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Sexually Jaded, Maybe?


Smile4Me

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Good to be back to the forums on TooTimid! I've missed it!

Alright, I guess I'll just cut right to the chase. There are a lot of moving parts to this, so I apologize ahead of time! LOL.

My hubby and I have an amazing emotional relationship with each other. We adore, respect, and admire one another and share a deep, loving connection with each other. We're like best friends. BUT- I've always been a bit displeased with our sexual relationship. We got married young, and were both very open-minded right from the start. We had our first 3-some at 19, 4 months after we married...and later became "Swingers", meeting other couples for fun times. We've been in and out of that kind of lifestyle ever since. Early on, it was very enriching, and seemed to really spice up our sex life, but after a while, even that didn't work anymore. I've always felt alienated by him sexually, as he has never been terribly enthusiastic about sex with me. For a while, he would turn me away every time I came onto him. I talked to him until I was blue in the face about how I felt, and he swore up and down that it wasn't me, that he wasn't as interested in sex as I was. After a while I thought maybe I was just overzealous, but I never thought my expectations were too high. Once or twice a week? C'mon. If I thought it was bad then, it would only get worse over time. Nowadays we have sex maybe once or twice a month.

It's been over the past year that I resolved to no longer concern myself with the negative bullshit...on the fact that our sex life sucks, for whatever deep-seeded underlying reason there must be for it and adopted a mind over matter attitude, focusing on the positive aspects of our marriage. It seemed to help us sexually, to a limited extent, but now there's a new problem. He just doesn't do it for me sexually anymore...not at ALL. It's no longer just him, like it used to be. It's me, too, now. He doesn't turn me on, no matter what he does. I feel attracted to him, and that's where it ends. He never even tries to make me climax, and it'd probably be a lost cause even if he did. I keep racking my brain about why this could be...if I'm just sexually jaded about the past and that subconsciously destroyed my sexual interest in him. I want to be with him so much, but then when we are finally in bed together...I feel empty and would rather fantasize about other men or women with my vibe than participate. I really have no clue what to do about this. I've had amazing encounters with other men...passionate, crazy, and wild...and I want to have that with him more than anyone else.

This is literally the only negative aspect of our marriage. I've always been able to separate love from sex and just have casual sex...but I simply can't take the sex out of love. It'd be a little more manageable for me if I was actually being "enriched" by the swinging, but he controls that to a point where I can't get anything from it. He wants a 3some with a woman, he gets it. He wants a certain kind of girl, he gets it. Everything I want always seems to be a NO-GO for him. I told him I wanted to have a MFM threesome, and he isn't down for that. I told him I wanted to be with a girl alone, and he just isn't down for that either. He even micromanages the people I'm allowed to be attracted to...like if the man is "too physically attractive" or we hit it off "too well", he'll find a reason for us to no longer see that couple. I'm just really at a loss about what to do about all of it. We tried taking out the "extra curriculars" all together for about a year, and that's when I found that not only did he still seem uninterested in me, but I found he didn't do it for me anymore either.

W.T.F.! lol I mean really, I feel like we have the most bizarre marriage, ever!

I know this is a lot to throw at you guys, but any helpful words are appreciated! What do you think?

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I can't give you any meaningful insight into the threesome/swinger portion of your troubles as I've never been involved in it. But I see several problems mixed into the rest of your post which I am unfortunately very familiar. Mismatched sex drives are quite common and can occur for a number of reasons, just poke around this site and you'll see. When you first got together there were sparks, it was all rainbows and sunshine. As life sinks in, this brain chemical high will fade and what remains is what you two have built for yourselves. It happens in any long term relationship. His love high may have waned first which can result in decreased desire. And in reading your post it seems that you've subconsciously built a wall around your sexual frustration as a reaction to his disinterest. Because it hurts when your partner doesn't express a desire for sex and in an effort to deaden the constant pain you've compartmentalized those feelings and have tried to reduce your expectations of sex. It turns into a protracted war of attrition with your own libido - you're trying to fight millions of years of evolution. If you've tried to explain to him how you're feeling and that you need sex as a reinforcement of the bonds between you yet he still isn't interested - it's probably the second problem I see.

Control. From how you've described his behavior with the swinging he has control issues. From your last paragraph I don't think his problem is a lack of libido at all if he's still interested in group sex with other people. Control issues are usually rooted in fear - he may not even know what it is that he's afraid of. But it is destructive behavior as he's explicitly barring you from experiences you'd like to try while indulging his own interests at your expense. From what you've described it's evident that what you're seeking is to strengthen that emotional bond between you two. Sex is an outward expression of it but not the whole of it.

Am I off base?

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I don't have any clear-cut answers, but I feel your pain. In my brief marriage, we went through some ups and downs sexually as well, and also explored outside interests - not really swinging, per say, but more of an open marriage concept. Yes, that brought a lot of sexual heat to the relationship, but it didn't seem to really last. We had WAY more problems than sex, so I cannot at all compare your relationship to mine past that, but I can tell you that sex is a very important part of life together, and getting some kind of grip on what is going on now will likely save you bigger problems later. Maybe he is insecure. That could be way the control-factor. Maybe it makes him hot to see you with others but at the same time it kind of hurts his ego. I don't know. That happened in my relationship but I was also married to an ass, so who knows. I do have several friends though, who for one reason or another, allowed a sexual frustration in their relationships to fester and are now unhappy. I think you are right to seek answers, just wish I knew what they were.

Good luck.

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  • 4 years later...

This is an old, yet interesting topic.

To me, it sounds like Smile4Me's husband is very controlling, and doesn't care about her pleasure one bit. The controlling the 3-somes, not taking suggestions, and not caring if she's sexually happy, sounds like he just likes the idea of being married, and having a woman in the house. Yes, you can be best friends, and have a great friendship if you're married. You absolutely should. However, the sexual aspect is also very important.

I'd be interested to see if they're still together.

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  • 3 months later...
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I have to agree with Tyger.  He does seem to be very controlling.  And it seems as though there is something off in that.  I do hope that they were able to figure something out.

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  • 1 year later...
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Hey smile4me, my husband and I could mirror your relationship except that was before we both came out of our shells and admitted and confessed our sexual fantasies. Since last January we have had more sex than at any other time in our marriage. I was extremely nervous on how to tell him I was seeing a women friend and he too was seeing a man friend. Well since then we have had the most awesome sexual adventures since then. Now we openly share our bed with both sexes and enjoy the pleasures of others. Now we often look forward to Saturday nights as we host our friends who to are just like us. My husband loves seeing another man pounding away on me and I love seeing him pleasure another women or man. My husband loves to suck cock as much as I do and we spend hours pleasing them. Tonight should be really awesome as we are having 2 couples over tonight. I wet thinking about it. 

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