KentJ

Wow! This board is really good therapy in that I am not just rolling the thoughts around in my mind. All of you have let me know that I am not being unreasonable in reapeatedly asking my wife to get into therapy - individual and couples. I guess I was not clear in stating that I have been in therapy, as I felt the pain of the multiple losses. The interesting thing is that I felt responsible for the miscarriages. I say it was interesting, because we went to one of the worlds most successful fertility practices. What we learned there was that they could find nothing wrong with either one of us. As a matter of fact, we were told that we were the healthiest couple they have ever seen. I know that was supposed to help, but it only added to our frustration. We finally put an end to the prosess because it was physically and emotionally destroying us. Sex was not a time to enjoy, it was a "command performance" whenever she was ovulating. Over the six, almost seven years, only once was I not able to produce an erection within minutes (I did perform within the hour). All the time, I attempted to keep it as "loose" as possible. The problem was that my wife frequently was not able to relax and derive pleasure from the intercourse. Look, I know that she was feeling the pressure, which is why I knew that one of us had to maintain some semblance of humanity. Without a smile, life is nothing but awful! We are not awful people. And we don't have an awful life. We have family that loves and supports both of us. The in-laws enjoy spending time with us, and we them. We spend vacations - skiing, golfing, hiking, beaching - together. That said, both sets of parents had their issues as parents - whose don't. My wife and I have talked about them, and how we want to avoid those mistakes with our kids. The cruxt of the issue is that I believe that therapy works only if you are willing to accept the pain of confronting ones issues. I think I have become a better person by participating. I think my wife is afraid that she will become completely unraveled if she truly engages in the process. It is funny but she goes to the point of a little pain, and then she refueses to go further. I understand it better now because I see that therapy means that she has to be out of control in that she has to go where the pain takees her. And as I read over my previous words, I did not mention that we both are "control freaks". I consider myself to be "in recovery", as I am better able to control the critical, and let flow the dribble as a result of therapy. I would not be in such a place if it were not for the trajedy of our losses. I guess I have babbled on for much to long, and now feel a bit guilty about the middle verbage. The truth is that I do love my wife. I am an optimist and belive that we can get our physical relationship to a point where we can begin to explore our sexual wants and desires while parallel pathing our emotional relationship. I believe that we both need that. I also agree that our children need that from us. We need to be loving role models, so that our children are better empowered to ultimatley look for a mate that gives, nutures and derives pleasure from shareing. Thank you all for you words. Thanks for talking from your hearts and from your experiences. There are so many people with courage who contribute here. Ii respect and treasure you. Njoy

Pinkygirl and Mikayla: Thanks for your thoughts. This is why I "stepped from the sidelines" and put our situation out there. The truth is that it took me more than three years to get my wife to go to therapy. I thought we needed it, and that she needed it, as I did. The problem was that she would only go to four or five sessions, and then would stop. I then tried to talk her into going by her self, but she refused. I know that this has been a painful part of our lives together. As good as we were about communicating, it has been a struggle to get past this. Now that I think about it, I am sure that I have gotten to a place of living with it, as I don't think it will ever disappear. I don't think any tragedy ever leaves, it only gets put into a place where the pain is managable. I am sure that I felt courage to see support here, because I have been watching the HBO series "tell me you love me". In the show, a couple confronts fertility issues. It is very realistic. It conjured up some old ghosts. That said, I know that we will slowly have to work our way to our new selves. My problem is that I know that I cannot "drag" my wife to get help. The irony is that she is a staunch advocate of therapy...for everyone else. But she says that she doesn't dwell on the past, and focuses only on the future. I am reading as much as I can to seek alternative "ways in" to help, but I am challenged to maintain my resolve. And candidly, I am about masterbated out! After five years of "sex on demand" and another five years of "virtual celebacy", I am doing my best to not react in a typical male fashion. Our children are wonderful. My wife is a very good mother to them. We both belive that they were destined to be our sons, as we see so much of each other and our families in them (nuture and nature). We just need to learn how to "play" - inside and outside of "the bedroom". Again, thanks for your input. Njoy

I am married - fourteen years. My wife and I are very driven people; others describe us as over achievers. We are on the same page on most things that affect our lives. Our biggest disconnect happens to be with sex. I have always had a substancial sex drive. My wife new this about me prior to us getting married. We discussed sex privately, and with a group of members of our church prior to getting married. All that to say, that we both agreed that sex is a critical part of any marriage. Our sex life was fine, until we experienced multiple miscarriages. We were never able to carry a pregnancy full term. We are parents through adoption. We have spent a few stints in marriage/couples counciling. While our relationship is evolving on a number of vectors, our sex life is awful. Over the past five years, we have not had sex more than 10 times. I am committed to our relationship. We both belive in the vows that we took to each other. We are committed to staying married. What I cannot understand is what I need to do to increase the frequency of sexual play. If you are to ask my wife what type of lover I am, she would tell you that I am considerate and enthusiatic -those are her words that she shared with our therapist. And to be honest, I always work to stimulate my wife to orgasm prior to my having one. There are times when I do not climax, but only provide my wife with one - orally, digital stimulation or intercourse. After sex, I will cuddle when she wants, and I will also roll-over and leave her alone when she wants that. In short, I am trying to be a "modern male" sensitative to my wife's needs, but mine are not being met. And before you ask, yes I have discussed this with her. I have told her that I need to have sex more often. I have told her that I want to have sex with her. That I am still very much attracted to her. I tell her this when we are clearing the dining room table, when we are running together, when we are engaged in sex. I tell her that I love her body, the way she smells, the way she tastes, and the way that she coos when I touch, taste, nibble and caress her in those places that she likes me to do so. She responds, "I know". While I am a middle aged male, I keep myself in great shape - good diet, running at 4:30 AM and in the gym when I can. My wife's colleagues and friends comment that I am a good looking guy, and very nice. This sounds vain, but I am frequently "hit on" by women from 21 - 61. My wife thinks that it is funny. It makes me feel awkward, and always surprises me when it happens...hell I am almost 50! Help! I enjoy sex as adult play. I enjoy sex as a critical means for stress relief. I don't want to stray from my relationship, because it would be wrong, hurtful (to both of us) and because I desire my wife. I need some real people to weigh in. Our therapist stated that she could tell that the two of us are still very much attracted to each other, but that we have to work at it. And finally, yes I do more than help around the house; inside and out. Heck my wife laughs because I even fold underwear. How do we get back to having sex at least once a week? And how do I get her to get past, "you know what I like". We are doing the same things that we did when we started dating. If I bought her a toy, she would feel insulted.

Whittibo, Wow! It is interesting to read about your situation, as there are similarities to mine with my wife in that sex appears to be relegated to a lower priority. I like you intellectually can understand it, but emotionally and physically find it very difficult to accept. In one breath, I think it would be great for my wife to spend a couple of hours reading through the forum to see that there are many people who really do understand that sex is adult play time, especially for married couples. But then I also know that her response - as it always is - is that "guys always think about sex". Funny thing is that before we were married, I told her that sex was important to me, and that it always would be. We had this discussion, because we began to hear from friends who were married for 5 years or more that they only had sex once or twice a month! Well, here we are 14 years later. I still lust after my wife. I love the look, feel and smell of her. I am a very generous and giving lover, and she readily admits that. But our sex life is so limited in frequency that I am losing my mind! I too have had to accept intercourse that is prefaced with "you need to finish" after I have spent over forty minutes of foreplay - massage, manual and oral stimulation from the top of her head to the tips of her toes that results in at least two to three orgasms. But I have to hurry up and get it over with HELP! So for now, until I can get her to begin talking about sex, other than "I think about it sometimes too". I guess I will have to tolerate the current situation. That means more time reading here and frankly self pleasure. Sorry for venting, but your words felt so familiar. Hang-in there! I hope it gets better sooner. Finally, I have to agree with Howard, the thing I would love to complain about is having a wife who was so willling and enthusiastic about sex. I must not be doing something right?

Hello All! I too am new to this site. I think that there is so much good information and "dialogue" that I felt compelled to join and actually post - this is the first and only online forum that i have joined. I look forward to returning on a regular basis.