Please Help

[PreciousGirl]

I am 41 and my Fiancé is 36. I am trying to understand his sexual drive. Actually there isn't one; it has gotten so bad I find my self fantasying about having an affair. I know my sexual drive is stronger at my age, but what happened to his. I know in the past he had an addiction to internet porn, but I believe that is over. Maybe his having an affair. I have tried to talk to him, but he always seems to have a different excuse. He has always wanted a blow job, which I never felt comfortable giving, and I have even tried that. I bought and read books on how to give them, but he says he doesn't like that now or I am doing it wrong and it hurts. He is not attracted to me it is very obvious. I don't if I should end the relationship or if I should try to get him (us) into counseling.

Any advice would be great.

[Mikayla1]

Hello and WELCOME!

Ok, let me ask some questions for clarification. First, you say it is obvious he is not attracted to you. Well, why would you want to marry someone who is not attracted to you? You deserve someone who loves you - all of you. Are you simply jumping to that conclusion? If you know he is not attracted to you - then why continue. Things get harder after marriage - things won't change once you say "I do" and you will be wasting some time.

Second, you have never given a blowjob? Girl, you have got to get on board with that (if not for this guy, for the next). It is an intimate time for you, something he deserves to have done as much as you deserve oral sex too. Of course, no one can force you to try it - but I would definitely try to get into it. Just doing it and not enjoying it will not make it easy for him to get into it - he will be able to tell.

Third, how was your sex earlier in the relationship? Has it recently changed? Did something change in the relationship? New job? Money stress? Weight gain? Is he on any new meds? Trying to find a reason why his sex drive has changed is more important than just trying to guess or jump to conclusions.

Fourth, does he still watch the porn? Does he masturbate as far as you know? Does he get hard during sleep? When you do have sex, does his penis stay hard? He may have Erectile Dysfuntion or some other issues as far as sex goes.

Perhaps if you give me some answers, we can figure out some things!

[Tyger]

I will totally agree with Mikayla here.

Marriage is a big step, and if he's not sexually attracted to you now, what makes you think that will differ from when you're married? Why go into a marriage that you know will end in divorce?

Sexual attraction cannot be forced. If there's a good reason behind it, and he can pinpoint it for you, well, maybe it can be worked on. Like if he has ED, which is possible even in men his age. BUT, you said that he's making a different excuse everytime. If he can't pinpoint it, then he's really not sure. He may not want to hurt you by saying the most logical thing: he's not attracted to you anymore. Does this make you a failure? NO!!! Does this render you unattractive to anyone else? Absolutely not!!! Each person is attracted to different things. I like "boyish" looking guys (baby faced ones). Some women don't. Some women like blue eyes, some brown....ect. Same goes for guys. And, people's tastes change over time. People continue to grow, and that means that their preferences can change. So please don't be discouraged or feel like a failure just because of one guy. It's not your fault, and probably not his either.

You said that he use to be addected to internet porn? Are you sure that he's over that? There is a condition where some men get so addicted to the porn personas, that they can't make love to a real woman anymore. For whatever reason, it does happen. Which, to me, sounds like what could be happening. He may have replaced the internet porn with magazines and/or movies. Either way, men usually don't admit to this, and they may not even know what's going on with themselves either.

As for BJs, no, they are not a neccassary thing to do/have. However, I know that the high majority of men LOVE BJs. Unless you're biting down, or have long teeth, I'm not seeing how you could hurt him. Slow, and sometimes even rigorous sucking, licking, and even nibbling are all wonderful things to do to your man's dick. And also it's empowering to know that you can give him sooooo much pleasure by doing something so simple. Why is there an aversion to doing this? Lack of practice? Unsure of yourself?

Not once in your post did I see the words "I love him" or "I can't see myself without him". That's really something to think about. I mean really think about.

[pappyld04]

Hey precious! (My daughter is the only other girl I've said that to)! It really sounds as though you already know what the problem is but are reluctant to go o without checking it out with us. I see Tyger and Mikayla have already told you what is up here. I almost always find myself falling in the same line of thought with these two ladies. I do seem to gather that one or both of you seem to think you are settling here. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!!! I don't care what your opinions are of yourself or your partner it is no reason to settle for convenience. You are capable and worthy of so much more. If his problem is not a medical issue then you should drop him on his head and find a man who will love you for who you are. Marriage will NEVER change a problem like this!!!!

[roxie]

Precious... I think you have roughly described my first marriage! I don't know what was up with the guy, why he wasn't attracted, etc. I asked and I asked, and finally I had to accept that I would never know what was wrong.

As the others have said above, getting married does NOT change things, it makes it worse in fact. Please don't think that as soon as "the wedding stress" is over things will change or that the honeymoon will somehow create an amazing romantic environment for you two.

I know that's kind of harsh, and I don't mean it to be that way... but I learned the hard way.

Please PM me if you want to talk, I've been there.

hugs!