Carebear

Thank you Chris4u. I really appreciate what you wrote. It puts things in perspective. You are right, sex is not what makes a relationship. And, I suppose if I got right down to what the problem really is, it would probably be the lack of communication as to why he doesn't want it as often. Perhaps it could be our pasts... I was in a relationship where I never wanted it (and now that I want to, I can't get enough) whereas, his past relationships consisted mainly of sex (and now, he realizes that sex is not the focus of a relationship and therefore doesn't want it as often.) Perhaps. I think counseling would help, just because we are both too much alike and do not like to address problems. He's a little better at it than I am, and I admit that. I don't say things when I think them, I wait until I become upset after dwelling on it for some time. But the problem with counseling is that it sounds great, but actually getting down to it and going to a therapist, etc. isn't that easy. As for fear of initiation. That is tricky. I mean, I do give subtle hints. And, sometimes I give even more than subtle hints. It's the times when he completely ignores them, or doesn't give me a hint to proceed, when I feel rejected. I don't want to leave him. Yes, I'm frustrated and sometimes I feel like, oh yeah, I could find someone who would want me all the time. But, I don't want someone else. I know it is a problem that I am willing to work through. He is a wonderful guy. The kind of guy I've always wanted. Not just some dream guy... but my dream guy with all the weird idiosyncrasies that are attractive to me. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'll let you know what happens. I'm thankful for all the replies because it points out various factors that I didn't think of when I began dwelling on this problem! It is a problem, and I think we could both compromise a little in order please eachother. It just feels like right now, I'm the one compromising sexual felicity! Another question: Any suggestions on what I could do that would just drive him wild? A little input from a guy or from a woman that knows what works would be GREATLY appreciated!! (I'm talking about something that would render rejection obsolete... ha!)

In response to Rob... Same as Mikayla. Only, I want to add that I realize that when he says it is going to get better, I feel frustrated. Because, I ask him what it is that he needs... Do I need to do something. Would he rather be with someone else? I ask, but he just says that it isn't me, it's him... he's just not a sexual person. That is all, then he turns things around on me and says that I need sex in order to believe that he loves me. Yes, in a way that is true. Sometimes, I wonder. If he doesn't want to make love to me, then it's either because he wants someone else, or he doesn't want me. I suppose. It's really difficult for me to confront these problems, and by finding this website (I was lookign for something, anything, to interest him sexually) I can at least express how crappy I feel to people I know have no clue who I am. And it's not so bad. I realize not all people are sexual gods and goddess's (like many of you are from what I've read) but at the same time, I know there is more than what I'm getting here...

In response to Mikaylah, about meds... He used to smoke marijuana everyday. And he has since tried to quit since we have gotten together. I'm sure he hasn't quit completely (I know he hasn't) but I know he doesn't do it as often. Very seldom. I think this may have something to do with it, but I'm not positive. Performance anxiety is part of it. He has mentioned that he hates to just give me a quickie b/c he thinks that I wont be satisfied. And, sometimes he's right. But I think that is just me, and has nothing to do with him. I enjoy it, I just don't get off every time... Right now, he is doing his weekend (he is in the Airforce Reserves) and I can't really have good talk with him over the phone, so I will let you know what happens when he gets back. I'm really in love with him, but I realize that if this aspect of our relationship doesn't get better, then I don't know how we will face even more difficult problems.... It just sucks sometimes. And I'm a type of person to avoid conflict and problems. I know that I have to address it more forcefully than I have in the past. It's just scary sometimes. Thank you.

I'm just curiuos how long it takes other women to cum when their guy is going down on them. I feel like it takes me a long time, and I feel sorry for him. And that makes it even harder for me... And another question, how can I get my guy to get me off everytime before we have sex. It is easier for me to get off during sex, if I did before. Suggestions?

I'm new to this forum and this type of thing... But here goes... My guy, who I live with and hope to marry, is having a sort of problem with sex. It' very complicated... sometimes it feels like he just doesn't want to be with me, It was not a problem in the past because he's been with many people. With my ex, I never wanted sex because (as bad as this sounds) I wasn't really attracted to him in that "DRive me crazy" way. But, once I got going, the sex was good. But I never initiated it and I could go a long time without it. But with J******, it's different. I'm crazy about him. I think about having sex with him all of the time. The problem started about 7 months ago (when we had only been dating 3 months). I just felt like for us being a new couple, we didn't have sex very often. When I say often I mean we were having it 2 x a week. On St. Patrick's day, I came over and was ready, but he had wasn't, and it became an issue because he said he didn't want to feel pressured into having sex. Since then, I've been scared to initiate it. Everytime it happens, he initiates it. And it gives him a sort of power over me becuase he knows I want it all the time. I have a problem with initiating anyway because of a fear of rejection. I know that being confident is sexy, but I can't get there until I know what it is that turns him on, etc. And I know he doesn't like initiating it all the time. Multiple times, we've had sex and he doesn't get off. He doesn't sleep very well at night either, I don't know if this has any relevance or not. He says he's just not a very sexual person. But I find it hard to believe because a.) he's been with many women, b.) he knows quite a bit. Am I just being paranoid in thinking that he is just not attracted to me... maybe I'm not exciting enough for him... Or maybe I'm the girlfriend who just doesn't "Drive him crazy". Although he says he loves me and wants to marry me. It's been a problem, and we have discussed it numerous times, and it's not even that much of a problem anymore b/c I am getting used to having sex only once or twice a week. He says he knows that he has a problem, that it will get better. But I feel like I am nagging him whenever I want to discuss it, and I know that probably makes him want it less. When I ask him if its me, if he wants anything different, he just says that it's him. But I don't see how it's going to get any better unless he does something to fix, or I do. But, I'm curious if any one has any suggestions. I know he likes new positions and everytime we have sex it has to be different. I'm thinking that he thinks its getting old or something. I am somewhat of a prude, I guess. It's just that it is really hard for me to let go. I want to, but once again, fear of rejection I suppose. I've only been with one other man (my ex) and sometimes I feel inferior, like I don't know enough as I should. That's what I've been doing today. Trying to enlighten myself to the world of sex that is not common for me. Maybe I'm just being insecure. But if someone thinks that I could do something, then just let me know. I'll take any kind of suggestion...