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Keeping It Up Is Difficult


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As I indicated in my "get acquainted" intro, my wife and I are long-married and equally long-frustrated partners. We were naive when we married due to our inexperience with others. Besides, we grew up in repressing atmospheres where no one talked about sexual issues and thus we were left on our own. Our early experiences were less than fun because we were so ignorant of what normal sexual relationships were to feel like or be like. As a result, after awhile we just settled in to what could be best described as mutual masturbation. There was little of the intimacy or closeness I wanted and needed and, after much recent discussion, I know she felt the same way.

For many years, we remained loyal to each other because we believed marriage was more commitment than sex, but we knew something just wasn't right and neither of us felt complete. Loyalty and commitment just can't replace intimacy so our marriage became one of convenience than anything else as we raised two adopted kids together. For a time, the missing ingredient coupled with an abusive childhood and some other events drove me to depression. My doctor prescribed anti-depressants which further lowered my interest in sex. Many couples would have split under such conditions, but we've hung in there.

I quit taking the meds and feel great -- except that I'm horney all the time. I vowed to restore the love my wife and I shared in the beginning. I wanted intimacy and a sense of genuine love. So...I determined to do something about it. While I was out of the country, my e-mails home indicated to my wife that I genuinely loved her and wanted to work on restoring what we had at the beginning. She replied that she was ready for some adventure involving just us! Over the past month and a half, my wife and I have shared more intimate conversations about what we want from each other physically. We both want the remaining years we have to be the best ones!

But in bed the frustration continues. Even though post-menopausal, she can get very wet and can experience some mind-blowing orgasms using our "old" techniques. She is, however, extremely tight and even one finger hurts even though she is determined we'll keep at it until she "stretches" a bit. But...I can't seem to sustain an erection. I'm trying some medical enhancers (Levitra is my latest experiment) but I'm still a "shrinking violet". I can get it up through manual manipulation, but when it comes time to penetrate I lose it.

I know you are all not doctors or "shrinks," but maybe you can offer some practical suggestions that we would find helpful. We are not going to give up but we're still looking for that wonderful expression of intimacy we've never known.


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It seems to be a combined issue of age induced Erectile Dysfunction and performance anxiety. What happens is, you are aroused, you get erect (either through manual or assistance from Levitra) and then once you get in and the tightness gets you, you sort of fear it is going to go down (cause it does a lot) and then, it does. The thing about Levitra and Cialis and Viagra, is that they help get the blood flowing to your penis, but they do not guarantee an erection if there are other issues.

My suggestion: try Cialis (it has a different affect than Levitra, and it can be used for sex any time in a 3-day window), also, try to use some sex toys to get her a little stretched out (it is a post menapausal issue) and when she is feeling loosened up, then insert your penis. The longer you wait to insert it, the better it will be for you. I would also suggest some nights of manual stimulation without medications, where you mutually masturbate each other. The issue with ED is it becomes a psychological issue more than a performance issue - and it all ties together. Try to eliminate the fear of 'failure' by taking the pressure of sex off the table.

It is great that you want to continue to satisfy your wife and that you are searching for help here - it is the first step in repairing and reigniting your sex life!

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