Members 123NotIt Posted November 29, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 I'm in a new-ish relationship, and while I consider myself to be pretty level-headed when it comes to most things in a relationship, I have to admit that I'm a little bit bothered by some of the comments my BF makes. He loves porn. And I understand that--most guys do. Why, then, does it make me so jealous? It makes me feel unwanted, uncared for, and unattractive to him. When we watch TV, he talks about this woman or that woman being hot, and it just makes me feel rotten. I would never do that to him, and when I've mentioned that it bothers me, he says "Well, you should want to have sex with her too." Or if I say "How would you like it if I pointed out every guy that I think is hot?" His response is "Well, I'm not going to have sex with another man, and neither should you."Why is it so hard for me to understand that he finds other women attractive? And why does he feel the need to blurt out every thought that comes into his head? Tonight, he said "Well, if you want to get out, do it now, because I'm not going to change." Maybe that's what I should have done, because it sure doesn't seem like he's too committed to this relationship. Am I wasting my time? Should I be more OK with him pointing out every attractive woman that he sees? I guess I'm just asking for your take on this because maybe I'm just being too emotional and not sensible about it.Thoughts?Jess 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members triedntru Posted November 29, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 I'm not sure if this will come out the way I mean for it to, but here it goes. What would you say to your daughter if she came up to you with this exact problem? I say that because we all want the best for our kids, but we are willing to settle for being treated second best. Just a thought, TNT 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted November 29, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 I'm in a new-ish relationship, and while I consider myself to be pretty level-headed when it comes to most things in a relationship, I have to admit that I'm a little bit bothered by some of the comments my BF makes. He loves porn. And I understand that--most guys do. Why, then, does it make me so jealous? It makes me feel unwanted, uncared for, and unattractive to him. When we watch TV, he talks about this woman or that woman being hot, and it just makes me feel rotten. I would never do that to him, and when I've mentioned that it bothers me, he says "Well, you should want to have sex with her too." Or if I say "How would you like it if I pointed out every guy that I think is hot?" His response is "Well, I'm not going to have sex with another man, and neither should you."Why is it so hard for me to understand that he finds other women attractive? And why does he feel the need to blurt out every thought that comes into his head? Tonight, he said "Well, if you want to get out, do it now, because I'm not going to change." Maybe that's what I should have done, because it sure doesn't seem like he's too committed to this relationship. Am I wasting my time? Should I be more OK with him pointing out every attractive woman that he sees? I guess I'm just asking for your take on this because maybe I'm just being too emotional and not sensible about it.Thoughts?JessIt sounds kind of cavemanish and insensitive to me! I would not put up with that crap! You deserve respect! You should feel like he thinks you are the HOTTEST thing in the room! Maybe he is just immature. I would really think long and hard about this. It is very hard for a person like this to change their character. Is this something you think you can just bite down and endure? Think about it... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted November 29, 2008 Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 I'm going to repeat some of the questions that others have already asked, because, well, they bear repeating!How "new" is this relationship? How old is this guy? Now, men usually mature slower than women do. If he's close to your age physically, mentally I'd subtract 10 yrs, going by his behavior.He's talking to you like he would some of his guy friends. The whole comparing thing is what young guys in groups will do, not something that you do with a woman you supposedly care for! This whole "well, you should want to sleep with her too" is very insensitive. And then he's also being hypocritical when you pointed out that you could do the same thing with guys, and he said "well, I'm not going to sleep with guys, & neither should you". The same could be said with you & women!Again, as I mentioned in another post, I am a woman that LOVES porn, and is bi-curious. However, if YOU don't feel comfortable with the thought of another woman, then that's OK too! He shouldn't say that you should want to have sex with a buxom blonde on a porn just because HE finds her attractive. Hell, my hubby's taste, and MY taste in what makes a woman beautiful are really very different! Porn is NOT for everyone. And, there are lots of different KINDS of porn! What one person likes, another may find distasteful and disgusting. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Especially when you've experimented, given stuff a chance, and have come to the conclusion that it's just NOT for you. There's NOTHING wrong with that at all, and don't let him tell you any differently.Knowing how you feel, he should keep the porn to himself. You've tried watching it, and that's great! Unfortunately, with his immature "gotta score" attitude, his crass remarks have made porn distasteful & a sorce of "competition" to you, so of course, you're not going to want to watch it. If you tell him straight out that you find his remarks immature & hurtful (those words, don't pussy-foot around it to be nice), and he continues to do it, then you need to rethink this "new" relationship. How mature is he going to be, or how mature IS he, when you go out? Does he do that, say, in a bar/club, when he's with you? Does he point out all the gorgeous women and make you feel like shit? If so, dump him, cuz he's not going to change, darlin'. He's an insensive ass, as Poon's said, and not worth your time & emotions. He may think he's cute, or it's a game, but you don't like it, and you need to insist that he stop. If he won't, well, again, rethink this whole thing. Don't settle for less than you deserve or less than you want, just so you can say you have a boyfriend.As Poon as stated, porn is a fantasy land. There's nothing wrong with reading/viewing things that help bring out your fantasies, so long as the viewer can keep in mind that, in fact, it IS fantasy, and that it's NOT real. In fact, I was watching an HBO show, with a famous porn star getting interviewed (Tera Patrick). She says that at home, she is VERY VERY vanilla when it comes to sex with her BF's! She was like, "C'mon, if I fucked like that in real life, do you know how TIRED I'd be all the time??" So, yes, even enhanced porn stars, in real life, are just as normal in their sex lives as you & I are. They just GET PAID to have sex on film. It's a JOB to them, usually not a way of life, though I'm sure there are exceptions. Their breast enhancements are actually tax deductions, as well as the long nailed manicures, body waxes, and hairspray! Kinda puts things a bit more in perspective, huh?I wish you the best of luck, stand up for yourself, darlin', you deserve to be treated better than you are being treated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mystofpric Posted November 29, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 Again, i come after all he good advice has been given You really need to look long and hard at your relationship. Is this the only area that he treats you poorly, or just teh worst? Because there is a good chance if he isn't treating you like this at other times, he will eventually. The things he said are abusive, they are designed to break down your self esteem until you are totally relient on the few times he tells you how attractive you are. If your not intoo deep, i say run away now, he's wrong, he's gonna change eventually, but chances are it's gonna be for the worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 123NotIt Posted November 29, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 Thank you all so much for adding your thoughts. Sometimes it's hard to be rational when your heart is so involved, so I appreciate you all adding perspective.To answer your questions, he's 33 and I'm 30. And here's what makes this situation even harder and more confusing: he's absolutely perfect in every other way. He's kind, gentle, affectionate, funny, and the list goes on. I think the thing that bothers me the most is how he tells me that I'm so different from other women he's dated because I'm sweet (and probably a little naive, though he's never said that part). Sometimes I think sweet must be interchangeable with "doormat". I'm not all that sexually experienced, but I'm willing to try a lot of things. I guess it hurts me so much because it feels like he likes porn stars because they're so completely different than me. And if that's the case, why does he like me?The truth is, I don't care if he thinks porn, porn stars, strippers, celebrities, whoever is hot. But I just wish he didn't feel the need to tell me that. I'm not sure he grasps the whole concept of "just because you think it doesn't mean you have to say it", LOL. As much as I don't want to do it, if he and I can't get this resolved soon, I probably am going to head for the door. As much as I like him, and as perfect as he is in every other way, I can't be with someone who makes me feel so badly about myself. I just deserve more, ya know? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted November 29, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 29, 2008 I can't be with someone who makes me feel so badly about myself. I just deserve more, ya know?ABSOLUTELY! You deserve to feel like # 1 in his eyes! If he can't make you feel that way. He isn't worth it sweetie! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DADT Posted December 1, 2008 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 So tell him how you feel. Mr Perfect can handle it if he is Mr Perfect. IMO 33 is a bit old to be talking out loud about hot chicks whether you are with the guys or watching TV with the GF. Someone else had the right idea. Some thoughts just have to stay in your head. So go ahead. Just calmly tell him that you don't like hearing those thoughts.Also, try turning off the TV and describing to him what makes your toes curl. Give him a more engaging hobby. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members synirr Posted December 1, 2008 Members Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 And here's what makes this situation even harder and more confusing: he's absolutely perfect in every other way. He's kind, gentle, affectionate, funny, and the list goes on.If that's true, and the relationship is great in every other way, he may just not realize how much it bothers you. I've always had male friends moreso than female ones, and when I hang out with them, they talk about girls a lot and I get into it with them. I'm used to saying something about it when I find someone attractive, especially if they're female, and yes, I do this around my BF too. He's my best friend, it just feels natural. Sometimes I worry a little about it making him feel bad, but he's never mentioned it, and here's the kicker... I feel like he knows our relationship is strong and I don't actually want to be with these other people, and that makes it ok. I also tell him all the time how sexy he is to me. If he ever told me it hurt him for me to say those things, you can be sure I'd stop, along with reassuring him that it means nothing.So, like DADT said, tell him how you feel. Make it a serious conversation so he has no doubt it really bothers you. If he's as great as you say he is he should bend over backwards to make you happy and he will understand. If the behavior continues, drop him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bluelotusparties Posted May 3, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 3, 2012 i think you have to understand that is just a nature of a man to get attracted to others (but it have to be only at that point). he may only know how to appreciate beauty. and i find it cool when a guy opens about his crush to you, it's just a proof that it is just nothing to him that he need not to hide it to you . for if he is serious with other girls that he is attracted , he's not going to open it to you.hope you get what i am trying to say may your mind have been cleared by now . goodluck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted June 30, 2015 Report Share Posted June 30, 2015 I am going thru some old posts, and thought that this was an interesting one. Anyone else experience this? How did you handle it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members H. Housewife Posted August 13, 2017 Members Report Share Posted August 13, 2017 I felt the same way with my guy at first only because the last one cheated on me. The trust factor is important plus it doesn't hurt to at least go once to see hot exotic male dancers. I finally did last month any I'll never forget that night. It was like being a virgin and my cherry got popped❤ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.