I'm Done

[LoveBitten]

It's been years since my first and only orgasm. A event I have tried, ever since it happened, to recreate... even just once more.

I give up.

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of working as hard as I have for little or nothing at all. I can't remember what it was like... I know it felt good, but the memory is so distant, I'm almost beginning to wonder if maybe it was a college stress induced dream...

I'm tired of wearing out my fingers or arm, or buying dozens of different kinds toys, I'm tired of trying to convince my fiance to try different techniques, I'm tired of the disappointment and the tears afterwords, tears I've started hiding from him again because, fuck, I just don't want to deal with the guilt it gives him on top of everything else. I'm tired of thinking "well, maybe this time..." I'm tired of telling myself -not- to think about it, to just let it happen.

"You're trying too hard, just enjoy the ride" ... yes, I've heard it before, I've told myself that. It's not helping. Even if I just relax and let go, nothing happens. After weeks of that, of not thinking about it at all, just focusing on being in the moment... I suddenly realized, "It still never happened... I never got there. I've watched him do it over and over, but I still haven't gotten there, even once." That's happened a few times now, where I've put the thought out of my mind for a really long while, hoping that letting go would work out. It never does.

I'm also tired of trying to get him wait or slow down for something that isn't coming. (Or... someone that isn't cumming, I guess. *weak smile*) I feel guilty doing that and guilt will never help me.

"You're trying too often. Take a break." I have. Isn't a month at a time enough? Isn't going...at least weeks, maybe longer, -without- counting the time, refusing to give it thought, without touching myself or even him enough of a break? We were separated for a long time. Reconnecting didn't change anything. Felt... nice, but nothing happened.

"Maybe you just don't know yourself enough, explore." ... But I have. As I said, I've tried a lot of things. Not just physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I've realized the fact that I have depression and anxiety, so I've seen a therapist for months now. It's helped, somewhat, I've even basically gotten over my negative self-image from my teen years. I thought maybe, with the changes I've made in my life, this area of it might finally change, too.

There was a point when I thought it had. A self-session where I got so worked up I almost fainted... and as "intense" as it was, I still can't get there. I know, I'm still in my twenties, giving up on this sort of pleasure when people are still having it in their 80s these days... well, I'm envious, and I know giving up after only a few years may seem stupid of me...but I don't know what else to do. =\

I don't want to try anymore, or care anymore. It seems like a waste of time. Of energy. Of emotion. Thank you, everyone, for the advice you've given me in the past... I really am grateful, but I can't keep doing this.

I really do want that bonding experience of experiencing mutual pleasure with the one I love, I'm sure it's... really great, but if I can't have it... maybe if I can just stop caring, it won't bother me anymore. I'd rather not let whatever is stopping me make us both miserable.

The idea of sex becoming more a labor of love than a mutual pleasure is not an enjoyable thought because it seems wrong. However, it's not as depressing as the idea that, if I keep caring, I'll eventually truly resent him for his own happiness. At least if pleasing my partner is my goal, I'll have that satisfaction. Then, anything I get out of it on a more personal level would be more a pleasant surprise than something I expect to have or feel I deserve, so I won't be disappointed anymore...

And I apologize for posting something so depressing. I don't mean to dampen anyone else's enthusiasm or disturb a good day you may be having. I just felt it might help me to express this to someone. Getting it out in the open, rather than keeping it bottled up, will make it easier to come to terms with.

[ergot2]

Great job getting that off your chest!!

My Turn - My pecker is 5.5 inches long and very fat, wish it was bigger but nothing I can do about it. I read all the posts from the ladies about ideal length/girth and I don't measure up. Can kill the self-esteem.

[michelleddd]

I have so many questions but will start with..... take it easy on yourself!

You have soooo much time to figure this out, I realize you're frustrated but maybe you '

are making it harder than it needs to be. Sort of like when a man has an off day or two and

he starts thinking maybe he's losing it and once you get in your head it becomes a self

fulfilling event.

First, are you on any medications? Anti depressants are notorious for inhibiting orgasms.

Can you come through masturbation? That's where I'd concentrate if I were you, figuring out

what pleases us so we can show our partners is important since everyone is different.

When I first met my SO it seemed like he'd never figure how I liked oral sex, I guess he was

doing what he'd done for 25 years with his ex but it sure wasn't what I needed. He finally did

after some gentle redirection and praise. YEA!!

Do you use lube? It can make ALL the difference! If you are having trouble with clitoral orgasms

does it feel any better during penetration?

What does your Dr. say?? It's not hopeless just frustrating I know. Could you be having them and

aren't really sure?

And Ergot2 my man has an average length/plus sized girth and this is the truth, I NEVER had g-spot

orgasms till I met him. It seems for my body anyway that too long of a penis just doesn't hit me in the

right place.... I mean I have to beg him to stop before I become dehydrated.

ps I had to make a special blanket so I didn't ruin the bedding or furniture and I could relax. Give

me short and fat anyday!!

[Sunshine Sam218]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been hard for you lately. I've had this problem too in the past, during the moment I was thinking way too much about getting off. I was about to ask you if you're taking any medications but it's already been asked, haha! Which is fine though. =) I'll ask you though, have you been stressed out lately also due from not being able to feel pleasure. Problems at work or anything else that's upsetting you. For me I tend to bottle a lot of things up and I realized the more I bottle things up I won't be able to find pleasure in anything at all. Can't even simply enjoy a good movie if I'm overally stressed out.

For starters if you are stressed out try meditating. This is simply just a suggestion but it does sooth the mind and body. Another thing you could try is start going to bed naked, it'll make you feel comfortable in your own skin. If you feel subconscience about it, don't think about it too much. It's simply just you under the covers and if you're worried about anyone walking in while you're naked while sleeping simply just lock you're door. Through out my whole life I used to feel negative about my body before and when I started sleeping naked, I realized how much more happy I became. Now I'm very happy with my body and love the way I look. It build up my self esteem as well which was wonderful. Trust me you're not the only person who had a hard time being able to cum or have orgasmns, I believe we all throug this once in our lives. Not sure if this is the answer you were looking for but I hope I helped you out in some way.

This is all that I have to say at the moment, if I think of anything else to say I'll pm you. Wish you all the best of luck and hope you end up feeling good in the future.

[square]

Great job getting that off your chest!!

My Turn - My pecker is 5.5 inches long and very fat, wish it was bigger but nothing I can do about it. I read all the posts from the ladies about ideal length/girth and I don't measure up. Can kill the self-esteem.

If only the first segment of my finger (plus help from a vibrator) can give my Mrs. a pretty good O, a 5-inch pecker can't be that bad.

[square]

LoveBit,

without the orgasm, and/or without worrying about trying to achieve one, is sex still enjoyable and pleasurable for you, or would you rather skip it altogether?

[LoveBitten]

I have so many questions but will start with..... take it easy on yourself!

You have soooo much time to figure this out, I realize you're frustrated but maybe you '

are making it harder than it needs to be. Sort of like when a man has an off day or two and

he starts thinking maybe he's losing it and once you get in your head it becomes a self

fulfilling event.

First, are you on any medications? Anti depressants are notorious for inhibiting orgasms.

Can you come through masturbation? That's where I'd concentrate if I were you, figuring out

what pleases us so we can show our partners is important since everyone is different.

When I first met my SO it seemed like he'd never figure how I liked oral sex, I guess he was

doing what he'd done for 25 years with his ex but it sure wasn't what I needed. He finally did

after some gentle redirection and praise. YEA!!

Do you use lube? It can make ALL the difference! If you are having trouble with clitoral orgasms

does it feel any better during penetration?

What does your Dr. say?? It's not hopeless just frustrating I know. Could you be having them and

aren't really sure?

And Ergot2 my man has an average length/plus sized girth and this is the truth, I NEVER had g-spot

orgasms till I met him. It seems for my body anyway that too long of a penis just doesn't hit me in the

right place.... I mean I have to beg him to stop before I become dehydrated.

ps I had to make a special blanket so I didn't ruin the bedding or furniture and I could relax. Give

me short and fat anyday!!

I... haven't had an "off day," though. This has been going on for years. It happened once, which boosted my confidence, made me think "oh, so I've finally figured this thing out, this is awesome" ... and then it just never happened again.

Currently? No. Was I during most of the time I was having this problem? No. My doctor put me on anti-anxiety medication for chronic insomnia, which I've had since I was a child and finally decided to address. Yes, some medications can cause sexual problems, but you have to understand... that was a recent change. My issues with orgasms? Not a recent change. It's... kind of irrelevant.

... I can't cum at -all-, period. The one time I -ever have-, which was years ago, was via masterbation. Yes. But I've tried for years now to recreate that experience and I have not been able to. I have tried a -lot- of different methods.

Yes, I -always- use lube. No. I have a supreme distaste for vaginal penetration, to be perfectly frank with you. Other stimulation is far more pleasant.

As I've said, I've had an orgasm before. Pretty sure I'd know if I had one again. Hasn't happened.

... Lastly, I haven't asked my doctor, for two reasons: One, I'm in the medical field and that makes me a bit stubborn. Two, my doctor has very traditional values and, while I'm fine with talking to her about things like yeast infections, pap smears, even birth control ... the finer details of my sex life would be an uncomfortable topic.

I wouldn't mind talking to a professional, I'd just like to find one I'm comfortable with, and so far, I haven't.

[LoveBitten]

LoveBit,

without the orgasm, and/or without worrying about trying to achieve one, is sex still enjoyable and pleasurable for you, or would you rather skip it altogether?

Parts of it are nice, for a while ... other parts are sometimes awkward (he still tries really hard, and I think he blames himself for me not being able to get off, which is a concern I've tried to dispel), and somewhat uncomfortable. But ... *sigh* you're not asking if I find it "pleasant," you're asking if I derive pleasure from it. I get ... some physical pleasure out of the experience. It's usually brief.

Mainly, though ... you understand the concept of living vicariously through someone, don't you? If your partner is really, really happy, (I'd go as far as "euphoric" on my better days, I may not be able to pleasure -myself- to that point, but I do take pride in being able to say that I am a damn good lover when I want to be) then it's... still pleasurable, right? Just in a different sort of way.

A confidence boost, a bonding experience, an excuse to be physically close and naked, an opportunity to make my lover happy, a pleasant way to kill a couple hours (or 15 minutes, depends) ...it's all of those things--but that still isn't quite what I hoped for. I don't dislike it, I just ... wish, sometimes, that I could feel how he feels.

[LoveBitten]

I'm sorry to hear that things have been hard for you lately. I've had this problem too in the past, during the moment I was thinking way too much about getting off. I was about to ask you if you're taking any medications but it's already been asked, haha! Which is fine though. =) I'll ask you though, have you been stressed out lately also due from not being able to feel pleasure. Problems at work or anything else that's upsetting you. For me I tend to bottle a lot of things up and I realized the more I bottle things up I won't be able to find pleasure in anything at all. Can't even simply enjoy a good movie if I'm overally stressed out.

For starters if you are stressed out try meditating. This is simply just a suggestion but it does sooth the mind and body. Another thing you could try is start going to bed naked, it'll make you feel comfortable in your own skin. If you feel subconscience about it, don't think about it too much. It's simply just you under the covers and if you're worried about anyone walking in while you're naked while sleeping simply just lock you're door. Through out my whole life I used to feel negative about my body before and when I started sleeping naked, I realized how much more happy I became. Now I'm very happy with my body and love the way I look. It build up my self esteem as well which was wonderful. Trust me you're not the only person who had a hard time being able to cum or have orgasmns, I believe we all throug this once in our lives. Not sure if this is the answer you were looking for but I hope I helped you out in some way.

This is all that I have to say at the moment, if I think of anything else to say I'll pm you. Wish you all the best of luck and hope you end up feeling good in the future.

Stressed out...?

I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't under some kind of stress, actually--but if that's my problem, then I have to question why my first orgasm was during college. I was stressed out of my mind. Fooling around, trying out toys, stuff like that ... it was an excuse to just forget about school for a while. Let off steam, unwind. It felt good, but the orgasm thing was more a happy accident. I thought I understood what I was doing -already-. And then it happened. And it felt awesome. And I really wanted to have another one, so I tried, and it didn't work. I figured "oh, maybe my body needs a break. I'll try again another day."

... And "I'll try again another day" is what I've been saying for years now.

Work does upset me, yes. I have difficult co-workers, I deal with life and death situations constantly, I work graveyard shift frequently ... but this wasn't always the case, so I tend to see it as irrelevant, because even before I had this job, I wasn't able to "enjoy" myself.

Sleeping naked is a default for me. I'm hot-blooded, but I -adore- plush comforters and silky sheets, so I can either burn up in bed, or sleep nude and turn on a fan. I'll take the latter every time. I don't just sleep naked either. I use to be horribly uncomfortable with my body and I had extremely poor self-esteem.

I'm still not completely comfortable in my body, and I don't like it very much, but I've gotten much better. To the point where I can happily strut about my apartment with my lover there and be naked and just... not care. I'm not worried, he thinks I'm sexy, and I think I'm ... well, there are things I like about myself, anyway. I have my own place, so I don't worry about people walking in, as the only person who can and would is the only person I don't mind seeing me naked on a regular basis.

As for meditating ... my thoughts are extremely active, so I've never been very good at that. I do a lot of things to help myself unwind, though, and they work ... and I've tried unwinding before a session, and it -helps-, but it doesn't significantly change things.

Thank you for your well wishing, it's appreciated.

[Layla94]

Hey i know this was posted 4 years ago but I hope you're still here.

Because I am the same way!

Except that I've really never had an orgasm. I masturbate until I reach this like plateau of pleasure and then it fizzles. I'm a virgin though so while I haven't tried everything I can to orgasm, I am also feeling very frustrated. I'm afraid that even when I get married I won't be able to, and I don't want my husband to feel bad about that. 

So I'm wondering. If you still are having the problem, how are you and your fiance(or husband now?) And how would you do things differently with him from the start to make sure he never lost his confidence? Even if I can't reach orgasn I always want my husband to feel valued and such. If you have any advice on this I would be so appreciative!!!