Wife Using A Rabbit

[klik]

Hi

I am new here... but I have read through a lot of the posts and I cannot find what I am looking for... Perhaps someone can help... My wife of 22 years just told me "my thing does not do it for her." So as a result she has purchased a rabbit vibrator and (come to find out) uses it quite regularly. I did not know this until the other night... we had made love and I was lying on the couch and she said she wanted to take a bath... anyway I went up shortly after the bath water started and walked in on her masturbating. What a fight ensued, about privacy and personal and me not pleasing her... For my part - I would love to watch her please herself and would happily do ANYTHING for her, she just never asks or tells me what I am doing wrong. Just sneaks off with her rabbit... This is killing me. I can not please her, she has "insulted" my manhood and she will not let me help or watch her please her self... what can I do???

[Amylynn920]

Wow. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My first thought is her comment to you about not pleasing her was a defense since you caught her in a private moment, and she was angry therefore she struck out at you. Which was not fair.

Who instigated the argument? When you walked in, did you flip out on her? Or did she flip out on you? Do you normally walk in on each other?

You both need to talk about this. And she needs to be direct about what she needs from you for satisfaction. If it's the fact that your penis is not doing it, that's not your fault. You have other things to compensate. Oral, manual etc.

But you also need to respect her privacy, and she needs to respect yours. No matter how good the sex is we all masturbate. It's our time to love ourselves.

Also the rabbit does something a bit different than what intercourse accomplishes, it offers clitoral as well as vaginal stimulation and most women love the combo. If she's not orgasming during sex, she's going to reach for a toy. Most women can't orgasm just by penetration, most need clitoral stimulation. If you're not stimulating her or she's not doing it herself, she probably is leaving sex very frustrated. And frustrated hurts physically for us as much as it does for guys.

I don't think it was too cool of her to demasculate you or make you feel inadequate, but my suspicion is you embarrassed her in a private moment.

And it's hard for women to ask for what we want. We tend to think it's going to make our partners feel inadequate, especially if the partner isn't doing anything to ensure our orgasms. Does she give you oral and you don't reciprocate? What about manually stimulating her? What are you doing for foreplay? Do you make sure she gets her orgasm when you're making love too?

Just respect her privacy. When she's alone, leave her alone.

And next time you're in bed with her, pull the rabbit out and use it with her, apparently she really likes what it does.

Toys are enhancements, they are replacements.

[klik]

Thank you for the response... I think you are right that I embarrased her... and she lashed out - But whywas she embarrased? She knows I masturbate and I know she knows... but it is "like" secret for her... As I mentioned I would do ANYTHING she asked.. that night I had given her oral sex (which she seems to enjoy - but will not allow me to kiss her afetrward) -BTW she will NOT even think about oral sex on me... I would love to pull the rabbit out and use it on her but she has it hidden.. (I could probably find it, but that would be an invasion of her privacy). If she asked I would happily help her out in whatever way she wanted ... use the rabbit on her , use whatever part of my body she wants (oral, manual, --- whatever she wants) but she will not tell me what she wants... HELP!

[Amylynn920]

Thank you for the response... I think you are right that I embarrased her... and she lashed out - But whywas she embarrased?

Because you walked in on her during a private time.

She knows I masturbate and I know she knows... but it is "like" secret for her...

It is for alot of women. Society expects men to masturbate, and it's still a secretive thing among women, not for any reason other than the fact that alot of men feel women don't need to, they're good enough that she shouldn't need to, but the fact is women are sexual creatures also.

I mentioned I would do ANYTHING she asked.. that night I had given her oral sex (which she seems to enjoy - but will not allow me to kiss her afetrward)

Well maybe that's just not her thing. And did she have an orgasm? Because if not, that's why she probably went for the toy.

-BTW she will NOT even think about oral sex on me...

In that matter, I personally would stop giving it to her if she won't reciprocate. It's a two way street.

I would love to pull the rabbit out and use it on her but she has it hidden..

You can tell her this and ask her for it, or buy another one and surprise it with her.

(I could probably find it, but that would be an invasion of her privacy).

Yes it is. If you had personal things you wouldn't want her snooping would you?

If she asked I would happily help her out in whatever way she wanted ... use the rabbit on her , use whatever part of my body she wants (oral, manual, --- whatever she wants) but she will not tell me what she wants... HELP!

I can't help with that other than to say sit her down and talk about it. She's probably embarrassed and she probably doesn't want to make you feel inadequate.

She may also just want her private time with the toys. There's nothing wrong with that, and you need to give her the privacy and space to do that.

[klik]

Wow... that was very illuminating-- gives me a lot to think about. I wish I could talk with her as easily as with you, it would probably stave off a lot of issues. thanks

[Amylynn920]

Wow... that was very illuminating-- gives me a lot to think about. I wish I could talk with her as easily as with you, it would probably stave off a lot of issues. thanks

You're very welcome, and sometimes it's easier to talk to someone not invested in your feelings you know? Just keep loving her and talking as much as you can and it'll hopefully work itself out.

Glad I could help. It made me feel somewhat useful today

I will share with you something though. My first husband never cared about my pleasure. Didn't want to learn and never went out of his way to ask me. When I brought it up after many years, he made me feel that there was something wrong with me. Like I was defective, that I wasn't like other women that didn't need "as much work" as were his words.

So I spent many years just gliding along and wishing desperately that I could feel what other women were feeling.

Fast forward 20 or so years and I'm finally experiencing what I should have been experiencing along time ago. With a new partner. Is it better now? Yes and no. I still don't know alot of things. My age is a bit against me, my hormones are wacky.

Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me because orgasms come easy by myself but not so easy all the time with him.

Why? I wondered that for a long time. I'm not inhibited. Ignorant of some things maybe. But I know my body. I know what feels good. And your wife does too. Maybe it takes her more than what you're doing and she feels bad asking for it let alone telling you.

I know I do sometimes. When I first started using toys, it was a neat experience. Not better than my husband, just different. My hand couldn't do the things the toys did.

He was resentful at first, I think he felt he failed somewhere, but that was not it at all. I can't have an orgasm just by sex. I'm trying really hard to, but I can't.

Sometimes he'll spend a long time trying and .. nothing. He can't get in my head and sometimes he's not doing what I want him to do and I don't tell him because I feel bad enough that what he's doing isn't doing it for me, let alone ask for more or something else. So it's easier to just not say anything and do it myself. But while that's all good and everything I want him to be involved not just me.

You say that you're spending time on your wife, and that's good, but is what you're doing good for her? Are you asking her? Because I suspect she's needing more, and not just saying it because she feels she's asked for enough and her body just doesn't know how to have an orgasm during sex.

Oral sex is one of the easiest ways to get a woman to orgasm and if you ask women, and feel free to ask here, many will say that they don't get it often, or that they do it for their men, but the men won't reciprocate. Or their men won't manually stimulate them, or their men won't use toys with them.

That just ends up supressing women in general, feeling ok , we need to shut up and please the guys or they'll think we're odd or strange, kinky or just the general "good girls don't attitude."

I think the best thing you can do for your wife, is sit her down, apologize for walking in and embarrassing her and tell her what you've talked about here.

I bet once you talk she'll open up for you.

And my next best advice is once she does, and tells you what she wants. Be sure and follow through on it. Don't just listen and say ok, and not make changes. Because she's going to go back to the mindset that he just doesn't care.

[ToyQueen]

I think Aiden is on the money here, but I want to add that rhese conversations need to take place away from the bedroom, with clothes on, when there are no other distractions.

[Amylynn920]

I think Aiden is on the money here, but I want to add that rhese conversations need to take place away from the bedroom, with clothes on, when there are no other distractions.

I agree, I know for us our best conversations are done outside the bedroom, with the bedroom reserved for applying the knowledge

[Amylynn920]

You know another thought I had was her age. I see you're 40 if she is close to that her hormones might be starting to do some funky things. She may want sex alot more than she's getting and the rabbit just gives her a healthy outlet.

Or she may be having difficulty reaching orgasm and the toys are helping.

[cmwise1]

.... our sexuality is a window into our relationship.

You may need to draw back and look at the big picture before applying the sex knowledge. What is your marriage like? Is she happy at work? Are you both happy in most of the other aspects of your life together? Is she stressed because of kids (or lack thereof)? So much more plays into the mind and the mind is the first erogenous zone to get going.

[Amylynn920]

Or it could be that she just wanted private time with her toys. Is this the very first toy she's ever had? If so, it's probably just feels so good she wants to use it and just be in her own zone. It may not have anything to do with him either.

[klik]

She is 40 and it IS her first toy, as far as I know... I have more questions of you all... She is really confusing me...

[Amylynn920]

She is 40 and it IS her first toy, as far as I know... I have more questions of you all... She is really confusing me...

It could be she's just really horny then, and needs more. If you came from sex that night and she didn't she was just finding an outlet maybe. I mean guys do have to rest and the toy can nicely fill in. And it could be hormones. Ask away that's what we're here for.

[klik]

ok - - a little background on the whole issue. A couple of months ago, I accidently found a receipt for 2 rabbit vibrators... I asked her about it and she said it was a joke between a new friend of hers and her. Nothing more mentioned about the subject. Why would she buy a vibrator for a new female friend of hers? Anyway - I travel alot and the friend stays over sometimes, being male, my mind comes up with all sorts of "possibilities." Would they use them together? Discuss their use? Or just laugh. I am guess I am perplexed by her buying two vibrators - guys would never buy two feshlights - is this someting you ladies do/discuss???

[Amylynn920]

Yes, some of us do discuss sex and some are not comfortable. I've always been pretty open about it. As far as would a woman buy a toy for a friend? Sure. It's a girl kind of thing. "If you're buying one, here's money buy me one" because some women are shy about purchasing them.

As far as your wife using it with her friend, who knows? They probably discuss them. I discuss my toys with my girlfriends.

I know that you guys have different views on acceptability between friends. It's a male thing. But women are different, we aren't held by society as seen as lesbian by buying each other pretty things, exchanging hugs and kisses. It's just more socially acceptable.

How has your wife been with you in the past sexually? Does she approach you for sex? Does she act like she's curious about bisexuality? Are you worried that she's involved with her friend?

These are things you two need to discuss because it's only her that has the answers.

But getting back to the main topic of your question, it would not be unusual or awkward for me to buy my friend a rabbit or a bullet. It would not mean I was having an affair. I, like a lot of women look at toys as just that. Toys. A fun thing.

[klik]

Aiden - Do you get paid for this? You are really good! Better than my "therapist" who had NO answers! To answer your question -

How has your wife been with you in the past sexually? Does she approach you for sex? No Does she act like she's curious about bisexuality? No Are you worried that she's involved with her friend? Worired? Not sure. Jealous probably and I am not sure why. Her new friend is very important to her, she can talk to hr about anything... stuff she would never mention to me... I have a feeling you are going to say "let her have her friend" but aren't I suppposed to be her Best friend? I would and do tell her everything...

[Amylynn920]

No I don't get paid to talk about it.

Why does your wife not approach you? Have you discussed this? Maybe she feels "good girls don't" ?

And you're jealous because you feel that the toy can do what you can't, and you want to be the one doing it?

That's normal. It's also normal to feel bad when you feel she's picking the toy over you.

My husband asked me when I first was curious about toys. I was not allowed to have them in my first marriage. So with him,

I've always been able to talk about anything. He had little experience with them too. But his thoughts were if I'm good enough she won't need them. He felt bad. He asked me "what can that toy do that I can't do" "what do you like about it"

And I had to stop and think because the only answer I had for him, which was an honest one was "because they're fun"

And they are. But he wanted specifics, because he's a logical man, and extremely intelligent and wants to always know the "why's"

So after thinking a day or so on it, I said it feels different than what you do. Not better, just different. I personally have a really hard time having an orgasm from just intercourse. Like a lot of women do. Once I found out how great it feels to use a bullet during intercourse, it was like a new world opened up for me.

I could be lazy, let the bullet do the work. I didn't have to use my hand, or ask him to use his. It was an "accessory"

Would I choose a bullet over his fingers? No way. The bullet is a mechanical thing. My husband is a warm human being.

Plus I could never connect emotionally or spiritually with a piece of metal.

Once he understood that it was not his replacement, he was ok with it. We were just discussing rabbits. I personally would prefer his penis and a bullet. They basically function together as a rabbit does, but his penis, hands down feels soooo much better. And it's the emotional connection.

I talk with my female friends about sex to get a different perspective, sometimes women need to talk to women, as much as men need to talk to men about things. But there isn't much I won't talk about with my husband. Sometimes I talk about it with a female friend first, more for my reassurance that whatever the issue is it's really not about me. If I can validate that she felt that way, or had that experience, then I get assured that I'm ok.

Yeah I would say, let her have her friend, but she also needs her husband as a friend.

Mine is my best friend. I can say things to him, do things in front of him that I'd never in a million years share with my best female friend.

Because you feel that she's your best friend, won't automatically make it so that you're her best friend, but in my opinion you should be, because like I said I feel my husband is my best friend.

I think you need to talk to her, no matter how uncomfortable you feel. Only she can tell you what's in her head.

But feel free to ask away on the forums here. There's lots of great advice to be had from people here.