I have a history of sex abuse/rape. This has left me with issues in intimacy with my boyfriend. He is the 1st guy in my life who treats me too good and sometimes it scares me because its just not what im used to. My BF has mentioned some things about our sex life that until he said something i had never noticed. He knows i love him very much & this really made me notice how screwed up I am. Things like: i never initiate sex, he always feels like he has to pressure me into it but then once he does i enjoy it, in the beginning of our relationship.. the first 6 mo. he said i seemed unattached during like i wasnt really into it (sex to me has always been more or less something I do because I am supposed to .. it’s always to me been about my partners pleasure not mine) , i cant talk about what turns me on when he asks and i apologize too much. What i could never admit to him though is i am very stimulated by rough humiliating/degrading sex. Thats“ my” normal I wont admit that to anyone! I feel broken and wrong. i have been having a lot of old memories coming back & cant seem to shut them out.. to a point of wanting to confront my memories.. To regain control.. but my head goes another direction and i have started setting up a“ consensual non consent” with a stranger. I feel so bad but i cant stop thinking if i can face everything all at once if i can re write it i guess then i can change it. Am I crazy? I love my BF so much and he is not the type of person to do those types of things in bed and i just want to know if anyone else has been through these feelings after those experiences? Is there hope for a normal sex life? I feel so disgusting you’re not supposed to want to experience rape after rape .. what’s wrong with me?
