LoveBitten

Hee~ finally, I get to post something cheerful! ^.^ ... ^^' It's not the lavish tales of ladies having ultimate squirt sessions or getting their dream three-way, but this is special for me. I thought I'd share as a thank for you telling me to keep my chin up during the very long rough patches I've had. My SO has tried oral on me a few times, but was pretty intimidated by my "lady parts." He thought it was the taste, then the smell ... xD apparently, he's a little weirded out by the texture, too. He said it wasn't actually bad, just very different. After a long break from trying, he told me he really wanted to try again, but I was ... admittedly pretty reluctant myself, since you may have noticed--if you saw my previous entry--I've been pretty damn discouraged lately. After some hair removal (my SO is big on smooth, soft, hair-free skin--mainly that of my double D twins, but he's snuggled up to my plushie-esque belly and thighs before,) and a warm up shower, he tried again. It was still awkward at first. I gave him a few extra pointers and he went slow. It felt pretty silly. He licked my bellybutton and did that thing you do with babies when you blow on their bellies and make that funny noise. xD Relieving tension (or killing moods, depending on whether used for good or evil >_>) is kind of a talent of his. It was nice to laugh, I didn't realize how tense I was. =\ He moved lower, started licking around my thighs and the lowest parts of my abdomen. He said it was smooth and really warm. (He always sounds surprised at how warm I am, like it's always the first time feeling it...) I thought this wasn't going to work, because he admitted he felt like he couldn't breathe. It was too warm and he said that it wasn't a cleaning issue, it was just my natural scent that he found very ... overpowering. Not bad, per se, just powerful. I told him he could stop, but he refused, and stayed there, just kind of snuggling against my thigh and kissing me around there. He said he needed to get use to it. I thought it was sweet that he was determined, but I really thought that would be it. However, his hand somehow ended up on my boobs. (xD Yes. "Somehow" it finds its way there very, very frequently. He is most definitely a tits-man. Luckily, I enjoy the attention as much--if not more--than he enjoys giving it.) It didn't really take long to get me aroused when he started playing with them and that's probably due in part to my anticipation. I told him I was getting pretty wet and that it was probably a combination of the two, which he misheard as me -wanting- him to try both at the same time ... which he started doing, because the idea of turning me on got him excited. Really, really excited. ("The circus is in town~~") I can't tell you exactly what happened afterwards, since my brain was reduced to a happy gooey melted mush, but ... wow. He catches on quick. Mind you, I didn't actually orgasm from it just yet. He still needs some time to practice and get use to it, but it still felt fan-fucking-tastic. And he told me something I suspected this whole time: "When I heard those sexy sounds you made, I forgot all about everything else, I just wanted to keep going." ... You know, I feel lucky to have a lover who is really excited (in more ways than one) about pleasing me and seeing me happy. I really love him and I'm glad to know that we can both enjoy being intimate like that. I'm also a bit stunned at how sensitive I was. Fingers do ... very little, if anything, to me. But, holy hell, his tongue ... just feels awesome. I have renewed hopes for the future!

Stressed out...? I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't under some kind of stress, actually--but if that's my problem, then I have to question why my first orgasm was during college. I was stressed out of my mind. Fooling around, trying out toys, stuff like that ... it was an excuse to just forget about school for a while. Let off steam, unwind. It felt good, but the orgasm thing was more a happy accident. I thought I understood what I was doing -already-. And then it happened. And it felt awesome. And I really wanted to have another one, so I tried, and it didn't work. I figured "oh, maybe my body needs a break. I'll try again another day." ... And "I'll try again another day" is what I've been saying for years now. Work does upset me, yes. I have difficult co-workers, I deal with life and death situations constantly, I work graveyard shift frequently ... but this wasn't always the case, so I tend to see it as irrelevant, because even before I had this job, I wasn't able to "enjoy" myself. Sleeping naked is a default for me. I'm hot-blooded, but I -adore- plush comforters and silky sheets, so I can either burn up in bed, or sleep nude and turn on a fan. I'll take the latter every time. I don't just sleep naked either. I use to be horribly uncomfortable with my body and I had extremely poor self-esteem. I'm still not completely comfortable in my body, and I don't like it very much, but I've gotten much better. To the point where I can happily strut about my apartment with my lover there and be naked and just... not care. I'm not worried, he thinks I'm sexy, and I think I'm ... well, there are things I like about myself, anyway. I have my own place, so I don't worry about people walking in, as the only person who can and would is the only person I don't mind seeing me naked on a regular basis. As for meditating ... my thoughts are extremely active, so I've never been very good at that. I do a lot of things to help myself unwind, though, and they work ... and I've tried unwinding before a session, and it -helps-, but it doesn't significantly change things. Thank you for your well wishing, it's appreciated.

Parts of it are nice, for a while ... other parts are sometimes awkward (he still tries really hard, and I think he blames himself for me not being able to get off, which is a concern I've tried to dispel), and somewhat uncomfortable. But ... *sigh* you're not asking if I find it "pleasant," you're asking if I derive pleasure from it. I get ... some physical pleasure out of the experience. It's usually brief. Mainly, though ... you understand the concept of living vicariously through someone, don't you? If your partner is really, really happy, (I'd go as far as "euphoric" on my better days, I may not be able to pleasure -myself- to that point, but I do take pride in being able to say that I am a damn good lover when I want to be) then it's... still pleasurable, right? Just in a different sort of way. A confidence boost, a bonding experience, an excuse to be physically close and naked, an opportunity to make my lover happy, a pleasant way to kill a couple hours (or 15 minutes, depends) ...it's all of those things--but that still isn't quite what I hoped for. I don't dislike it, I just ... wish, sometimes, that I could feel how he feels.

I... haven't had an "off day," though. This has been going on for years. It happened once, which boosted my confidence, made me think "oh, so I've finally figured this thing out, this is awesome" ... and then it just never happened again. Currently? No. Was I during most of the time I was having this problem? No. My doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication for chronic insomnia, which I've had since I was a child and finally decided to address. Yes, some medications can cause sexual problems, but you have to understand... that was a recent change. My issues with orgasms? Not a recent change. It's... kind of irrelevant. ... I can't cum at -all-, period. The one time I -ever have-, which was years ago, was via masterbation. Yes. But I've tried for years now to recreate that experience and I have not been able to. I have tried a -lot- of different methods. Yes, I -always- use lube. No. I have a supreme distaste for vaginal penetration, to be perfectly frank with you. Other stimulation is far more pleasant. As I've said, I've had an orgasm before. Pretty sure I'd know if I had one again. Hasn't happened. ... Lastly, I haven't asked my doctor, for two reasons: One, I'm in the medical field and that makes me a bit stubborn. Two, my doctor has very traditional values and, while I'm fine with talking to her about things like yeast infections, pap smears, even birth control ... the finer details of my sex life would be an uncomfortable topic. I wouldn't mind talking to a professional, I'd just like to find one I'm comfortable with, and so far, I haven't.

It's been years since my first and only orgasm. A event I have tried, ever since it happened, to recreate... even just once more. I give up. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of working as hard as I have for little or nothing at all. I can't remember what it was like... I know it felt good, but the memory is so distant, I'm almost beginning to wonder if maybe it was a college stress induced dream... I'm tired of wearing out my fingers or arm, or buying dozens of different kinds toys, I'm tired of trying to convince my fiance to try different techniques, I'm tired of the disappointment and the tears afterwords, tears I've started hiding from him again because, fuck, I just don't want to deal with the guilt it gives him on top of everything else. I'm tired of thinking "well, maybe this time..." I'm tired of telling myself -not- to think about it, to just let it happen. "You're trying too hard, just enjoy the ride" ... yes, I've heard it before, I've told myself that. It's not helping. Even if I just relax and let go, nothing happens. After weeks of that, of not thinking about it at all, just focusing on being in the moment... I suddenly realized, "It still never happened... I never got there. I've watched him do it over and over, but I still haven't gotten there, even once." That's happened a few times now, where I've put the thought out of my mind for a really long while, hoping that letting go would work out. It never does. I'm also tired of trying to get him wait or slow down for something that isn't coming. (Or... someone that isn't cumming, I guess. *weak smile*) I feel guilty doing that and guilt will never help me. "You're trying too often. Take a break." I have. Isn't a month at a time enough? Isn't going...at least weeks, maybe longer, -without- counting the time, refusing to give it thought, without touching myself or even him enough of a break? We were separated for a long time. Reconnecting didn't change anything. Felt... nice, but nothing happened. "Maybe you just don't know yourself enough, explore." ... But I have. As I said, I've tried a lot of things. Not just physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I've realized the fact that I have depression and anxiety, so I've seen a therapist for months now. It's helped, somewhat, I've even basically gotten over my negative self-image from my teen years. I thought maybe, with the changes I've made in my life, this area of it might finally change, too. There was a point when I thought it had. A self-session where I got so worked up I almost fainted... and as "intense" as it was, I still can't get there. I know, I'm still in my twenties, giving up on this sort of pleasure when people are still having it in their 80s these days... well, I'm envious, and I know giving up after only a few years may seem stupid of me...but I don't know what else to do. =\ I don't want to try anymore, or care anymore. It seems like a waste of time. Of energy. Of emotion. Thank you, everyone, for the advice you've given me in the past... I really am grateful, but I can't keep doing this. I really do want that bonding experience of experiencing mutual pleasure with the one I love, I'm sure it's... really great, but if I can't have it... maybe if I can just stop caring, it won't bother me anymore. I'd rather not let whatever is stopping me make us both miserable. The idea of sex becoming more a labor of love than a mutual pleasure is not an enjoyable thought because it seems wrong. However, it's not as depressing as the idea that, if I keep caring, I'll eventually truly resent him for his own happiness. At least if pleasing my partner is my goal, I'll have that satisfaction. Then, anything I get out of it on a more personal level would be more a pleasant surprise than something I expect to have or feel I deserve, so I won't be disappointed anymore... And I apologize for posting something so depressing. I don't mean to dampen anyone else's enthusiasm or disturb a good day you may be having. I just felt it might help me to express this to someone. Getting it out in the open, rather than keeping it bottled up, will make it easier to come to terms with.

Hey, it's been a while... for those of you who followed my previous posts, thanks for all your advice and such. If you wanted an update or to be brought up to speed in general, well... *sigh* last october during our close together birthdays we had a long, lovely visit we had together, which included a night at a wonderful restuarant, then in a fancy hotel with a luxurious bed and large jacuzzi tub in the room and sexy costume & lingerie for me... and a... very well meant, but very poorly executed first attempt at me trying anal stuff on him. He wasn't able to relax, which got me worried, so I wasn't relaxed... xD he said all it did was make him feel like he needed to use the restroom... yeah. Not... exactly the evening I'd hoped for. We cuddled in the tub, then in the bed, and he said it was still a really great birthday. ...Then in november, we started fighting, because he kept flirting with a friend of his in front of me, and I knew they were just playing around, but it annoyed the hell out of me, and I blew up at him. More than once. Especially when he kept singing her praises to me. ...In December, he told me he didn't love me anymore, that he just cared for me as a friend, and that he wanted to date other women because he'd come attracted to them. He felt that, if he was attracted to them, it meant we were not meant to be. I was stunned, sorrowful, devastated, PISSED, devestated, and then indignant. I called him out on it, saying that if he couldn't reign in his wandering eyes, it was not MY FAULT. If he wanted to break up with me after two years of passion, fine, but it was a pretty crappy of him just because he happened to think "Ooh, she's cute..." about someone else. He...surprisingly agreed with me. After listening to everything I had to say, he broke down in tears and apologized for hurting me. I didn't accept him back right away, though, we were both emotional and tired and nostalgic about our time together. It wasn't a good time to make a decision. We spent a few really awkward weeks talking through our issues for hours, hanging out as friends, flirting now and then. We got back together before Valentine's day. Last month, we had another visit, and found that there's just as much sexual chemistry between us as there ever was, and he's still madly in love with me... ... just like I always believed he was. However, I'm... still scared. I trusted him pretty deeply. I communicated honestly and openly with him. I put my heart and soul into the things I do for him. I'm not bragging, I really have been -very- selfless in our relationship. And that's not a complaint! It makes me happy. But to have shown him so much love, so much of me, and let him get so deep into my heart, and to know he could and DID walk away, and say I was nothing more than a friend, to tell -other people- I was nothing more than a friend, and to start chasing other girls, briefly though it was... it really broke me. So I'm still dealing with that. We've been together a total of 2 and a half years, now, though. Also, I've made suggestions, but... he's still not really that interested. Hasn't tried oral on me, (in spite of countless bjs he's gotten from me, and he admits to feeling he -really- owes me,) is incredibly squeamish about the offers -I've- made for him to try any anal stuff on me... (well, I've offered one thing. xD I'd... like to know what it feels like for him to be in there, and I already know I can handle it...) his response was "can't we just, I dunno, use a toy there or something?" ... .... So, now he's finally more open to toys. Great! ... Except I... did not want to use them as excuse -not- to have that kind of physical intimacy, just to enhance it. >.>; But at least he's fine with me using them during our playtime. Only... he still feels guilty about it. Because he'd rather... do it himself... xD Yeah... I dunno, it seems like backwards logic when I'm -asking- him to do something -without- toys and he's trying to get out of it, but would rather not have them if we can do it without them, which we -could- if he would allow it. xD So I'm... frustrated. In all senses of the word. Still haven't had another orgasm in about a year and a half, which would maintain my lifetime count at exactly: 1. ...He's also mentioned, more than once, that he's into seeing two girls have a go at each other and wouldn't mind if I did that around him. -.-' I... do not know what to feel about that. A few thoughts come to mind at once. The part of me that just gets its kicks from pleasuring him is almost interested, but... it's kind of willing to jump at -anything- that would turn him on or make a climax better. (That would be the part of me that gives great bjs. xD So long as every other part of me shuts up, I'm... quite effective.) The part of me that would like to -be- pleased has already thought, "well, hell, if I -found- a girl who'd agree, maybe -she- would be willing to do the things on me that he hasn't..." the jealous / insecure / emotionally wounded side of me remembers the time I mentioned a girl hitting on me and he asked "was she hot?" ... and is kind of pissed at the idea that he'd want more eye candy in bed. And the rest of me continues to stamp its foot and irritably remind me that I am -not lesbian- or bi. I'm open minded and I was once bi-curious, so it wouldn't -bother- me. Pleasure is pleasure, but I'm not into women and I am... kind of a possessive person. Not so much that our long-distance relationship ever worried me until he started OPENLY flirting with other women in front of me... (and two years is a long time to trust someone implicitly) but enough that I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable in a three-way relationship. And even if she was a one-night stand...I'm not into casual sex. Even if the third party is just there to make it kinky. ...So, yeah. It... kinda sucks being me sometimes. ^^;

xD haaa... I love these....

Working as a nurse means roughly half the conversations between me and my co-workers sounds dirty, especially out of context, (and some times very much so in context,) if not much more than that. xD We have some pretty sick senses of humor, but you kind of need one to get through some of the stuff we do each day. Sadly, no, I can't think of anything specific to share, but I'll see if I can remember for next time.

Awesome~ Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback from a guy who's been there. I'm trying to put myself in his place, thinking about all this, but an -actual- guy's advice was what I was really hoping for. ... I'm also, admittedly, feeling a tad more hopeful since you mentioned the activity my circles refer to as "pegging" ... >///> I'll admit it, that idea secretly really appeals to me. But I can't bring myself to even mention that yet, I don't wanna scare him off, lol. But...well, hopefully, if this works out? He might warm up to the idea. A variety, huh? Yeah... the beads vibrate, (which, I personally love,) but I think you're right, maybe looking for one more additional, non-vibro-toy would be wise, in case it's too much or just not his thing. Finger rammer? *blink* I've actually never heard of that before. xD He's an -exceptionally- picky eater, but I will definitely advocate co-showering. <3 Good tips. That reminds me, I should probably buy some more lube. (xD Well, even I don't tend to care about color provided it's functional, but... I just want to steer as far away from that whole, "does this make me gay?" thing as possible. Hopefully, though, it won't matter.) So... really? Not only are you comfortable, but it's something you're even -proud- of now? ^^ That's the part that makes me feel kinda hopeful, hehe. Thanks once again, your post made my day. (And possibly several days to come. )

My boyfriend was really squeamish about the idea of anal play. I understand why. He was paranoid about being bisexual in his teen years, which was something he was kind of scared of admitting to me. (I told him before that I don't give a damn, even if he was, or is. We're together, he loves and wants me, so who cares? xD "So, you'd probably still love me even if I was a dude. Cool." Did not say that, but I thought it.) Later in our relationship, I brought up the fact that so many, many, MANY guys love anal stimulation. After a lot of coaxing, he finally said, "you know, if you wanted to... do some of that... I'd be up for it." (Which, from his tone and the look in his eye, he meant "I really do want to, but seriously, please don't make me say that out loud.") But, um, as thrilled as I was... I am at a loss. I've read about how to do it on someone else, I get that this will be trial and error, but... I am not sure how effective fingers would be. And realistic or not, I want to "get it right" the first time so he won't get the urge to bail on the idea because I -know- this could be a great experience for him. About fingering? Am... I weird for wanting to use latex gloves? (xD It'd be fitting, though, I'll admit. He has mentioned that my job as a nurse brought to mind some interesting fantasies.) Anyone here know if that would feel weird? Worse / better? And, well, rimming is a no-no. For many reasons. However, the bottom line (pun not intended) is this... I want advice on an anal toy. I know about all the different types from my own play time, of course. But I didn't exactly start off in a conventional way. >_> And I want to find something that isn't going to freak him out, you know? That's why I mentioned the "fear of being bi" thing. I get the distinct impression that if I come at him with anything shaped... realistically, he will -panic-. On the other hand, accepting toys as a whole is new to him, too, and he's a virgin in this area, so anything complicated or too big is a bad idea, too. I... was leaning towards the "bead sticks"? (Pulse flirtation stick, to be precise. I realize it's pink, but hell, he likes pink. xD Or, well, he likes my pink lingerie, haha.) It's small, flexible, powerful enough to be interesting, texturally nice, not overwhelming...? But I know that while it IS built for anal, it is -not- built specifically for prostate stimulation. It's just, most p-spot toys are kind of intimidating. So, the beads: Is this a good idea? Bad idea? Suggestions on toys? Comments? Instruction or techniques? I'll take anything. His birthday is this month and... I've got some plans, and I'd like for this new experience to be part of them, I just -really- want to make him as comfortable and at ease as possible.

Add another to the list. And I don't particularly care what method is required provided I can reduce my partner to a happy, orgasm-high (very vocal, damn, I love that about him... <3) puddle of man-goo. What can I say? It's addicting, the praise, the satisfaction of success, the ecstasy in your lover's voice, the beautiful smile on their face or glazed, hungry, passionate look in their eyes. Absolutely gorgeous. I'm kind of evil about it, though. I enjoy teasing a lot before hand... makes the pay-off that much more fun, though. My boyfriend expressed his "frustrations" with that side of me one night. (I couldn't help reveling in how breathless he was when he said it, or the fact that it was one of those rare times he talked dirty to me, heh.) My response to his accusation: a cheeky grin and... "But I always make it worth it, don't I?" "Yeah, you do." So. Yes. I'm a freak, too. And damn proud of it.

Sorry, I've never uploaded here, so I honestly don't know... but I would still like to thank you for your service to our country. I have quite a few friends who have served and I have always admired their bravery and sense of duty to their country and its citizens.

Ewwwww. "Fermenting." What a mental image. xD Effective. Thank you for your input. And yeah, I will continue to practice good hygiene, but doubly so if we end up getting an opportunity to try this again...

I know, I was kind of kidding...

Ah. Well... good for you. I'm sure your partner is very appreciative of that fact.