Jump to content
Official Community Forums Home
Header promo block image

Looking For A Parent In A Mate


sass

Recommended Posts

  • Review Team

I don't know if this has been discussed before or not. If so, I don't remember it, I apologize, whip me then move on and we will all be happy. ;)

"They" say that girls grow up and look for a mate is like their father and boys grow up and look for a mate that is like their mother. Do you think this is true? Of course, it is a general statement as not all children grow up with both parents, and some parents are borderline nuts and their children run from them when old enough, but IN GENERAL do you think this is accurate?

And then let me take it a step further, and really where I am going with this, do you think this has any effect on how dominate or submissive we are in our sex lives when we get older? Are girls with dominate fathers more likely to grown up submissive and seek a Dom for a mate? What about boys who grow up with a dominate mother? There must be something that makes us either dominant or submissive, or tend to like one or another more. Is it just genes or do parents influence this?

If anyone knows of any published studies on this, I would greatly appreciate that information as well. :) Greedy, aren't I?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

This is a GREAT question !!! I think the types of parents we all have- definitely play some part in the type of mate we look for. My mother was VERY submissive. I remember her crying quite often. She would be afraid to tell my father something she had done. (something small even, like getting lost) He would get so annoyed with her and yell. I don't think he realized he would yell. Oh, he was never abusive---he just thought he was always right. He was very critical. "His way" was always the "best way" and the "right way".

My husband has some of the traits my father does. (my husband is not critical the way my father is though) My husband and I have talked a lot about this and about how I've felt over the years. I was afraid to really talk to him for so long, for so many years. His father was the dominant one in his household (thankfully, my husband does not act the same way as his father did as there was abuse in his household--Not with his mother, but with the children)

Things are definitely better and I am getting more "dominant" in our relationship (sexually, as well as everyday things). I was always the submissive one (I definitely took after my mother---I mean that was how I was brought up.) I'm sure Mikayla knows of some books on this subject for you----I'm sure she'll be along at some point to respond to it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I too think one looks for traits of their parent in their spouse. Not all of them, you could have had a lazy father who was kind hearted. It may be the kind hearted part that attracted you too your spouse. I too grew up in a home where my father was the dominant personality. However, he rarely yelled, never belittled, he is a kind hearted man, but his word was law and no one argued. I married a generous, kind hearted man. So in a way I did marry a man similar to my Dad....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"They" say that girls grow up and look for a mate is like their father and boys grow up and look for a mate that is like their mother. Do you think this is true? . . .

Looking at various people I know and at me and the mrs., I don't really see that as being true in a general sense.

Good question, though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Looking at various people I know and at me and the mrs., I don't really see that as being true in a general sense.

Good question, though.

It may not be obvious, but is there any similarity at all??????

If you asked up until a few years ago, I would have laughed and said unequivocally NO. Now I can see the both men are kind hearted to those they love and care for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It may not be obvious, but is there any similarity at all??????

Similarities? Sure, in some ways. But a lot of differences too. But maybe someone with a different eye would key in on the similarities more plus some traits I'm not seeing, and come up with the opposite answer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

As I mentioned in another thread, a girl's relationship to her father plays a huge role in how she interacts with men later in life. Been burned with that too many times, no daddy issues for me thanks. :rolleyes:

Consequently, I would assume the same holds true for males though I cannot see how my wife is anything like my mother. Good thing too, that would get weird. :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

As I mentioned in another thread, a girl's relationship to her father plays a huge role in how she interacts with men later in life. Been burned with that too many times, no daddy issues for me thanks. :rolleyes:

Consequently, I would assume the same holds true for males though I cannot see how my wife is anything like my mother. Good thing too, that would get weird. :lol:

OK... No Daddy or Mommy issues here. However there are men and women that are wishy washy, control freaks, paternal, maternal, neat, sloppy, giving, selfish .... there are so many more personality trait to numerous to list. If your mate happens to have a trait that your parent has, it doesn't mean you have issues, but it could means they have become ones that you are drawn to.

My DH and my father couldn't be more opposite if I actively tried, but if I look for a common personality trait it's there. I guarantee you if you, if you look hard enough you'll find one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My wife and my mom are both nice. Both stay-at-home-moms (well, my mom was; nest is now empty for decades). And they are both Godless heathens. Neither swims (though my wife will at least go in the water). That's about it for similarities.

They are political opposites. Mom is pretty straight and narrow and a teetotaler. Wife has tattoos, nose piercing, just got her nips pierced, drinks, etc. Mom: introvert; wife: social bee. Organization: mom, pretty good; wife . . . let's just say a bit lacking. And on and on. And on.

Now maybe one could make a distinction between what someone looks for in a mate versus what they end up with . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My wife and my mom are both nice. Both stay-at-home-moms (well, my mom was; nest is now empty for decades). And they are both Godless heathens. Neither swims (though my wife will at least go in the water). That's about it for similarities.

They are political opposites. Mom is pretty straight and narrow and a teetotaler. Wife has tattoos, nose piercing, just got her nips pierced, drinks, etc. Mom: introvert; wife: social bee. Organization: mom, pretty good; wife . . . let's just say a bit lacking. And on and on. And on.

Now maybe one could make a distinction between what someone looks for in a mate versus what they end up with . . .

It could be your wife's niceness and maternal instincts that we're most important to you and were drawn to.....

... as far as what one looks for versus what one ends up with :lol: thats another topic you could start. I'll keep my eyes peeled for it. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Review Team

I find it interesting that people outside of the relationship often see similarities that those in the relationship don't. I have seen this first-hand. They think they are one way, but others see definate hints of their parents in them. My sister-in-law thinks brother is a lot like mom, and that she isn't like either of my parents. I see it very differently, however, and see A LOT of my dad in my brother and even more of my mother in sister-in-law. I guess perspective affects this, as well as other things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Maybe on a subconscious level, we try to find a mate that will make a good potential parent. Why then, do you ask, would someone choose to be with someone that may be like an abusive mother or father? Because it's the only thing that person knows.

I don't think everyone does this. My first (ex) husband and I never even wanted children together. I never would've had kids with him anyway. He believed firmly that children should be seen & not heard. His step-father was extremely cruel to him and his brother. No. Thank. You. My current hubby & father of my one and only child, is not very much like my father. Not to say my Dad was a bad person, he wasn't. And he got better with age & maturity, though he was ALWAYS responsible for all 3 of his girls.

Maybe we do, and maybe we don't. Interesting & thought-provoking topic!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don't like any trait in a woman that reminds me of my mother. It immediately turns me against her. I see that I am a lot like my father, but I don't want a woman who is anything like my mother, so I don't know where that puts me.

My mom complained all the time, never had anything positive to say, was super critical, and worked overtime to make sure her kids were afraid of everything. I've worked a whole lifetime to overcome the things I learned from her as a child. My mom (and her mother) were also always complaining about being sick. It's funny that I have a lot of compassion for other people but when my mom complains it just pisses me off. I think that's because a lot of her whining and complaining was bogus.

My dad stuck by her and tried to take care of her in spite of her being so negative about his help. Nothing was ever enough. That's probably why I've often ended up with women who are ill and need my help. That's what I saw my dad doing and I feel like my life is worthwhile because I'm helping another person. Unfortunately, I expect the help to be accepted and appreciated for what it is, but it always turns to resentment - making them just like my mom. I admire my dad - but I'm basically pissed off at my mom. Dad was a lousy father but never had a father of his own and really didn't know what he was doing. My mom had no excuse - she claimed to be an expert parent but was lazy and ignorant.

What was the question again? :unsure:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I don't like any trait in a woman that reminds me of my mother. It immediately turns me against her. I see that I am a lot like my father, but I don't want a woman who is anything like my mother, so I don't know where that puts me.

My mom complained all the time, never had anything positive to say, was super critical, and worked overtime to make sure her kids were afraid of everything. I've worked a whole lifetime to overcome the things I learned from her as a child. My mom (and her mother) were also always complaining about being sick. It's funny that I have a lot of compassion for other people but when my mom complains it just pisses me off. I think that's because a lot of her whining and complaining was bogus.

My dad stuck by her and tried to take care of her in spite of her being so negative about his help. Nothing was ever enough. That's probably why I've often ended up with women who are ill and need my help. That's what I saw my dad doing and I feel like my life is worthwhile because I'm helping another person. Unfortunately, I expect the help to be accepted and appreciated for what it is, but it always turns to resentment - making them just like my mom. I admire my dad - but I'm basically pissed off at my mom. Dad was a lousy father but never had a father of his own and really didn't know what he was doing. My mom had no excuse - she claimed to be an expert parent but was lazy and ignorant.

What was the question again? :unsure:

Sounds to me like your saying even though you don't intentionally want anyone like your mom, it's what you've continually chosen.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use & Privacy Policy