fay88

It's great to get other people's thoughts on all this... I just couldn't bring myself to drag current friends or relatives into it, but I really needed to bounce my feelings off someone. Thanks for your input. Just to clarify, my ex is NOT married now. I think that's one reason his contact has rocked me. The last time he contacted me (15 years ago), he'd finally divorced his first wife. I was dating someone, so we talked off and on for a few months, then lost contact again. Now he's divorced from wife #2 and I guess I'm worried that he's fishing. I think I did a good job explaining to him (in email) that I'm very happy with my life right now and that I hope we can be friends. But in the (few) quiet moments that I've had since his messages started showing up in my inbox, I guess I've doubted my own motivations for staying in touch a bit. I avoided falling for him a second time 15 years ago (when I had a lot less to lose), so I'll have to do that again now! As for how I'd feel if my husband had an old love contact him, we've already been through that! He traded letters, e-mails, even a few phone calls (at work) with his ex a couple of years ago, and we survived that with very little problem. That's why I want to be honest with him about my contact with my own ghost from the past. Better go. Thanks again!

Thank you! I found your reflections and advice very helpful and reassuring. I desparately want to handle this right -- I don't want to blow off someone I cared for (still do, in some ways), but my husband and children are definitely my first priority. Lucky for me, I suppose, that when my ex left me and went back to his then-wife it was because he hoped to work on his marriage for the sake of his family (he already had one child at that point). Only he can decide if that was the right decision (since his marriage ended in divorce a few years later anyway), but it's a good reminder for me that I am a very lucky woman to be in a mostly healthy marriage... one worth staying commited to and, as you suggest, working on if need be. But it's also good to hear that you've managed to maintain a friendship with your high school girlfriend. I really did (still do) care about the personal welfare of my ex, and hope I can strike some sort of balance between too much (!) and too little contact. Thanks for "listening."

I am happily married and very much in love with my husband of 10 years. Recently, my first love (first lover, too, as it happens) looked me up (online). Don't know how he found me (I've moved several times, changed to my married name, lost track of friends we'd had in common), but he did and we've exchanged a few e-mail messages. He really hurt me when he left me 20 years ago to go back to his wife (yes my "first" was an extramarital affair). But I loved him so much. And the split hurt me so much that I even tried to take my life. Still, I thought I'd forgiven him for the hurt... about 15 years ago he looked me up, and we spoke civilly by phone. We even met once to talk/catch up about 15 years ago, and that went well. But I wasn't married then, and this time is so different. I can't seem to stop thinking about him and yet I'm so afraid that I'm going to end up hurting my husband and children if i can't shake these thoughts! Any advice?