Am I Bad At Sex?

[angel1004]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here, and fairly inexperienced. And as my title indicates, I'm not too confident in my sexual abilities.

I've only slept with 2 guys in my life, including the guy I had sex with last night. It was our first time having sex with each other, though we had done other things in the past. I went down on him and he came. Then we started to have sex. He got me off, but he didn't come during sex. Eventually, he said something along the line of "I'm getting a cramp/getting tired (it was something like that) tired, it's fine, you got me off, I got you off" and we stopped. He didn't say it in a mean or resentful or aggravated way, but he said it.

A few things to note - I was on top, which I had never been before. I've heard that a woman can only be bad in bed if she doesn't do any work, and I certainly tried (except at one point when he told me to just let him do the work, which was a bit before I came). Anyway, this probably sounds stupid, but I felt like I just couldn't move 'correctly' or didn't know how to while being on top. He was going so much faster than me, and I felt like I couldn't keep up on top. But I tried. It's not like I didn't move at all.

Also, when he asked if I wanted to be on top, I said something like "well I never have before." In retrospect, that was probably a stupid thing to say, but I did. Which obviously clued him into my innocence because he then asked me how many guys I had been with. And because it didn't occur to me to lie, I told him the truth - only one. He claims he wasn't freaked out, but it's not like he would have admitted it if he were. I know he was a bit surprised that I was more innocent/inexperienced than he thought.

Anyway, back to my original issue, I'm now worried that I'm bad at sex since he didn't come. I've tried to tell myself that it's not a big deal or maybe it's because he already had, but I don't think either is true. My understanding is that it's not good when a guy doesn't climax, and I'm wondering if it's me.

On the other hand, afterwards, we were talking, and he was saying that he was surprised that I had only slept with one other person because I was really good. He didn't specify good at what though, and I think he was probably referring to good a bj's, since he actually came from that...

My inexperience is embarrassingly evident in this post, and I'm a bit embarrassed to post this in the 1st place, but I'd love to hear what everyone has to say.

[chloegirl]

What ever you do do NOT beat yourself up and worry about this. This was your first time doing this with this guy and it doesn't sound like there was a real "connection" to begin with. If the chemistry is right with you two, time, caring, and mutually learning what the other likes and how they respond will develope. If not maybe you should question if having sex for the sake of sex is the right move here. Ideally the first time together would have him being a little more considerate, especially after finding out that you are not that experienced yet. If he really cared and wanted you he should have gone out of his way to encourage and "school" you a little. You are NOT bad at sex....you can't expect to perferm like a porn star pro the first couple of times out of the gate with no emotional connection to boot. Find the right guy and it'll all take care of itself I promise!

[Tyger]

Hon, you're not BAD at sex. You're inexperienced. There's a BIIIIIIG difference. Plus, GREAT lovers are made, not born. What does that mean?

Well, many men think that just because they have a penis, it's all about them, and that they're GREAT at sex. Many women feel that a vagina is ALL they need to get a guy off. We have the tools to be great lovers, but just having the parts doesn't do it. A willingness to PLEASE AND BE PLEASED is how one becomes a great lover.

Learning what pleases your lover is great! Ask questions. And, don't worry, you won't sound dumb. If you want to make it sound sexy, ask him "Do you like it when I do........*insert whatever action you're doing*?" Or ask "what do you WANT me to do?". You can do this in an act, speak huskily, and mean it. Don't sound shy. Men love confidence.

And telling your lover what you like is also very important. After all, satisfying sex isn't just for one of the lovers, but BOTH. Tell him you like what he's doing at the time (if you really are liking it). If you don't like, gently move him away, or ask him to do something else. Don't fake it.

Again, I will repeat: DON'T FAKE IT!!!! Women are geared to be people pleasers. We don't like being the one to say "I am not happy with that". But, there are nice ways to say that you want your lover to do something different, as I've stated. But, making a guy feel good, and boost his ego, when, in fact, he was lousy in bed, is NOT the way to make the experiences pleasurable.

Please peruse the site. There are LOTS of posts about this, tips as to what you can do to make things better. Trust me, hun, you're not the only one that feels like this.

Welcome!!

[ohshelly]

OK honey, Don't beat yourself up, we all start out the same way and learn by doing.

Where you an excellent driver your second time out? Nope, takes practice, practice practice.

It sounds like you did just fine, and while he could have been a bit better about leading you along,

it sounds like he was suprised by your inexperience. Many men, no matter their age,

orgasm once and need a few hours to recover. I wouldn't worry about him not cuming a second time.

Congrats for making him cum durring a b.j. and then trying a new position! Your courage and honesty are to be commended.

I don't think you are wrong in being honest with him. Honesty and openess are the things that lead to developing a good sex life.

Sound like you did everything right.

The first time with any new partner is bound to have it's awkward moments. He could have been more thoughtful of you,

but, in fairness, he was open to talking to you about it afterwards. A good sign!

Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetie. Keep talking to him, do some reading here, ask any questions you want (we are happy to help and suggest)

and as you develop more confidance and your relationship deepens, it will only get better and better. Promise!

[Tyger]

Also, depending on age/maturity level, he may not have the "mindset" to even care about feelings or pleasing his lover. Now, men DO get tired, and, like women, they don't ALWAYS cum, especially if they've already cum once. I would stress reading and learning about how to be a better lover, giving AND taking.

[FOS]

Hon, you're not BAD at sex. You're inexperienced. There's a BIIIIIIG difference.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

First of all, we're glad you're here. Welcome! And kudos to you for a very brave, personal, and vulnerable first post.

Don't be worried about anything that you think you're 'lacking', as far as sexual ability is concerned. And just as chloegirl said, don't beat yourself up about any of it. It takes time and experience to even identify what you enjoy the most, with regard to sex. You definitely don't have to set out to impress any/every man you have sex with- and if it happens to be someone you're in a committed relationship with, it will grow over the amount of time you spend together.

I do think there's a lot more pressure on women to be 'good' at physical intimacy, in this society that is still so male-dominant. But that is nothing more than a role, or an expectation, even, that's ruled by gender and nothing more. So it probably is a lot more difficult for you to not feel uncomfortable about this (and especially since I think you perceive just about everyone to be more experienced than you are).

My honest opinion is that if you're up-front with a guy- I mean, you could go ahead and say, "I haven't had a lot of experience"- if he wants it to be as good for you as he wants it to be for him, then he won't have a problem at all (and it will likely open up your mind and body to a better experience, too). And if you figure out that he doesn't care if it's as good for you as it is for him, then he's not worth your time, or energy, or experience, or anything- none of it.

Be proud of what you are, and it WILL get better, I promise you.

There was a time in my life- too long of a time, actually- when I was, indeed, entirely too timid about sex. And there was a good reason for it, for me. But anyway, my point is, I think it just takes the right people in our lives- whether that be a sex partner, or someone else- to bring it out in us.

[pappyld04]

Welcome to the forum! We can never have too many angels! Don't beat yourself up about your innocence. So what if you don't know everything right now you have plenty of time to learn. You seem to be willing to try new things which is a rather basic step, but an important one where great lovers are created! IDK if you have spent time browsing the older posts but you can find many where women spend an eternity with selfish lovers and never experience any real satisfaction.

This was your first time together and is really not a yardstick for measuring your compatibility! Those first impressions are often more of a distraction than anything. We spend a lot of time worrying about what our partners are thinking, feeling, etc... It seems as though you were rather distracted by your inexperience with this position which is understandable. There will be times when one partner or the other doesn't climax but that really says nothing about how pleasurable it is.

There is no physical harm done when a man doesn't climax unless it is a continual thing! Repeated and continual occurences can cause what is commonly called "Blue Balls", but is not a sign of bad partners or anything like that. Don't sweat the small stuff unless it happens most of the time. Your time would be better spent reading about different ideas, experiences, tips and such to make things better for yourself and your partner. I noticed the lack of mention about his experience in your post also. This may very well be the reason things weren't "Magical" for both of you!

Keep your willing to learn and improve attitude, and open communication and things can only get better. If you two do not talk about sex I would really recommend doing so if you are going to stay together.

[Mikayla1]

I mirror the ideas of my fellow posters. Being inexperienced does not make you 'bad' at sex. However, I wil; point out that there certainly are men and women who ARE bad at sex. These persons do not care about their partner's pleasure, his/her fantasies or desires or they basically don't want to put in the effort to learn about sex.

That being said, if your partner is a young man, he could probably last for a long time, especially if he had previously orgasmed. Now, it is HIS fault for not helping you help him. Meaning, many women and men have positions that work for them sexually. He probably would have liked to pound you faster, put you in a different position - he should have asked or gently prodded you that direction. By him letting you be on top, then sort of complaining about it - well, that means he had something he wanted to do, and didn't.

Now, if your motions were off sync from his, then he might have not being getting the 'sensations' that he was looking for. THe fact is, sex does feel good, but GOOD sex feels better. Do not take all the responsibility here, but do take a modicum of it. Learn from this. Learn to ask questions and take initiative. "does this feel good" or "do you like it when I move this way?" can speak volumes toward satisfing your lover.

He also needs to take responsibility, and if you sleep with him again, make sure you tell him to TELL YOU what he needs or wants. Otherwise, things stay the same and no one learns!

[sun_flower969]

This is exactly what I was going to say.

First of all, we're glad you're here. Welcome! And kudos to you for a very brave, personal, and vulnerable first post.

Don't be worried about anything that you think you're 'lacking', as far as sexual ability is concerned. And just as chloegirl said, don't beat yourself up about any of it. It takes time and experience to even identify what you enjoy the most, with regard to sex. You definitely don't have to set out to impress any/every man you have sex with- and if it happens to be someone you're in a committed relationship with, it will grow over the amount of time you spend together.

I do think there's a lot more pressure on women to be 'good' at physical intimacy, in this society that is still so male-dominant. But that is nothing more than a role, or an expectation, even, that's ruled by gender and nothing more. So it probably is a lot more difficult for you to not feel uncomfortable about this (and especially since I think you perceive just about everyone to be more experienced than you are).

My honest opinion is that if you're up-front with a guy- I mean, you could go ahead and say, "I haven't had a lot of experience"- if he wants it to be as good for you as he wants it to be for him, then he won't have a problem at all (and it will likely open up your mind and body to a better experience, too). And if you figure out that he doesn't care if it's as good for you as it is for him, then he's not worth your time, or energy, or experience, or anything- none of it.

Be proud of what you are, and it WILL get better, I promise you.

There was a time in my life- too long of a time, actually- when I was, indeed, entirely too timid about sex. And there was a good reason for it, for me. But anyway, my point is, I think it just takes the right people in our lives- whether that be a sex partner, or someone else- to bring it out in us.

What a great point! I was going to say, You have to figure out things for yourself before you can really figure him out. You know his wants needs etc. If you know what you like and he knows what he likes and you tell each other... Well how can you go wrong! When you are new to sex it can be embarrassing or you can feel self conscious. Don't let that control you! You will do better with an open mind and willingness to experiment! Don't be afraid to communicate!

Good luck to you and welcome to the forum!

[DADT]

You must not feel bad about your inexperience. Sex is like learning a sport or a musical instrument. You can't expect to play great and know what you're doing the first time you try to play. Just be confident that as you practice you will get better. That goes for pleasing yourself and your partner.

Get a "how to" book that deals with female sexuality & the truth about orgasm. This site is visited by many really smart & experienced woman. I'm sure they can suggest titles that can get you started.

There are a few myths about sex that need to be dispelled up front.

1) During intercourse, all women should be able to O from the friction of their lover's erection alone. Actually, such women are the lucky minority. Most women need additional manual stimulation directly to the clit to have an O during intercourse. An experienced man knows this and will eagerly learn how to manually press your button exactly how you like it.

2) Its easy for a couple to reach simultaneously O. Not true. It takes a lot of practice. And if you are concentrating too much on timing, it may actually decrease your enjoyment.

3) Men are sexual light bulbs that get turned on as soon as you wink at them. Super not true. Men can get aroused quickly, but not that quickly. And it takes more than a wink.

You are not bad at sex. The other person just didn't tell you or show you what they like.

Good Luck