ithurts

TO TOTALLY, UNDENIABLY, BE LOVED FOR ME, BY MY HUSBAND OF 25 YEARS

My husband had an ongoing workplace affair until she was fired a few years ago. She (they) were even brazen enough to have sex at his and my home (outside, by the fireplace as well as in our woods) while our young son sat inside awaiting my return home from work. They both got out at 2:30, me at 6:30. It took me a few months/years (??) to figure it out. I can't express how much this hurt, because I used to "defend" her at company functions, where she was called "fat...her name". He even called her that in front of me. Then one day she appeared at our house, needing "help" with her son who was "in trouble". Looking back I think it was pre-planned by them, not expecting me to be home. Then she started coming over "if it was alright with (me)". Initially I thought he was trying to be her friend only, until months later I could tell my son was very uneasy when I came home and she was there, not saying why. He and she were out at the fire, easily seen from the window even though it was dark out, laughing and quite drunk. I went out and before I even had the chance to get my first thoughts processing, she repeatedly rubbed her ass on him as she walked by him. I then IMMEDIATLY knew I had been fooled all along, and told her to leave immediatly. She has been "STALKING" he and me ever since that day, in spite of the fact she is married (3rd time), I doubt her husband has a clue. To make matters worse, her "best friend" is the personnel manager where he works, so she is constantly updated about him. Currently she is attempting to get him to look at her IM profile, which includes her MySpace address. He can't quit his job because we are very close to being broke and he has no college education and is in his lat 40's. It hurts when he gets (too) drunk and fingers/writes her name on me during sex, which he keeps saying "I'm writing dirty words" as if I can't tell what the letters are. There is NEVER any warning. He just DOESN'T GET IT. I know he loves me but I just can't understand why the drinking brings her to our bed over and over. Why doesn't he understand that this "fantasy" is NOT THE SAME AS A FANTASY ABOUT SOMEONE HE'S NEVER MET? If it weren't for loving him so much, as well as I would NEVER hurt my son that way, sometimes I have a "fantasy" about blowing out my brains, usually the next morning after everyone is gone and I'm all alone and I can see that damn fireplace. I hate my life, but not enough to leave him, because I know in his strange/selfish life, he DOES love me. Why did he do this to me?