Getting back out of a dry spell

[Alantis]

Hi.  So I'm at a total loss on how to handle this.  The first year or two we seemed to have sex fairly regularly, at least once a week or two which I'd be ok with.  We've been dating for 5 years now and I can't tell you the last time we had sex.  Maybe several months ago.  We are a younger couple (I'm 33, she's 27) and she just has no interest in it. 

So there are several things working against us.  For starters, my peak horny time of the day is in the AM and hers is in the PM.  She has body issues, which I constantly tell her that she's beautiful.  I try to go out of my way to tell her not too often, but during times when I'm hoping it seems sincere but random.  She recently had an injury of her leg where I think she sprained it and rather than going to the doctors is just trying to muscle through it.  Idk how much of that she is using as an easy excuse or not.  I'm trying my absolute damnedest not to put any kind of pressure on her with the situation.  Maybe some kissing on the neck while holding her close and dropping a subtle (or sometimes not subtle lol) hint that I would like if we had sex.  This is met with almost an instant no.  When that happens I do my absolute best to respond with an "Ok" and then move on to another topic.  I'm really trying hard to apply no pressure here by saying "Ok" in a sour, or manipulative way, bc I don't want sex just bc she feels guilty.  She almost always tells me she feels guilty about it anyways no matter what my efforts are.  She is very closed/guarded when it comes to sex.

 

I feel defeated and frustrated.  I don't even know how to approach the subject.  I feel like we are in this loop of I ask, she says no.  I try to be as reassuring that it isn't a big deal and that it is ok to say no, sometimes you just aren't in the mood.  Her saying no when she knows that I have needs makes her feel guilty which makes her reinforce her walls that much stronger.  I don't require a lot of sexual attention, but I need something.  I feel that a sexless relationship is indicative of some issues.  Her's, mine, ours...it is all kind of the same at this point.  Ideas or thoughts on how to break through this?

[RC4BLUE]

I offer my compassion to you. That pain of a lack of physical intimacy is difficult. I know there are many factors that keep the two of you together. The lack of a sex life is frustrating. I don't know it the two of you have had an open and honest conversation about your and her needs, desires, wants and expectations. If not that may be needed. This conversation needs to happen away from the bedroom. I usually say have a conversation about sex and intamcy at the kitchen table. Is is much more than do you want to have sex. It is more about what is important to you about sex, pleasure and connection. Talk about what you like, what she like and what you both like together. As much as you think complements are helpful, they may not be if she doesn't believe them, or believe them to be true. 

If she is closed and guarded about sex,,is there a reason for it, past abuse, negative messages from parents or religion, fear of pregnancy, or lack of trust. Sometimes the lack of sexual desire is a product of anxiety or depression. If that is the case then she may have to address that. Sometimes the lack of desire is physiological, if so that may need to be examined (thyroid problems, ovarian problems, etc.). Sometimes lack of desire may be rooted in more issues with guilt and shame, if so that may need to be addressed. 

If all of that is not an issue, remember foreplay is not the 10 minutes before sex. Think of foreplay as 24 to 48 hours of sexiness before sex. Suggestions, touches, words of interest, doing things together playfully, and more can be types of foreplay. Spend time together doing sexy things. Maybe read erotic together, watch a sexy movie, play a sexy game; all can enhance mood. Maybe schedule a "date", with the idea of physical intimacy being a part of the date. Sometimes just looking forward to sex can get someone in the mood for sex. If you are morning and she is evening, look for a time that you are closer together such as middle of the afternoon. 

Last, if nothing make a difference, think about getting professional help. The lack of sex can be a larger issue that is marked by her saying she has no interest. I know this is all difficult. I wish you the best.

[Tyger]

Well, I was going to add words of wisdom, but RC pretty much covered everything I wanted to say. So, what he said!