you helped me more than you'll ever know.

[12GAUGE]

I'm still here and life continues.