schlingel

inviting her to this site was the kiss of death. i'm now cheating on her and gossiping behind her back. ouch! since she was reluctant to come to the site, i did a couple cut/paste jobs during our friday chat...and got the silent treatment until yesterday. she's hurt, sad and confused. so before this gets too one-sided, let me set the record straight on some key points, as she calls them: 1. the five year reference was only an estimate on my part as to the first time she ever criticized my, um, condition. i didn't mean constantly for the past 5 years 2. she says she was only doing it to be hurtful because we were arguing. she also says she only said it because i had told her secretly before that i had feared her lack of sex drive was my fault, my size. so, having confided that insecurity in her, well, what better weapon to use later. also keep in mind, from the point it began, it was NOT only during arguments she would make the snide comments. there were plenty of instances during foreplay and playful banter; she would use the peanut reference. 3. she does say now that she is sorry, she has embarked on a new campaign of excess flattery, so much so it's almost sarcasm. i'm getting compliments from her now that would make peter north jealous. this again, puts the spotlight on a supposedly obvious non-issue. #2 is key because of my need to understand her “change” in attitude towards sex. let me say this, there was nothing missing in her sex drive when we met (she was married at this point 5 years - probably TO peter north!) and even after we were first married. but soon it became clear to me that something was missing. thus, i began a quest that has led me here - from porn, to toys, to offers of letting her explore her sexuality with anyone, anything she desired. in my mind it was a genuine desire to understand the calamity of our sex life, to her a sick obsession. eventually, she would win and i would end up posting my findings to forums like this – “gossiping” with you all. i also want to mention a few factors, while somewhat personal, might shed some light on this situation. i want it known that we are both successful, career oriented people. i have a phd in mechanical engineering and she has her mba in marketing. we have traveled extensively and are generally happy and friendly - to include our children. we aren’t some back-woods couple fighting over the remote day-in day-out. now having said that, the bedroom is the only exception. i've spent 20 years analyzing problems and formulating solutions, but this is one riddle i can't solve. the lesson learned, guys (and gals i suppose): be real careful when you get into a relationship and really open yourself to your SO to those personal demons - areas that are better left private. had i never speculated on an issue, which as i’ve been told is not my business in the first place, she never would have had such devastating ammunition. signing off, and thanks for all the advice, eddy

i'm bowing out of this one. i'm just too out of phase on this one - like 180 degrees. i cant even imagine NOT sharing these things with my wife. what is there to be gained by holding back? and yes, given the right yoga instruction, i would suck myself off in a heartbeat - solves so many issues. good luck

you gotta be kiddin. give me some lotion and 2 min in the bathroom, and i'm good. it's been that way for a while. geez, i hope this isn't coming acrooss as pathetic as is sounds, but it's where am at right now. and for the record, my wife really is a great person and i love being with her (bedroom notwithstanding). i'm just struggling with balancing between spicing things up and being a perv/sicko/whatever to her. as for counseling, i'm kinda thinking that's gonna be a stretch (i've asked before). but i'll keep pounding away

wow, this is my first reply to someone else. all i can say is, he's missing out. i'm in the exact opposite situation and i don't know how i'd survive without masturbating. i know first hand you cannot force that upon someone. it's a talent of sorts and no matter how you spin it, you'll "never understand" the lack of interest. it's sad and can be very discouraging, but tell her to hang in there with her SO. this mediating thing is very interesting though. how did you arrange that? was it awkward - more so than it sounds? i might benefit from your insight myself.

I thank you all for the support and I think this last makes the most sense - therapy. but, I must say I wasn't necessarily looking for encouragement for me and my “condition”, but rather what this all means in relationship to my wife. What I’m most afraid of, after all these years, is that we can no longer communicate. Everyone goes through rough times and arguments, but this latest tact of hers is somewhat recent - in the past 5 years or so. Is this something that can be overcome, or in your collective opinions, does it speak to the larger (smaller, in this case) issue? Whether she is lashing out or speaking the truth, I don’t care. I just want to know if I can turn it around. I don’t pretend to be an expert in 40+ year old women and their sexual maturation. I just love sex and try to help her enjoy it – more and more Thanks again

wow! nymph, so there is one other man like me on this planet...anyway, let me give you the big picture. every time after i give her manual or oral pleasure, she always says "put it in me, now - now!" which i've interpreted to mean, "ok, let's get this over with....i'm done and there's no way in hell i'm gonna suck you now". and so it ends. but there have been rare occasions where i'm able to slip out and manually please her with a dildo and she climaxes a second time. both times (i know, how sad only twice) she has told me afterwards, "oh, i could REALLY feel it that time" of course, these are "life size" dildos and i THINK she's not aware of the switch (i believe her because both times she's really been "relaxed" enough not to notice) so i know she's capable of orgasming this way - just not with my natural endowment. so, is this something i can train her to expierence, or something I live with for the next 20+ years? and btw, i would never cheat on her to regain my ego - that's long gone.

ok, so here we are. the wife learning to masturbate, and me, well that's the last obstacle. i've been advised on this forum that i'm too bitter and possibly overbearing at times when it comes to the wife. so here it is. not so easy, but hey anonymity is bliss - or something like that. in 21 years of not being able to pleasure my wife during intercourse, i've had plenty of time to reflect on this, it comes down to size. yes, manual and oral sex gets her off - thank god, or she probably would have left me by now, but...the bottom line is (gulp), i'm no porn star. i'm waaaay less than average at, maybe 4 inches - rock hard (that is if the stars are aligned and the ruler is defective, but nonetheless significantly sub-par). now before you start in with "size doesn't matter", consider this: a) she's been married before (5 years and 11 days before me), we've both seen enough in the real world to know the definition of 'small' and c) she's told me herself. now c) is very hard to imagine, so let me explain. she now claims it was only to be mean, during arguments and such - which there have been plenty of in 20+ years. but i know the truth. many times in recent years (until now, now that i finally said how hurtfull i find it) she has referred to me as peanut or pencil. specifically, "it's such a peanut" or "it feels like a pencil". now, when it started, i kinda got off on the humiliation of it - i mean, what choice did i have. but now, as i reflect on it, it really breaks my heart. i've tried to be the best husband/father i can be, and though she tells me it was merely lashing out, i know the truth. so, i've tried every toy on the market - dildos, vibrators, even strap-ons (not real comfortable btw) and still nothing. i want to please her, but that's just not gonna happen during intercourse. is there anything you guys (yeah, right) have come across that might bridge this gap? this is why i have SERIOUSLY considered, and offered to her, the possibility of a 3-way/swapping/lesbo/whatever experience to get past this. bottom line: i love my wife and hate coming up short (ok, pun intended) in bed. any ideas?

ok all, i'll try again. i hope she takes me up on the offer. i really enjoy the openness on this site. let's see what happens. thanks!

Thurisas my bad. i didn't mean to imply that every one was a desparate housewife here. i'm just rying to get her past the idea that this is some hi-tech swingers club. and yes, i've invited her to the site and given her the url - she's just not interested - at all!

well all, now i've done it. i tried to be open and honest and explain to the wife what this site is about and how it really has helped (we're up to a total of 4 times, 3 just this week! - but who's counting). no dice. she claims it's as bad as cheating, with y'all. strange, since i've never given names or personal info, i think its silly that she would consider anonymous postings as cheating. so, as i see it i have two choices: do as i'm told (asked frimly) or continue w/o telling her. i really thought this was helping and its all great advice, since i really don't have other outlets, but she's against it. any ideas?

once again i'm here for no other reason. yes, the birthday came to pass and she managed another orgasm. this one as she was rushed to shower and dress for a small bday get together. here's the best part, as she is in germany, i had no option to send her a video (ref my other posting) on time. but, she didn't need it. you'll never guess what she said was even better...a sexy story - i posted btw under "sexy stories" if anyone is interested- kinda long. well, i can't believe it. all this time. i tried talking dirty on the phone, chat, email and the whole video fiasco. unreal. and she has asked for more - hell yeah! so just a quick recap: 21 years together no masturbating, then last nov first time, then monday then again last night. i can't believe this. and thanks for all the advice, it's paying off i guess. and i'm backing waaay off the pressure. as long as she's asking, i'll keep sending her stories and just wait for the news!

yoink.

my bad. you're right. i'm just so close to giving up, i'll lash out at anything. i'd like to think i can keep this up forever, but i just don't know anymore. the sad thing is, when i suggested that she come here and seek advice (like me, right?), i was told to keep that "perversion" to myself. i'm lost.

it's not so much the act itself, but the "change in attitude" towards sex in general. as i tried to explain, the past 21 years has been a contant, uphill battle. i'm not sure anyone on this forum can imagine the overwhelming lack of sexual drive my wife has. i honestly (used to) think she could do without her whole life. i'm convinced what sex we do have is out of sympathy she feels for me after seeing me deprived for days/weeks on end. really. so i feel a very big obstacle has been cleared in all this and there might be hope for us (ok me) for the next 21 years, other than expanding my private porn collection that i used to fill in the gaps in our sex life. don't worry, there is no pressure i could possibly exert to make her do anything she doesn't want to do - i've figured that out over the years. thanks for the advice

well, i can't keep up. i just got a quick email (details promise to follow), that my wife, up at 4am, dove in and pulled it off - so to speak. wow. no videos, no phone/chat sex, just her, in the dark by herself. i don't know how to express my joy and relief! what i don't know now, is how to respond. i don't want her to feel pressured to explain or convince me of anything, but i sure want to let her know i'm hard as steel at the thought! as i may tend to overdo at times, any suggestions? remember, this is the second time in possibly a lifetime (or at least in the 22 years we've been together). as i see it, this is huge! how do let her know i'm happy, proud, excited and ready for more...