Hi! I've had the same problem for a long time and I agree that self penetration is not the best way to go with it. The exchange that happens when being penetrated by someone else can decide the level of relaxation and depth and girth you can take in with pleasure. What I have done recently with my wife is to use a strap on toy. I bough a Doc Johnson 7" Ballsy Dildo which is made out of soft jelly and is long with some texture. For the visual effect of the harness I gave my wife the Grrl Toyz-Grrl Shorts Strap-on Harness. She looks terrific in those very tight shorts! Well, she got in control, massaged my back and my butt with some scented oil. It was thrilling. Next step was lube and take me. The toy was long enough to fill all the space in my ass, while the harness was completely steady. She started smoothly and at the end she was banging for real!!! Soft jelly and a good harness: it's worth the try. Enjoy it!