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Kama

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This is going to sound middle-schoolish, but let's say I grew up in an environment where I wasn't taught to say "no" or where my father figure didn't teach me that sexual pressure was wrong.

Do you think it's normal for a non-abusive and nice guy to pressure you into doing something sexual that you don't want to do? I dated a guy that would keep asking me to get naked when I said no, and he said "I'm serious about you honey, but I just want to see you naked!" I told him that I don't think he's serious about me, if he's so concerned about seeing me naked when I clearly said not yet several times. My mom and my friend excused this guy's behavior, and said "Oh, he's just a man." Well, I have a high sex drive too, but why pressure someone? If I'm serious about someone, there will be a time to get intimate in the future. There's no need to get impatient about it or demand it.

I felt as if this guy wasn't behaving nicely and wasn't serious about me, but I hear my mom's and other people's voices in my head saying that "It's not a big deal." Please tell me that what this guy was doing is NOT what most worthwhile men do. I've been kind of isolated lately, so I don't know.

The reason why I didn't want to get intimate with this guy is because my intuition was telling me that he wasn't right for me. I wasn't in the mood to do it with him, b/c he didn't do it for me and I didn't trust him. Yet, he would ask "Why don't you want to get naked," as if I had to justify saying no to him. That didn't make me feel right, and I hope most other men will understand this.

To the outside community, he had a reputation for being a "nice and sweet guy." I knew I had to ditch him.

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i don't think it was a lack of him caring about you or being serious about you so much as him not having been taught that you can whine, push, shove and presure your way into things. My guess is he walked all over his parents, and they let him, and probably did/does the same with his friends. How old is this guy? (sorry guys) but younger men are more apt to do this. The classic pushing the girls head down is something that guys grow out of it, they really do. But you did the right thing, if your not comfortable or feel that he's in it for you and not just your body then saying no is 100% the best thing. Having sex with a guy (or girl) just because he/she wants you to is a) no fun and B) going to skew your vision of sex.

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He's 26 and was about to complete medical school. My mom liked him, b/c he was a soon to be doctor and wanted me to stay with him.

After I dumped him, let's just say he did do and say some things that proved my intuition to be correct. In any case, there were people that were trying to tell me I was being too paranoid or whatever..

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He's 26 and was about to complete medical school. My mom liked him, b/c he was a soon to be doctor and wanted me to stay with him.

After I dumped him, let's just say he did do and say some things that proved my intuition to be correct. In any case, there were people that were trying to tell me I was being too paranoid or whatever..

Depending on the guy 26 may as well be 12! Also, doctors can be douche bags just as much as the trash guy can be! You'd think a doctor is more mature, but if you've seen gray's antomy you know that's not how that goes! lol If he's bad mouthing you or acting out post break up, then he's still pretty much 12. Look take solice in that fact that you did something that most of us can't do, you say the red flags and you reacted accordingly! That's not paranoid in the least, it's pure intelligence!

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Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, there is a reason.

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Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, there is a reason.

Ditto that! I still love your sig! Hahahaha Makes me laugh every time! :lol:

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I think its great that you stuck to your guns on this. Regardless of his being a man, his education or reputation, he is still possibly one of those guys that have gotten away with this or much worse before because of these things. He wants sex, you say no, so he tries the next step below that which is nude, then I would bet on a rape! NEVER allow anyone, friend, family or idiot to influence what you do with your body! (Damned shame that last sentence is just about the same thing as influence)!

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"Hey Beav, Eddie looks looks like a regular guy and junk, but he's really just a big creep."

~thanks Wally

hahahahahaha! another leave to beaver watcher.....hmmm, that didn't sound right

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Depending on the guy 26 may as well be 12! Also, doctors can be douche bags just as much as the trash guy can be! You'd think a doctor is more mature, but if you've seen gray's antomy you know that's not how that goes! lol If he's bad mouthing you or acting out post break up, then he's still pretty much 12. Look take solice in that fact that you did something that most of us can't do, you say the red flags and you reacted accordingly! That's not paranoid in the least, it's pure intelligence!

Suz, I know you know TV isn't real life.... but also,

'The whole shouldn't be held accountable for the actions of one.

*just saying

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yes.

Maybe the guys you have experience with, but definitely not in my world! If you demand better, you will receive better. All the men I've been with have been kind and respectful, with one exception, and I kicked his ass to the curb. I think that, by definition, any man that pressures you is not a "nice guy," and is certainly lacking in manners if nothing else!

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Don't let anyone minimilize your feelings. No means no. Some people just don't get that.

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Suz, I know you know TV isn't real life.... but also,

'The whole shouldn't be help accountable for the actions of one.

*just saying

I'm not saying it is all his fault, however given the information we have recieved he was pressuring her into an uncomfortable situtation and she broke it off, are you saying she asked to be pressured? That some how she's just as at fault as he is?

I realize that TV isn't real life, if it were then we'd all believe doctors are prefect and never make that serious of mistakes. I used gray's as an example becuase that this one show that show just how emotionally messed up doctors can be. Doctors are not the inhuman super heros we tend to think they are.

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Don't let anyone minimilize your feelings. No means no. Some people just don't get that.

Well said.

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You did the right thing and trusted your instincts. Don't ever allow someone to make you doubt your instincts. They are what will keep you safe. And as far as it being normal for a guy to do this no it is not. No guy should ever force you into doing something you do not want to do. If he really cared for you the way he claimed he would have never forced the issue.

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"Hey Beav, Eddie looks looks like a regular guy and junk, but he's really just a big creep."

~thanks Wally

Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night!

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It all boils down to how we feel in the end, and I agree with Synirr....I don't want to attract a guy that pressures me against my will, so I obviously shouldn't waste time "pondering on it" and cut the guy off.

Has anyone read the gift of fear? it's a great book on trusting your instincts and it talks about men who don't take no for an answer or will say "You're such a snob or a prude" (things like that to get you to do stuff).The author (who is a male) says that this is a huge red flag for controlling behavior.

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About dating the doctor..people around me were making a big deal about it saying I was so lucky. I knew I wouldn't be happy in the long-term with this guy. ;) I was attracted to him AT FIRST, but as I got to know him...it just faded.

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. . . He wants sex, you say no, so he tries the next step below that which is nude, then I would bet on a rape! . . .

My thoughts too.

While the answer to "is it normal for a non-abusive and nice guy to pressure you?" may be NO, maybe it is YES for "is it normal for a guy who SEEMS non-abusive and nice to pressure you?"

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  • 3 years later...
  • 3 years later...
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Bumping up this topic for fun. So interesting to see how I've grown. I don't put up with and shut down when someone pressures me. It's a huge turn off. The only struggle is when someone calls you prudish, lesbian and uptight when you say no. Ugh.

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