CyanSeas

Well we had another date. It was fun - lots of easy flowing conversation. Still couldn't get the fact that he was a bit too "animated" for my taste out of my head. But I could also tell he was attracted to me - he engineered a couple situations to try to "set the mood" for some action, such as bringing me up to the roof of a tall parking structure which had a stunning late night view of Los Angeles. We were the only two up there, and if it were someone else, would have been a perfect make-out moment but I yakked away the entire time to prevent it from happening. A few drinks later, and he grabbed me, spun me around, and kissed me. We made out for a bit outside at 2am against a tree. Sounds rather romantic, but for me, I did it because I do like him (as a person) and I just enjoy kissing and being kissed, but there was no fire there. I'm still thinking about someone else... With this being my first "dating experience" in about 7 years, I'm not quite sure how to end it. Ideally, I'd rather it transition into friendship because I am fond of the guy, but I don't want to lead him on in thinking that I have romantic feelings or attraction to him. So... now what?

Wow. You just made me realize that I feel this way about many of the men in my life - dates and friends. I feel mentally and physically stronger in the face of confrontation/dangerous situations than the great majority of my male friends. I suppose society's changing. My ex boyfriend is 13 years older than me; he grew up in a different time, different standards. Men my age seem to be a bit softer. Some may see this as a good thing. Shouldn't we be glad that men are more open about their feelings, exploring different things that women have traditionally enjoyed (fashion, skin care products, gossip)? Equality for all, in all things, right? But meh, I like my men a bit rougher.

Okay, so I've gone on a couple of dates with this man I met through Match.com. I was the one who contacted him (in being proactive about finding distractions per my other thread). His sense of humor on his profile was a perfect fit for mine: self-deprecating, sarcastic, intelligent. We emailed each other back and forth for about two weeks before we met. Our banter in the emails were great. So we met for a casual "date" in a bar. And my first impression of him was "hmm, he's a bit short, but cute" and my 2nd was "wait - is he gay??" After two dates now, I still can't shake the notion that he might be gay. I suppose I don't have any real reasons for thinking he's gay, it's just my perception I suppose. He's very lively when he talks - animated. He's only 2 years older than me, but he seems excitable, hyper, easily surprised. I know none of these things means he's gay. Besides, why would a gay man date a woman?? No really, why? Is this a known thing? Is it possible? I was talking to a male friend about this and he suggested it may just be my taste in men. I grew up in the Northeast - very urban, hard, a bit cold and impersonal. This guy was born and raised in Los Angeles. My previous boyfriend is from the same city as I am and he's very much a "man's man." He can rewire an entire house, just built a bed from wood he bought at Home Depot, loves his beer, cigars, dogs, etc. (though he's also a great cook, does all the cleaning, and dresses very well). Am I making unfair comparisons? Perhaps this guy is just "metrosexual?" Or perhaps I've been out of the dating world for so long (7 years) that I'm not used to what men are like now and am being influenced by out-dated notions of what a man is really like. Or perhaps I should listen to my gut? I do enjoy hanging out with him - we have great conversations - but I'm holding back and feel a bit turned off by his... his something. Can't quite put my finger on it. Any thoughts?

So, I guess it's over. Part of me had wanted to get together one last time, but I don't think it's going to happen. I haven't seen or talked to him since Monday morning, and it really does get easier. It was the communication and constant contact that made it hard to let go. Though it is very hard to let go. I wanted to see him last night. Caved and sent him a text, but he didn't respond. I'm both sad and grateful that he didn't. Him being firm is helping me be firm. I didn't go crazy nor felt the urge to keep texting him or calling him. I just thought "Hmm, okay. This is the way it should be." I still miss him. I will try to distract myself with other things. Friends. Housework. Gym. The guy I've been on a couple dates with: I made sure he knew from the start that I wasn't looking for anything serious, so I think I'm in the clear there. I'm not with him to prove anything to myself, in fact, I have many suitors, I just feel a bit guilty that my motives to be with him aren't to be with him, but to distract me from Jack. At the same time, I haven't given this guy any false impressions about my intentions, so I hope I'm not doing a horrible thing. (Speaking of which, I need some thoughts about him - I'll start a new topic.) Anyway, I don't feel the need anymore to contact Jack. And as long as I don't see him, I think I can keep this up. But if he were to contact me... I just hope I'm strong enough to resist.

Thanks for the input, everyone. Everything you've all said, I already know, but it does help to hear it from other people. It's just so frustrating to have been attracted to this man for nearly 3 years, to have left my boyfriend to pursue my attraction for him, only to find out that he has a girlfriend! What kills me is that my boyfriend and I were "broken up" for a year and a half during this time, but we were too lazy to move on and still spent most of our time together. Jack and I talked about this - he was single then and we both wished I had acted upon my attraction to him. Talk about missed opportunity! But you're all right. I should move on, get away from him. If he really wanted to be with me, he would. Though I never indicated that I wanted a relationship with him, and he's never made any false promises to me. Our relationship, if you can call it that, has been mainly physical. Yet, I'm inching ever so closer to the point where I want more, and that's not good. I have to end it before it gets harder. As for asking him to make a decision or set an ultimatum, I have thought about it, but just like how I don't want to be the "tramp that broke them up" I also don't want to be the kind of girl that makes demands and sets deadlines. Perhaps it's called for in this case, and perhaps I'll regret not trying, I'm just not sure yet how I want to approach this. If me bringing it turns ugly (I'm sure it'll cause him a lot of stress) I don't want our "relationship" to end on our sour note. If I just walk away now, we'll at least have some very hot, intense memories that won't be marred by a serious twist at the end. He's moving in with her next week, which I know is a big step in any relationship. We can't be doing this once he's actually living with her. We've talked about a "last hurrah" this weekend. I just need to figure out how I'm going to end it - a wild night of passionate sex, or a night of serious talk and ultimatums. :-\ I'm leaning towards the former just because it's easier and has no potential of ending on a sour note.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. That's my biggest fear... if I will ever feel this way about someone again. I've never felt so strongly attracted to someone, not even my boyfriend whom I was with for over 6 years. Before him, I was with my fair share of men, but never ever has anything come close to this. I would say the closest thing was my juvenile, make-me-swoon crush I used to have on Jude Law. But this isn't a celebrity, it's real. And there are real emotions and real feelings involved, real people that could get hurt. I know what I should do. I do know better. I just somehow need to find the willpower to walk away. I have a man interested in me. We've dated a few times. He's a nice guy, but I don't feel the same attraction for him as I feel for Jack. Maybe it's unfair to compare. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high? Should I distract myself with him, or would that be unfair to him also? I would feel as if I'm using him, and he won't even know he's just what I'm "settling" for. Maybe I'll join a nunnery! :-\ Being single isn't as fun as I thought it would be... humbug.

(LONG STORY - I need some advice, bad.) While I was in a very committed relationship (we lived together) I noticed a waiter at "our restaurant" watching me a lot. I'll call him Jack. I could tell Jack was attracted to me, and I in turn found him very attractive as well. I never acted on my feelings because I had a boyfriend, who was oblivious to Jack's attention. For the first 8 months of this year, my boyfriend and I lived on different coasts. I started to go out by myself instead of moping around, and Jack and I talked for the first time after noticing each other for 2.5 years or so. He was promoted to bartender, so I couldn't avoid him since I'm a regular at the bar. Our attraction was immediate and intense. The sexual energy was amazing. We knew exactly what to say to each other to get our hearts pounding. After a few months of flirting, I broke up with my boyfriend. I knew it wasn't fair to him for me to be having these feelings for Jack, and I also realized that my feelings for my boyfriend weren't as strong as they were when we first got together (it had been over 6 years). We talked, and I told him about Jack. He was hurt, but we're now good friends. To continue, now that I was free to pursue my feelings for Jack, one night he invited me to a house party after his shift. I also learned that same night that he... HAD A GIRLFRIEND! I was so mad. He has been very forward with his attraction to me over these past months, with no mention of having a girlfriend. I, on the other hand, flirted back but I did bring up my (now ex-) boyfriend a lot. I went to the party because I wanted to confront him on this. We got away from the crowd and talked. We talked about bad timing. He asked me if I had noticed him, all these years, wanting me. The yearning and regret in his voice was evident. He said that he wished I had did something, anything, to give him a sign that I was also attracted. He had no idea I even noticed him. The way he said "I didn't even think you knew my name" still makes my heart jump. He's only been with his girlfriend for a few months, but he doesn't want to hurt her and he cares about her very much. Well, to make a long story short, we ended up making out at the party, despite it all. We hated ourselves in the morning. Yet after a few days of ignoring each other, we were calling and texting each other. I've never been so physically attracted to a man in my life. It's been building for nearly 3 years. Well, one night it happened. AND IT WAS THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. I know he feels the same. He's told me the last time he wanted a girl this bad was when he was a teenager (he's in his early 30s now), and it was no where near as intense as it is with me. But he didn't want to hurt his girlfriend, and I wasn't interested in a relationship, so we parted ways with the memory of that night to treasure. I thought that was that, and finally doing it would get it out of our system. But again, after a few days, we were drawn to each other again. We've been going back and forth since. We've had sex a total of 4 times. Each time, it's so unbelievably good. I can cum from him just looking at me. Sadly, after each time, we both regret it. I regret being with an attached man, he regrets cheating on his girlfriend. I've been trying very hard not to contact him, not to go by the restaurant, but alas, I have no willpower. I have an extremely strong sex drive, and he just exudes sex to me. Our last time was this past Wednesday. I left in the morning, asking him what he wanted. He said he didn't know at the moment (I was lying on top of him), but he's sure later in the day he's going to want us to stop doing this. I tell him, okay, if that's what you want. He has a lot more to lose than I do. So last night I go by the restaurant with a friend (I have a lot of other friends that work there and it's my "neighborhood bar"). I see him, avoid eye contact, don't talk to him, resist texting him (which we usually do). At the end of the night, it was very hard for me to leave without sending him a message, basically something like "Can I come over tonight?" But he told me he wanted to stop. It took all my willpower, but I left and came home. Went to bed, and then at 5:30am he calls me, slightly drunk, and says the dirtiest things to me over the phone as he's lying in bed. I don't know what to do. I want this man so bad! I need to stop. It's complicated. It's messy. In fact, he's moving in with her next week. Basically, I'm asking, how do you stop such a strong, fierce, overwhelming attraction? I tried distracting myself by going on dates, but the whole time I'm thinking "this doesn't have the same chemistry I have with Jack." It's driving me crazy. How does one shake such attraction? I know I should avoid/ignore him. Don't take his calls. Don't respond to his texts. Don't initiate. But how do I not do something when I want that something so bad. Some of my friends are telling me "all's fair in love and war" and that if I want him, go after him. But at the same time, it seems way too scheming and messy to go after an attached man. Yet the other option, forget about him, isn't coming so easily. Any advice, anything, would be helpful.