ZigZag

[Andrew]

These past few months have been crazy in my head and my heart. My sexuality is something I have no I idea what to make of. I love my wife and we've known each other for a very long time, since grade school. I've found myself attracted to girls and women. Over time my journey on the complicated road known as sexuality has been a real trip, I watched my first porno when I was a teenager and really watched more when I was in college. I started out looking at the ladies and their great assess, big tits and loved watching them suck cock and that sort of thing. Visualizing a gorgeous woman working on your member is always a great thing. Little by little as I got a little older I started noticing some things.

All of a sudden when I watched an adult movie it was something about hearing the man moan, looking at him and his huge cock that was starting to get me turned on. From time to time, when I would watch a straight porno, instead of visualizing me getting a BJ from the woman, I started picturing myself giving the BJ to the man. Later, I looked at a magazine photo spread in cosmo that featured good looking young guys titled Naked Chefs, I was like 'Hell to the yeah.' Eventually, I would throw the magazines away, probably shame because I wasn't supposed to think that. I still found woman appealing and I didn't think much of it. A few years later, one day I went into an adult shop and noticed a pack of gay man magazines with a DVD. The men on the covers, I have to be honest, were really hot and sexy looking. I broke down and bought the pack. All the men in the magazines were muscular and hung and I loved it. Also in the movie, some scenes featured men that weren't good looking and that didn't turn me on but others featured great looking men and it turned me on so much. I would throw it away I guess because of shame and trying to not admit anything to myself. 

I was and still am attracted to women but I noticed from time to time I am attracted to men in the physical form. I have also tried on women's clothes from time to time in the past but not often. Here in the last couple of years, particularly the last few months, my mind has gone haywire. I have intense fantasies about men as I've said in another post. I've also tried on my lingerie lately. The lingerie makes me feel comfortable and liberated. This whole other side comes out which I refer to as a girly, girl feminine side. That side of me also fuels those intense fantasies about men where I'm the woman and I love it. I love going down on my wife and eating her pussy, but I also love the idea of a hot looking guy's balls in my mouth with his dick on my face. I'm revived up about blowjob fantasies where my face is covered with that man juice after I made him cum from giving suck his cock. I used to be ashamed of my other side, but I have to admit I love my other side. I love the idea of one day having lots of gowns and pantyhose for me to wear and feel sexy in. In the past, I've enjoyed going to strip clubs with women taking their clothes off. Now, going to a male strip club is on my bucket list. I want to have a muscular, Greek God like figure grind up on me. Nobody I know knows this. My wife and I grew up in an environment where this stuff is considered taboo or wrong. When I wear lingerie or look at anything with naked men, my wife's at work. I want to be honest with her and make our relationship work, but I know there's a time when we all have to come to terms with our full true self. I've called myself anywhere between bisexual, demisexual, biromantic and even genderfluid. But really in short, I have to call my sexuality zigzag. I hope I can get mind settled down and on track.