Anathema Device

I think there's a pretty good chance I won't be meeting "new friend" Shoop! I'd want to throttle her! And yes, I'm biased, because I always got a weird vibe from your ex (as we discussed in email) and I like your current SO. But at the same time, I don't think I was trying to push you into anything when it came to your ex either. Not until I heard what a colossal prat he was, anyways.

You already know how I feel about this. The friend is not being a good friend by doing this to you. Your ex is a tool who doesn't know a good thing when he has it. You are in a much better place now. I think the only thing that you are truly unhappy about right now is missing that "ideal" family life. But that ideal life wasn't so ideal when you were there. You want what the little girl dream says you should have had - not what you DID have with him. Does that make sense? I think every mom who gets divorced feels that way sometimes. I do. But that doesn't mean that going back to what was an abusive relationship (and it was emotionally abusive) is the answer. Ignore her.

Very good points, Taiyo Ame! And yes, I suppose part of it is just needing to vent. Marriage has been ruled out - on both of our parts. Not because we're not committed, but because both of us have been there done that. We're not religious, will not have any more children, and don't see the point of the government piece of paper (especially because in Canada, once you live together for 2 years you are considered legally common law - which is the same here for all legal purposes). However, he would move in with me immediately. As far as we're concerned, we'd have the same level of commitment as being married - we just don't particularly want to do the marriage thing. Make sense? We're balancing our need for proximity and our need to be realistic in regards to bills, money, and both of our children. So is proximity number one on top of the list to the exclusion of everything else? Nope. It can't be. We both have too many other responsibilities for that. Is it important? Very much so.

Tyger - great points! The "country lines" thing is totally fine. In fact, his ex knows that this is the long term plan and has no problems with it. It's even written into their custody agreement that either of them can leave the state/country and the actual custody agreement is written out so it accounts for that. I agree with you about the talk with his boss. In fact, I said that very thing to him a couple months ago, that I didn't think he was being taken seriously because he's off-handedly talk about moving to Canada for so long. He sat down and had a talk with him and explained how important it is to him (at my suggestion). His boss was sympathetic (I've been to his house and met him on several occasions, so that likely helped), but unfortunately my SO didn't know that his boss had just come out of a meeting where they decided on lay offs (which were announced the next week). So...timing was horrible. And that's essentially what his boss says - that he can't go to bat for him with the VP when they're in the middle of layoffs. Fair enough. Hopefully things will stabilize soon. I still am "clingy", but it's definitely morphed because of the nature of our relationship. I take our phone "dates" very seriously, and he understands that, so he is really good about keeping me in the loop if he'll be late. It's taken some change on my part and his, and largely, we succeed. Thanks for the post - some good advice there.

Edited for embarrassment? Silly girl! No need to be embarrassed!

He works in at the corporate level of a major IT firm and makes good money (and, as a result, has a child support payment that is equal to more than half of my take-home pay per month). Because Detroit isn't a big IT city, the industry jobs here pay substantially less - he applied for jobs that pay $20-25k a year less. And he was told that he was overqualified for all of them. True, but frustrating. He has really amazing skills and is a leader in his company - but his skills are very specialized. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but... Him working remotely is the best option. The other option - changing jobs within the company and working out of a field office in Detroit - is also a possibility. But they've had a hiring freeze at that office for almost two years because their main clients out here are the auto industry. I'm going to hope that his boss's friendship with him will eventually cause him to let him work remotely. Or that they open up the hiring out here. I am relieved to hear that people don't think I'm insane for sticking with it.

The plan has always been that he could end up working in the US (I live close to the border) and that I would move to where he was so my commute would be longer. That's not a problem at all. Alas, the nearest major city is Detroit - and they're taking a HUGE hit with the auto industry. Our best bet is him convincing his boss to let him do his job remotely... he just has to be careful about pushing for it.

Thanks, all. It's nice to have someone to mull this over with. I have no interest in leaving him - I just sometimes wonder if I'm totally crazy for believing that it will eventually work out. That's why I wanted to talk to someone different - everyone I know in real life has been hearing about this for 3 years, and I think they're done! Moving there doesn't work for a number of reasons. My ex and I have a good relationship - this works well for my son, and I couldn't take him away from his dad. He'd fight me on it as well (understandably!). There's other less important reasons - teaching here makes way more money, has a good pension, etc. I'm close to my parents who live here. My boyfriend's family lives across the country and he has no ties where he lives except his son. It really does make more sense for him to come this way. I also don't think he'd want me to come that way - his ex moved there because he got a job there, and always resented him for it. He's said that he couldn't have me do the same because he'd always worry that the same thing would happen. So they're side reasons, but certainly things to consider. And immigration here shouldn't be a problem - he meets the "points" without an issue, providing he has a job when he moves. It's just so hard to be patient.

This is something I've been wanting to talk about for quite awhile, but wasn't sure where to do it. I'm not a very regular poster here, but I know that the posters here give honest advice, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm in a long distance relationship, and have been for just over three years. We knew each other before that, but I think it's unnecessary backstory. He lives just over 12 hours away. He lives in the US, and I live in Canada. We talk on the phone every single night (I honestly can't remember a day where we haven't spoken on the phone...I think there have been one or two, but it's a very rare occurrence). We see each other every other weekend, driving 6 hours each to meet at the "halfway point". At Christmas, I spend a week with him. In the summer, I spend two weeks at his place, then two weeks here, then two at his place, and two here (I'm a teacher). We miss maybe 2 of our "every other weekend" visits a year for strange reasons - illness, weird work situations - but that is also rare. We set up our "agreement" about phone conversations early on. In our opinions, we are a committed couple, and just as if we were living together, if one of us can't make our usual phone time, we let the other know. Both of us have 7 year old sons. They were actually born a couple of weeks apart. I have half time custody of my son. He only sees his son every other weekend (which is how we manage the every other weekend visits - it's the time when we don't have the kids). I've spent time with his son, and he's spent time with mine. We took a "family" vacation last summer for a week with both boys. When we got together, his exwife was planning on moving back across the country to her hometown, and so the agreement was always that he would see his son on holidays only and that they'd fly him back and forth so he could still see his dad. She made the decision to stay where she is and has recently married, so he still gets to see his son. The agreement has always been that he would move here so we could be together. That decision was made for a lot of reasons - custody arrangements being a big part of that, obviously. So it's been just over three years, and there have been a lot of "deadlines" set around when he could be here. Obviously, they haven't happened for various reasons. Good reasons, but that doesn't always help emotionally. I tend to be clingy in relationships. The fact that I've been in a LDR for as long as I have is shocking to me - I never thought I would have been able to do this. But the truth is that he is absolutely perfect for me. I cannot imagine being with anyone else. While I'll glance at the occasional "eye candy", the thought of being with anyone else - of finding anyone else who is as compatible with me as he is - seems ridiculous. I just can't imagine it. He is my best friend, and I share everything with him. While he's not nearly as open as me (I am an open book, and he's the opposite) he shares a LOT with me and I know that he is more open with me than he ever has been in relationships in the past. We know each other SO well. We share the same values, interests, and sense of humour, and respect the differences that we do have. And the sex is mind-blowing. I am ecstatic when I see him. It took a LONG time before I realized that we had exited that "euphoria" stage of a new relationship, because we have such a strong connection. While we've had the occasional disagreement when we're together, they're minor and rare. Before anyone brings up the "Vacationship" idea - yes, it's true that often we're together with no other responsibilities. But I've spent weeks there when he had to work each day, and we've done things together with the kids. I really feel we're way past the casual dating stage (and he agrees). Everything - and I do mean everything - about this relationship is perfect. Except for geography. I desperately want him here. He says he desperately wants to be here. He was hoping to find a new job here and relocate - but with the economy being what it is, that's not looking like an option. He could do his job "remotely", doing exactly what he does now for the same company and boss but from home (as in here!) - but his boss hates the idea. He keeps saying that he'll consider it...but he never really does. And there have been layoffs in the company, so he can only push so hard. I know I'm lucky - I talk to him every night, and we see each other every other weekend. As far as LDRs go, it could be much, much worse. But I'm starting to get so upset and resentful that I don't have him here. As I said, I'm clingy. I'm jealous. I've started to wonder if there's some other reason why he's not here yet. He insists there isn't, and quite honestly, I believe him. But it's all academic - when I'm sad that he's not here, all of that rationale though flies out the window. He feels horribly guilty about the fact that he's not here yet, and because we've talked about it so many times, now it's the one thing that I don't talk to him about. I tell him I miss him - but I try not to ask questions about when, or if there's any possibility - it's just too upsetting for both of us. When one of us has a bad day, it's really hard not to be there. He was really sick a few weeks ago, and not being there to help him was awful (hmmm...that's another facet - he has a chronic health condition which is in remission, but almost killed him a few years ago... while he's in really good health, there's always that worry, too...) When those things happen - when we really need a partner - just someone to be there - it's hardest. Social events and holidays and birthdays are also really hard for me. I find it's just one big reminder of the fact that he's not here. Lately, I've started to wonder if being ecstatic every other weekend is worth being miserable the rest of the time because I don't have a partner that can be here. I don't want to lose him - I can't even imagine it. But it's been a long time, and it's really hard. I've considered an ultimatum (as in, if you can't be here by X date then it has to be over) but I can't do it - because I'm afraid of having to actually go through it. Plus, that's just mean- he IS trying. Would you stay in this relationship? It's the best relationship I've ever been in - and it feels incredibly healthy and RIGHT...except for the damn geography. Suggestions? Advice? Words of wisdom? Success stories? Help!

The other thing to consider is a lot of foreplay that won't get him off. There are a gazillion ways he can satisfy you, have fun, and delay orgasm. My SO has a shortish trigger when we have actual intercourse, but we can PLAY for several hours, which is even more satisfying for both of us! It's not all about me - I give him oral, I use my hands, and I'll take him inside me for little "teases", but nothing that will take him over the top.

sunflower - Oh good! I'm glad I got my point across - it's difficult to explain! Synirr - thank you for that. SG are definitely my SO's type. And I see why - they're attractive girls, and they don't LOOK fake. (He's not into fake boobs or twig-skinny...thankfully, since I SOOO don't fit the bill!) But it's nice to hear that they, too, are subject to airbrushing to look THAT good!

My SO likes using it on me during foreplay and during oral. I like it when he uses it on me when I'm giving him oral. It's just one more added tool in the box! I thin, for him, it's a combination of "watching" something else get me off (even if he is ultimately the one controlling it) in a no-risk scenario (ie. not another man in the bed!). For me, it's just another stimulation, and the more the better! He jokes that he needs to be exposed to more carcinogens so he could grow a few tentacles. Tee hee. Vibrators are different - I can be tricky, depending on the time of month, my mood, the alignment of the stars so a vibrator is a "sure thing", and saves his (and my!) poor hands when it becomes evident that it will be a long time in coming and it has to be very, very specific for things to work!

When I have dreams about sex (frequently!), I NEVER orgasm in my dream. Ever. My dreams end up being frustrating, because in the dream I can't O, no matter what I do. But I wake up completely turned on and then can easily take care of things. Maybe if you orgasm in a dream, you actually do orgasm for real - and since I can't seem to O in a dream, I don't really either??

Oh - I don't mean that he NEEDS porn to get aroused. That's certainly not the case! What i'd love, in a perfect world, is if nothing else could even make him LOOK - not a gorgeous woman on the street, or porn, or anything. That ISN'T possible - that's not the way men are wired! And I get that! I'm talking ideal fantasy world when I say that! It's not frequency or amount. Not even a little. I couldn't say for sure how often he uses it - certainly not when I'm around, even for weeks at a time. So it's not that I feel he using it INSTEAD of me. We have talked about it. He knows that it bothers me to an extent, and he knows that I wishes it didn't. I've never asked him to purge his magazine collection or get rid of any porn - and I won't do that. Partially because I don't think that's fair (it's honestly not hurting me, and I know that the insecurity is my own, and it's certainly not like he has an addiction) and partially because I don't think he actually WOULD do it. I'm not into ultimatums, anyways, because I don't think they're fair. And to be perfectly honest, he lives 12 hours away, so it'd be easy enough for him to say, "Yes, dear" but not do it. I don't think putting him in a position to lie about it is healthy either. He has tried to reassure me - and he does a reasonably good job of it. I know that he frequently "uses" photos of me (which I wholeheartedly endorse!). He tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am, and how much he wants me, and he shows me that. Again, it's about my insecurity and trying to get over that. Academically, I'm ok with his use of pictures/porn. I'm trying to reassure myself that it's not about him not being happy or satisfied with me - that that is not what the pictures are about. I'm not trying to change him (I've been down that road - trying to change a man is NOT healthy!). I'm trying to change ME so I'm more settled and secure with it.

Suzy, He has quite the collection of pics I've taken for him (and that I've had taken by a pro. photographer). And he appreciates them quite a bit. I don't think I've had any ex's who have made porn a problem for me - I think it's all just self-esteem and insecurity. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now. I lost a tonne of weight after my son was both (both the pregnancy and lots of weight that was around long before my pregnancy). As a result, I'm a lot more confident than I used to be, but still very self-conscious about a lot of things. I think the blame is all mine - not that someone treated me badly. chloegirl, I'm 32 (married and divorced, with lots of sexual experience) - young enough, but not "very" young, I guess. Your second paragraph makes sense to me. Not sure if I can internalize it, but it does make sense. I've actually gotten BETTER (believe it or not!) about my feelings about porn - it's just something that I continue to struggle with. I think I just need to get it through my head that I AM "good enough" for him. He's perfect for me, and I'm still shocked over 3 years into the relationship that I've managed to find him and that he wants me. He lives 12 hours from me, so the fact that we're still together and going strong does mean a whole lot - it's not like it's a relationship of convenience!