A Gift For My Wife!

[pappyld04]

A Gift for my Wife Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their

anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's

Pistol

& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th

anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife

Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to

retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the

device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing

and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,

that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at

the

same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth

between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to

explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There

I

sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really

needed

to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I

thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought

better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this

thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat

in

a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched

delicately

on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a

major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly

make

your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst

longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while

I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4

inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy

triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened

next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting

there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to

say,

'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a

tiny

little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a

one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked

thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .. WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura

ran

in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body

slammed

us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall

waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both

nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked

under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat

was

making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a

picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second

burst

would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A

minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed

the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the

fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from

where

it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently

I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell

was

gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from

my

hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant

reward

for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly

threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being

stupid.'

[toohotcatmom]

Stupidity reigns!!!! ROTFLMAO!

[thunderchild]

I was crying reading that so funny!!!! :lol: :lol:

[ladylove]

To Funny!