What Would Happen If You Were Given Permission....

[Tyger]

So, I got this idea from Lifetime's The Starter Wife. This "older" couple, maybe in their late 60's or so (hard to judge that stuff in Hollywood), where, the man, who's probably a bit older than the wife, gives his wife permission to have an affair, and will be fine with it all, so long as she doesn't fall in love.

The wife's reaction was "Either I am the most unattractive woman alive, or you really don't care for me anymore." The man's response was that they were at different stages in their lives, and he was comfortable with the lack of sex.

So, what would YOU do if your spouse said you were free to have an affair, for whatever reason?

[sun_flower969]

Well guess what. I WAS given permission! My husband had an affair on me. It was an awful ordeal. Anyway while we were working through and trying to rebuild he told me that if I wanted to go and sleep with someone else to be "even" he would completely understand and gave me permission to do it! His thinking was that I would feel like I was having revenge and giving him the deserved punishment that I had suffered unjustly. Now while I could be tempted just like anyone else. I said NO. I just feel that it would only make matters worse. Adding to the complications of the infidelity at hand. I mean we were trying to fix things between us not bring in another problem. I had such a hard time with what he did. I feel if I were to go do it too, not only would I be just as bad but how would he deal with it. He is already jealous. I think it would have been a sure fire way to make sure our marriage fell apart completely. We are completely devoted to each other now. I have no desire to be with anyone else. Nor does he I can confidently say. We both know what we stand to lose and it is a risk neither of us is willing to take.

[pappyld04]

Sun you made a wise choice!

[ohshelly]

If my Sweetguy gave me that option, I would be heartbroken.

[sun_flower969]

Sun you made a wise choice!

Thanks! I wonder what others will say about this topic... It sure can be tempting but I think it also says a lot about a person's integrity and commitment to the other. Depending on their choice.

[Mikayla1]

I agree, if MM gave me that option, I would be totally heartbroken.

I wouldn't do it, even if it was 'justified.'

[Shariana]

I would never EVER act on that. I would be afraid that my SO would feel that it was ok for him to act the same.

[zakdad]

Niether of us would do this. Now, we will have playmates once in a while, but only with both of us involved! It's been quite a while since we have done that and aren't really looking for anyone right now, anyway.

[synirr]

I'd take that as a cue that something had gone really wrong with the relationship and we need to discuss it. I wouldn't say I'd be "heartbroken" until I found out what the underlying issue was, but definitely shocked.

[Orlando]

I was on the other end of one of these situations. I got sexually involved with a woman about 5 years older than me - we were basically toys for each other. It lasted about 2 years. She said her husband knew about it and was OK with it, but I was skeptical and kind of avoided being around him. At a christmas party he came up to me and told me how happy he was that his wife and I were having sex a couple times a week. Said he'd never seen her happier. He said he liked me, was glad it was me that his wife was sleeping with, and wanted to be friends with me (which I kinda took as a warm-up to suggesting a three-some). The three of us started having breakfast together. She and I would come from spending the night at my house and meet hubby in a restaurant, talk, and chit-chat like old friends. I was never totally comfortable with it. I'm sitting there thinking, "Damn, 20 minutes ago I was balls deep in your wife and we all know it and now we're talking about the stock market." The sex was "adventurous" and fun but I met someone and fell in love. The sex with my SO was just so much more satisfying, of course then I ended it with the toy.

[sun_flower969]

I was on the other end of one of these situations. I got sexually involved with a woman about 5 years older than me - we were basically toys for each other. It lasted about 2 years. She said her husband knew about it and was OK with it, but I was skeptical and kind of avoided being around him. At a christmas party he came up to me and told me how happy he was that his wife and I were having sex a couple times a week. Said he'd never seen her happier. He said he liked me, was glad it was me that his wife was sleeping with, and wanted to be friends with me (which I kinda took as a warm-up to suggesting a three-some). The three of us started having breakfast together. She and I would come from spending the night at my house and meet hubby in a restaurant, talk, and chit-chat like old friends. I was never totally comfortable with it. I'm sitting there thinking, "Damn, 20 minutes ago I was balls deep in your wife and we all know it and now we're talking about the stock market." The sex was "adventurous" and fun but I met someone and fell in love. The sex with my SO was just so much more satisfying, of course then I ended it with the toy.

Wow that's nuts!

[ladylove]

Well guess what. I WAS given permission! My husband had an affair on me. It was an awful ordeal. Anyway while we were working through and trying to rebuild he told me that if I wanted to go and sleep with someone else to be "even" he would completely understand and gave me permission to do it! His thinking was that I would feel like I was having revenge and giving him the deserved punishment that I had suffered unjustly. Now while I could be tempted just like anyone else. I said NO. I just feel that it would only make matters worse. Adding to the complications of the infidelity at hand. I mean we were trying to fix things between us not bring in another problem. I had such a hard time with what he did. I feel if I were to go do it too, not only would I be just as bad but how would he deal with it. He is already jealous. I think it would have been a sure fire way to make sure our marriage fell apart completely. We are completely devoted to each other now. I have no desire to be with anyone else. Nor does he I can confidently say. We both know what we stand to lose and it is a risk neither of us is willing to take.

Sun you are a wise women.

If my Husband gave me permission to have an affair, I would be wounded to the core. I don't think I would understand under any circumstance; But I could never find the malice or reason to break my marriage vows for any reason. I feel very strongly about that....

[froggystyle1977]

If I were given permission to have an affair I would know something was horribly wrong as my hubby is one of the most jealous people I have ever met. I would know he had already cheated or wanted to!!

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

Since our family is different, I come from a different perspective so this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's a semantics issue...

"Affair" is defined as any matter, event, or happening, but all Americans understand the connotation of an affair is of the extramarital variety and most often seen as "cheating."

No one likes to be cheated on, and I can say from experience the person who has remained faithful while the other is out filandering has a lot of heartache and pondering to work through. After 18 years of monogomy, Big and I opened our marriage to another couple. My Temptress calls us "quadnogomous." Big's parents still see us as "sinful" in the eys of the church, but the decisions we've made have been mutual with openness and honesty.

So when you say your mate "gave permission" to have an "affair" of course it sounds awful. As SunFLower said, an affair to "even the score" is nothing but a way to make a bad situation worse, but what if a mate is expressing a desire to move into another realm? Believe it or not, there are a lot of people in the world who have managed to move beyond the confines of irrational jealousy to create a larger expression of love.

When a couple chooses to have another child, very few question the ethics or morality of expanding a circle of love from a parental perspective because we're conditioned by society to accept this. But when a couple chooses by mutual decision to add eros love to their relationship, ethics and morality are not only questioned, but used as judgement.

At no time have I ever been given permission, nor have I given permission for one of my partners to "have an affair." But we all understand no one person can meet all your needs, and to expect any one person to fill all your gaps is not only illogical, it puts a lot of pressure on the other person. I personally do not want to be someone else's 'everything," nor do I want any one person bearing the weight of all my needs.

Just something to think about...

~LG

[vanilla_bean]

I would wonder where my REAL husband was!

[johnwilliams15241]

Wow what a topic,I think if someone gives permission its something out of guilt or it

could just be a fantasy,it all depends on the situation...swinging on the other hand

is both partners in or out of the same room,my last girlfriend and I got into

swinging,we would meet other couples on line,go to hotels with double beds and

switch partners,it was soo much fun trying something new, having all types of sex with other people ,

different ages,races,sizes,it was incredible non stop fun,like being in a candy store ..but ended up getting

out of it because a married woman I was with would pull my condom off and a few

times I completed not knowing it was missing and ended up knocking a married

woman up,her husband was happy about it,they always wanted a baby,lucky for me

they were well off didn't want support,I never saw them again...everything in life has risks...

[thurisas]

Since our family is different, I come from a different perspective so this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's a semantics issue...

"Affair" is defined as any matter, event, or happening, but all Americans understand the connotation of an affair is of the extramarital variety and most often seen as "cheating."

No one likes to be cheated on, and I can say from experience the person who has remained faithful while the other is out filandering has a lot of heartache and pondering to work through. After 18 years of monogomy, Big and I opened our marriage to another couple. My Temptress calls us "quadnogomous." Big's parents still see us as "sinful" in the eys of the church, but the decisions we've made have been mutual with openness and honesty.

So when you say your mate "gave permission" to have an "affair" of course it sounds awful. As SunFLower said, an affair to "even the score" is nothing but a way to make a bad situation worse, but what if a mate is expressing a desire to move into another realm? Believe it or not, there are a lot of people in the world who have managed to move beyond the confines of irrational jealousy to create a larger expression of love.

When a couple chooses to have another child, very few question the ethics or morality of expanding a circle of love from a parental perspective because we're conditioned by society to accept this. But when a couple chooses by mutual decision to add eros love to their relationship, ethics and morality are not only questioned, but used as judgement.

At no time have I ever been given permission, nor have I given permission for one of my partners to "have an affair." But we all understand no one person can meet all your needs, and to expect any one person to fill all your gaps is not only illogical, it puts a lot of pressure on the other person. I personally do not want to be someone else's 'everything," nor do I want any one person bearing the weight of all my needs.

Just something to think about...

~LG

This is a very enlightened, open-minded way of looking at things completely unfettered by social stigma and religious

hang-ups. The world needs more people like you and your partners. I love the analogy of love for new children to the love of new partners. Never thought of that before.

Randy.

[hotgirlydragon]

There would be now way I could have done it...

Im going throught a devorce and I cant even think of going on a date or anything because i still fell married.

[sun_flower969]

Since our family is different, I come from a different perspective so this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's a semantics issue...

"Affair" is defined as any matter, event, or happening, but all Americans understand the connotation of an affair is of the extramarital variety and most often seen as "cheating."

No one likes to be cheated on, and I can say from experience the person who has remained faithful while the other is out filandering has a lot of heartache and pondering to work through. After 18 years of monogomy, Big and I opened our marriage to another couple. My Temptress calls us "quadnogomous." Big's parents still see us as "sinful" in the eys of the church, but the decisions we've made have been mutual with openness and honesty.

So when you say your mate "gave permission" to have an "affair" of course it sounds awful. As SunFLower said, an affair to "even the score" is nothing but a way to make a bad situation worse, but what if a mate is expressing a desire to move into another realm? Believe it or not, there are a lot of people in the world who have managed to move beyond the confines of irrational jealousy to create a larger expression of love.

When a couple chooses to have another child, very few question the ethics or morality of expanding a circle of love from a parental perspective because we're conditioned by society to accept this. But when a couple chooses by mutual decision to add eros love to their relationship, ethics and morality are not only questioned, but used as judgement.

At no time have I ever been given permission, nor have I given permission for one of my partners to "have an affair." But we all understand no one person can meet all your needs, and to expect any one person to fill all your gaps is not only illogical, it puts a lot of pressure on the other person. I personally do not want to be someone else's 'everything," nor do I want any one person bearing the weight of all my needs.

Just something to think about...

~LG

So interesting your family/life! I totally respect you guys! You really have to be able to break down some barriers to live like you do! Kudos!!! Do you watch "Big Love" on HBO? I <3 that show!

[whitefang2002]

So, I got this idea from Lifetime's The Starter Wife. This "older" couple, maybe in their late 60's or so (hard to judge that stuff in Hollywood), where, the man, who's probably a bit older than the wife, gives his wife permission to have an affair, and will be fine with it all, so long as she doesn't fall in love.

The wife's reaction was "Either I am the most unattractive woman alive, or you really don't care for me anymore." The man's response was that they were at different stages in their lives, and he was comfortable with the lack of sex.

So, what would YOU do if your spouse said you were free to have an affair, for whatever reason?

If I were given permission because of the above reason....I wouldn't do it. I would feel horrible!!! I know I would hate myself for doing it. I am a very jealous person and so is SO. And if he ever had an affair ... like most here, I would be heart broken!

Now swinging is a completely differnt thing. I wouldn't classify that as having an affair...and besides im way to jealous right now to let any one else in our relationship. lol.

And Sun...you are remarkable! I look up to you for that. I know thats what I would do, I just haven't been faced with something like this and hope never to....but im guessing its so much harder when it really happens then what it seems in your head. I know it would tear me apart. So glad that you chose to stand up and say no.

[sun_flower969]

If I were given permission because of the above reason....I wouldn't do it. I would feel horrible!!! I know I would hate myself for doing it. I am a very jealous person and so is SO. And if he ever had an affair ... like most here, I would be heart broken!

Now swinging is a completely differnt thing. I wouldn't classify that as having an affair...and besides im way to jealous right now to let any one else in our relationship. lol.

And Sun...you are remarkable! I look up to you for that. I know thats what I would do, I just haven't been faced with something like this and hope never to....but im guessing its so much harder when it really happens then what it seems in your head. I know it would tear me apart. So glad that you chose to stand up and say no.

Thanks WF It is gut wrenchingly awful. I always said, If that ever happened I would be GONE SO FAST and I meant it! When it really happens and you are staring it in the face it is so much different. So many emotions to sort out, decisions to make. I hate to say it too having kids makes it harder. I wonder if I would have acted differently if I didn't have any. I mean my feelings for him would be the same but you just feel freer without having to put them into the equation I guess.

[ladylove]

Thanks WF It is gut wrenchingly awful. I always said, If that ever happened I would be GONE SO FAST and I meant it! When it really happens and you are staring it in the face it is so much different. So many emotions to sort out, decisions to make. I hate to say it too having kids makes it harder. I wonder if I would have acted differently if I didn't have any. I mean my feelings for him would be the same but you just feel freer without having to put them into the equation I guess.

I don't know first hand, but I think it's everything, the history, commitment, and breaking up a family that make it harder. But when it come down to is if you really love that person still.

[tmmc]

I've have to tell him "Sorry, you're my husband, not my pimp"

[ohshelly]

Thanks WF It is gut wrenchingly awful. I always said, If that ever happened I would be GONE SO FAST and I meant it! When it really happens and you are staring it in the face it is so much different. So many emotions to sort out, decisions to make. I hate to say it too having kids makes it harder. I wonder if I would have acted differently if I didn't have any. I mean my feelings for him would be the same but you just feel freer without having to put them into the equation I guess.

After being married for 27 years, my husband cheated on me. The kids where grown, we where finacially stable and lived a nice life.

I thought we where set. I might have worked on the marriage, but then I found he had moved

some of our money around, trying to hide it I guess, and had done a couple of other underhanded things.

That was the end, the trust was gone and never coming back.

At the time I was crushed, to say the least. I cried, didn't sleep, threw up constantly. Total mess.

Once I got my act together and started through the divorce process, I got so much stronger then I ever had to be.

By the time it was final, I was anticipating my new life, and I have been so much happier since.

If my kids where young, tho, who knows, it prob. would have tugged at my heartstrings, and I would have worked harder.

You did the right thing, Sunny, esp. if he is willing to do his part in keeping the marriage intact.

[sun_flower969]

After being married for 27 years, my husband cheated on me. The kids where grown, we where finacially stable and lived a nice life.

I thought we where set. I might have worked on the marriage, but then I found he had moved

some of our money around, trying to hide it I guess, and had done a couple of other underhanded things.

That was the end, the trust was gone and never coming back.

At the time I was crushed, to say the least. I cried, didn't sleep, threw up constantly. Total mess.

Once I got my act together and started through the divorce process, I got so much stronger then I ever had to be.

By the time it was final, I was anticipating my new life, and I have been so much happier since.

If my kids where young, tho, who knows, it prob. would have tugged at my heartstrings, and I would have worked harder.

You did the right thing, Sunny, esp. if he is willing to do his part in keeping the marriage intact.

So sorry you had to endure that... I assume he did not want to do his part. I reacted the exact same as you.I couldn't eat either AND I was 5 months pregnant. I think I had a nervous breakdown. It was the most awful experience of my life. Even compared to losing my mother... Bar none. It still affects me now. I have trouble trusting him, but it is getting easier as he is proving himself all the time. Sometimes I have doubts as well (as some of my friends here know ) but I am at the point where I can say, "it was a mistake, he regrets it and he is a different person now". I have to say this to myself a lot sometimes. He is my best friend I can't imagine life without him.

Sleeping with someone else would not have made anything better. Not even a little bit. Because after the fact you have to deal with the consequences. Those don't just go away!