Kama

"Just because you get intimate with men doesn't mean that you can't be gay."

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Kama    132

Hi all,

 

i was curious for opinions.  A former therapist told me, "just because you enjoy getting intimate with men doesn't mean you can't be gay. My client identifies as a lesbian, and she hooks up with guys."  

I disagree with this.  I have a hard time believing that I am gay, if I feel attracted to men.  I told this therapist that I have had sex with men and women.  I told her that I like men more, which led her to make her comments. She also said, "you will know when you're gay or straight, depending on who you fall in love with." Um, I know what I am? 

I did go through a phase where I was exploring my sexual orientation in my 20's. I found out that I liked men more.

 What is your definition of a gay woman? Am I missing something here? I thought being a lesbian meant that you prefer to have sex and romantic relationships with women

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RC4BLUE    872

There are too many people (therapist included) that do not have a good understanding of sexual orientation. Most people fall somewhere on the spectrum from completely hetero to completely homo sexual, and everywhere inbetween. Orientation is what you claim/ feel/believe is right for you. I know lesbian women who have attractions to men. I know gay men who have attractions to women. They do not call themselves bisexual. I know straight people who hookup with same gendered people from time to time and they would never say they are gay or bisexual. We each claim our sexuality and can shape it to what is best for each of us.

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Kama    132
13 hours ago, RC4BLUE said:

There are too many people (therapist included) that do not have a good understanding of sexual orientation. Most people fall somewhere on the spectrum from completely hetero to completely homo sexual, and everywhere inbetween. Orientation is what you claim/ feel/believe is right for you. I know lesbian women who have attractions to men. I know gay men who have attractions to women. They do not call themselves bisexual. I know straight people who hookup with same gendered people from time to time and they would never say they are gay or bisexual. We each claim our sexuality and can shape it to what is best for each of us.

Right. There are grey areas.  Calling myself a lesbian doesn't feel right to me.  While she might suggest I am gay, I have someone else saying, "you're not really bisexual, because you aren't turned on by this woman."   Um, bisexual people can be picky on who they like.  I have a certain type of person that I am attracted too.  

I should add that the therapist thought I was gay, because of the fact that penetration wasn't my favorite act. She said, "I sometimes wonder if it's bc it's a man. Half of my sexually abused clients are gay."  I have discussed this before on this forum that my favorite sex act is giving blowjobs.  To me, I still don't understand how I can be gay when an act involving a man and a woman turns me on the most. Second, I don't think it's fair to assume that child sexual abuse makes you gay, I know numerous sexual abuse survivors married to men . 

 

I would be curious to know if there are lesbians who love giving blowjobs and receiving facials, because I don't know any. 

 

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RC4BLUE    872

It amazes me how anyone (especially a therapist) could say that just because penetration is not your favorite act indicates that you are lesbian/gay. There is nothing that indicates the act of penetration is heterosexual of homosexual. Penetration is as much a preference as an act as oral stimulation is. Being sexually abused (or not) does not make someone gay/lesbian, strait or bi or anything else. That therapist needs to educate him/herself. It sounds like the therapist was trapped in his/her own ignorance of sexuality. You are most correct - you are attracted to who you are attracted to. That doesn't make you straight/gay/bi/or anything else. Only you can claim your sexual orientation. Be true to yourself and everything else will fall into place.

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Kama    132

Thanks rc! I think that clarifies my question on what's gay or not.   

 

well, not all therapists are sex therapists right?   I know it might be hard to not bring your own biases to session.  this current therapist specialized in body image and self-esteem, which she was great at.    She was very nice. I guess those few comments she made didn't jive with me.  Or maybe I misread her communication.  That happens too. 

 

 

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Crazy Cat    430

I am going to chime in here.  I agree with RC.  That only you can claim your sexual orientation.

I am a child sex abuse survivor. I am married to a man. But the female body is a beauty to be beheld in its own right in my mind.

The act of enjoying  penetration or oral has no determining factor to being straight/gay/bi.  And I think the therapist was off the mark here. There is no rule if you like this, than it determines you are that.

Enjoy what you enjoy and be happy. forget the labels.

 

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Kama    132
47 minutes ago, Crazy Cat said:

I am going to chime in here.  I agree with RC.  That only you can claim your sexual orientation.

I am a child sex abuse survivor. I am married to a man. But the female body is a beauty to be beheld in its own right in my mind.

The act of enjoying  penetration or oral has no determining factor to being straight/gay/bi.  And I think the therapist was off the mark here. There is no rule if you like this, than it determines you are that.

Enjoy what you enjoy and be happy. forget the labels.

 

You're kind of like me. :)  Thanks for sharing and I am sorry that you endured trauma. Best wishes to you!

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Tyger    717

I love RC's responses. 

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Kama    132

 I am going to let out a big revelation here. 

I have realized that I am straight after all, or heteroflexibile at most. It does feel empowering to say that!  I think exploring with the same sex had to do with some stressful life stuff.  Some people might say "how can you stop being bi?"  I made a mistake and got more information/life experience.  My 20's was a really tough time. 

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