Let me start off by saying that I have let this domiante my life for way to long. You guys are a rare few to hear my story in it entiry but its about time that I start to open up and get this off my chest. I'm am opening up now not looking for pity, I'm letting evryone know in hope that it will help with the same or a similar situation that they are deliing with in life and to help me move foward in life. My older brother sexual mosleted me for years, through out grade school and for the first year of jr high school until one day I pulled a knife on him and threted to kill him that he stoped. I have lived my life with this on my mind and leting it control my life. I have not let anyone in my life get close to me and have never be able to be intamite with anyone. I was able to control my self until i was intived out with a freinds sister and was treated like an equal that all this hostility and mixed emotion came out. My father also had a stroke before I satered hanging out with my freinds sister. The presure was to much then I could handle because I was forced to grow up quickly. I had to be the sole supporter of the famile and be storong for the family. Eventualy I crack under all the persure, I just turend 21 and had all this pursure on me and I wasn't man enough to deal with every thing. I turned to. Liqour to help me deal with everything. I went out and drank to froget everything instead of just relaxing. There are many nights that I don't remeber at all. the first time that I really fucked up in life was new years 2008, me and father got into this huge fight and instead of me just blowing it off, I resorted to my good freinds that I really know quite well at this point jack, jimmy and johnny (jack daniels, jimmy walker, and jimmy bean). My home girl and her man who is also my friend where in a huge fight and were on the verge of braking up. So that night I stared texting her all king of shit like that I wanted her to be first and that her man was an asshole and her didn't desvre her and she should dump him and go with me. The next day I wake up with an ankel 3 times its regual size and haveing no clue what the fuck I diid until my freinds told me what I had done. Once I found out what a peiace of shit I was I sunk into a deep deperation and really stared to blame everyone for my problems, my brother my family, my freinds. I didn't thing it was on me instead it was everyones eles who was the root of my problems. I spent about 3 months on my own until one day my freinds gave me a seond chance, that I also fucked up. I trusted my home girl and her man so I told them what my brother did to me and what was going on in my lifee. It was all hood for a while, until I had another metal melt down I was mistaking true freindship for love. One night I had a wedding to go to and me and my father had another huge fight over the phone and he kickef me out of my house and my home girl offered tolet me stay at her house until everything cooled off. After thati got deeper and deeper into the achol. I got to a point where I was drunk at by 12 o'clock in the afternoon. One friday we went out and again me and my father got into a huge fight over the phone. By this time I was drunk anf also my all my freinds were to. I was outside fighting with my father on the phone my home girl came out and tryed to cool me off and bring me back inside the bar so I didn't do anything stupid and get arrested but I didn't want anything t do with that so I pulled away from her and eneded hiitiing her by accent when I pulled away from her. That night I spent on the street trying to figure out what happened and why my home girl wasn't answer any of my texts. I only found out when I was told the next day. I was in a deep deperation at that point but once I found out what I did to my home girl I sunk into a even deeper deperation. I got to a point in my life that I almosted killed my self several times.. one nigthi smoked weed and drunk myself stupid and ended up cutting myself and wakeing up with my bed covered in blood. I had cute myself from my palms all the way dowwn to my elbow. Till this day I have the scars from that nght. So now that I have tolld bmy story from the beging let me start with evrything that I have learned from all my mistakes in life. The first and most important thing that I have learned from this all is that it is no ones fualt but my own that all this had happen. Don't get it wrong I have learned that what my broth did to me was not my fualt and that I had no control over that, but what was in my control was to let this get the best of me and turning into an acholic intsead of seeking help. I have also leanrd that I had the ability to control my life instead of letting it control me.so this is my words to the wise, don't let your past control you and determine who you are. I speak from experiance when I say that turning to achol to deal with your problems is never the way to go because it only causes more problems. Also do not be to proude to seek profesional help no one would look down on you for it and if they do they are not your true freinds or family, ture freinds and family would stand by your side and help you with it. My home girl and her man helped me see this. I relized this almmost way to late to fix my life and it took me a very long time and a lot of work with therapist and support groups to relize this, so I hope that from reading my life story it will help someone with there problems and they don't walk down the same road as me and they relize that they need help before its to late.
