Threesomes In Married Peoples Lives

[jadengray]

My husband and I have been married for a little over three years. We've been together for five years. We discussed threesomes while dating. At that time I was totally against it because I had been left for another woman before by my first bf. My husband knows my first bf, it's kinda hard not to it's his little brother. I at times find myself fat, stupid and unattractive, even to my husband who is by his own description a "chubby chaser". He just asked me two months ago if I would reconcider my stand on threesomes. This was after I found out by snooping about him having an account on a popular adult dating site. He said that he did it for us, not for himself. He has never cheated on me and never wants to ever. He says the threesome would be good for me. I'm having doubts. The idea is not unappealing, as a matter of fact it turns me on. He wants to be able to have sex with us both. He is secure in his love for me and doesn't think this would damage that love. I'm afraide that he will leave me because I think that any woman would be better than me and that he would want to be with the best he can get. He says that he loves me and nothing will change that and that I can set the rules. He even suggested that I try it with another woman alone for the first time or that he can be there only to watch. I don't know what to do. He has not visited his account since I found it. He is leaving this totally up to me. Does anyone have any advice?

[Tyger]

I also want to welcome you and am glad you found us and the courage to ask a very hard question.

You are soooooooooooo not alone with this quandry! I would also like to repeat Howard's suggestion, read some of the forum, and responses to 3-somes. Those topics are in this forum, Sex Expert, and Everything Else as well.

Upon reading them, you will find that most of us would say DON'T DO IT!! 3-somes in a marriage takes an extremely secure couple to endure. It is a common fantasy that most men share. 3-somes are fatal to most marriages just for the reasons that you yourself worry about: Will she be better than me? Will my husband/wife want to be with that person more than me, their spouse? Are they thinking about the 3rd person while making love to me? Will my spouse try and see that person on the side?

Your first step, is to feel good about yourself. Whether you go on a diet/eat healthier, workout more, or just accept yourself as a curvacious, beautiful woman. A friend of mine has an avatar on her page that says "Skinny Girls Are For Wimps!!" I think that's a great attitude to have. She struggled all her childhood trying to be skinny. She's accepted that she is big boned, and will never be skinny. She says "yeah, I'm fat, and I don't care if you like it or not. This is me." Being comfortable in your own skin is very important. Second guessing yourself can get depressing, time consuming, and a never-ending cycle, unless you decide to change it.

If I were you, I would tell your husband that, no, you will not change your mind about your opinions on a 3-some, and he needs to respect that. find the posts about 3-somes, print them out, and let him read them. If he values your marriage, then he should respect any decision with this that you make.

I wish you all the best!!

[jadengray]

I also want to welcome you and am glad you found us and the courage to ask a very hard question.

You are soooooooooooo not alone with this quandry! I would also like to repeat Howard's suggestion, read some of the forum, and responses to 3-somes. Those topics are in this forum, Sex Expert, and Everything Else as well.

Upon reading them, you will find that most of us would say DON'T DO IT!! 3-somes in a marriage takes an extremely secure couple to endure. It is a common fantasy that most men share. 3-somes are fatal to most marriages just for the reasons that you yourself worry about: Will she be better than me? Will my husband/wife want to be with that person more than me, their spouse? Are they thinking about the 3rd person while making love to me? Will my spouse try and see that person on the side?

Your first step, is to feel good about yourself. Whether you go on a diet/eat healthier, workout more, or just accept yourself as a curvacious, beautiful woman. A friend of mine has an avatar on her page that says "Skinny Girls Are For Wimps!!" I think that's a great attitude to have. She struggled all her childhood trying to be skinny. She's accepted that she is big boned, and will never be skinny. She says "yeah, I'm fat, and I don't care if you like it or not. This is me." Being comfortable in your own skin is very important. Second guessing yourself can get depressing, time consuming, and a never-ending cycle, unless you decide to change it.

If I were you, I would tell your husband that, no, you will not change your mind about your opinions on a 3-some, and he needs to respect that. find the posts about 3-somes, print them out, and let him read them. If he values your marriage, then he should respect any decision with this that you make.

I wish you all the best!!

[jadengray]

Thank you both for your advice. He wishes I would get over my body image and self esteem problems. Sometimes he acts like I can just flip a switch and it's just not that easy. Hell until he came into my life, I'd been craped on by so many guys including his brother that I thought I was meant to walk the earth alone. He's done alot to help on that. I'm not as bad as I was five years ago. But when I got pregnant with our first daughter, we moved our wedding date back from March 25th 2004 to November 15th 2003. He moved in with me in September. I was naive enough to believe that I had found a guy who was more interested in me than porn. Before he moved in, it never occured to me to ask if he even looked at or watched porn. My father always looked at porn so that he could get in the mood to have sex with my mother. And that's how I still view porn, as a better version than what is waiting for you in the bedroom. When he first moved in we didn't have a computer, well we did but the phone port was burned out. Around October of that year he got it replaced. One night he didn't come to bed when he said he was. An hour later I got currious about why he hadn't and found him in the office jacking off and thought that it was because I was fat, ugly, and pregnant and therefore unwanted as a sex partner. He had told me when we first found out that now that I was pregnant, just try and keep his hands off of me because he found pregnant women a big turn on. I couldn't get him to put his hands on me at all. He was on the computer in the morning and at night when he got home from work jacking off and not with me. He said it was because I wasn't sleeping well that we didn't have much sex the first pregnancy. I wasn't sleeping well because we weren't having sex. He says I should've told him. I tried to but it was hard because I felt like he had what he really wanted on the computer, so why try? Was I wrong?

[whiskeywoman]

Dayum girl, you got enough stuff going on in your relationship, the LAST THING you need is a 3 some.

First, stop with the insecurities, you are who you are, point blank.

Personally, I dont really wann look like an anorexic supermodel, I would be afraid of my lover slicing themselves to ribbons on those hip/pelvic bones.

I believe all women should have curves.

I have struggled for the last 30 plus years with my weight, I finally decided screw it, I cant afford surgery, I dont want the pain associated with it, I cant afford the upkeep, besides, knowing my luck, I would look like one of picasso's painting when he was having a seizure.

If you want more help in feeling secure, go out, buy yourself a sexy litle somethin somethin, get some thigh highs and some sexy heels.

secondly, you are EXTREMEMLY lucky in the aspect that your current hubby is willing to open up and talk about sex with you.

There are way to many people that come here cring " she wont do this or he wont do that etc."

So there is a bit of missed communication, hey, it happens to the best of us. it is early enough in your relationship to fix it, BEFORE it gets to the point of calling a marrige counselor, or a divorce laywer.

As for the porn thing,

NO, porn is not to get you excited for what awaits you in the bedroom, get that thought right out of your head!

Porn CAN be watched by both parties, hell I watched porn with one of my ex partners, I used it as a tool to get ideas....

I gauged her reactions to certain scenes as to things she might like to try.

There are also several educational DVDs sold here for just that purpose, a tool, so that you and your partner can better find out new tips and tricks on how to bring each other to new heights of pleasure.

Anyways, before I go an get into a full blown rant, take Howards suggestion, take your hubby to lunch, or brunch or a late lunch or an early supper, whatever, set the ground rules, have the fact finding discussion.

As for the other guys who crapped on you?

forget em, I know its hard, but forget them, if they didnt want you, thats fine and dandy, show em you are better than letting them and their nonsense get to you, enjoy that baby girl, show em your great life, a wonderful husband and a fantastic sex life that they can only DREAM of.

[jadengray]

Thank you all for your advice. It's suprising to see how many people agree with my husband. And we have more than just the oldest. I had twins in July of 05. They're boy/girl and they are exactly 16 months younger than their sister. Her bday is Mar.11,04 and theirs is July11,05. One of the hardest things I've had to deal with is that I'm his second wife and he does have a child by his first, even though legally he no longer has rights. He signed them away when after months of begging for time with the boy, she sent him to live with her sister in Washington state. But anyway, for awhile I was worried about losing him to her. Then I was worried about losing him to his ex-gf in Pennsylvania. Now I'm worried that I'll lose him to his brother's mistress with whom he now works. All his brother's women, both the exwives and a couple of girlfriends have wanted him. But I think that if we can find a babysitter and get by ourselves for little while and talk as suggested we can fix this. As for the porn, he has invited me to watch with him and I have once, but even if he was aroused, he didn't let me know and nothing came of it. I will take the suggestion to look through the educational DVDs and see if I find one that interests me. I will admit that I'm at the moment bi-curious. And one more thing, the way I was raised was that masturbation was evil and that I would die immediately and go to Hell. That women watching and getting turned on by porn was evil and I would die and immediately go to hell. My mother did try to talk sex with me and my brother, but I still don't and won't. My grandmother is the one who told me I would go to Hell and she treated sex as a four lettered word. If she talked about it at all she whispered and she wouldn't even say the word, she just spelled it. So I've been misguided most of my life by il-informed people. I didn't even explore different intercourse positions until I met my husband. Again thank you all and your suggestions will help and some already have.

[jadengray]

His biggest thing with the porn is to go to his favorite site for ammature stuff, The Hun.net . He really likes looking for BBW's. But he will look at other body types. He tells me that he has no idea what a site is or will be like until he clicks the link. That is true, because I have tried looking at porn from his site and all it is is a list of links. What some of those people call BBW ain't. The biggest problem I have with that is that a lot of posted links go back to Adult Friend Finder and Local Singles. Other times I'll come across those sites in the history while looking for a link to something else when I know he hasn't been to the hun. He tells me that he's just looking at pictures. There are times I don't know what to believe.

[jadengray]

Thank you Howard. Until you pointed it out (among other people), I didn't even realize how much I was letting everything I was told control my life. It's a fact, my parents and grandparents were and are closed minded about sex. (my dad is dead as well as my grandmother) And I just realized that a girl I once called my "Best Friend" was jealous of the way guys reacted to me when she told me that I looked like a man when we were 12. To ask a question about one of the posts I read last night; someone said that this site sold educational DVDs and suggested that I try one or two and watch them with my husband to make us both feel more comfortable with each other and masturbation, do you have any suggestions?

[jadengray]

Thanks Howard. And yes I did get aroused, from what I'm told that's not that hard at my age. As for fondling him while he's surfing for or watching porn and waiting for him to say something, I hate to admit it but I'm still shy around him when it comes to sex. Hell, he's seen me give birth once and still wants to have sex with me. ( the second time around I had to have a c-section because my youngest daughter was breach and her twin brother was normal but couldn't get out because she was standing on my bladder.) So that tells me that I'm still attractive to him. Are there any videos on oral sex? I read two articles the other night and printed both out and gave the one on cunnilingus to him, but I don't think he's read it yet. He doesn't get to read that often and I was thinking that maybe a video for us to watch after bedtime for the kids might help.

[jadengray]

Thanks Howard. I'll try these out when my bank account looks a little better than it does right now.

[ladydi1964dkl@hotmail.com]

My husband and I have been married for a little over three years. We've been together for five years. We discussed threesomes while dating. At that time I was totally against it because I had been left for another woman before by my first bf. My husband knows my first bf, it's kinda hard not to it's his little brother. I at times find myself fat, stupid and unattractive, even to my husband who is by his own description a "chubby chaser". He just asked me two months ago if I would reconcider my stand on threesomes. This was after I found out by snooping about him having an account on a popular adult dating site. He said that he did it for us, not for himself. He has never cheated on me and never wants to ever. He says the threesome would be good for me. I'm having doubts. The idea is not unappealing, as a matter of fact it turns me on. He wants to be able to have sex with us both. He is secure in his love for me and doesn't think this would damage that love. I'm afraide that he will leave me because I think that any woman would be better than me and that he would want to be with the best he can get. He says that he loves me and nothing will change that and that I can set the rules. He even suggested that I try it with another woman alone for the first time or that he can be there only to watch. I don't know what to do. He has not visited his account since I found it. He is leaving this totally up to me. Does anyone have any advice?

threesomes in married life.......no way!

[HuntersvilleNC]

Get him two paid escorts on a trip to Vegas or Europe......he can then have his threesome and you go your way. Bringing it into your marriage is a very very bad idea if you are already insecure about it.

The truth is.....if he's thinking about it let alone asking you...some way some how he's going to do it with or without you. That's the hard reality...