Smile4Me

Hey guys, I realize this there are other sites better suited for questions like this, but frankly I've always appreciated how kind and open-minded people are here, which I can't say for other (supposedly) Mommy-friendly forums I've visited. I'm 9 months post-partum with my first child, and my sex drive is non-existent. It's been 4 months since DH and I have had sex. And I don't even know where to start. I feel awful about it, but I also don't want to have sex unless I'm truly into it with him. At the end of the day when baby finally goes down, I feel exhausted. Sex is the last thing on my mind. Am I just adjusting to motherhood? I do breastfeed. Could that be a culprit? DH has been patient with me, but it's growing thin and I really want to reconnect again. Would love some input from other mothers.

Thank you for the input, Tyger. Oh believe me, I have no trouble with the polite suggestions on where & how I like it, we're both quite experienced sexually and understand communication is necessary, lol. I've just never really taken the time to research and look for something more obliging for fun with the hubby. I know myself quite well, but translating that into something useable for hubby without losing finesse (lol) can be a bit arduous at times. I can't climax without some sort of consistent external stimulation (well, I guess it's possible, but it's never happened before) and it's the combination of that with penetration that gives me the most mind-blowing O, and well...maybe that's a bit intimidating for some men, my husband included, so I want something that we can have fun with together, and not feel like it's in the way or have him feel like this bizarre shaped bent penis-like object is making up for his limitations, LOL! I have been looking at the bullets/eggs a lot...and I'm guessing they are all pretty much the same??? I just want power and discretion...those are my two biggest requirements (so to speak). Don't want my f'n toy drowning out my hubby's moans of delight, LOL! )

Sorry about the multiple postings guys. The site went a little batty right as I was submitting. I'm not sure how to delete the others, I'm assuming moderators have to do so?

Hey guys, Alright so I'm still kind of a novice when it comes to toys...there are simply too many to choose from, lol. I have two, one of those rather large glass ones that's better used as a decorative sculpture for the sexually liberated than it is for anything sex-related. And then I have Old Faithful, the Slimline G-spot vibe, which I LOVE. It's really powerful, and great for "alone time", but not so much as a marital aid as it's kind of awkward for clit play w/ hubby, and MAN is it ever loud! LOL I'm so paranoid that the girl that rents out our upstairs can hear it! Hahaha it's really that loud! So, I'm looking for something special that isn't distracting and well, in the way, but that is still powerful enough to give me the clitoral stimulation I want! Any recommendations? I've went through so many pages of toys and read so many reviews that I have no clue which ones to even consider!

Hey guys, Alright so I'm still kind of a novice when it comes to toys...there are simply too many to choose from, lol. I have two, one of those rather large glass ones that's better used as a decorative sculpture for the sexually liberated than it is for anything sex-related. And then I have Old Faithful, the Slimline G-spot vibe, which I LOVE. It's really powerful, and great for "alone time", but not so much as a marital aid as it's kind of awkward for clit play w/ hubby, and MAN is it ever loud! LOL I'm so paranoid that the girl that rents out our upstairs can hear it! Hahaha it's really that loud! So, I'm looking for something special that isn't distracting and well, in the way, but that is still powerful enough to give me the clitoral stimulation I want! Any recommendations? I've went through so many pages of toys and read so many reviews that I have no clue which ones to even consider!

Hey guys, Alright so I'm still kind of a novice when it comes to toys...there are simply too many to choose from, lol. I have two, one of those rather large glass ones that's better used as a decorative sculpture for the sexually liberated than it is for anything sex-related. And then I have Old Faithful, the Slimline G-spot vibe, which I LOVE. It's really powerful, and great for "alone time", but not so much as a marital aid as it's kind of awkward for clit play w/ hubby, and MAN is it ever loud! LOL I'm so paranoid that the girl that rents out our upstairs can hear it! Hahaha it's really that loud! So, I'm looking for something special that isn't distracting and well, in the way, but that is still powerful enough to give me the clitoral stimulation I want! Any recommendations? I've went through so many pages of toys and read so many reviews that I have no clue which ones to even consider!

Good to be back to the forums on TooTimid! I've missed it! Alright, I guess I'll just cut right to the chase. There are a lot of moving parts to this, so I apologize ahead of time! LOL. My hubby and I have an amazing emotional relationship with each other. We adore, respect, and admire one another and share a deep, loving connection with each other. We're like best friends. BUT- I've always been a bit displeased with our sexual relationship. We got married young, and were both very open-minded right from the start. We had our first 3-some at 19, 4 months after we married...and later became "Swingers", meeting other couples for fun times. We've been in and out of that kind of lifestyle ever since. Early on, it was very enriching, and seemed to really spice up our sex life, but after a while, even that didn't work anymore. I've always felt alienated by him sexually, as he has never been terribly enthusiastic about sex with me. For a while, he would turn me away every time I came onto him. I talked to him until I was blue in the face about how I felt, and he swore up and down that it wasn't me, that he wasn't as interested in sex as I was. After a while I thought maybe I was just overzealous, but I never thought my expectations were too high. Once or twice a week? C'mon. If I thought it was bad then, it would only get worse over time. Nowadays we have sex maybe once or twice a month. It's been over the past year that I resolved to no longer concern myself with the negative bullshit...on the fact that our sex life sucks, for whatever deep-seeded underlying reason there must be for it and adopted a mind over matter attitude, focusing on the positive aspects of our marriage. It seemed to help us sexually, to a limited extent, but now there's a new problem. He just doesn't do it for me sexually anymore...not at ALL. It's no longer just him, like it used to be. It's me, too, now. He doesn't turn me on, no matter what he does. I feel attracted to him, and that's where it ends. He never even tries to make me climax, and it'd probably be a lost cause even if he did. I keep racking my brain about why this could be...if I'm just sexually jaded about the past and that subconsciously destroyed my sexual interest in him. I want to be with him so much, but then when we are finally in bed together...I feel empty and would rather fantasize about other men or women with my vibe than participate. I really have no clue what to do about this. I've had amazing encounters with other men...passionate, crazy, and wild...and I want to have that with him more than anyone else. This is literally the only negative aspect of our marriage. I've always been able to separate love from sex and just have casual sex...but I simply can't take the sex out of love. It'd be a little more manageable for me if I was actually being "enriched" by the swinging, but he controls that to a point where I can't get anything from it. He wants a 3some with a woman, he gets it. He wants a certain kind of girl, he gets it. Everything I want always seems to be a NO-GO for him. I told him I wanted to have a MFM threesome, and he isn't down for that. I told him I wanted to be with a girl alone, and he just isn't down for that either. He even micromanages the people I'm allowed to be attracted to...like if the man is "too physically attractive" or we hit it off "too well", he'll find a reason for us to no longer see that couple. I'm just really at a loss about what to do about all of it. We tried taking out the "extra curriculars" all together for about a year, and that's when I found that not only did he still seem uninterested in me, but I found he didn't do it for me anymore either. W.T.F.! lol I mean really, I feel like we have the most bizarre marriage, ever! I know this is a lot to throw at you guys, but any helpful words are appreciated! What do you think?

I think people get far too hung up on labels when it comes to sexual orientation. I think the term "bisexual" is really just a personal declaration or an announcement with no for-sure definitive answer. It's putting yourself in a box with a certain definition so that other people may understand you better, that's all. Otherwise, it's meaningless. I know people who have experienced both sexes but still call themselves "bi-curious". I also know self-proclaimed "gay" guys who have never even been with a woman sexually before. I identify as bisexual, but there are a gah-zillion people who would tell me I couldn't possibly be bisexual because I'm married to a man, which automatically means I'm more attracted to men than I am women (which is totally false). I think the term holds different meanings for different people and it's all a matter of perception. The line is where the Individual draws it...I don't think the concept is scientific in the least.

Dear "Regular-Guy", Either humanity hasn't evolved as much as I thought or you're stuck in a 1980s/90s timewarp. Regardless, what the hell does HIV/Herpes have to do with this? I mean, really? Your best advice is "don't give your wife Aids" ??? Surely we're past the dated stereotype that gays spread diseases. That's kind of an insult to "wishful thinkin'", don't you think? I'm sure a bisexual/gay guy is just as capable of wearing a condom as any heterosexual guy. I suppose your next bit of advice would be for him to repent, or he's going to hell for sucking cock. *Sigh* Simple-minded comments make me cringe a little. I digress. Claws retracted. I come in peace, I promise. Anyway, "Wishful thinkin'", I think it's GREAT that you aren't afraid to admit what you want! I guess the big question is, will your wife be down with it, and if not I'd say you'll have to decide what you want more. I don't recommend that kind of deception in your marriage as a lot of women won't be nearly as understanding of a fling with another man. There's definitely nothing wrong with bisexual though! Absolutely nothing. Embrace it, like you have. You should be proud to be a bi man, there aren't many of that flavor out there! ;-) Hell, if my man said he wanted to try it out I'd probably say "Well alrighty then baby, let's pick you one out!" LOL Then again, I'm of the more free-thinking variety ;-) I know plenty of women who are into the whole homo-eroticism thing...so you may just be surprised. Good luck to you, and good for you!

Hey Shoop, Well of course you're normal for being angry about this! Seems as if he'd rather beat it to porn than have sex with you, and that's maddening! I know all about this feeling of rejection, believe me! My SO doesn't offer to give "a helping hand" either, it's more like a "tough, go get ur vibe, I'm going to sleep"! LOL It's very irritating and it makes us second guess ourselves. I personally feel that if a guy knows he won't be able to perform for his SO after having masturbated, then he needs to refrain from it! A lot of men are naturally selfish lovers I think. My husband and I have deeper sexual issues than you and your bf probably do, but the tone is basically the same. They don't want to have a full-on sex session where they feel like they have to "perform"...they just wanna "get one" and be done with it. Ahh yes, selfish indeed. Hasn't worked for me so far, but I think maybe if you tell him this is bothering you, he may compromise and be a little more willing to lay off the masturbation so that he can better fulfill your needs. Either way, there's no excuse, he has a duty to fulfill your needs, and not by just "giving you an orgasm" either, sex is about so much more than orgasms! UGH. I think some tough love is in order here!

No more thoughts anyone? I know it's complicated. Seems to be my middle name. Really anything you can think of is helpful. I'm happy to have any input at all!

Hi Mnwolf, 1st of all, welcome to TooTimid, we're happy to have ya! I'll just start with your first question. No, he hasn't had his hormones checked, didn't even really think about it! I'll definitely look into it, testosterone never came to mind! hahaha Thanks! Second, we both had high school sweethearts, i.e. one or two long-term relationships before we met each other...but to clarify, most of our "experience" has come from our open sex life. Meaning we don't just do threesomes, we "Swing". We've definitely experienced a variety (so to speak, lol). It's helped us learn a lot about ourselves and each other. Yes I'm able to get an O on my own just fine, but I don't know many that have issues with solo time Thanks to everyone for the enlightening responses, I really appreciate everyone's "two sense"! Mikayla, in regards to your post, I just love the fact that you look at the WHOLE picture....it's really comforting to know someone see's it from my perspective! And that goes for everyone that gave their feedback as well. Hubby has always been open minded where sex is concerned, and we communicate openly about our issues as well, so I know he doesn't mind the other partners. He has told me that he has trouble keeping it hard through extended foreplay (usually what I require to orgasm). At least I guess you'd call it extended, maybe 30 mins or so? And like I told Ladylove, I really don't think he's gay in the least. He is very attentive in all other aspects of our life together. It's only when sex and romance come into play that we seem to have this disconnect. Most of my closest friends that I share these issues with say it's just that he's a selfish lover. But I do feel like he wants to make me happy, but more that he's scared he won't and then in turn, avoids sex like the plague. What used to enrich our sex lives, now does nothing....he's even began to "reject" other women too, friends (w/benefits) that we've known for years...which causes a lot of comotion usually. (If you're familiar with the swinging world, you understand why!). Could it really be ED at this early an age? If so that completely baffles me! The problem with this is my increasingly high sex drive...going without for so long with little outlet....makes me feel like some crazy,careless, nymphomaniac! Sigh, I just want him to WANT to make me happy, like I do him!

Ok, so I decided to start a new topic with my situation after reading Mikayla's post about the husband whose wife refused him sex. I'm going through a similar situation that I've began to talk about with Ladylove (TY!) in another thread, and I'd like some more opinions about it. Hubby and I have been married 5 years, we married at 18. He's 24 now, and I'm 23, and we hardly EVER have sex with each other. I've tried everything. Dressing up, 3somes, you name it, changing it up just isn't helping. It's been getting less and less often beginning about 2 1/2-3 yrs ago. I've spoken to a Therapist, we both have actually. He admits that he has little to no desire for sex, and not just with me, with anyone. He seems to have some ego problems as far as sex is concerned. I'm slightly difficult to orgasm, with him at least. He seems to think this is something personal, but I feel it's only because he is so straight to business. I've told him this several times. He refuses to take things slower so that I get turned on. A boob grab and then sticking it in just doesn't work for me. So he just gives up all together? I do my best to guide him with compassion. We have sex maybe once or twice a month now...and that just isn't cutting it for me. It's never very eventful either. We have an open sex life (we occasionally meet other couples). Even that doesn't encourage him anymore, not like it used to anyway. I don't want to be unfaithful to my husband, but I'm tired of being rejected. I've asked if he trust me enough to find a no-strings-attached boyfriend and he refuses. He's become especially jealous lately when we see other couples, to the point that he's rejecting their wives as well (and these are friends we've had for a very long time!). I'm so bored sexually, and frustrated. I'm understanding of his feelings....but he can't expect me to let these issues go on without some sort of outlet. I just want some insight. HELP!

Thank you Ladylove, for your advice and your consideration. And I welcome more perspectives as well, whoever else wants to chime in! I'm not much of a church goer...I consider myself non-denominational I guess, the spritual kind, so to speak. I would feel like a hypocrite going to a church for advice when I don't even attend religious services. I know his getting offended doesn't really answer the question of gay or not gay. Although I hardly believe he's gay. I think it's an ego problem. An inferiority complex of sorts. With our experiences with other couples, he can hardly perform in the room with another man because his equipment tends to fail him! I would think if there was even a chance he was gay, he would be more turned on when in the room with another man, wouldn't you say??? He says he feels very competitive when in that situation, and that it gives him a "stage fright". He seems to desire women very much, as most of the women he's been with have told me he's very attentive and enthusiastic with them. He gets jealous once in a while, when he sees I'm having a good time with another man....he feels he can't keep up with me and that the other man can. I really don't understand why he still refuses I find a no-strings-attached partner, considering our very open minded lifestyle towards sex. I don't want to be unfaithful to him, like I said, but at what point do you say "enough is enough"? I'm not looking for an affair, or anything of the sort. Nothing emotional whatsoever. Like I said, he fulfills me emotionally, and I don't think anyone could come close to tampering with the love and friendship we have. The therapist I was seeing saw us both a few times. She doesn't think our problems are even sexual, she thinks it's something deeper. Like we're not connecting enough in our day to day. Psycho babble maybe?He bores me to death most of the time, I'm very intense and he's very, well routine and unintense! But that's something I've accepted about him. What I can't accept is a a marriage where my needs aren't taken into consideration...it's like I'm not allowed to be satisfied, not by him or anyone else.

No, it's not depression. Day to day is fine for him. He does everything the same way he's always done...he still has a great sense of humor. I've been to therapy already...and no, we can't really afford it anymore. It's really something he has to work out in his mind, because I can't fix it for him. I've asked if he was gay so many times..I wouldn't guess it of him, he seems very attracted to women. And obviously he says "Hell no" and gets offended! LOL