Having "the Talk" With Your Spouse

[ToyQueen]

I was talking to a friend today about having a conversation with a spouse about sexual issues. We discussed being outside the bedroom, with clothes on--maybe having a nice dinner.

But the question came up---How do you start the conversation? What is the phrase that you use to bring up sensitive issues? Or what do you do? I don't think there are wrong answers here, but I'm interested in how you all do this in your relationships.

[thurisas]

Honesty is the best policy. Start by saying that you need to sit down and have a talk about some sensitive problems that have been bugging you. After you get that initial part out of the way its best to try to set up some ground rules so everyone gets to say their thoughts without interruption and then answer questions after all was said.

The place you choose should be neutral. There should be no sexual tension other than what might be created by the topic. Each party has to be honest and open to actually listening to what the other has to say.

Randy.

[sun_flower969]

I was talking to a friend today about having a conversation with a spouse about sexual issues. We discussed being outside the bedroom, with clothes on--maybe having a nice dinner.

But the question came up---How do you start the conversation? What is the phrase that you use to bring up sensitive issues? Or what do you do? I don't think there are wrong answers here, but I'm interested in how you all do this in your relationships.

Funny I recently had the same conversation with my friend... Except that, sadly, over a month has gone by and she has not brought it up...

For me I usually will start the conversation with, "I was thinking" Or "I need to talk to you" or "something has been on my mind lately" and go from there. An important thing to remember in these conversations is to talk about how YOU feel and not accuse or point the finger at them. Otherwise the conversation could get ugly and the other person may get defensive on you and NO ONE wants that! We usually try to do this over the phone while he is driving home or after the kids are in bed. So little ears will not hear...

[firesplat]

personally anytime I hear the words "We need to talk" my mind starts to panic and go on the defensive.

[ohshelly]

personally anytime I hear the words "We need to talk" my mind starts to panic and go on the defensive.

Interesting, because my brain does the same thing. How do you suggest the conversation start?

What would be reassuring and non confrontational to you? Let us know.

I usually start out by saying (gently and lovingly) to my S.O. 'Can I ask you something?'

That way, I am asking for his valued opinion, and we can discuss it from there. We have these conversations in the car sometimes,

but mostly laying face to face in bed in the dark, holding hands. Depends on how serious the issue is, I guess.

I am very lucky that sweetguy is open about things and honest to a fault. I admire him for that.

[sun_flower969]

personally anytime I hear the words "We need to talk" my mind starts to panic and go on the defensive.

My husband says the same thing... but hey what can you do? I guess it comes from previous bad talks...

[Mikayla1]

I find taking the question route works best. "Honey, what do you think about our sex life?" or "Honey, are you feeling sexually fullfilled?"

This can start the dialogue without putting the other person on the defensive.

[pappyld04]

personally anytime I hear the words "We need to talk" my mind starts to panic and go on the defensive.

Typical reaction IMO! I like Mikayla's ideas here. Many times I think the way we phrase things are more important than the actual question!

[ladylove]

Typical reaction IMO! I like Mikayla's ideas here. Many times I think the way we phrase things are more important than the actual question!

I agree with M and T and S. I usually start with a question also. Getting the others opinion on a sensitive subject first leaves him/her more open to the conversation; and you get an idea of what's in your SO head before you start.

[sass]

I don't have a spouse to have such talks with, but back when FWB still had benefits and we needed to have the big talk, I started with "do you think ...."

He is not the kind of guy who wants to talk about issues and I knew if I had said "we need to talk" - we never would have talked.

[SensualWoman]

I find taking the question route works best. "Honey, what do you think about our sex life?" or "Honey, are you feeling sexually fullfilled?"

This can start the dialogue without putting the other person on the defensive.

I have to totally agree! Unfortunately I'm a little too direct with my convo starters... *hits head*. Having a good and open minded relationship helps in not making anything awkward when it comes to sex issues for me, so there doesn't seem to be any huge convo starters on that specific conversation thankfully.

[ladylove]

The talks get easier and you will become bolder with time.

I've always said age give you a certain boldness, but in truth I think it's a maturation that happens though out time.....

[KentJ]

Have had this conversation inside the bedroom, outside of the bedroom and at the relationship therapists. The bottom line is that nothing good has come of it. I am going on year number 5 without having sex.

Problem is that I am a man of high moral fiber and I refuse to break my vows; eventhough my wife has broken hers by refusing to engage in sex.

Njoy

[ladylove]

Have had this conversation inside the bedroom, outside of the bedroom and at the relationship therapists. The bottom line is that nothing good has come of it. I am going on year number 5 without having sex.

Problem is that I am a man of high moral fiber and I refuse to break my vows; eventhough my wife has broken hers by refusing to engage in sex.

Njoy

she may have her own issues to deal with alone with the therapist. It is my opinion alone; the best part of marriage is intimacy. It give you your your own special secret.

Also, did you hear about the 7 day challenge from the reverend, and there is a book called "the Love Challenge". Have you seen or heard of either of these? Do you know why your wife won't have sex with you?

[KentJ]

Ladylove,

I am certain that my wife has issues that she needs to deal with 1:1 with a therapist. The problem is that she believes that she "lives life looking forward", and that therapy only drudges-up "crap from the past". This is so distressing, because my wife is a very intelligent, educated, beautiful, sexually desireable woman.

To your specific question as to why she will not have sex with me, she has said that she does not find me attractive in that way. The therapist, female, told my wife that she should take another look, because she found me to be attractive and did not doubt that other women did so. Clearly it is not a phsyical appearance challenge, but an emotional one.

I do know that my wife's mother had always told my wife that sex was a thing that "naughty girls did". I have worked to continually tell my wife how beautiful her body is; how wonderful all of her 'scents' are; and what a turn-on it is to simply run my hands across her body. My wife and I are in really great shape for anyone in their late forties, heck we are in better shape that most of our friends that are 15 years younger than us.

I love my wife, but I am not confident in my ability to remain faithful. Sex is adult play. I want that play and intimacy with my wife. I have waited for more than five years. HELP!!!!!

Njoy

[ladylove]

Ladylove,

I am certain that my wife has issues that she needs to deal with 1:1 with a therapist. The problem is that she believes that she "lives life looking forward", and that therapy only drudges-up "crap from the past". This is so distressing, because my wife is a very intelligent, educated, beautiful, sexually desireable woman.

To your specific question as to why she will not have sex with me, she has said that she does not find me attractive in that way. The therapist, female, told my wife that she should take another look, because she found me to be attractive and did not doubt that other women did so. Clearly it is not a phsyical appearance challenge, but an emotional one.

I do know that my wife's mother had always told my wife that sex was a thing that "naughty girls did". I have worked to continually tell my wife how beautiful her body is; how wonderful all of her 'scents' are; and what a turn-on it is to simply run my hands across her body. My wife and I are in really great shape for anyone in their late forties, heck we are in better shape that most of our friends that are 15 years younger than us.

I love my wife, but I am not confident in my ability to remain faithful. Sex is adult play. I want that play and intimacy with my wife. I have waited for more than five years. HELP!!!!!

Njoy

I too was told "nice girls didn't" however even though I enjoyed sex I was very repressed. It has taken a great amount of patients (from my husband) and time to come out of my shell. It seems like your wife has a lot of emotional baggage to go through, but she may decide not to. Are you ready for that?

[KentJ]

I too was told "nice girls didn't" however even though I enjoyed sex I was very repressed. It has taken a great amount of patients (from my husband) and time to come out of my shell. It seems like your wife has a lot of emotional baggage to go through, but she may decide not to. Are you ready for that?

I realized after a number of years that she had serious emotional issues. And I have on numerous occasions - more than five time - insisted that we go get couples therapy. I have also asked her to see a therapist on her own. She will not do it, but will recommend to others that they seek counsiling. Truth be told, I have been waiting for so many years, I think I am at that point in my life where I am just too exhausted to continue. And the truth of the matter is that the sex really is just the symptom. The problem is that she is an emotional abuser because she knows how I feel about sex an intimacy, and has decided to continue with this distructive behavior.

As I stated, this year I will make a difference in my life. I hope it is with my wife in it. If not, LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Thanks for your input. I'll keep reading and posting because this is very helpful.

[ladylove]

I realized after a number of years that she had serious emotional issues. And I have on numerous occasions - more than five time - insisted that we go get couples therapy. I have also asked her to see a therapist on her own. She will not do it, but will recommend to others that they seek counsiling. Truth be told, I have been waiting for so many years, I think I am at that point in my life where I am just too exhausted to continue. And the truth of the matter is that the sex really is just the symptom. The problem is that she is an emotional abuser because she knows how I feel about sex an intimacy, and has decided to continue with this distructive behavior.

As I stated, this year I will make a difference in my life. I hope it is with my wife in it. If not, LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Thanks for your input. I'll keep reading and posting because this is very helpful.

Every person deserves to be happy and fulfilled, including you. Good luck!

[KentJ]

I think it depends on the situation but if you're trying to introduce something new it can work to say "So, I was browsing online and ran across the most interesting thing.." and go from there.

Or perhaps "I recently read a survey/interview/poll whose results said X" (x being something related to your current thoughts and feelings) and work it into your personal life.

Adriana,

Thanks for the advice...sounds like a good idea. I also think letting other friends know about TT and asking them if they think it is a site worth visiting is a way to introduce it to our network of friends. The intent is to then bring up the site during a gathering may help peak my wife's curiosity. If it comes directly from me, then it is more likely to be dismissed.

I want an adult relationship with my wife.

Njoy

[KentJ]

Every person deserves to be happy and fulfilled, including you. Good luck!

You are right. My problem is that I want both my wife and I to again be happy together.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Njoy

[kisskat]

My problem is that I am too blunt and honest and on more than one occasion it has caused problems. In the end though I think it made us both feel better that I was honest then trying to 'beat around the bush' so to speak.

Njoy,

I hope everything works out for you the way you want it to. but I think in the end if she is not willing to help herself there is not much you can do. I hope she comes to her senses and realize how much you want her physically and emotionally.

[DADT]

"Sweetie, are you busy? I'd like to go tap dancing through an emotional minefield for the next hour. You game?"

Ideal solution. If you know a couple who happen to be randy wessels and like to talk about it, invite them to dinner and say something slightly naughty like "I get tension headaches when I don't have sex for a week. How about you guys." And mirth and hilarity will ensue.

Plan B. "Honey, I heard about something that really turned me on. Can I tell you about it?" This actually works. Nobody is a bad lover. Just trying a new recipe.

[KentJ]

Kisskat & Dadt,

Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. I did have a conversation with my wife a few days ago. I made clear my desire to have an adult relationship that runs the gambit from parents to lovers. She said that that is what she desires and cannot understand why there is a problem. I am hopeful, but we still have to consummate our conversation. We'll see.

As for the minefield, isn't that what marriage is about? Or do I have the wrong script?

Thanks again to everyone on this site; all of you help to "get it framed-in for me". Support. Support. Support.

Njoy

[kisskat]

Hey I think that's what we're here for Best of luck to you, hope it turns out good for the both of you!!

[DADT]

As for the minefield, isn't that what marriage is about? Or do I have the wrong script?

That does happen in many people's marriages, but why would you sign up for that if that's what you expected to happen. People entered into relationships because they expect it to make them feel good about themselves & who they love. But too often couples loose sight of that.

So Rule # 1: Better to happy than right. This is especially important for men to take on board. Example: wife tells hubby that she has trouble achieving orgasm because of his poor oral technique. Hubby should not bluster that he's been doing it that way for years, why hasn't she spoken up. Instead, hubby should ask, "how does this feel," and "how does that feel," and "oh I see you want my tongue here while I put this finger in here and use this finger to stroke here. What a superb idea. I'm such ninny for not realizing that."

Rule # 2: If you know your spouse at all well, imagine you are them, and think how you can ask for what you need in a style that they will response positively too. This is especially important for women to take on board. Example: wife wants G-spot orgasm. Don't tell hubby that all your friends are having them with their hubbies. That's shaming him. Instead, tell hubby "Guess what I found? Yeah, the G-spot. Its real. Want to see...I mean touch it? Oh wow, that does feel good. How did you know how to do that with your fingers? You are amazing. Hold me. I am about to pass out with pleasure."

Get the difference here folks?