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Differentiation


hyokahey

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I originally came Here whAt must be three years ago full of desperation, anger,frustration, rage, and deep, deep pain. I vented a good bit, and thanks to several of the really old timers (Mikayla, Tyger), I found hope and comfort. I began to contribute in my own way, trying to help others as I was helped. I spent some time away, motivated by another member here that kinda turned out to be quite unstable. That turned out to be a blessing, as I was then pressed to turn to my own internal resources instead of relying on the kindness of anonymous ladies!

During my time away, I worked hard on myself, read and re-read an amazing set of books by a guy named David Schnarch. I'm a bit thick skulled, so it took me a good while to 'get it'. But get it I have, and am pleased to say that my marriage is intact, and while my sex life is not ideal, it is far, far better than it ever has been. I attribute that also to the author I mentioned. The ideas in these books have transformed my personal and professional life; so much so that I now help others with the same issues I had.

I would encourage any reader here that is suffering as a high desire person for sex with a low desire partner to pick up and read the books by Schnarch.

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Hi there!

Welcome back. I am quite familiar with the Schnarch books, particularly Passionate Marriage. He has some wonderful concepts on focusing on yourself and not making the other person in your relationship responsible for your happiness. I agree, they are definitely worth a read -- even if you are having a'good' marriage.

So glad to hear that your marriage is 'intact' and that you are doing well.

We look forward to hearing from you and hearing your words of wisdom!

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I'm grateful to see you back, and I am glad to know that your marriage is intact. It is hard to keep a marriage intact. Looking forward to your insight once again.

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...I would encourage any reader here that is suffering as a high desire person for sex with a low desire partner to pick up and read the books by Schnarch.

Sounds like a good read regardless! Welcome back! :)

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Welcome back and it's good to hear that things are better in your relationship.

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I originally came Here whAt must be three years ago full of desperation, anger,frustration, rage, and deep, deep pain. I vented a good bit, and thanks to several of the really old timers (Mikayla, Tyger), I found hope and comfort. I began to contribute in my own way, trying to help others as I was helped. I spent some time away, motivated by another member here that kinda turned out to be quite unstable. That turned out to be a blessing, as I was then pressed to turn to my own internal resources instead of relying on the kindness of anonymous ladies!

During my time away, I worked hard on myself, read and re-read an amazing set of books by a guy named David Schnarch. I'm a bit thick skulled, so it took me a good while to 'get it'. But get it I have, and am pleased to say that my marriage is intact, and while my sex life is not ideal, it is far, far better than it ever has been. I attribute that also to the author I mentioned. The ideas in these books have transformed my personal and professional life; so much so that I now help others with the same issues I had.

I would encourage any reader here that is suffering as a high desire person for sex with a low desire partner to pick up and read the books by Schnarch.

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It would appear that some crises occurred in my absence from the forums? It sounds like there was a great deal of reactivity between folks. I hope that I might be able to help...you know, everyone here has the chance to 'moderate' interactions...it is, after all, just a forum to exchange ideas, thoughts, and experiences...not a place to act out our personal lives. The potential of this site is enormous, if each member fully understands what it is about, what it is NOT about, and is willing to moderate their OWN self....yes?

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EXACTLY!

We are adults, and self 'moderation' should be something we all can do.

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EXACTLY!

We are adults, and self 'moderation' should be something we all can do.

Couldn't agree with you more!

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EXACTLY!

We are adults, and self 'moderation' should be something we all can do.

DITTO!! <3 :*

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Actually then, the title I gave to this thread is quite applicable. The word 'differentiation' when used in relationships means: the ability to stay engaged in an intimate encounter with another and not be overwhelmed with your own or the other person's emotions. It is important to remember that 'intimacy' is not always pleasant or positive, and of course, is far more than sex (you can have sex without any intimacy!)

So basically, differentiation is your capacity to stay engaged with someone while 'holding on to yourself' and responding rather than reacting. Reactivity is toxic to relationship; toxic relationships usually have a dropping rate of touch / sex.

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I'm glad to see that you're back, and that when you were here the first time, we were able to help you a lot. I'm also glad that you and your spouse took the time & effort to try and repair your marriage. Though some can't be fixed, many people rush into a divorce because they don't want to take the time to actually try and fix it. Then you have the people that keep going back & forth to each other due to unresolved issues. Glad to hear that you're trying!! :)

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Glad to see you back, and I recognized your unique style of writing before the clues, thinking "can this be...?"

Yes, I do believe I recognize you also.... it is nice to have you back again.

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Yes, I do believe I recognize you also.... it is nice to have you back again.

LOL, I intended the comment for hyokahay - but Thanks!! I skate in and out, more often if I have a question or a particular experience or insight I want to share - and I avoided the boards during the recent unrest, they are a much nicer place to visit now!

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LOL, I intended the comment for hyokahay - but Thanks!! I skate in and out, more often if I have a question or a particular experience or insight I want to share - and I avoided the boards during the recent unrest, they are a much nicer place to visit now!

It's good to see you back again. I remember you too. Glad to see your back and happy!

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  • 6 months later...
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Reviving the thread.

Reactivity between people who love each other is toxic to their relationship. Reactivity results when we are consistently thinking negative thoughts about our partner. When we have negative thoughts, negative emotions result. They rise to a level where we then say or do something that we later regret, or, at least, stimulate reactivity in our partner.

The reactivity happens at the speed of light, and it builds in intensity. Along the way, our thinking turns to making a number of assumptions about our partner's motivations and thoughts...when we are reactive, we are almost always wrong in our assumptions about our partner.

The toxicity of reactivity leads to far less touching between partners, and less touching leads to less sex, less desire for sex (with your partner), and less intimacy in the relationship.

How do you react in your relationship? Can you feel the toxicity develop? How does the toxicity effect your sex life? Do you ever use sex as a means to heal the toxic effects of reactivity?

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It is important to remember that 'intimacy' is not always pleasant or positive, and of course, is far more than sex (you can have sex without any intimacy!)

I saw this thread for the first time today and read the whole thing. First, I'm glad you've found a way to be happier and more content in your life. Good for you!

The sentence above caught my eye because of how it pertains to my life. My situation has also changed drastically iately. I used to tell myself that I wanted intimacy in my relationship, but after much stress and pain I figured out that, as you said, "intimacy is not always pleasant or positive." I used to look at intimacy as a way of sharing myself. It felt good at the time - trusting and connecting with another human being! Wow! But in fact I was just giving my partner control and ultimately ammunition to use against me. I've stopped telling myself that I want/need emotional intimacy any more and I've become a happier, more peaceful, more joyful person for it. I have, in fact, become more intimate with myself in a way. As for physical intimacy - it's different than emotional intimacy and the two do not have to go together.

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