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Okay, here's the deal. I have been invited to a 3 some with some friends. Problem is, the curiosity is there, and part of me really wants to try it. But then, reality hits and I am too chicken. I am too scared! I have been close before to doing it years ago, my best friend had his girl over but I didn't like her to begin with, but when she pulled off her shirt, I got up and left the room. I still get ribbed to this day about it. But I have dreams and fantasys of actually doing it, and I really would like to, but I have a problem with bj's and anything near my mouth. She can go down and do all she wants, but I am afraid I will not be able to return the favor. I don't have a problem with the guy, and he thinks it is a black/white issue, but it isn't. How do I overcome this fear? Close my eyes and do it anyway? I am very curious to try it, just too damned chicken, and it makes me mad!

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I think you are really asking two questions here. One is how to overcome your fear of giving head to a man, and the second is how do you get the courage to try a 3-some. How do you summon up your courage to try anything new? If you can answer that, you have the answer.

3-somes are difficult at best. I have not had the experience, but have talked to several people who have. The ones who claimed to have had a successful encounter had been lovers with both other parties as individuals before putting all three people together. IF you are not into lesbian sex, it is not going to work. If you are not into heterosexual sex, it is not going to work( with the man and women you mention.)

Now, as to oral sex, you are probably making more of this mentally than any physical problem that may exist. My wife was trained to give oral sex by her roommate coaching her with a banana. She taught her how to lift her head back to open her throat, and then use the banana, with the skin on, to train her throat, and overcome the gag reflex. It took several weeks of practice, with much laughter and encouragement from her Arlene, but she soon learned how to such a cock, and to do " Deep Throat ". Only then did she learn that very few men can even dream of having a penis the size of a banana! taking a cock down her throat was easy by comparison, and she enjoyed the power she felt doing this to men. She liked to take them all the way down her throat, and then stick her tongue out and lick their balls. The first time she did that to me, it was HELLO! Wow, what an unusual surprise for me!

I know another woman who did not give head, and went through a divorce over the issue. She finally learned to give head and enjoy it when a girlfriend got her drunk, and then picked up a guy at the bar, and took him home. They stripped the guy down, and put him on his back in her bed. She told my friend to get on one side of him, and she got on the other side. They played, " Follow the leader ", with his cock, with the other woman first licking it, and then having my friend lick it the same way on the othe side. He was able to get it up, but was too drunk to contribute much to the effort. By this way, she learned not only what to do, and how to do it, but she heard his reactions to what they were doing, and understood for the first time in her life, the power women have over men when they give head. She had a date a couple of days later with another guy, and did him that night. She told me later that she thought that was the very first time she actually had fun having sex with a man! Then she laughed, and said, " If only my first husband could have seen me the other night! He would have been so pissed!"

You don't give us a clue as to why you are shy about having things in your mouth or even around it. If someone forced you to do oral sex, that was a crime, and you were the victim. That is not what you will be experiencing when you give head voluntarily to pleasure someone you love. It really does make all the difference in the world.

And that leads me to my last advice. The real problem with 3 somes is that while you may love one of the parties, it is very rare for you to be able to really love both of them. Without love, 3-some sex just becomes an orchestrated masturbation session, and it is not as much fun as it could be. Many very sexually active people decide that that kind of sex is just not for them, and probably never will be something they want to try. So, don't be pressured into doing a 3-some with anyone just because someone wants you to be involved. Know yourself, and what turns you on. Know what makes you happy. If you are uncomfortable with another woman in the bed, tell your guy so, and give him a choice. She leaves or I leave. You didn't tell us enough to understand what the " Black/White " issue is all about, so I won't comment, other than to say that racial identity is becoming less and less an issue these days, but can still affect your reputation if you live in a community where bigotry thrives. More than 30 years ago, I married an American of Japanese Ancestry, and we were the victims of racial prejudice, and jealousy by the wives of other professionals who resented my wife because she was also a profession. My family did not have any problems with the fact that my wife was non-white, but her family had members who were not happy that she was marrying outside her race. This is not necessarily going to be an issue if you are just dating someone, but bigotry can and does raise its ugly head when you least expect it. As long as you know there is a price to pay, then deal with it. But, don't let some guy talk you into having sex, or a 3-some to prove you are not a bigot! You have nothing to prove to anyone on that score.

Yes, there has been acts forced on me orally, in which, my trust level is shattered to a point of not trusting anyone. I don't like not having control and the even slightest mention of restraints make me feel panicky. I know that is where some of my hang ups come from and it isn't fair to who ever I happen to be with, but I don't know how to get past a lot of it. As for the other subject I asked about, my last husband was a heavy smoker ( I am not), and he ate more salt on his food, than there was actually food there it seemed. Just made for a bad taste combo to begin with.

On the 3 some issue, the black/white issue is that the guy is black and the girl is white. His race does not bother me at all, I have never been one to let someone's color or nationality determine my feelings. Alot of my issues are coming from my lack of trust in people. I have been hurt, and have been a very bad marriage, abusive-emotionally, physically, sexually. My husband is currently in jail, looking at multiple life sentences for rape, sodomy, and child molestation to 2 minors. Do I think he did it? Don't know for sure but some of the things that the 14 said he did and said are some of the same things he has done to me and said. He also told her she was special because she allowed him to do what I wouldn't. And she named those things off correctly. There was no way she could have known about some of it. I love sex, and I do enjoy it, but I miss it very much. My curiosity is high in many areas, but I just have a hard time being able to let my guard down and putting my trust in someone. I am very self concious and tend to embarrass very easily.

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I am sorry about these experiences you have had to deal with. Finding people you can trust is always difficult. You may need to see a counselor to deal with all this. Its an expense you must afford. If you can't most states have local mental health programs that use a sliding scale for fees based on your income. Check around, and find out what is available to you. But, please get some help.

I made some suggestions on how you can change the way you are now. I can't MAKE you change. If you don't want to change, then there is nothing anyone can do to help you. As Dr. Phil says so frequently to people, " How is that working for you? " IF doing nothing is not making you happier, then maybe you need to do SOMETHING else. But, it is your life, and your decision. When you decide you want to change, please let us know. I wish I could waive a majic wand over your email and everything will be better for you, but it doesn't work that way for any of us. Get rid of this abusive husband, whether he is convicted of the crimes he is charged with or not. You don't need him in your life. No one likes to contemplate a divorce, but it is the best solution in many cases like yours. Get it done.

Then go out and meet people who share you interests and passions. If you don't have hobbies, why not? Park Districts, churchs, and private clubs sponsor classes and programs on all kinds of things. Certainly something you have seen or heard about strikes your interest. Pursue them. If you find something you like to do, and are good at, it will lead you to meet people of similar interests, and you will find people you can learn to trust because of that one fact alone. Pursue several interests and you will make lots of friends and find more people to trust. Along the way, you will learn how to separate those people you can trust, and those you can't and find your own tests to use to tell the difference.

Then you will be ready to start dating again, if you want to do so. And you will date on your own terms, and say " NO" to anyone who crosses your lines. Eventually, you will meet some man who respects you, and loves you, and you will respect and love, and want to change your sexual behaviors in order to pleasure him. Sex is adult play, and it requires two people who love and respect each other, and want to enjoy sex as a special intimacy, and not just a way to gain a biological release. There is nothing wrong with masturbation, but making love can be so much more than just that. It sounds like you married a guy who doesn't understand that simple fact, and, you may not fully understand that either. We all have to teach and train our lovers how to pleasure us, and we have to be willing and interested in learning how to pleasure them in return. The education is part of the fun, or should be. Men should never think that love making involves only cuming once for themselves, and women should demand and expect men to stay around for a second erection, and more love making while that occurs, and afterwards, of course. Women should expect to enjoy foreplay and orgasms from manual and oral sex, just as men enjoy such orgasms. And, all this should occur before intercourse takes place, when the parties want to spend the time really making love. If time is a factor, then a " Quickie" is called for, but one of the true secrets about sex is that " Quickies" are so much better after a couple learns how to really make love together.

If you try the things I told you about above, you will learn that oral sex is sex you control, and not something done to violate you. You are on top, you are holding the jewels, you are giving the pleasure with your lips, throat and tongue, hands, and fingers, and you can decide when or if the man orgasms or not, and when it happens. You decide if you want him to cum in your mouth, or your throat, or in your hand, etc. But, foremost is the fact that with oral sex on men, YOU DECIDE! You are no longer a victim.

So, decide if and when you want to change, and then do something about it. We will be here to help answer questions. Best of luck to you.

Well, I am already working on step 1 off the situation. I have a restraining order and after it is in effect for 4 months, legal aid will grant me a divorce uncontested. And I got evrything and he cannot contest. as for the rest, in due time.

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