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Can't Handle My Sexuality Or Share It With Partner


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  • Newbie

Nice to meet you. This is my first post on this forum.

I'm an 18 year old female, virgin and in a relationship of two and a half years. My struggle is that I feel uncomfortable with my sexuality. I don't mind other people's, and I understand that this is something natural, healthy and normal - not to mention essential for a relationship.

I'll start by explaining that when I was in the start of puberty, I had a healthy sexual relationship to myself, but that changed after a couple of occasions where I received negative signals from my family. They would jump to conclusions that I was acting sexual (watching a pop music video interpreted as porn, playing massage with friend interpreted as homosexual activity, etc.) when in fact I wasn't, and it led me to feel guilty and ashamed when I in fact was sexual. My family never talks about sex or sexuality, and I never received "the talk" about how babies are made, or how the body matures and reacts. (I'm saying this so you understand that I can't simply "ask my mother" or "talk it out". Last time we came on the topic, I burst in tears of anger because they didn't believe me that I wasn't having sex when my boyfriend slept over.)

To the current situation: In the years since puberty, I have had difficulty masturbating, fantasizing, or coming to terms with my sexuality. I can't get turned on, and I'm afraid that it is a problem in my relationship. We are sometimes sexually active, but haven't had intercourse because I can't get myself to do it, and because my partner has a medical issue with his foreskin and he dreads the pain of the procedure. We both desire to have normal sex lives together. I try to handle it, but I am embarassed to have my naked body and private parts be seen, and I instinctively cover myself because I dread to be touched or stimulated. I can do it alone, but for some reason it really bothers me that he knows or assumes that I feel sexual pleasure. I am fine doing anything to him, as long as he does nothing to me. The paradox is that I feel unsatisfied and disappointed in myself later. I want to relax about the whole issue, but whenever I focus on it I feel like crying. (No, I don't have any friends or adults I can talk with, and would rather not involve school nurses or expensive psychologs in the picture. I ask of your personal opinions, criticism and advice.)

Right now, we spend a few weeks away, and I want to use this opportunity to fix my issues. I have ordered my first sex toys now hoping that it can help. (I seldom masturbate by hand and don't enjoy it that much.) I have tried watching pornography, but I find it uninteresting and a little repulsive. I also tried erotic short stories, more frequent/different masturbation and creams that increase the blood flow to the genitals. So far, there hasn't been much progress. I'm scared that if I don't get over this, it will ruin my current and potential future relationships. If you have any advice, please share it. It would be greatly appreciated.

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  • Review Team

Hi there. I want to start by letting you know that there are others out there with similar if not the same issues. Regretfully, it isn't a quick fix you buy a certain book, read it, and youre fine again kind of thing. From what it sounds like, it is more likely that there is a psychological block that has been caused by trauma from your parents. I am hesitant to use the word trauma because it has very strongly negative connotations (such as sexual abuse) but in fact it is a form of trauma that you are experiencing.

There is hope though. I for myself was a very introverted sexual being. I of course got sexually aroused but I did not talk about it and I thought I was a bad person for it. Being raised in a christian household there was no discussion of masturbation, pornography was degrading to women and the work of the devil, and my parents still think I am a virgin because if I were to talk openly about the fact that my girlfriend and I are having sex they would automatically say that I will end up getting her pregnant and likely burst into tears. My girlfriend on the other hand did not like being touched sexually, and had some psychological/emotional issues that made being intimate difficult. When we first started having sex I honestly thought we would never be able to have sex normally.We do though. Four years later we have one of the best kinds of sexual relationships, we can try new things knowing the other wont judge.

I will start by giving the advice that I give pretty much anyone with an issue that can be relationship related, and whether or not it fixes the issue it is good advice. Focus on your intimacy first, that doesn't mean getting it in and getting eachother off. It means the romantic connection the two of you have. The honesty you have between the two of you. Even if you spend car rides or nights before going to sleep telling eachother childhood stories. It will help develop a bond that will promote a feeling of security. The security issue is likely the thing that is most difficult for you at the moment, and to feel secure will be the first step in healing.

I assume you have spoken with your boyfriend openly about this, but if you havent you should. Let him know what is going on and what you are feeling. Next maybe make a sexual journal. It can be anything from just expressing the emotions that you feel are causing the issues, maybe things that excite you sexually or otherwise. Try to work out any tension. Journaling has been proven to be effective for psychological issues among other things, and it may help.

Finally, if you cant resolve this on your own, or with the research you manage to find, I would consider some kind of therapist. If you cant afford one then maybe see if you can find a column or site where you can ask and be answered. Or see if your health insurance will cover it (I remember my Psych professor saying most patients are insured and thats how the therapists get paid). Just know that you're not abnormal, and youre not broken. There are people out there who are repressed or just arent interested in sex at all (i have met a few believe it or not).

I really hope this helps in some way, and keep us updated if anything changes.

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