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Jealousy


mlynnc

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I am the most jealous person I know. I do understand that the jealousy lies within my own head - there is no reason for me to be this way.

I cant figure out why I lack trust in my boyfriend of over 4 years.

The only thing I can think of that has happened in our lives is when I moved away for a year - we spent a LONG time missing eachother, and I feel that it was a very difficult time. We missed eachother alot. We saw eachother ONCE within that year - and it was AMAZING. But, we spent alot of lonely days apart.

Do you think that maybe my jealousy is because somehow Im still holding on tightly like I was when we were apart? How do I loosen my grip?

I dont have normal jealousy. I get jealous of sexual behaviour in films and flaunty girls. I dont even like him talking to girls that I view as prettier than me (this is usually ME thinking they are prettier than me - not him saying or suggesting).

I know I'm not perfect, nobody is. But for some reason - I cant get my head around this. Is there some way I can... snap out of this!?

It's upsetting and frustrating because I cant figure out how to stop it and how to trust him 100% like I did before our time apart.

I do trust him. I REALLY do. I know he loves me and is in love with me and would NEVER stray - but for some reason, I am still jealous. Of everything.

He used to reassure me alot - how beautiful I am, alot of compliments... EVERYTHING. He is extremely loving and caring and I know he is in love with me, I know it and I can feel it too. Now he doesnt - he tells me that I should know it by now. Mostly because I fish for it when Im jealous. Not good.

What can I do!? It's 100% MY problem. It's really stupid and I am aware of it. It is so unhealthy.

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Jealousy is a normal thing, I think, but you're taking it a bit to the extreme. You have put a lot of energy into staking a claim for this man and it seems you want to make sure it sticks. Fine, but you're likely to find that sort of emotion is going to be extremely transparent no matter how well you think you're hiding it and it will start to put stress on the relationship.

The first thing you really need to stop doing is comparing yourself to others whether they be on TV or walking down the street. There is diversity in people and you should like yourself for who you are as well as what you aren't. Face it, you have one thing that none of them do...him. If that isn't enough for you I think you're in for some rough times ahead.

The better thing for you to do is to start enjoying the scenery with him. My wife and I make comments all the time when we see people we find attractive or when we see someone who we think the other might find attractive. That can give you a feeling of control over a situation that likely needs no control but it will also teach you about your SO's likes and dislikes.

As far as his stopping the compliments...well...he's an idiot for that. We all like to be reassured that we're still attractive, that we're still useful, that we're still loved. He needs to pick that habit right back up. I would even venture to say that you should have a nice conversation with him about your feelings in such a way that isn't accusatory, but more open to mature conversation.

Thurisas.

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I mirror Thurasis' sentiments. Jealousy is a state of mind, and it's one you really need to get over. Jealousy can be flattering, to a degree, however, it really can get on someone's nerves, and can kill a relationship. I mean, how many times must one defend themselves?

Your profile doesn't say how old you are, but I have found that young people get really jealous. As we age, we come to realize that if someone is going to cheat, there's nothing you can do to change that. We also become more accepting that people look at the sex they're attracted too, whether they're in committed relationships or not. It's human nature. We look. That doesn't mean that when one looks, they're looking for something better. It doesn't. It just means that we're not dead! Don't punish him for being an alive male! It's not fair.

Getting jealous over some people on TV is a bit extreme. Do you honestly think that Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Pam Anderson, Emily Proctor, Sandra Bullock, or Tyra is going to pop out of the screen and take your man away from you? I mean, really. I'm not trying to sound insulting, but even in your post, you sounded like you knew how silly that really is.

Jealousy, usually stems from low self-esteem. only YOU can work on that. There are many posts here that address self esteem issues and such. But, what I suggest to people, is that they concentrate on ONE good thing about themselves each and every day. Say you're having a good hair day. GREAT! Makeup came out exceptionally well today! AWESOME!! You're going "camando" to surprise your BF (that usually puts a sexy glint in the eye and a sway in the walk whether you notice it or not). WONDERFUL. You're wearing your favorite shoes! SEXY!! Morning sex! HUBBA HUBBA!!!

Remember, your BF loves you enough to endure a whole year away from you, and came back to you afterwards! That takes love AND commitment.

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I also have a huge problem with jealousy, and it's the one thing about me that my hubby can't stand. All I can say is that I have actually been doing what Tyger has said: take it one day at a time, find something FANTASTIC about yourself for the day, and if you can't think of something, MAKE ONE! Wear those favorite shoes, put on your most flattering outfit, and don't say a word fishing for a compliment. Do it yourself! Look at yourself at every reflective thing you can find (elevator doors, windows, mirrors, lakes, whatever!) and tell yourself that you are amazing. Sometimes that's just what it takes to get yourself over the low self-esteem hump, even though it sounds totally narcissistic. The other huge thing is to remember that you were apart for a year, and he came back TO YOU! I did the same thing, spent our engagement year in an LDR, and I just have to keep reminding myself that even though he was at a college campus, with tons of beautiful girls, he still married me! Even if he were to stray, he'll keep coming back to me, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve me. To loosen your tight grip on him, do like thurisas said, and go shopping for him, pointing out good looking women. Stoke his fantasy fires and get some of your own back by telling him "Man, she's hot. I'd do her." Any guy hearing a hetero girl say she'd "do" another girl says it's amazingly hot :) even if you'd never follow through. And adding one more thing that you know makes your BF hot for you is yet another thing to get you over that self-esteem hump.

Hope it helps!

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Jealousy is a normal thing, I think, but you're taking it a bit to the extreme. You have put a lot of energy into staking a claim for this man and it seems you want to make sure it sticks. Fine, but you're likely to find that sort of emotion is going to be extremely transparent no matter how well you think you're hiding it and it will start to put stress on the relationship.

The first thing you really need to stop doing is comparing yourself to others whether they be on TV or walking down the street. There is diversity in people and you should like yourself for who you are as well as what you aren't. Face it, you have one thing that none of them do...him. If that isn't enough for you I think you're in for some rough times ahead.

The better thing for you to do is to start enjoying the scenery with him. My wife and I make comments all the time when we see people we find attractive or when we see someone who we think the other might find attractive. That can give you a feeling of control over a situation that likely needs no control but it will also teach you about your SO's likes and dislikes.

As far as his stopping the compliments...well...he's an idiot for that. We all like to be reassured that we're still attractive, that we're still useful, that we're still loved. He needs to pick that habit right back up. I would even venture to say that you should have a nice conversation with him about your feelings in such a way that isn't accusatory, but more open to mature conversation.

Thurisas.

I'm going to reply to everyone's comments because I feel this issue is having a very large impact on my life and each and every single one of you have pointed out some very valid points.

My favorite thing that you said is 'Face it, you have one thing that none of them do...him' - I've never really thought about it like that, isnt that sad? My face lit up when you said this and a 'You're right!' feeling went soaring through my body. I do have him, and I've had him for 4 years! I shouldnt be jealous at all! I met him when he was 15 years old and I have been with him since!

I am his first/only girlfriend ever! This is something that has made me feel a bit jealous at times also - because, he talks of marriage, etc (even though he is only 19 - tsk tsk!) and how he wants to be with me forever... but he hasnt ever been with anyone else, does he really know? He says he does - he says that he has no need to find someone else, because he's already found that perfect person and when you find something perfect... you dont look further. I know what he is saying, but sometimes in the back of my head I think - he is still young, doesnt he ever get a tingle to explore more than me!? He says no.

The one thing that alot of people have said in their replies to my original post is to 'enjoy the scenery' - that is probably a step I cant take yet! :( I would really struggle with that. He has told me before about people he thinks are pretty and my self esteem crashes and burns. I know people are pretty, and I know when he views people as pretty - anyone with a brain knows the difference between pretty and not. It's different to be told by him.

Although - I have to say, I work in an office environment where I used to wear flat shoes, a simple top and normal bottoms. Recently, I went shopping with him and he suggested I try heels - in which his mouth dropped and he said 'You look SO good in those! You REALLY suit them! Buy them! Buy them! I will buy them!' Hahaha - I did buy them, and I dont wear flat shoes to work anymore. In fact, I have a couple of pairs now... AND I'm wearing skirts and low cut tops. So, that is a good thing.

Also... he hasnt STOPPED complimenting me - like in general. Just, he doesnt compliment me when Im upset over some sexy girl flaunting on the TV or something he views as silly. He just tells me Im being silly about it and I should know better. He IS right though :)

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I mirror Thurasis' sentiments. Jealousy is a state of mind, and it's one you really need to get over. Jealousy can be flattering, to a degree, however, it really can get on someone's nerves, and can kill a relationship. I mean, how many times must one defend themselves?

Your profile doesn't say how old you are, but I have found that young people get really jealous. As we age, we come to realize that if someone is going to cheat, there's nothing you can do to change that. We also become more accepting that people look at the sex they're attracted too, whether they're in committed relationships or not. It's human nature. We look. That doesn't mean that when one looks, they're looking for something better. It doesn't. It just means that we're not dead! Don't punish him for being an alive male! It's not fair.

Getting jealous over some people on TV is a bit extreme. Do you honestly think that Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Pam Anderson, Emily Proctor, Sandra Bullock, or Tyra is going to pop out of the screen and take your man away from you? I mean, really. I'm not trying to sound insulting, but even in your post, you sounded like you knew how silly that really is.

Jealousy, usually stems from low self-esteem. only YOU can work on that. There are many posts here that address self esteem issues and such. But, what I suggest to people, is that they concentrate on ONE good thing about themselves each and every day. Say you're having a good hair day. GREAT! Makeup came out exceptionally well today! AWESOME!! You're going "camando" to surprise your BF (that usually puts a sexy glint in the eye and a sway in the walk whether you notice it or not). WONDERFUL. You're wearing your favorite shoes! SEXY!! Morning sex! HUBBA HUBBA!!!

Remember, your BF loves you enough to endure a whole year away from you, and came back to you afterwards! That takes love AND commitment.

I just updated my profile - I am 21.

'I mean, how many times must one defend themselves?' - You're right, I cant imagine if he did it to me. If he constantly fished for compliments. That's sooo bad.

Im more than aware that getting jealous over people on the TV is a bit extreme, but all the same - the pressure on today's women to be picture perfect is awful. How come we cant watch a decent film without seeing some girl's bare breast bounce across the screen with a minute of moaning? I guarantee the majority of people in today's society would change something (or multiple things) about themselves to be MORE LIKE someone on the TV. The pressure is ridiculous - skinny, leggy, no imperfections, sexy lips, big wide eyes, long bouncy hair. Nobody can have it all, but we all push ourselves to TRY!! This is a bit of an ongoing rant of mine - that needs to STOP.

I will work on my self esteem, like you suggest. I will start today. I will wear my favorite clothes and make sure that I feel good when I walk out the door :) :) Thank you.

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I also have a huge problem with jealousy, and it's the one thing about me that my hubby can't stand. All I can say is that I have actually been doing what Tyger has said: take it one day at a time, find something FANTASTIC about yourself for the day, and if you can't think of something, MAKE ONE! Wear those favorite shoes, put on your most flattering outfit, and don't say a word fishing for a compliment. Do it yourself! Look at yourself at every reflective thing you can find (elevator doors, windows, mirrors, lakes, whatever!) and tell yourself that you are amazing. Sometimes that's just what it takes to get yourself over the low self-esteem hump, even though it sounds totally narcissistic. The other huge thing is to remember that you were apart for a year, and he came back TO YOU! I did the same thing, spent our engagement year in an LDR, and I just have to keep reminding myself that even though he was at a college campus, with tons of beautiful girls, he still married me! Even if he were to stray, he'll keep coming back to me, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve me. To loosen your tight grip on him, do like thurisas said, and go shopping for him, pointing out good looking women. Stoke his fantasy fires and get some of your own back by telling him "Man, she's hot. I'd do her." Any guy hearing a hetero girl say she'd "do" another girl says it's amazingly hot :) even if you'd never follow through. And adding one more thing that you know makes your BF hot for you is yet another thing to get you over that self-esteem hump.

Hope it helps!

The thing that caught my eye about your post is when you mentioned to look at myself alot - I do already, he says 'you're so vain'! every time!!

I mean... I look at myself from the side and up close at my eyes and eye make-up, etc. I'm never in front of the mirror doing poses or anything! Haha

Im not too sure if he means it in a bad way or not.

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Koman and Meredith: Both of you need to find ways to get your feelings under control. There are few things that will destroy a relationship faster than one partner always accusing the other of being interested in other members of the opposite sex. Its almost a self fulfilling prophecy!

What my second wife and I did was turn the issue inside out. Ask yourself, and then ask him, as you point out an obviously attractive woman he may not have seen: What does she have that I don't have? Or as my wife would say to me, " Do you think she gives as good a blow job as I do?" Now, what is a guy going to say to that loaded-for-bear question????? And, in turn, I would point out some great looking, and often Younger guy for her to drool over, and whisper in her ear, " Do you think he eats pussy as good as I do?" What is a woman going to say in answer to that?

The point of our exercise is that we accepted the fact that all humans are wired to LOOK! Men look at pretty women, and women look at good looking guys! The more flesh shown, the more we notice. That is a fact of life. Now, YOU are both getting depressed over this normal event. I am suggesting that you get over it by controlling it and turning it in your favor. By asking your BF those kinds of questions we asked each other, you get him to smile, get him to realize that he already has a terrific, willing partner in hand( a butt squeeze can accent the point, BTW) and that literally, " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush!" The unknown woman he is staring at may be the most wonderful lover and companion in the world. More likely she is missing some of those finer attributes. The same with the men. Pretty people know it, and often try to sail through life on their looks only. They are as dumb as a box of rocks. And they tend to be incompetent lovers, because, once again, they can get their rocks off without really working at it. There lovers are suppose to be awed by the fact they get to make love to a " beautiful body". Sorry, it doesn't usually work that way. Maybe once, but then anyone would want to move on.

Jealousy is merely self doubt. So, ask yourselves, What reason have you to be so down on yourself? Then make a list of all the great things about yourself. We obsess about looks too much, striving for the perfect, air-brushed pictures of models and actresses that appear on TV, movies, and in magazines, or billboards. NO one looks that good in person. Or at least very few do. My father got to meet the actress, Kim Novak up close, and he said the thing that impressed him the most was how flawless her skin was. Now, he could not know or say how many skin peels she may have had, or plastic surgery to removes some blemish, wart, or mole, and he understood that. But, he said she was very casual in meeting all the people at his plant, and was as warm and friendly in person as she appears on screen and in interviews. And she had perfect skin. A lot of older men had lots of wet dreams about Kim Novak in her day!

If your list of great and good things appears rather short, then ask your friends to make such lists. i bet you you will be surprised at the things your friends value in you that have nothing to do with those things you obsess about. Learn from your friends. Trust their judgment. Of course, work on those things that you want to improve, but learn to accept those things that are not going to change. Find a way to turn that to an advantage.

For instance, my last name is rediculously long, and difficult to pronounce. It has given me problems all my life. Instead of moaning about it, I make a joke of it, when introduced to someone, and encourage them to call me anything they like, except " late for dinner!". I have freckles on top of freckles, hiding behind moles. Instead of being self conscious about that, I just call myself," the Polka Dot Kid ". It gets people to smile, and realize that we all have our " blemishs".

MY wife could look as homely as a mud fence when she frowned, but when she smiled, she could stop wars! God, does she have a beautiful smile, that lights up rooms! She is also tall and skinny, and obsesses over not have that hourglass figure. I think she is elegant and sexy as hell! Put her in a man's dress shirt, a sarong, and high heels, give her a glass of champaign to sip, ask her to smile, and start taking the pictures! My wife has a mole in a particular imtimate location. I am one of only two people on this planet that has seen it, besides her and her OB/GYN. To make her feel sexy when she was down, I would whisper in her ear, " Can I lick your mole tonight?" I guarantee she got great mileage out of that " blemish ".

One good exercise for both of you would be to find a Boudoir Phtograph, and talk to him/her about taking sexy pictures of you to give to your husbands or lovers as a surprise Christmas or Birthday gift. The photographer will be able to pose and dress you to bring out the sexiness in you, and will surprise you with pictures of you that don't fit your self image at all. It will be therapeutic for both of you. You will not only learn something about yourself going through the picture taking process, but you will have permanent proof in the form of photographs to remind you of just how sexy you can look!

Best wishes.

Howard

I LOVE the idea of the whispering in his ear about whether or not he thinks a particular girl would give a good blowjob! That sounds fun AND would help. Perfect idea! Thank you :)

I also like the idea of the sexy photos - that also sounds fun... I will definitely have to look into that :)

I have only been a member of this forum for 2 days and I have already been filled with fantastic advice. You guys are amazing B)

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Only marginally off topic here, Howard, but how on earth would I go about getting some professional Boudoir Photographs done? Sounds incredibly interesting to give as a surprise gift :)

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  • 4 years later...
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well, a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship,

but too much of it is not good, definitely..

we women may easily lose our trust to our partners prior to betraying us..

but u know, if u really love him then work it out together

and if u think he's into somebody else, then let him go.. :)

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  • 5 weeks later...
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Jealousy...What an ugly green eyed monster it is....

In my days gone by, I was a a jealous young man, when I was involved or in a relationship with a woman...I disliked my Girlfriend or woman I was with at the time, to even see her engaged in conversation with another male...I have never been physical with a woman, but a few arguments have been as a result of my jealous tendencies...

Ive since learned, and feel though I may not be any smarter, I do feel wiser as a result of many errors, and I am still jealous and possessive of the Woman I am involved with, I just dont allow my jealous thoughts to interfere with my emotions...I definitely dont have arguments over such silly thoughts...

Now it seems though the tables have turned, and my GF is more of the jealous person in our relationship...And it often kills the mood...

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Bottom line....jealousy springs from insecurity. No one person can EVER be all things and fill all desires for anyone else. You can never control your own thoughts and fantasies much less anyone elses. The more insecure you feel about yourself, the more possessive you become, but that is a self-defeating mode of thought because the more uptight you get spinning that negativity thru your head, the more negative vibes you give off which WILL (surprise, surprise) turn the object of your desire wayyyyy off! Accept that all people will be attracted to or fantasize about other people off and on throughout their life. As long as they don't ACT on it, It does NOT take anything way from you. Your self-worth, sensuality, and desirability cannot be taken away by that. But you can make it disappear yourself by letting that ugly stuff take control of you making you bitter and bitchy! B)

(By the way.....it took me ALOT of years to figure that out lol! I was one jealous be-otch when I was younger!)

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Bottom line....jealousy springs from insecurity. No one person can EVER be all things and fill all desires for anyone else.

I don't exactly agree with this. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. When I decide "this is the one," then she does fulfill all my desires. About a year after I got married my wife thought there was something wrong with me because I had no interest in porn - not evey a Playboy magazine around. It was because I was totally happy with her (too bad that in the end she liked chemicals more than she liked me).

I have a friend with whom I used to travel a lot. He was the opposite of me. Always talking about the women we saw even when his wife was with us. He was a real charmer and when he and I were on the road together he had plenty of opportunities, but never indulged. No matter what he said about other women and how many hours he spent sitting in bars talking them up, his wife satisfied him so completely he never touched any of them.

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I don't exactly agree with this. . . . I have a friend with whom I used to travel a lot. He was the opposite of me. Always talking about the women we saw even when his wife was with us. He was a real charmer and when he and I were on the road together he had plenty of opportunities, but never indulged. No matter what he said about other women and how many hours he spent sitting in bars talking them up, his wife satisfied him so completely he never touched any of them.

Was his wife jealous?

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  • 1 year later...

I would love to read some other perspectives on this subject.

Since my divorce, I've stayed out of the dating scene. I've just started becoming interested in maybe going out. I use to be jealous, but with my last husband, I think it was a combination of how he was, and that I just accepted that if he wanted to cheat, there was nothing I could do to stop him from doing so. I never got the "he's a cheater" vibe. He's many failed things, but being faithful isn't one of them.

So, any updates on jealousy issues, opinions, life-stories? Let's revisit this interesting topic.

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Cheating is such a cowardly thing to do for a man or woman. When some one cheats I wouldn't label what I feel as jealousy, but rather disappointment, anger, fear, and confusion.

Jealousy on the other hand I have frond comes from my sense of lack of self awareness and self fear where I am questioning my sense of self. Usually there is a feeling of a loss of control and some loathing involve with jealousy for me.

Having said all this, I am fortunate that I very seldom have felt jealous. I hope to keep it that way.

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  • 3 years later...
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When my girlfriend and I were getting serious we had a long open honest conversation regarding the dreaded jealously that some feel in open relationships. Since we are no longer married we often share our sex partners and we enjoy this very much. We made a pact that it would be an issue for us, and after a a year or so, we are still going strong. I know who she is fucking and she knows where and who I'm fucking. Makes it easy so we don't have to lie to each other. She is a Nympho and loves sex of all kinds, I too get turned on at how she can get me rock hard and rock my world. She isn't into but a few people who she is comfortable with. She knows I have this older lady that I service every couple of weeks. Just Iike I know she has a regular private stud she services. To us sex is just sex, nothing more than a feel good thing that shouldn't be complicated by bad feelings. 

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