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Sex During An Affair


tpaman1132

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Several years ago my wife had an extended affair. I caught her and in her desperation to save our marriage she divulged all the details of their meetings. One of the things she told me I have never been able to get past. It seems that during their meetings she both swallowed and did anal with him, two things she had steadfastly refused to even try, let alone do, with me during the 20 years of our marriage. When I asked her why she did them with him, she had no logical answer. "I really don't know why!" "I guess I just got caught up in the moment!" "I shouldn't have and wish now that I hadn't!" "I really didn't want to, never have, it was really no fun, and I'm sorry but I have no logical explanation why I did! I just did!!" etc. Can anyone explain my wifes behavior with a lover that had her doing things she had always refused to do with me? Not only trying them once, but repeating them several times with him? I have since learned this is a fairly common phenomenon in affairs.

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From what I have read, it is indeed very common for people to engage in activities during an affair that they would never do in their marriage. There is a simple explanation, basically, during an affair all the acts that the couple engages in are forbidden or "wrong" because they are cheating on their SO. Part of the appeal of most affairs is the taboo nature of being with someone else. THerefore, when this person suggests things of a sexual nature which are also considered taboo, such as anal sex, the high of it all greatens. THere is also some evidence that the physical attraction during an affair can lead the couple to do things in higher frequency and just in general that they would not ever have done. The couple becomes giddy, high on each other and their actions. This often leads to the extra sex acts.

It is also possible, and I bring this up because of personal experience with one of my lovers who cheated - that your wife wanted to do these things wtih him, and now she can not do them with you because it reminds her of him. This can be a fond remembrance or a bad one, but she will probably never let herself swallow or have anal with you because you are not her secret lover.

I hope that this helps a bit...let us know if there is anything else we can do for you!

Mikayla

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I agree with my counter-posters too.

However, let me add that this is a GREAT example of WHY a relationship that has suffered a person straying, that the gory details NOT be divulged.

If you're feeling guilty, or get caught, ok, well, fess up, but not fully. Especially if you're trying to save the relationship. The injured party of it will only replay what they were told, again and again in their minds, and start feeling a bit neglected and resentful for how (and what) was done. That is hard, if not impossible to get over.

The cheater may feel better for confessing, but in the long run, it just hurts their SO even more. If you want to confess, tell a close friend, or a counselor.

This is only my opinion, and what I've seen.

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I'm not sure if I was misunderstood. Though, I will say that I didn't address the whole "why won't she do that with me" aspect of the poster's question. I was just covering a small bit, the "after-effect" of it all. Everyone has their own way of thinking though. I will, respectfully, try and cover a bit more than my original response.

When I was cheated on, I sure as hell didn't want to hear the where's or how's of it all. I am waaaaaaay to visual to tolerate that kind of confession. Yes, they admitted it, only one I tried to work it out with, but that obviously failed.

I do agree that a lasting relationship should always be progressing in an emotional and physical kinda way. Always willing to try new things, so long as they don't interfere with one's moral fiber.

I will also agree with Mikayla that maybe the wife doesn't want to do the things that she so adamently refused to do with her hubby that she did with her lover, for fear that it may remind her of her lover, good or bad. And, the question should also be, can the husband do it, if she agreed, without thinking if he's doing it better than the lover did. Those kinds of questions, especially asked over and over, whether verbal or not, can ruin a relationship. The affair happened several years ago. I'm assuming that there is no more cause to be suspicious of her again? If not, then it's time to move on. Since this happened a while ago, I am again, assuming that she's regained quite a bit of trust. Part of that will have to be accepting that she just doesn't want to do those things, for whatever reason.

If you choose to stay in a relationship that has had one person stray, then there are going to be some things that should be dealt with, and then moved on from. I'm hoping that when you ask her to do those things, and she says no, you don't throw the affair in her face, and what she did with her past lover. Because all that does is dredge up the past, where it should stay, in the past.

Maybe the 2 of you should see a MARRIAGE counselor. That may be able to delve into issues in a professional way, that can be benificial to both of you, on how to handle all of this. That way, you can address each issue seperately, and work on them together, as a couple, with a nuetral party guiding you.

Much luck to you in the future. I hope things go in a positive direction for you both. :)

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If you choose to stay in a relationship that has had one person stray, then there are going to be some things that should be dealt with, and then moved on from. I'm hoping that when you ask her to do those things, and she says no, you don't throw the affair in her face, and what she did with her past lover. Because all that does is dredge up the past, where it should stay, in the past.

Maybe the 2 of you should see a MARRIAGE counselor. That may be able to delve into issues in a professional way, that can be benificial to both of you, on how to handle all of this. That way, you can address each issue seperately, and work on them together, as a couple, with a nuetral party guiding you.

Much luck to you in the future. I hope things go in a positive direction for you both. :)

Let me echo Tyger's sentiments. I think you should seek professional counselling as a couple to get past her infidelity. Infidelity isn't a sexual thing. It's a TRUST thing. It has far more to do with the mind than the genitals.

Frankly, I think Mikayla's assessment of your wife's real motivation is a bullseye. A woman who won't do for her husband what she would do for an illicit lover is really just saying that she hasn't really repented of her extramarital affair, and on some level wishes she was still with her lover.

Howard is right, too. We submit to each other as co-equals in a sexual partnership. Trying new things that my husband has thought of has been enormously enriching to my sexual expression, and vice versa. If my sexual expression at this point in my life was totally based on my wants and my husband's desires were irrelevant, well, our sex life would be really boring. And this doesn't mean that I am an unimaginative lover, BTW... the point is, agreeing to try what your lover wants to try almost always opens new horizons. Personally, I find being a submissive persona in our sexual marriage is incredibly fulfilling... but when my husband submits to my fantasies or scenarios or whatever, it's equally fulfilling for him.

I believe that the word "no" is poison in a sexual relationship. My husband and I have had a longstanding agreement that "no" is not a word either of us will say in our bed. "Not now, maybe tomorrow," is ok, as is, "OK, but after you do ____", or some such. In a loving and honest and open sexual relationship, there is nothing a woman won't do for her man, or a man for his woman.

In the end, I have to (sadly) say this: if my husband told me that he'd had an affair in which he'd fucked the other woman in her ass and had swallowed her (female) ejaculate, but that he wouldn't do those things for me, his clothes would be on the front lawn and the locks would be changed in a New York minute.

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Actually, my wife did try to swallow once after her affair. It was about 6 months before we had sex following my discovery of her indiscretion. Then when we did, she did make a valiant effort, but ended up choking and gagging and ran to the bathroom where she wretched and gagged and threw up. Then she spent the next 10 min brushing her teeth. I went to sleep waiting for her to get back. Next morning she apologized and simply said, "Sorry, I just can't do it!" I asked why if she could do it several times for him. And she replied, "I don't know. I wish I did. I wish I could. I really do! I just can't! That all! I just can't!"

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I really cant add anything to al the good advice everyone else gave, but as for your wife having trouble swallowing, buy some flavored oral gel,, it tastes really good, like a sucker, and helps a lot with the taste. I had issues with swallowing and it helps a lot.

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Maybe she did it because she knew it would hurt you worse than if she just had strait up sex. I'm sure she wasn't planning on you finding out and she may not have even realized why she did it. Kind of like "ha ha, I won't swallow with you but I will with this guy and if you ever knew you'd throw a fit." That might not be it but I know when I was having problems in my marriage and was talking to an old boyfriend, I told him things I have never told my husband. I did it just to be mean without him knowing. I hope that came out right and I hope you get everythign worked out.

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  • 5 months later...
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:huh:

Ive been there. My wife cheated with an old BF. She had one story of what they did and he had another.

He got upset at her for calling him a liar and so he mailed me the video he taped (without her knowledge) of them having sex on various occasions. Turns out he was telling the truth.

She gave him head, swallowed his spunk ( mulitple times) and they had anal sex several times. She never did this with me.

She said that she would do anything to make it ok. We will see how it goes.

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