Seven

My husband explained to me this morning that I shouldn't need a penis or him to fulfill my needs. He said there was a difference between want and need and sometimes I needed it. What if he was paralyzed? He said, "you're always saying how masturbation isn't as satisfying for you, how you need me and how you want my cock." Yeah, I say that and it's true. I never get off as hard masturbating but it isn't that he's a tool, it's that he turns me on and I look into his eyes and I love him. I explained that to him. He said I punish him for not wanting me. Well, yeah - I get upset after awhile, I'm not trying to punish him but I do get irritable and tend to snap at people after awhile. And that sex for me was a need. Yeah, it is ... I mean, I kinda thought people had that need. One member on this forum put it really well, "for ME--sex doesn't mean anything if there is not some type of "connection". I think there are a lot of women who feel this way too.I have told my husband time and time again that without some type of emotional connection SEX IS MEANINGLESS for me." I'm the same way. Intimacy and being loved are intertwined with sex in my marriage. Back when I was single, honestly I didn't care. If I was in the mood I went to visit a friend and we took care of that and had a few laughs. We both understood it was a physical thing. My husband is really good at sex. He lasts from 20-30 minutes and turns me on like crazy. But lately I feel like he is holding back in the emotional intimacy department. He doesn't want to make out, and if he does kiss he wants to make sure there are no strings attached. It does not mean we will be having sex later. During one week out of the month my hormones go crazy and I can't help but turn into a sex kitten. I dress sexy, act sexy and well....I really want it. Other times of the month aren't so bad...I can kinda tune it out. I work out at the gym and eat right so I like to think that I'm actually a little bit sexy. I don't feel sexy, beautiful, loved, wanted, cherished etc. right now. He said that he would give it to me when he felt like it was right and as a special gift. To me this sounded like, 'when I'm in the mood I'll do you a favor and let you feel my cock.' I don't understand this. I'm trying to wrap my head around how I will take care of my own needs. Not want him until he wants me. Appreciate his special gift and keep my trap shut if I want it any other time. I feel so stupid and humiliated. God, there I was wearing sexy pink undies thinking I was hot and I just was "a duty to perform". Honestly I'm not sure if I can take care of my sexual needs by myself. And I'm not so sure if I have to take care of my needs by myself that I will still want him at all. Maybe it is selfish and horrible, but I'm a little wild, I have wigs and short school girl skirts and lots of toys - unused. I've begged him to just give me a try, just let me be me and that I think he would like it. The thing is, I'm not longing for toys or porn - I want to get frisky. It's kinda a want and a need. He says he's under a lot of stress right now and I just add to it. All his stress seems to be my fault. He has a PS3 (new), a modded xbox 360 -- you know -- lots of fun things. I shop thrift for my clothing, I don't spend much and I cook and clean just to prove to him that he can trust me, that he can have all his fun stuff and he doesn't have to give it up in order to love me. I feel so horrible right now and unloved and unwanted. He says stuff like, "well maybe I need viagra" - I pointed out that it doesn't make you horny, just hard. he said, oh. I can't help but think, 'wow, wouldn't it be nice to have a guy who WANTED me and thought, holy yeah - bring it on sexy.' Sorry to go on about this. I didn't want to tell anyone I knew in real life because maybe anyone would think I'm a freak. Don't mean to whine. Can anyone explain this want/need thing to me? Should I really wait until he feels like it? He said that maybe as early as a couple of days from now he would want it. Meanwhile I have to sleep by someone I can't have. Sucks.