I Am Sexually Retarded

[angelwings]

Ok, so I'm 27 and I lost my virginity just 4 years ago to my current boyfriend. Ever since our sex life has been horrible. We have oral sex or just give each other hand jobs but we rarely have intercourse. I'm not a sexual person. I feel retarded. I never know what to do or say. And when we try and have sex, I feel like we're 2 teenagers having sex for the 1st time. My boyfriend had a couple of one night stands so he isn't very experienced either. Sex for me is painful. We can never find a good position. He tries to put me in these porn-like positions and i'm not that flexible. Oh and I'm not a porn star so I just end up feeling stupid and don't know what to do. Help!!!! I'm 27 and I want to have sex with my boyfriend. I know my vagina is very tight and know the more we try and have sex the less painful it will become...hopefully. My boyfriend doesn't like the fact that it hurts me and expects me to enjoy it. We usually give up and I ended up crying cause I feel like I have a broken vagina that just won't work like it's supposed to. We've tried different lubes, different ways of foreplay...but nothing is working. Any advice would be great.

[Mikayla1]

Hello and Welcome! You have already gotten some fantastic advice! Let me just say: porn positions are probably regular sexual positions. There are very few actual "porn positions," as in positions that the general public can not do (I am actually writing an article on it now). Having some variation in sexual positions is a very good thing -but if the position makes you uncomfortable, by all means try another.

Second, sex (or good sex) is not just for porn stars. In fact, the sex you have with a loving, caring partner will always be better than the sex the porn stars are having - trust me! No one expects you to be a porn star, so please stop comparing or expecting yourself to be so. Try to think of sex as a fun learning experience. Try new things, have FUN, stop being so hard on yourself.

If sex hurts, there could be some reasons for that - some mental, some physical. IF the pain is severe, ask your OBGYN. They have heard it all and really can give you some insight into it. When you have your oral sex, do you orgasm? Is that enjoyable for you? If you are spending too much time obsessing over things, it will not be enjoyable no matter what you do. Follow IHA's advice on pleasuring each other - experimentaion should be fun!

Please don't think you are 'retarded' you surely aren't. Sex is something that, if you want to, gets better as you learn more about yourself and your partner. Take time to masturbate, take time to talk to each other, take time to laugh - it will get better!

[Tyger]

Welcome to the forums.

You have some great advise here, so I'll try not to repeat. The porn comment kinda caught my attention, as well as the pain issue. About the pain, IF you've gone and seen a gynocologist, and (s)he said that you're fine (which, if your sexually active, you should have a yearly exam anyway). It could be a mix of mental and physical issues. You're nervous that it's going to hurt. You've never experiences sex that wasn't painful in some way, so your muscles are constricing, naturally, to protect you. It's my experience that most young men don't really take enough time to excite their lover. They just want to get it on NOW. So you're not able to self-lubricate.

THAT'S another thing!! Lubrication!!! Do or have you tried using some bottled lubes? There is NOTHING wrong with using lubes!!! Sometimes women may need a little help. If your body is "normal", and your doctor has cleared you for regular sex, then, using lubes can create the wetness that will allow the penis/toys to go in smoothly, and not create painful friction in your vagina. Added slickness really does help! Some men get all offended if you bring it out, cuz they're "Not exiciting you enough". Well, sometimes they need an extra bit of help getting excited, why shouldn't we?? It's not personal, it's pleasure. And those men that think like what I mentioned, need to grow up.

About the porn. Again, most of those positions, unless they include harness, or obvious acrobats, are normal. If you're a bit stiff, stretch out, limber up a bit. Not only will you feel good about yourself, you'll be able to get into a few positions that you weren't able to before. Adding to the fun and adventure sex is suppose to be! If a position hurts for some reason, change it. Guys also have to realize (and so do many young women just starting to have sex and see porn and go "WTF?") that porn is a visual fantasy. It's NOT REAL sex. The way that those women look are not the "norm". Some women aren't as verbal as porn stars. Porn can be used as a guide, but I wouldn't say "sexual role model" for actual, real life sex all the time. some fun adult DVDs are the instructional "How to have/do" series for couples (usually), though there ARE DVDs for masturbation and things like that too. Many of those show REAL couples, with REAL bodies, having REAL sex.

Best wishes!

[pappyld04]

I see everyone jumping on the porn reference just as I did. If there is a mental block here I think it is in the fact that you used this reference. It does seen that you need to get bf in here to learn to please his lover also. With the combined inexperience you speak of I think you would both learn a lot here! I don't understand the (Ret) reference either. There may be a self-esteem thing at work also. I hope not. BTW since this is the first post I've seen from you , Welcome to the forum! Please nag bf to join also!

[froggystyle1977]

being sexually inexperienced does not make you and idiot, it means you may need to learn more and there is nothing more fun then that!! try some of the above suggestions talk to your doctor. make sure your health isn't an issue. pornography is just like any other movie things taken out things put in its not a good guide try the dvds howard suggested, it can be hard to except sex as not being painful (being raped I know this) it is mind over matter once you learn how to enjoy sex it can be amazing!!!