Trying to Reach My Stubborn Husband

[MrsJames]

Since I became sexually active, it's been meaningless. For 5 years, it was guys I barely knew who only talked to me when they wanted me to come over for the night. It was dangerous and sometimes humiliating. I was so naive to what I was doing to myself mentally. Then I met my man and that changed. We've been together 4 years and have a son together and it just seems like our sex life is so stagnant. It's all about speed and getting off. I want something deeper. We've tried tantric sex and it was just awkward. He's just not that kind of guy but I want to be that type of woman. How do I reach him on that level? I really want to try new things but even after 4 years, it's still very hard to be sexually vulnerable. Anyway it seems like when I am on that level, he's not, we lose the intimacy and it becomes about the speed and getting it done.

Sorry for the essay.. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you. 

[JameyBadGuy]

I don't know but have you visit a doctor? I mean perhaps your husband has ed https://sildenafilviagra.com/erectile-dysfunction-definition-symptoms-causes/  If not, I recommend taking few meetings with sexual therapist.

[tiedupnaked33]

I Don't know what tantric means. to be brutally honest he sounds  boring.

[RC4BLUE]

True tantric sex take practice, openness and engagement of both people. It is great for some and not for others. One of the things  to do is focus on pleasure. Remember sex is adult play time. Be playful. Too often we can take sex too seriously and forget to play and have fun. Start the erotic journey by engaging in seduction and desire a day or two before engaging in sex. Send a sexy test during the day. Flirt with your partner. Bring him to you, make him want you. Too often with the demands of work and children we can forget to be sexy. It can be hard to be on the same page when we are not thinking sexy thought, acting in sexy and talking about our desires. 

[square]

If one is an over-tired parent never getting enough sleep, that could be a reason for wanting to speed things along.

[Marc]

My partner and I went through an extremely rough time a few years ago.  We had been together for almost 20 years and he suddenly went cold in bed.  He was still wonderful in day to day activities but the romance was almost non existent.  We failed to talk about it, which was a huge mistake.    When I initiated foreplay, he was passive and didn't reciprocate very much.  

It finally reached a head, when we went on a weekend trip and discovered his inability to maintain an erection.  Although he doesn't measure his success by his prowess, he was frustrated and embarrassed.  The harder he tried the worse the results.  We tried a couple of different things and sometimes it worked, but the next time it didn't.  It probably wasn't clinical depression but it was close.  We finally went to a Doctor and discovered some health issues- serious pulmonary issues.  The best news was that we discovered it and can control it, but we now know he has limitations and that is fine.

[Fiftyman]

I’m with you. My wife is the same way. Ever think about another man? Would your husband mind? I am a bi sexual man open to whatever. Let me know. 

[Papabear]

In my opinion, like one of the previous post said, not discussing it is a huge mistake.

 

is henopen to try new things? Have you told him this is how you feel? 

We cant fix the problem unless we know it’s there.  Has something come up that has broken the line of trust between you too? Are you comparing this to past experience? 

 

Just asking some some probing questions, I just posted in another thread that me and my wife had a few years of rocky ground.  Somehow we started openly communicating with each other, once we established a deep trust.  Everything got so much better. 

 

Sometines we we have to work at it- 

make a conscious decision to put down the phone and go hug her for a second, or touch her but as she walks by me- build some anticipation through the day- 

I try to let her know I am noticing her- even at odd times. 

 

It really takes work to keep that going, but it is really worth it.

[allen]

b

[bisexualrom]

On 7/17/2018 at 7:35 PM, MrsJames said:

Since I became sexually active, it's been meaningless. For 5 years, it was guys I barely knew who only talked to me when they wanted me to come over for the night. It was dangerous and sometimes humiliating. I was so naive to what I was doing to myself mentally. Then I met my man and that changed. We've been together 4 years and have a son together and it just seems like our sex life is so stagnant. It's all about speed and getting off. I want something deeper. We've tried tantric sex and it was just awkward. He's just not that kind of guy but I want to be that type of woman. How do I reach him on that level? I really want to try new things but even after 4 years, it's still very hard to be sexually vulnerable. Anyway it seems like when I am on that level, he's not, we lose the intimacy and it becomes about the speed and getting it done.

Sorry for the essay.. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you. 

Don't be sorry for being open with your heart 😙 have you tried actually taking control of the love making? Seriously tell him that you are taking over tonight and hehas no say in the matter 😉 and show him exactly how we want to be treated, and give him the most incredible night of slow ,intense, edging and sensual licking and kissing his body, massage him,tease him with your body, force him to ly there and just experience what us girls are capable of giving when they are willing to GIVE IT BACK TO US😙😙😙

[Connieknows]

On 7/17/2018 at 7:35 PM, MrsJames said:

Since I became sexually active, it's been meaningless. For 5 years, it was guys I barely knew who only talked to me when they wanted me to come over for the night. It was dangerous and sometimes humiliating. I was so naive to what I was doing to myself mentally. Then I met my man and that changed. We've been together 4 years and have a son together and it just seems like our sex life is so stagnant. It's all about speed and getting off. I want something deeper. We've tried tantric sex and it was just awkward. He's just not that kind of guy but I want to be that type of woman. How do I reach him on that level? I really want to try new things but even after 4 years, it's still very hard to be sexually vulnerable. Anyway it seems like when I am on that level, he's not, we lose the intimacy and it becomes about the speed and getting it done.

Sorry for the essay.. Any advice would be amazing. Thank you. 

Never be sorry for sharing what's on your heart girlfriend 😙 have you tried actually talking to him and explaining that you need to know what is going on with him 😉

[Connieknows]

I mean ask him to be honest with you and tell you why he won't give you what you are wanting 

[horny farm gal]

On 9/1/2018 at 9:50 AM, Marc said:

My partner and I went through an extremely rough time a few years ago.  We had been together for almost 20 years and he suddenly went cold in bed.  He was still wonderful in day to day activities but the romance was almost non existent.  We failed to talk about it, which was a huge mistake.    When I initiated foreplay, he was passive and didn't reciprocate very much.  

It finally reached a head, when we went on a weekend trip and discovered his inability to maintain an erection.  Although he doesn't measure his success by his prowess, he was frustrated and embarrassed.  The harder he tried the worse the results.  We tried a couple of different things and sometimes it worked, but the next time it didn't.  It probably wasn't clinical depression but it was close.  We finally went to a Doctor and discovered some health issues- serious pulmonary issues.  The best news was that we discovered it and can control it, but we now know he has limitations and that is fine.

I am  in  this boat right here with you.  But the thing is even if he had ed, there are plenty of other things to do and it is selfish of him to not try to meet your needs.  I have always been the giver and he the taker and he even admits that,  but for sex to always be wham bam thank you ma'am is bullshit.  After 30 years and me telling him what I need in the most loving way I can I throw in the towel. 

[kanga grey]

i to have mild ed which i have taking calias  and virgra which help but of late we tried something different we are trying date night  in which we have a little wine she dresses in a little hot dress that we got from here  i give her some massage working up to the good parts  we also got her a new toy a billet vib which i love using it on her (i love to masturbate  her and i get hard enough for it to work with out medication  it works most of the time so give that a go  good luck

[SexMaster]

Do you think it might be too much porn? I have seen this time and time again. Talking to other women in similar situations. 

[Lojam]

My husband is the same way. He very rarely touches me. No hugs, kisses, holding hands, an assuring touch here and there.  NOTHING!!  He barely touches me when we have sex. He loves when I give him a bj and he is satisfied, but doesn’t really bother to satisfy me. He won’t give me oral sex at all. I’m wanting so much more! I want to feel connected to him on a deeper level, but nothing. Not sure what to do about this either. I’m sorry. This is not fair. 

[TimidTxn]

My divorce was because we grew apart. I needed a deeper connection. Sometimes it was like having sex with a jack rabbit. Try talking it out. Try everything. Let him know what you need. 

[Tyger]

Hi TimidTxn!!! I live in East TX, near Houston!!!

Growing apart due to lack of communication is, unfortunately, very common, and easily avoided just by talking to each other!!!! 

But, I get it. My ex husband actually spent more time with his XBox360, then he did me, or us as a family. After a while, he just slept on the couch so he could play all night, and I wouldn't bitch when he came to bed. After awhile, I got tired of trying, and became a master-masturbator!! LOL

[ClickClack]

My wife and I were going downhill sexually. I did something stupid and was busted. There was a major blow-up.  When the dust settled we TALKED well into the night. We found out more about ourselves than we did in 14 years. Since then our sex life is awesome.  We experiment, use toys, I've bought some very sexy lingerie  for her, and she for me. She tuned me on to bandage.  Anyway  the key is communication. 

[Fun4her +me!]

On 1/23/2020 at 5:54 AM, Lojam said:

My husband is the same way. He very rarely touches me. No hugs, kisses, holding hands, an assuring touch here and there.  NOTHING!!  He barely touches me when we have sex. He loves when I give him a bj and he is satisfied, but doesn’t really bother to satisfy me. He won’t give me oral sex at all. I’m wanting so much more! I want to feel connected to him on a deeper level, but nothing. Not sure what to do about this either. I’m sorry. This is not fair. 

Lojam; the problem is when you said "He loves when I give him a bj and he is satisfied!" My 1st wife was the same way, she loved me going down on her, but would not return the favor even though she said she would. The next time she spread her legs and wanted oral attention I straddled her and aimed my manhood straight at her mouth and told her you first and I was not getting off of her until she sucked me real good! For women its a lot easier than you think! You can straddle his head and lower yourself until you can almost smother ("SMOTHERING" is an actual sex position )  him with your thighs and let him smell your delicious aroma and he'll have no choice to please you orally or you can be  more dominant and tell him you will sit on his face till he satisfies you orally and even force him to rim you if you want to try something different. (I've seen Dominant Women do this to men and women who are too timid or reluctant to actually go down on a woman and they lick or the Dom  just sits on them till they do, otherwise she won't let them breathe!) I think women dressed up as a Dominatrix is sexy as heck and is a big turn on, I wish the 2 women that were in my life and my current wife were into being more Dominant! My current wife even said she'd love to bend over me over one day and to show me  what it feels like to be penetrated! I bought a strap-on from TT's website and showed it to her telling her she can now have her wish! (Stay Tuned since she has not used it yet!) Another thing you can do, speaking from experience with my second wife, you wake up the dead in the morning with some mouth music while playing in your kitchen using your fingers! Once you have him at full attention and your wet enough to straddle him you can climb on his pole in the cowgirl or reverse cowgirl position and ride-em cowboy! Believe me I loved waking up to seeing some nice bouncing breasts or my wife's moon shining in my eyes and not once did I complain! If that doesn't work try watching couples having live sex on the internet it is better than watching directed porn, because they do what comes natural! There is another site I go to where you can read about people's sexual adventures, and a lot of the stories can boost your sex life by what they did or have done! If you are interested I'll PM you the two websites, but try my two suggestions first!

[Fun4her +me!]

On 6/11/2020 at 9:17 PM, Tyger said:

Hi TimidTxn!!! I live in East TX, near Houston!!!

Growing apart due to lack of communication is, unfortunately, very common, and easily avoided just by talking to each other!!!! 

But, I get it. My ex husband actually spent more time with his XBox360, then he did me, or us as a family. After a while, he just slept on the couch so he could play all night, and I wouldn't bitch when he came to bed. After awhile, I got tired of trying, and became a master-masturbator!! LOL

Tyger I ran into the same problem with a neighbor, but his wife was the addicted Gamer! I think I saw her in more revealing  clothes and underwear than he did, unless they had friends over for multi-player games! Since I was retired and like her I was always home and one day we met and met her husband soon afterward! Well one day she just got home as I was out walking and said she got this cool new game and could't wait to play it and told me to come over in about 15 minutes! I knock on the door and yelled for me to come in and there she was in a halter top that barely covered her huge Ta-Tas and wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes with a bowl of snacks and started to play this new game which was a science fiction war game! I told her to play single player since I was not good at video games and she was good! One day she showed me all her games, telling me she could outplay her husband, except his few sports games! She Loved playing her games loud and loved an audience and didn't care how she was dressed as long as she was covered up and 1 time only in a towel since she was washing clothes! I told her at one point when I saw her only in her bra and panties if she wasn't married I'd get to know her much much better, but she burst my bubble real quick telling me she did not look at me the same way I did her since she wasn't into older guys - I was more like an older brother to her that she'd never had! The thing is which I already knew that she was nothing but a "Cock Tease!" Well one day it finally happened when I heard her calling  out my name while she was crying in her backyard and went over to find out what was wrong! What she told and showed me really was not a shock to me, she had been served separation papers from her husband! Her extreme gaming come to find out  was forcing her not to perform her wifely duties as a housewife, but ignoring her marital duties in the bedroom as well ! He started having an affair with another woman on his route as a delivery driver and she was giving him that his wife wasn't beside sex, was home cooked food since she hardly ever cooked because of her addiction to video games. Heck her husband even liked my food when I offered him something that I cooked on my grill and told him he could use my grill anytime! One time when he was over sharing a beer before all this other stuff happened he wished I was a woman because my house was always neat and tidy and I could cook, and he'd leave his wife in a heartbeat, and that's when I told him about the things I saw his wife was wearing or rather not wearing! He admitted to me if he left the house and she was wearing bra and panties, when he came back home she was still wearing the same bra and panties no matter who came to the house, since all his friends had told him the same thing! I did tell him I never saw his wife naked, and he jokingly said that's because you've never been to one of our skinny dipping parties telling him so that's all the noise I hear in front of your house every once in a while in the summertime once you have your pool ready! All he said was "YUP!" So Tyger I can't blame you for leaving your ex for being hooked on video games when my neighbor left his wife for a woman who could cook in the kitchen as well as in the bedroom! My 1st wife's boys were into Nintendo when it came out and would play video games hours on end and from then on I hated video games, but I was into looking more at my neighbor in her underthings than watching her play video games! 

[Fun4her +me!]

MrsJames believe it or not, I could only enjoy sex with a woman I was in love and intimate with! I had a few  one night stands and like you it was empty and meaningless. Even this one time that this young woman rode me cowgirl style like there was no tomorrow and made me cum real good and the more I spasmed the harder she rode and until I felt her juices flow, but again it was all her doing I just was along for the ride there was no intimacy afterward, I was just another roll-in-the-hay to her! I agree with you about intimacy even if the sex was bad, intimacy is the cure when you touch each others nipples or other body parts with your fingers while still in the moment. Tongues cum in handy especially if you both are into performing oral! A perfect example was my 1st wife who could orgasm in two minutes  or less and learned that because her former deceased husband must've been a quick shooter! With me, after she had an orgasm everything after that was a waste of time even though I was still hard as a rock! The best lovemaking I did was on a cruise with my current wife and we had sex all night long without having any kind of orgasm because we kept starting and stopping without me ever pulling out and we fell asleep with my manhood locked inside her when she closed her legs preventing me from sliding out. The next morning we started up again until we both came together and her having multiple orgasms! That was the best lovemaking we've ever done and the most unforgettable cruise we had ever taken! Talk about trying something new - yes at one time my wife was into trying new things, but once we did something new we never did it again! If you want to know more ask me to PM you? I'll tell you about the time we did a Vaginal "DP!"

[Fun4her +me!]

On 9/17/2019 at 8:32 PM, horny farm gal said:

I am  in  this boat right here with you.  But the thing is even if he had ed, there are plenty of other things to do and it is selfish of him to not try to meet your needs.  I have always been the giver and he the taker and he even admits that,  but for sex to always be wham bam thank you ma'am is bullshit.  After 30 years and me telling him what I need in the most loving way I can I throw in the towel. 

horny farm gal, I grew up on two farms and even today after being away from the farms all these years, I still know my way around a farm and miss being around the animals and the smell of hay! A roll in the hay had a real meaning to me back then, and it had nothing to do with sex! When it comes down to sex Foreplay is one thing, but I love Afterplay better. If you read what I posted to MrsJames about my 1st wife, sex with her was exactly like that, but it was more like wham bam thank you sir and once she had hers sex was over she'd just roll over and fall asleep a left me with a wet hard-on! The times I was able to cum inside her as soon as I stopped shooting she'd jump out of bed and go wash up, like I just filled her up with poison and when she got back in bed it was a quick kiss and goodnight! My ex was not like that while we were dating intimacy was great exploring each other with hands, fingers and tongue to a point, since both of us agreed to avoid pre-marital penetration of any kind. I didn't get to lick her taste her womanly charms and juices until our honeymoon night, but afterwards when I went to kiss her she turned her head away - telling me to wash my face and rinse my mouth before I could kiss her! I did and when I came back to bed, I asked what the heck was that all about? What she told me was no surprise since we agreed to avoid any kind of sexual contact, she had never and had no intention of tasting her own juices! I asked this question you've never licked your fingers after you played in your kitchen? She didn't even get the question, "I never played in the kitchen, so why would I lick my fingers!" I just blurted out "by Kitchen - I meant you never stuck your fingers in your pussy and licked them afterwards to see what you tasted like or have a guy finger you and then stick his fingers in your mouth" she just said "NO!" I told her my older women girlfriends that I had relationships with that I fingered had licked my fingers or we shared licking my fingers clean.  She told me I had deranged gfs. and she never put her fingers inside herself either! You know the saying "if the shoe fits wear it" I should have tried on this pair of shoes before getting married! I don't know how my ex learned about sex, no intimacy especially after oral or penetration and what really struck me she never tasted her own juices in one form another! In my later teens and into my early twenties my girlfriend at the time and the first girl I ever fingered was on her 18th birthday while she used her fingers on her clit, she even licked my fingers afterward and then stuck them in my mouth to let me lick them as well and then let me lick her fingers also. After we had our fun she went on to to tell me that she had been reading articles about women and self pleasure and what to do when another set of fingers are sexually pleasuring your love tunnel and what to to do with your own! The main thing was to lick your juices afterward off of those pleasurable digits and to share with your partner to let them taste your juices as well! She then told me she's been masturbating since the night she fondled my hard dick, (she had touched and played with my long fellow just a little bit inside my pants a couple of weeks prior to her birthday) since we've waited to start learning about each other sexually and went on kissing each other and we were real good at that, including French Kissing! I did tell her that I had been releasing my sexual tension since the first time she got totally naked in front of me, but come hell or high water I promised myself I'd wait till she  turned 18 before I'd try anything sexual with her!(her divorced mom at that time was having boyfriend problems, he was being a complete jerk and somehow convinced her daughter to breakup with me a few months after our special night.  We had been together almost 2 1/2 yrs. now and I told my gf her mother was jealous of her because I was so good to her going out together and buying her things and didn't try anything beyond kissing till she turned 18. I respected her and her age and I told her mom that I was older -19 when we 1st met, but not stupid! I liked her daughter because she was very smart for her age and knew what she wanted to do with her life and I was going to be part of it so we thought and that hurt  for many years, but if I had been a somebody else who just wanted sex with a 16 -18 yr. old teenager, I'd have screwed her daughter's brains out and could have  more than once the few times she offered me her body and I'm the one who put the reins on sex. Not too many guys would've turned down a beautiful naked girl in his bedroom or backseat of his car no matter how old or I mean young she was. I still made out with her without getting getting undressed myself even though she wanted me to feeling my erect cock against her body through my tight jeans. What was even more fun helping putting her clothes back on while we were still making out - touching every part of her body with my hands - that is when you know you love someone that you really care about!  (I had to manually release a lot of sexual tension after she went home or I dropped her off when we were out in my car)  Bottom line come to find out besides no intimacy my ex  had way too many sexual hangups and not as adventurous as I was, though she told me that her mom had told her to be pleasing to your man - treat him like your a whore in bed while we were dating. That's what got my interest, but instead I got a Refrigerator and the idea of sex toys was never going to happen either, to her was totally "TABOO!" My ex was the only woman that I ever masturbated in front of to a happy ending, because she never saw a dick actually shoot cum and the thing she liked most, was watching my cock jerk and throb as I let it go once I started to cum!

[ClickClack]

My wife and I were like that 4 months ago. It took a major fight to break us out of it.

Short version.  We found out that openly talking to each other about everything,  ANYTHING. No matter if it's totally embarrassing, or humiliating.

As a result I found out that my wife likes light bondage, spanking and leather. 

I told her my own little fetishism. I have a fetish for stay up stockings, silk or satin lingerie. I've found out that I like the bondage. She's an excellent teacher. I could go on, you get the idea. 

[Tyger]

On 7/5/2022 at 3:43 AM, ClickClack said:

My wife and I were like that 4 months ago. It took a major fight to break us out of it.

Short version.  We found out that openly talking to each other about everything,  ANYTHING. No matter if it's totally embarrassing, or humiliating.

As a result I found out that my wife likes light bondage, spanking and leather. 

I told her my own little fetishism. I have a fetish for stay up stockings, silk or satin lingerie. I've found out that I like the bondage. She's an excellent teacher. I could go on, you get the idea. 

It's awesome that y'all have opened up to each other, and be able to accept each other's likes. I'm happy that you have opened up!!