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Please Help, Need Advice


LostInKY

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unsure.gif I need advice on how to improve my sex life. I have an incredible fiance who I love very much and he loves me... blah blah blah.... I've always been a little timid in the bedroom. I had an abusive ex who kinda messed things up for me and now I need to get a move on and figure all this out. I'm sure my fiance would like to be doing a lot more "fun" things in the bedroom, not sure what but the signs are there. He's a few years older than me and I know he's MUCH more experienced and that kind of, well no really intimidates me. Any time I do feel like something crazy I always hold back... I don't want to look like an idiot or completely suck at what ever it is so we just don't do anything new at all. So what do I do to get started and figure out what I should be doing to make things more fun???? PLEASE HELP unsure.gif

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LostinKY,

First, congrats to you for recognizing some of your issues are due to a bad relationship. Moving forward starts with recognizing the root of our issues.

You are not alone. Many women are in your same situation. Telling you the answer is simple. Working thru it will be a little challenging but if you keep working on it, you will get there!

Confidence. You just need more of it. You need to be able to say and do without worrying about your fiance looking at you in a bad way.

Here is just a few things to help you:
1. Talk to your fiance - You might not be ready to sit down at the kitchen table and have a talk, but you might want to slowly make small comments in his ear during your foreplay/sex. This will start to get you and him to open up to one another. Be mindful of his reaction when you make these comments.

2. Understand men. For the most part, we are easy to please. I am guessing he would very much welcome your desire to improve your sex life. Say your fiance was horrible, at let's say, oral sex. If he told you he loved doing it and wanted to get your advice on how he could do it better, how would you feel about him? I am guessing you would be less concerned about him not being good at it, but loving the fact he was eager to please! See my point?

3. Don't give up. Baby steps. As long as you are making small steps forward you are improving your sex life and gauranteeing these problems will soon be in your past!

Best of luck to you and your fiance!

Rob

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Thank you for the advice, your example made it easier to think about.

I completely understand what you mean about all of it but how do I really start talking to him? What things should I say? I don't know what to say to have him understand exactly what I mean with out feeling like and idiot and getting into a huge discussion over it, which I'd rather not do.

He's only 4 years older than me but it still makes me feel a little insecure since I know he has had a lot more experience than me. Thats also a "problem" with it... he's not horrible at anything, he's amazing which just makes me more insecure.

I know he'd like to have more fun and do more in the bedroom but he never says anything about it to me. I think he may just think I enjoy only missionary and don't want to do anything else, but truth is I'm just too nervous to say or do anything about it.




QUOTE (Rob @ Nov 11 2008, 01:43 PM)
LostinKY,

First, congrats to you for recognizing some of your issues are due to a bad relationship. Moving forward starts with recognizing the root of our issues.

You are not alone. Many women are in your same situation. Telling you the answer is simple. Working thru it will be a little challenging but if you keep working on it, you will get there!

Confidence. You just need more of it. You need to be able to say and do without worrying about your fiance looking at you in a bad way.

Here is just a few things to help you:
1. Talk to your fiance - You might not be ready to sit down at the kitchen table and have a talk, but you might want to slowly make small comments in his ear during your foreplay/sex. This will start to get you and him to open up to one another. Be mindful of his reaction when you make these comments.

2. Understand men. For the most part, we are easy to please. I am guessing he would very much welcome your desire to improve your sex life. Say your fiance was horrible, at let's say, oral sex. If he told you he loved doing it and wanted to get your advice on how he could do it better, how would you feel about him? I am guessing you would be less concerned about him not being good at it, but loving the fact he was eager to please! See my point?

3. Don't give up. Baby steps. As long as you are making small steps forward you are improving your sex life and gauranteeing these problems will soon be in your past!

Best of luck to you and your fiance!

Rob

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Hi LostinKY,

I briefy skimmed the post you made on the board. It sounds like you were getting some advice you were looking for. I am really sorry for all that you went thru. Many women don't have the strength to walk away. Maybe one day you will be able to help another woman get the strength to leave a violent relationship.

What should you say? Start with what YOU are comfortable with. You might want to play a sex board game. This will help break the ice because it is the game making you answer the questions and talk about topics you might be a little reserved to bring up on your own.

You are both young. You both have lots of growing to do. Your fiance is not open emotionally? This is very common in people. Unfortunately it is also the cause of people not being able to grown and mature as a human beings. He may need some help. Insecurity is the cause of so many problems and this most likely the issue here. Don't take this lightly. Don't accept, 'this is just who I am talk.' I doubt he would say this, but just in case! smile.gif

Good for you and him for opening yourselves up to become better people to one another. Good for you and please keep us updated!

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Don't be intimidated by him.Talk to him and learn what he knows.Put what you learned into practice.Not all of it at once,but try one new thing you have discussed every time the two of you are together.Before you know it you wil be as experienced as he is.
Thats when the real fun begins!!Remember your only limited by your imagination.
Good luck and have fun.

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