Members redjeepgrl Posted June 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and he "we"have been having problems with erectile dysfunction for about the past 6 months. He has confessed to me that he masturbates frequently instead of having sex with me. He does not want me to get upset about not being able to keep an erection while we are trying to have sex, which, in the past I have gotten upset and realize now that was not helpful. He explained something about while being in the military years ago that masturbating helped keep focus. I am not quite sure I understand this and was wondering if anyone could enlighten me? He does have a very stressful job as he is a police officer and I was curious about this? Can anyone explain this to me and give some suggestions for helping me get him to "come back" to me? I really do not mind if he masturbates, I do too, but I would like to have sexual intercourse more often than we are and would like to help with this erectile dysfunction if I can.Thank you in advance for any suggestions and or thoughts.redjeepgrl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted June 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and he "we"have been having problems with erectile dysfunction for about the past 6 months. He has confessed to me that he masturbates frequently instead of having sex with me. He does not want me to get upset about not being able to keep an erection while we are trying to have sex, which, in the past I have gotten upset and realize now that was not helpful. He explained something about while being in the military years ago that masturbating helped keep focus. I am not quite sure I understand this and was wondering if anyone could enlighten me? He does have a very stressful job as he is a police officer and I was curious about this? Can anyone explain this to me and give some suggestions for helping me get him to "come back" to me? I really do not mind if he masturbates, I do too, but I would like to have sexual intercourse more often than we are and would like to help with this erectile dysfunction if I can.Thank you in advance for any suggestions and or thoughts.redjeepgrlIf he loses his erection during sex, what about giving him a hand/blow job? Or tell him you would love to watch him.Have you tried either of those yet? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members redjeepgrl Posted June 17, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 If he loses his erection during sex, what about giving him a hand/blow job? Or tell him you would love to watch him.Have you tried either of those yet?Hi Ladylove,Yes, I do give him handjobs and blowjobs and he does okay with those, keeps his erection and even cums. I have not tried asking him to watch yet, as I just found out about it recently and how frequent it was. We were both pretty surprised to learn that we both do it alone on a regular basis, so maybe that has opened up some discussion at least. I just do not know what the doing it to "focus" before work is all about? This is the first time I am hearing this.redjeepgrl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Welcome!Wow, you must be feeling confused, scared, and self-doubting. But, darlin', it's NOT you. The masturbating thing is common with men, even with erectile disfunction. When a man masturbates, his "concentration" is all about HIM. The quick release & thrill of orgasm. When men have sex with their lovers, it's NOT all about them. They hafta worry about "does she like this, how much time do I need to give her, ouch this position hurts, what is THAT?" sort of stuff. Not to mention trying to give their lover an orgasm. It can be quite stressful. Think of it this way: what you're probably thinking about when trying to please your man, they are too! It can be a lot of pressure.Men, like us, are more relaxed and mellow after an orgasm. This can also make their heads clear up, giving them the focus that he's talking about. It also relieves some stress.Add to that, them KNOWING that you're probably upset at their lack of performance, all adds to the stress, giving him a softer soldier. It's NOT that he doesn't WANT to please you, he's just psyching himself out of it, unintentionally.Please don't feel like his masturbating is a replacement for you. It's not.However, the FIRST step into helping him deal with ED, is to go see his doctor ASAP. Not only can it be stress-related (and with his job, I KNOW he has stress), but it could be signalling an underlying health issue that needs to be treated. HATE to admit that their sexual prowess may need a little help now and again. However, if this is something you BOTH want to accomplish, he needsMen to speak with his doctor, openly AND honestly.Good luck!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted June 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Ahhh, as per usual, Tyger is right on!His masturbation habits have NOTHING to do with you,they have to do with getting that release he needs, without having to 'perform' for you. Men wil ED have such fragile egos - they just do not know why their penis works outside of the bedroom but not inside. Oh, on that note, you may want to ask him if his penis is completely hard when he masturbates. If it isn't, that could indicate a rather serious blood flow or valve problem. I mirror Tyger's sentiments to get him to a doctor.Now, I wrote an article on ED. There is a lot of helpful information and references that can help you as much as him. I suggest you read it.In the meantime, try not to be hurt or upset. This has nothing to do with you, your sexiness, your desire, your skill or anything else. It has to do with him and his comfort level. It has to do with him 'not having to please you, just himself.'You may also want to try masturbation nights. Where you watch him, he watches you. Most times this will lead to sex - as he doesn't anticipate having sex, he thinks it is just masturbation, so he lets his guard down and his penis goes UP and stays UP. Sometimes just masturbate to orgasm, sometimes, if the mood is right, hop on! Also, there is no shame in using a prescription medication. Some are now long lasting, like Cialis, where you have a 3-day window where it will 'help' with the ED. This can be great for spontaneous sex - and it gives him the added comfort of knowing he can 'perform.'Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunday Posted June 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Welcome!When a man masturbates, his "concentration" is all about HIM. The quick release & thrill of orgasm. When men have sex with their lovers, it's NOT all about them. They hafta worry about "does she like this, how much time do I need to give her, ouch this position hurts, what is THAT?" sort of stuff. Not to mention trying to give their lover an orgasm. It can be quite stressful. Think of it this way: what you're probably thinking about when trying to please your man, they are too! It can be a lot of pressure.Good luck!!LOL! You are a gem Tyger. You are right of course, but no one could put it the way you do! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members redjeepgrl Posted June 18, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 Welcome!Wow, you must be feeling confused, scared, and self-doubting. But, darlin', it's NOT you. The masturbating thing is common with men, even with erectile disfunction. When a man masturbates, his "concentration" is all about HIM. The quick release & thrill of orgasm. When men have sex with their lovers, it's NOT all about them. They hafta worry about "does she like this, how much time do I need to give her, ouch this position hurts, what is THAT?" sort of stuff. Not to mention trying to give their lover an orgasm. It can be quite stressful. Think of it this way: what you're probably thinking about when trying to please your man, they are too! It can be a lot of pressure.Men, like us, are more relaxed and mellow after an orgasm. This can also make their heads clear up, giving them the focus that he's talking about. It also relieves some stress.Add to that, them KNOWING that you're probably upset at their lack of performance, all adds to the stress, giving him a softer soldier. It's NOT that he doesn't WANT to please you, he's just psyching himself out of it, unintentionally.Please don't feel like his masturbating is a replacement for you. It's not.However, the FIRST step into helping him deal with ED, is to go see his doctor ASAP. Not only can it be stress-related (and with his job, I KNOW he has stress), but it could be signalling an underlying health issue that needs to be treated. HATE to admit that their sexual prowess may need a little help now and again. However, if this is something you BOTH want to accomplish, he needsMen to speak with his doctor, openly AND honestly.Good luck!!Hi Tyger and thanks!He has gone to his doctor and everything is fine physically. We even went for one counseling session...guess a workup is in order there. We talk pretty openly, but I was just concerned because this is the first time I had heard from him about the masturbating and the "focus" thing, but I understand it now. Thanks for your help and I will keep you posted.redjeepgrl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members redjeepgrl Posted June 18, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 Ahhh, as per usual, Tyger is right on!His masturbation habits have NOTHING to do with you,they have to do with getting that release he needs, without having to 'perform' for you. Men wil ED have such fragile egos - they just do not know why their penis works outside of the bedroom but not inside. Oh, on that note, you may want to ask him if his penis is completely hard when he masturbates. If it isn't, that could indicate a rather serious blood flow or valve problem. I mirror Tyger's sentiments to get him to a doctor.Now, I wrote an article on ED. There is a lot of helpful information and references that can help you as much as him. I suggest you read it.In the meantime, try not to be hurt or upset. This has nothing to do with you, your sexiness, your desire, your skill or anything else. It has to do with him and his comfort level. It has to do with him 'not having to please you, just himself.'You may also want to try masturbation nights. Where you watch him, he watches you. Most times this will lead to sex - as he doesn't anticipate having sex, he thinks it is just masturbation, so he lets his guard down and his penis goes UP and stays UP. Sometimes just masturbate to orgasm, sometimes, if the mood is right, hop on! Also, there is no shame in using a prescription medication. Some are now long lasting, like Cialis, where you have a 3-day window where it will 'help' with the ED. This can be great for spontaneous sex - and it gives him the added comfort of knowing he can 'perform.'Good luck!Thank you Mikayla! I will read your article and suggest the masturbation night...that would be fun! I think I will send him to the doctor again, it has been a while since he went and the doctor did say that if it continues to be a problem to let him know and he can prescribe something. I really appreciate this web site and all you and the other moderators do. This is definately something I would not talk to anyone besides my husband about, but I know I can always come here and talk to you all! Thanks,redjeepgrl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members redjeepgrl Posted June 18, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 LOL! You are a gem Tyger. You are right of course, but no one could put it the way you do!I agree Sunday!redjeepgrl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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