Newbie somethingsweet Posted July 18, 2008 Newbie Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 I have been reading on this website for sometime now, I have read almost every article and still cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I had never had an orgasm until I started reading the articles and ordering product from this website. Then (the clouds parted) I experienced my first orgasm from masturbation. But...It seems that I will begin to orgasm and then for some ungodly reason I supress it! The last time my husband went down on me everything was going good and I was helping direct him what to do and what I liked and I was right there and then I just couldn't complete the Orgasm! What is wrong with me? I do not want to supress the orgasm, but it's like I just can't help it!! Any suggestions or help is always appreciated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amylynn920 Posted July 18, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 I fully agree with Iha. Sometimes this still happens to me during oral. I hold back. Because I'm afraid of the ejaculating for me which is something I need to get over. So I "reign" in the orgasm. Or I feel I've taken so long and the focus is now on me, so I just stop. Or I just *lose* it and need to start over. We need to sometimes give ourselves permission for enjoyment. With a loving, caring partner you CAN work through this and start having some mind blowing orgasms. Trust me. Keep at it, and keep the lines of communication open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted July 18, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Iha is right on as usual. Anxiety can strike at any time, any place and even when you think you are not anxious! My suggestion - spend some more relaxing, no pressure, quality masturbation time. Our bodies are meant to be exercises in all different ways - this includes masturbation. When we masturbate we become more sexually heightened and aware. When we are more aware it is overall easier to be pleasured and become accustomed to the arousal feelings. Spend more time getting to know your body. Also, try having your hubby go down on you, and then stop, kiss, caress, move on, then go back to the oral sex. SOmetimes we lay there, thinking....and thinking....and he is doing and doing and we are thinking....and thinking ....and can't get there! Try to relax and take your mind off it. It really is that simple (which isn't simple at all!)While the book Iha mentions can be helpful in sexual connection - I am not quite sure that reading any book will help you to totally connect to your own sexuality. You sort of have to find that within yourself! Allow yourself the pleasure of being pleasured and pleasuring another - put it in your mind to work on it, then do. It will come...I am sure of it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted July 18, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 It seems to me that the communication is there since you are willing to help him please you so that cannot be it. Books may give you further help but I doubt they will solve the problem. Anxiety seems very a likely culprit but along with this I have to wonder if you are afraid of your partners reaction if you enjoy it more than you normally would. If you have fears that he would think you are a, excuse my expression here, slut or whore who could enjoy sex that much that could also be working against you. If you think good girls cannot or do not enjoy sex you are not only mistaken but you need to rethink that theory. Sex is about mutual pleasure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nosleepnmesa Posted July 23, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 I can't agree more with my fellow posters. Anxiety can hit at any time and moment. Along with life stressers. Sounds to me like your also afraid to let go and feel pleasure. Just a question for ya, I know years ago that there were things in my past that would float up and stop me from orgasm. I think a little soul searching to would help, see if you can possibley think of anything that would stop you from completely lettting go. Also seems like you may be trying to hard and then getting frustrated. I dont blame ya I would get that way to. Nothing is wrong with you at all hon.Explore your body more, spend time with you and learning to relax and completely enjoy what is going on without anything else getting in the way.Best wishes!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted July 23, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 Lots of great advice above. I was in a similar situation at one time. I would add that you should practice, practice, practice. If you are fairly new to reaching orgasm, practice on your own as much as you can. It will probably get easier alone and then with your SO ( in my experience). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted July 23, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 23, 2008 I have been reading on this website for sometime now, I have read almost every article and still cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I had never had an orgasm until I started reading the articles and ordering product from this website. Then (the clouds parted) I experienced my first orgasm from masturbation. But...It seems that I will begin to orgasm and then for some ungodly reason I supress it! The last time my husband went down on me everything was going good and I was helping direct him what to do and what I liked and I was right there and then I just couldn't complete the Orgasm! What is wrong with me? I do not want to supress the orgasm, but it's like I just can't help it!! Any suggestions or help is always appreciated!Boy oh boy I remember feeling just like that! Like everyone said RELAX I know it is easier said than done but whatever it takes to relax and really let go DO IT! I know what you mean you feel it build and build and then fade right? At some point you will figure it out. I cant explain it completely but it does have to do with anxiety. I have been married for 13 years and it still happens sometimes! Try taking deep breaths. Focus on the feeling rather than the act. Hopefully that will help. Just don't give up! You are capable and you will get there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members brianmichele Posted August 27, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2008 I recently had been having trouble having an orgasm during sex with hubby. I felt like I would be right on top of an orgasm, but not getting over the hump and having the relaxed feeling. I felt like I was holding back, but not on purpose. I tried Viva and although we were using a toy, I came quicker than I have ever come during sex. If anyone is having trouble I would suggest Viva. I am going to get more. Hopefully it keeps working the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tkla Posted August 27, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2008 I am not a woman, so take my comments as such:I'd disagree in advising on focus on sensation. I'd point to a lack of attenuation, or 'connection' between the two lovers. In fact, over focus on sensation can lead to the very sexual dysfunction of getting close and not achieving. The relaxation part is right, though; and when lovers are connected at a deep emotive level, that relaxation is effortless. What would the problem be if you lover, once you indicated you were at such a frustrating point, backed off of your clitoris and tenderly gazed into your eyes, gently stroked your breasts, and began the arousal process over again? That would be fun for both of you, and presses you to 're-connect'. Lots of everyday, committed folks have sex without ever really connecting during the sex act. Over time, this creates a multitude of possibilities for sexual dysfunctions.There are two 'thresholds' in sex: the arousal threshold, and the orgasm threshold. Most folks settle for 'just good enough' arousal, meaning an erection that can penetrate, and enough lubrication for penetration. 'Just good enough' arousal may not be enough to cross the orgasmic threshold (especially for women). The cure is higher quality in the arousal stage. This can be achieved in ever more creative ways, and with an eye to variety. But of course, it takes willing partners to do the work needed, and yes, it is work.Thanks for all the great tips!! I also have this problem...I'm hoping with time I can overcome this as well. Thanks for all the great advise everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted August 27, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2008 I am not a woman, so take my comments as such:I'd disagree in advising on focus on sensation. I'd point to a lack of attenuation, or 'connection' between the two lovers. In fact, over focus on sensation can lead to the very sexual dysfunction of getting close and not achieving. The relaxation part is right, though; and when lovers are connected at a deep emotive level, that relaxation is effortless.Sorry Iha, I am speaking from my personal experience. It would be ideal if everyone could focus on all the romance and love and flowers and rainbows but sometimes it isn't enough. For me I can start out that way but then I need to focus on what I am feeling, how his touch is making me feel. It becomes erotic in my mind and helps me to get more aroused. In the past I was so insecure that I couldn't even focus on him. I would keep my eyes shut and transport myself somewhere else. Like say in a movie, imagining myself as someone sexy etc because in my mind I was not. Some people even fantasize about someone else or some other sexual situation the entire time they are having sex!! Things are different now and this is what works for me. I have come a long way from being dysfunctional because of this new mindset. Although we are not perfect, we are connected like never before. It's fine to disagree, everyone is different. Everyone gives different advice from what works for them. Frankly, your insinuation that maybe we aren't connected or even dysfunctional really hurts my feelings. I feel compelled to defend myself because it is not the case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted August 28, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2008 For me, there's usually a point when it's nearly impossible to do any eye gazing or really thinking anything except maybe "Oh My God!" I think if I tried to switch gears at that point and connect or whatever, the feeling would be lost. A lot of the emotional connecting comes before and after that point in my experience. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted August 28, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2008 Thank you Iha Thank you for clarifying. I appreciate you!I'm sorry you misunderstood me and my intent, or that you felt I was insinuating anything about your relationship, I was expressing an alternative view of the same problem. Certainly personal experiences are just that...personal. You need not defend yourself from me, as I was not commenting about you, but one possible source of the problem of not being able to achieve orgasm during partnered sex.I am not especially suggesting 'romance, love, flowers, and rainbows' is a solution (in fact, aggressive, sweaty passion with a spanking can be just as emotionally connected), but the very connection that you are speaking about later in your comment. In fact, you affirm what I am saying, when you state that you focus on 'how his touch is making me feel'....the emotional (as well as sensual/sexual) connection likely exists between you in that touch: you said 'his' touch...meaning not simply the sensation, but WHO is giving you the sensation. For some, they focus so fully on the 'goal' of the orgasm, that they miss out on that connection and build up of energy between them...resulting in an inability to orgasm. Believe it or not, this happens to guys, too. You mention anxiety as being another source, and I believe you are quite right. most people do not realize how much anxiety they are holding when they have sex, because it has been there for so long. The sources and treatments for that anxiety are legion, and a whole other topic, but I would say that it almost always has something to do with the 'space' between the partners (MY relationship included!)It is true that many folks are not really 'with' the person who they are having sex with (this is not to insinuate anything about you or any one else reading this post!). In MY personal experience, even the best sexual performance becomes simple masturbation if the person I am having sex with is not 'with' me during the sex. For me, orgasm with a deeper emotional and spiritual connection is far more deeply satisfying than imagining sex with Shannia Twain while I'm having sex with my wife. And I do, of course, fully understand and accept that having sex with someone in your head when having sex with your SO is a reality (and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.)Everyone is dysfunctional to some degree, and I certainly claim my fair share of 'sexual dysfunction'. Please understand that the things I have to share are not meant as accusations or admonitions to any poster, but are given with a genuine spirit of wanting to help. I try to keep an attitude that even good relationships can get better, and there is always room for great sex to become fantastic sex.The last thing this gentleman would ever want to do is to insult, offend, or hurt a lady. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cmwise1 Posted August 28, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2008 VB, you should try it sometime..try to keep your eyes open and focused on the other partner the entire time you are having sex. It is hard to do. I think it is because we are very vulnerable in that state, and also because we tend to close our eyes to focus on sensations. It's like meditation...trying to keep your awareness of your body and it's sensations and your connection to the other person going at the same time. It is marvelous if you can get it to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted August 28, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2008 VB, you should try it sometime..try to keep your eyes open and focused on the other partner the entire time you are having sex. It is hard to do. I think it is because we are very vulnerable in that state, and also because we tend to close our eyes to focus on sensations. It's like meditation...trying to keep your awareness of your body and it's sensations and your connection to the other person going at the same time. It is marvelous if you can get it to work.I have tried but I'll try harder. Just for you Pinky! I'll let ya know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted September 2, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 OK, I tried again. Here's what I found. I did bring myself back from the brink of orgasm a couple of times by commanding myself not to let my eyes close or roll back. But you know what I got in return? More smiles. I think it was worth it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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