[Kids And Sex Toys]

I don't know about where you life but around here we have great flea markets and estate sales. My be you could find a trunk that wpould fit your needs. I know my sister had a trunk that they would cover with a nice blanket or runner at the end of their bed. It blended in with the decor and the kids hardly noticed it. It was like a table to them. Also there are amoires. We have one for your entertainment center now but I am sure you could modify it. The thing that I like is that they can have locks put on them or already installed. They probably even com in cherry. If you got one that had two levels like an entertanment center you could put a TV or stereo on top so the kids just thought of it as a "TV stand" and in the bottom store the boxes for your toys. Only to be brought out by you.

[What To Do...]

Wow I am sorry about your first husband. That was my nightmares for the last couple of years and I would never wish it on anyone. Everyone has mentioned counseling and I'll tell you what happened to that. I did call the military counseling system. I got appointments for us to do marraigge counseling. He refused to go saying that he didn't have the problems with our marriage I did so I needed it. I went by myself. There wasn't much that I could do by myself. All it did was make each of the problems and why I was having them seem clearer. I suggested he go to counseling for the porn again he refused and wouldn't call. Since I thought he might have a problem with going to someone he thought was meant for sick people and he's not sick I suggested he go see the Bishop of our church. He's a nice amdn who we both feel comfortable with. He went and saw him for 30 min. and that was it. My family says, and a few other preople say that I should make the calls and set the appointments for him. OK I can do that but I can't wrestle him into a car to go. I know he knows we are having issues and refuses to go. Some people think I should tell him he has to go. I have a problem with that. He is an adult. He knows his wants and needs. I am not his mother nor do I want to be I have two children already and do not want any more. Especially one three years older than me. I have talked the counseling issue to death. I ambeating a dead horse with a broken stick. Not that I am going to give up mentioning it every once in a while. Basically my asking for advice is asking for another angle. I have tried the obvious and a lot of not so obvious approahes.. I thought that if I started with our sex lives, something that is so intimate and bonding that it would start the ball rolling for the rest. Thanks for your thoughts I appreciate them.

Gabby, I so totally understand the stress you went through while your husband was away and I've been where you are. About 3 and a half years ago my daughters dad was killed in iraq. So when you say that the whole family goes to war you are soooo right. Then my husband now went to iraq, oh my was that scary. Well while I awaited his return, I had all these ideas and expectations from him. But wow was I wrong. Yeah we had sex but it just wasn't the same. Hell, he wasn't the same when he got back. No he never fired at anyone either but he knew what was going on and apparantly that was enough. I was sooo frustrated cause I wanted so much more and just like you the more i tried the more he rejected. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep.

I will say it did get better, but after a lot of patience on my part. The both of us had to learn how to readjust to each others life styles, wants and needs. Basically we had to leave sex out of it for awhile so that we could get back to just being US. You obvioulsy love your husband or you wouldn't put yourself through the torment, god knows it takes a lot of courage. Some may not like my advice but I would suggest putting sex out of it for awhile. Just get to know each other again. Let him and you adjust to life together again. You've both been without eachother for so long that you probably learned how to adapt and then to just jump right back in well its hard for both. Just take your time. It will get better cause it obviously cant get any worse.

[What To Do...]

Thank you! Yes I understand that he has come back from a war zone. And not to be mean or anything I was the wife (who by the only just missed being deployed with him becasue my child was too young for me to leave) who watched the news nightly praying there were no bombs. Who got a call one night at 3am saying that there was an accident with one of the units he was deployed yet one soldier was dead but they didn't no who yet( the girl in qeustion was in MY unit i would have deployed with and I knew her.) I had one year old and was pregnant while he called me talking about driving through the streets of KIrkuk and seeing the soldeirs with their weapons and having missles hit their camp. I was there too. Not in the war zone but from experience I can say while you are busy doing your dty there is someone at home doing theirs. That was me. I may not have seen things but every scrap of news was investigated. Every day without a phone call worried over. Do want to know the funny thing he says he never even fired a round that he sat on a hill and ate frozen pizzas and played videogames. He says that most of the Iraqis he met were really nice and still wrties to a few. He didn't even come close to live fire. Thank you GOD! I'm sorry but it irks me that people put this on them like it was all their stress. You do not send one soldier to war_you send their whole family.

Now that I am done with that I just have to say I am sorry to come of mean but I get it a lot. I understand that reading this you see me being very negative and down on him. I see it too. The problems we are having aresomething I don't know how to fix. I think you are right in the fact he would really enjoy being dominated. I feel uncomfortable doing it. I have tried though and he will only let me go so far. Oral sex is one of my favorite things to do for a man. I love the taste feel, sight I love it. He gets them frequently. I do not believe in the sexual raltionship of "you'll get yours when I get mine". It should be done with love and shared btween people like a gift. There is nothing more personal and private to me than my body. I dress modestly becasue I believe now that I am married the only one that should ogle the goods should be my husband. I am not saying however that when he comes home every now and again I don't special time to do my makeup and hair and dress a little more provacatively. That I don't try putting romance back into our relationship by making a nice dinner and finding a babysitter so we can stay home and watch a movie and eat dinner on the living room floor. Yes I have . This is not the problem it his reaction to things like that. a polite kiss and asking when the kids will be home. if he does touch it is more grope than caress and if I show himeby taking his hands and moving them he pulls away or if I like what he is doing he moves on and never returns. I am all for the tease but there is never a return either that time or the time after. I have a game I thought of that I tried and he stopped it in the middle. I made little cards on each there were matching pairs of body parts male and female. Like the childrens game Memory where you had find the two to match so that you could take them off the playing area if you found the two that matched that area would be bared to view. I was freshly shaved and showered the kids were in bed it was fairly early. He got up and watched TV. I know he doesn't have a problem with it becasue it goes up at the drop of a hat but he doesn't use it. When he does use it he barely thinks of me. I have sat him down and had serious discussions about what I would like to ry, wahat was bothering me what he would like to try in a nonsexual environment. When their is no reciprocatin and no communication back to me how do I get him to tell me what is wrong. How do aI suggest something without making us both feel two-inches tall. IThose are the answers I would like. Also there is no qeustion that I love him. Very much. He really is a great guy but sometimes I feel like I running uphill(never been great at that) and at what point do you give up and roll back down. I don't know I don't want to give up to soon becaseu beyond me and my feelings I have towo children that love their father very much.

And as for the orgasm I meant that I never had an orgasm that was induced by a man. I will get this close and then nothing. Yes I have tried toys and helping myself. I've tried but lets just say that it isn't a big deal to begin with and to finish off would take longer thaan the act. Its get in, get off, get out. With my toysHELLO! L:ove those things and if it weren't for them I think I would run screaming for thedoor sooner. But they let me live to another day without the brain fried fromthe frustration of a less than stellar bedroom play..

Ok, here is my perspective on this situation:

Your husband just came back from war, God bless him, and he has probably seen some things. I am talking a whole realm of things from extreme pornography to the normal (but horrible) war time things. He has been through the ringer. Men who come back from any time in a war are just not the same - it is unfortunate, but they are not.

I am not surprised that he doesn't want to be dominant. He was in the military. Contrary to what you might think, men who are powerful or who have high powered or stressful lives, jobs or situations (like military) do NOT usually like to be the dominant, they like to be submissive. Why? BEcause they are used to being the dominant in the rest of their life. They want someone to Dominate THEM. This is just the way it is.

As for him coming to bed after watching porn and saying "spread em" well, he is looking at 400 sex sites, there is no other way he can express it but that. He is horny, you are his wife, he wants sex, that is how it comes out. I am NOT excusing him, I am just saying he needs to rejoin you in a loving, caring, committed relationship now - and get out of the mindset of porn for whacking off.

Let's face it - contrary to what Crazy might think - porn is NOT the root of all evil. It does have a purpose, a time and a place. For our guys in the military, it gives them something to help deal with the stress of what they are going through AND in many cases, it helps them to stay faithful to their wives. In a relationship here, stateside, porn can be a way to reconnect and fire up the lovelife - but only if both people in the relationship are into it and enjoying it. What he is doing is bordering on deceitful and tht is hurtful to you.

I truly feel that he is trying to readjust to life here and he really doesn't quite know how to do that. If you love him, you will try to help him adjust. I do not mean to put all of this on your shoulders, hell, I know what it is like to have wants and desires and to not get them. He may get into the bondage thing later, after he has readjusted himself to normal sex.

For now, I would concentrate on reconnecting with him. Try to surprise him with sex, get him involved in it. Try to engage him in it. Give him blowjobs with nothing expected in return. Try to relieve some of his stress and things may be better for you.

Now, as for the part where you say you have never had an orgasm - that is a problem within itself. I think you have to learn how to find that orgasm yourself. You have to find your pleasure center - your clitoris - and find how to touch yourself until you have your O. My best advice is to lock yourself in the bathroom or bedroom, get naked, turn off the lights, light candles. Feel your whole body. Nipples, tummy, thighs. Concentrate on the sensations of it. When you get to your vaginal area, concentrate on pulling the lips and finding your clit. Play slowly, sensually. Rub your clit directly in a pace that makes you feel good. Do not think about anything but YOUR pleasure. If you are having trouble with your fingers, use a vibe just for the clitoral pressure. This will eventually get you to your orgasm - but you need to take the time to explore it.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Mikayla

[What To Do...]

Ok there are other factors in our relationship. We have sat down and talked about them. Nothing has changed . I have done about all I can do on that front believe me. As for the interrupting his porn here is the deal. I didn't know he was ding it until I was searching for a website I had visited and had lost the address. I went to the history portion of the google bar and there were a ton of sites that I didn't recognize. With my two year old standing besie me I opened the site to fing an orgy pop up full screen with sound. I couldn't figure out how to shut it off so I grabbed my sons went into thed back bedroom and waited for the noise to shut off. I left them there while I came out and shut the file. He had well over four hundred sites. I confronted him and told asked him where he found them time. He had been getting out of bed at night when our baby cried. He'd rock the baby to sleep and then log on and search porn. I told him that with everything els in our marriage I didn't know if it could handle the strain of this as well and asked him to stop. I also asked to see a counselor since I know this can be an addiction. It would not have cost anything and would be local becasue the military will pay for this type of thing as a post duty benefit becasue of there are a lot of these problems. I gave him the number and asked if he wanted to call. He said no he would do it I told him if he really liked it I would watch it with him. If ever felt the need to watch to please come to me and I would step it up a bit in the bedroom. I did too. He said he wouldn't do it again and I said fine. That was just the conversationin a nutshell. Anyway two weeks later I thought I would check up on him. He hadn't been doing it when he got out of bed so. Turns out he had been taking the wireless internet to the University library. Yep you geussed it. There were double the amount of sites and they dated to the day after we had the first fight. He had told me he called the counselor he hadn't. He even talkedto his parents and had them Have a "talk" with me and tell me it was a normal thing for all young men. He is 26 people! HIs parents. CMON! I had stepped it up in the bedroom and I had warned him and he still hadn't stopped . I had a lot of suggestions to take the internet out of our home. and take away the computer. I told them I saw no need to punish myself. and look what happened anyway.. He had access to computers at his parents who had no problem with it. At school and at work. I told him that that was it stop or we stopped. As far as I know he's stopped at least doing it at home. But the damage has been done. He lied and spent a lot of money on something that is detracting from our love lives.

As for the date. He will not plan one. If we have a date this is typical. WE are new in town and don't know very many people so our babysitting pool is limited. I have to find one. His parents live here and they refuse because if they do it once they think we will take advantage of them. He only wants to go to the movies and then to Burgur King. WE pick up the kids go home where he kisses me politely on the cheek says thanks and then plays Playstation while I get the kids ready for bed. WE have a problem All of which came out about a month after he got off of deployment. I am running out of ideas to help turn things around. He says he sees the problems but nothing in our home has changed.

[What Ladies Accessory Gets You Hot?]

I am not the show off type. I like to wear skirts that accents the legs. I also like to see just aenough of a hint of belly. If your doing that I think it so cool when there is a belly chain hooked to a navel ring. I am also with HOward on the delicate anklets and tnnis braclets. I think women are beautiful in their flowing forms. All the curves and softness. I think anything that accents how a woman feels sexy is sexy. You can tell by the woman walks in a certian skirt. Or how she does her hair and holds her hair with certian earrings and necklaces. Anything that gives her that "look at me I am the sexiest thing you'll ever see walkin'" look.

[Masturbation]

I think it depends on the womens erogenous zones. For example the small of my back is always something that I like to have touched, licked, ect. so the idesa of someone cumming on my back turns me on. My breast on the other hand while sensitive are not something I would enjoy as much. It's every womans preference.

[Shirabi]

That is awesome that you got to experience it. I know it is a technique that is hard to accomplish but I think that is what I like about it. Plus I think it is wicked sexy ! If I ever get the pleasure of having it done I will be sure to let you know.

Bondagejunkie did a good job of giving you some basics about this art - and believe you me, this is an art! Shibari is extremely hard to do if you do not know what you are doing. The ropes have to be the right width, strength and tied in just the right manner. My first boyfriend (of 7 years) was heavy into bondage - and thanks to him I have learned many things. One of the things I learned from him was how to be an active recipienct of Shibari bondage. We spent many, many nights trying to perfect certain ties - of course my favorites are the breast / crotch ties because they really add to the sensitivity of those areas!

My word of caution for anyone interested in this type of play: invest in good nylon bondage rope, read, read, read all you can on how to do it, always trust your partner, and have a SHARP knife handy (scissors won't work) to cut your partner out if it gets too tight. This type of tying takes practice and patience and rarely looks right the first time.

Let me know if you begin practicing this - there are some good books on the subject, let me see, I think the only title I can remeber is Shibari: The Art of Japense Bondage (Amazon has it)

Good Luck!

Mikayla

[Shirabi]

Hey, Thanks! I don't know really how to say it so when I go to spell it I can't get it right Thanks for the fix. I'll check out the sites.

Actually your spelling is wrong on this one. It's spelled Shibari. Also known as 'bari'. It's a form of japanese rope bondage. I haven't had any experience with it personally, but I think it could be a real turn on. I did find a couple of websites you might find interesting. The first is kind of a glossary of terms: http://rare.ropemarks.com/glossary/shibari.htm, and the second has tutorials and pics: http://www.shibari.info/ I just went to yahoo and searched for Shibari. Hope this helps you some.

[Shirabi]

Has anyone heard of SHirabi. I have seen a little bit of it and since my husband is not into bondage I have never done it but it looks intense. I have questions for anyone that can answer them.

[What To Do...]

You are funny! Anyway I don't think that I would do the whole vibrator thing in bed to me that seems mean and in general I try not to be mean on purpose. As for the sitting down and letting him know what is wrong with the situations, let me tell you the solutions I have treid and then maybe you'll have suggestions on how to move from there. I have sat with him at our kitchen table and told him what I want out of our sex lives. I've asked what he wants. Since he likes porn I offered to watch it with him even though its really not my thing. I like the real deal so much better. I have tried to toy shop with him and suggested that we maybe go to an adult toy store. No deal. In bed I have tried everything from verbal cues to physically putting his hands where they need to be. I have told him what I want and that things aren't working. Along with all the other stresses our marriage I told him this is something we need to work out because it should be unnessecary to stress about it. He has not tried to fix anything, still watches porn, and says that life is not like the romance novels and sex isn't great all the time. I can't expect him to plan sex. Sex is supposed to be sponataneous. I have replied that I don't need the multi-orgasmic sexual encounters the romance novels portray(but hey it would be nice) but at least ONE in three years that was not self -induced with smething rubber would be appreciated. Now what!?

In my mind, this is a real problem. I don't know that sex is a dealbreaker like you ask, but I will say that it is a KEY component to a happy marriage.

I may not be an expert, but to me it sounds like he just has become too involved with porn, and now that he is stateside, he doens't feel like jerking off. He figures, I did enough of that while I was over there, so now, I am home, my wife has a pulse and a vagina, I bet she would get something out if it too! This is why I truly despise pornography. I think it creates unreal expectations and can become the primary source of stimulation, thus decreaseing your desire for intercourse with your living, breathing, human spouse.

What you are asking for in, a little consideration, is nothing short of a basic quality in a loving marriage. I say, sit down with him in a non-sexual atmosphere, and in a non-threatening way, just lay out what your expectations are, and how you feel. Try to get him to understand that his sexual practices leave you unfulfilled and wanting something else. Or, if you just want to be mean, the next time he gives the order to "roll over and spread", when he is done, just whip out a vibe and say, thanks hon, but now I will let something that can actually get me off go to work. Then just lay back and get yourself off and put on a crazy show of moaning, panting and really acting like a porno girl, then when you are done, just say "I sure am glad I have that toy!"

Okay, so maybe that isn't the best way to go about, and I am just being sarcastic(as normal) and slightly bitter, but I am sure most of the men here agree, this soldier is not living up to his duty.

[Girlfriend Pictures In My House]

I am a child of divorce where my mother did cheat. I have read a few of the replies and I want to tell you some things. I was only nine at the time my mother cheated but I had an inkling before my dad did. You may not have told them and I don't suggest you do, that will just make things more uncomfortable, but they probably can gess. If not some family member will slip and tell them. Also I am of the belief that they are almost out into the big bad world themselves and you can't live your life for them because your YOUNGEST will be out of the house and on their own in 2 years. They will start living their own lives- you live yours. It doesn't cut them out. To help them I think you need to one sit your ex down and in no nonsense, no pulling punches terms tell her she has no chance and she is making it worse for her and the kids by continueing on in that vein. Make sure she is telling them the same thing or there is confusion.Then I think you should do what my father did. The only reference I have and I think he did GREAT! First he, from the get go, sat us down and told us he would NEVER have gotten a divorce if he wasn't sure it was over. He always said a marriage is a commitment and you do not break something like that unless you could not live in that situation anymore. It may hurt them during the conversation. I know there will be tears and questions but your children need to know your relationship with their mother is done. Not your reltionship with them. Reassure them they that you will never be out of their lives and no woman will change that. I agree with the suggestion of keeping a picture of their mother in the house where they can see it. It may make you uncomfortable but it is their house too. The pictures of your girlfriend I would regulate to your room, wallet and work. I f they have problem with that tell them just like their rooms it is your private place and they don't need to worry about it there. It is in fact none of their business. I can be very opininated on how to deal with situations so take everything I say with a grain of salt and do what feels right for you and your family.

[What To Do...]

My husband and I have been married for three years,have two kids and he was deployed with the military for almost two of them. He came back and now we are having problems. Wonder why? Anyway while he was gone he asked me to do some research into what I liked sexually, telling me that I was a prude and not very good in bed. So I did. I found that I am into being dominated. Nothing extreme and no where but in the bedroom. He won't even try it. Says that it isn't his thing and that it is kind of freaky that it's mine. Along with that there have been issues of him not coming to bed and watching porn of the internet and them coming in and asking me to "roll over and spread". Yes those were his words. I have never had an orgasm and always end up just frustrated. I have brought toys and asked if we could try differnt things. Since he likes porn I offered to watch it with him. No deal. I don't want anything extreme just a little consideration and some planning sometimes. Now don't get me wrong in the other aspects of our life he's ok. He's a great dad and he is fun to hang out with. I love him a lot. So any way here is the real question. WE have been having trouble and part of my issues with him is about our sex lives and if I want it this way. How important do you actually think sex is to a relationship? Is it a deal breaker when it doesn't get better and he takes no suggestions. I feel like maybe I am blowing it out of proportion but I just don't feel like this is the way it is supposed to be and quite frankly I don't want to be stuck in someething mediocre. Please tell me what you would do or try.

[What To Do...]

My husband and I have been married for three years,have two kids and he was deployed with the military for almost tow of them. He came back and now we are having problems. Wonder why? Anyway while he was gone he asked me to do some research into what I liked sexually telling me that I was a prude and not very good in bed. So I did. I found that I am into being dominated. Nothing extreme but just a little and no where but in the bedroom. He won't even try it says that it isn't his thing and that it is kind of freaky that it's mine. Along with htat there have been issues of him not coming to bed and watching porn of the internet and them coming in and asking me to "roll over and spread". Yes those were his words. I have never had an orgasm and always end up just frustrated. I have bought toys and asked and since he likes porn I offered to watch it with him. No deal. I don't want anything extreme just a little consideration and some planning sometimes. Now don't get me wrong in the other aspects of our life he's ok. He's a great dad and he is fun to hang out with. I love him a lot. So any way here is the real question. WE have been having trouble and part of my thought are about our sexlives and if I want it this way. How important do you actually think sex is to a relationship. Is it a deal breaker when it doesn't get better and he take no suggestions. I feel like maybe I am blowing it out of proportion but I just don't feel tlike this is the way it is supposed to be.