[Ok, That Went Well...]

inviting her to this site was the kiss of death. i'm now cheating on her and gossiping behind her back. ouch! since she was reluctant to come to the site, i did a couple cut/paste jobs during our friday chat...and got the silent treatment until yesterday.

she's hurt, sad and confused. so before this gets too one-sided, let me set the record straight on some key points, as she calls them:

1. the five year reference was only an estimate on my part as to the first time she ever criticized my, um, condition. i didn't mean constantly for the past 5 years

2. she says she was only doing it to be hurtful because we were arguing. she also says she only said it because i had told her secretly before that i had feared her lack of sex drive was my fault, my size. so, having confided that insecurity in her, well, what better weapon to use later. also keep in mind, from the point it began, it was NOT only during arguments she would make the snide comments. there were plenty of instances during foreplay and playful banter; she would use the peanut reference.

3. she does say now that she is sorry, she has embarked on a new campaign of excess flattery, so much so it's almost sarcasm. i'm getting compliments from her now that would make peter north jealous. this again, puts the spotlight on a supposedly obvious non-issue.

#2 is key because of my need to understand her “change” in attitude towards sex. let me say this, there was nothing missing in her sex drive when we met (she was married at this point 5 years - probably TO peter north!) and even after we were first married. but soon it became clear to me that something was missing. thus, i began a quest that has led me here - from porn, to toys, to offers of letting her explore her sexuality with anyone, anything she desired. in my mind it was a genuine desire to understand the calamity of our sex life, to her a sick obsession. eventually, she would win and i would end up posting my findings to forums like this – “gossiping” with you all.

i also want to mention a few factors, while somewhat personal, might shed some light on this situation. i want it known that we are both successful, career oriented people. i have a phd in mechanical engineering and she has her mba in marketing. we have traveled extensively and are generally happy and friendly - to include our children. we aren’t some back-woods couple fighting over the remote day-in day-out. now having said that, the bedroom is the only exception. i've spent 20 years analyzing problems and formulating solutions, but this is one riddle i can't solve.

the lesson learned, guys (and gals i suppose): be real careful when you get into a relationship and really open yourself to your SO to those personal demons - areas that are better left private. had i never speculated on an issue, which as i’ve been told is not my business in the first place, she never would have had such devastating ammunition.

signing off, and thanks for all the advice,

eddy

[About My Friend]

The mediating thing was a totally accident, something was said on TV and she asked him if he'd suck him self off if he could and he said he wasn't into that sort of a thing. From there it was either play the middle man or duck and cover cause they were gonna fight about it again.

Any info i get from you guys is going to be passed on to her for her to deal with. Just so you know this is the same guy who won't allow her to have any toys. She does know that he masturbates, and she knows he likes porn, he just won't admit it or share it with her.

i'm bowing out of this one. i'm just too out of phase on this one - like 180 degrees. i cant even imagine NOT sharing these things with my wife. what is there to be gained by holding back? and yes, given the right yoga instruction, i would suck myself off in a heartbeat - solves so many issues. good luck

[Most Likely My Last Post - Too Sad, Too Embarrassing]

#1. Nobody, deserves to be belittled and degraded the way you say you have...Nobody!! It is emotional Rape, Period!

#2. It seems like you want to save the relationship...Does she?

#3. If she does, then IMHO y'all need to get involved is some serious counseling because YOU are not gonna be able to turn this around by yourself.

#4. You seem to be making this all about HER happiness and satisfaction...what about yours?

you gotta be kiddin. give me some lotion and 2 min in the bathroom, and i'm good. it's been that way for a while. geez, i hope this isn't coming acrooss as pathetic as is sounds, but it's where am at right now. and for the record, my wife really is a great person and i love being with her (bedroom notwithstanding). i'm just struggling with balancing between spicing things up and being a perv/sicko/whatever to her. as for counseling, i'm kinda thinking that's gonna be a stretch (i've asked before). but i'll keep pounding away

[About My Friend]

SO i mediated a "debate" between my best friend and her hubby today. She said he needs to masturbate more and be more into sex. He said he doesn't need t masturbate that that's why he has her and he doesn't like maturbation. I recommend that he try lube or even offered to get him a sleeve. He said he just was attracted to his hand and it didn't make sense to him. I would love to help HER by helping him see the light. When I said that masturbation is healthy and leads to s fuller sex life, he looked at me like i had two heads! I asked him how his wife is supposed to know how to please him if he can't please himself? That was it I was nuts. Any advice? She really wants to make this work and her hope is that maybe if things in the bedroom, he might be a little happier outside of it. I personally just think he's a miserabel SOB and she's better off with out him, but for the sake of their son she is trying. Please help.

wow, this is my first reply to someone else. all i can say is, he's missing out. i'm in the exact opposite situation and i don't know how i'd survive without masturbating. i know first hand you cannot force that upon someone. it's a talent of sorts and no matter how you spin it, you'll "never understand" the lack of interest. it's sad and can be very discouraging, but tell her to hang in there with her SO. this mediating thing is very interesting though. how did you arrange that? was it awkward - more so than it sounds? i might benefit from your insight myself.

[Most Likely My Last Post - Too Sad, Too Embarrassing]

Ok, here is my take on the whole situation...

First off, your wife should have realized before yalls said your I DO's, that you were not John Holmes.

She made her vows to YOU not your penis.

And she is chastising you for this? that is her fuck up, not yours.

Secondly, I applaud you for doing everything humanly possible for tryign to make your wife happy.

This is a very rare thing to find in a partner.

Thirdly, your wife has some sort of a personal isue gong on, she makes you feel like shit to make herself feel better.

Now, name calling should NEVER enter an argument.

That is rule number 1 of arguing NEVER CALL YOUR SO NAMES OR BELITTLE THEM!!

I seriously suggest some counseling or some sort of couples therapy.

I thank you all for the support and I think this last makes the most sense - therapy. but, I must say I wasn't necessarily looking for encouragement for me and my “condition”, but rather what this all means in relationship to my wife. What I’m most afraid of, after all these years, is that we can no longer communicate. Everyone goes through rough times and arguments, but this latest tact of hers is somewhat recent - in the past 5 years or so. Is this something that can be overcome, or in your collective opinions, does it speak to the larger (smaller, in this case) issue? Whether she is lashing out or speaking the truth, I don’t care. I just want to know if I can turn it around. I don’t pretend to be an expert in 40+ year old women and their sexual maturation. I just love sex and try to help her enjoy it – more and more

Thanks again

[Most Likely My Last Post - Too Sad, Too Embarrassing]

I don't have a solution, but I will say this...I dated a guy on and off for about 3 years that was smaller than that. I never, ever would have made him feel bad. I don't respect your wife for saying something like that during an argument or any other time. When I 'argue' with my hubby it's to work out an issue...not to insult him, hurt his feelings etc. So I'm sorry that she has been that way. I really hope that you'll keep posting too.

Nymph;)

wow! nymph, so there is one other man like me on this planet...anyway, let me give you the big picture. every time after i give her manual or oral pleasure, she always says "put it in me, now - now!" which i've interpreted to mean, "ok, let's get this over with....i'm done and there's no way in hell i'm gonna suck you now". and so it ends. but there have been rare occasions where i'm able to slip out and manually please her with a dildo and she climaxes a second time. both times (i know, how sad only twice) she has told me afterwards, "oh, i could REALLY feel it that time" of course, these are "life size" dildos and i THINK she's not aware of the switch (i believe her because both times she's really been "relaxed" enough not to notice) so i know she's capable of orgasming this way - just not with my natural endowment. so, is this something i can train her to expierence, or something I live with for the next 20+ years? and btw, i would never cheat on her to regain my ego - that's long gone.

[Most Likely My Last Post - Too Sad, Too Embarrassing]

ok,

so here we are. the wife learning to masturbate, and me, well that's the last obstacle. i've been advised on this forum that i'm too bitter and possibly overbearing at times when it comes to the wife. so here it is. not so easy, but hey anonymity is bliss - or something like that. in 21 years of not being able to pleasure my wife during intercourse, i've had plenty of time to reflect on this, it comes down to size. yes, manual and oral sex gets her off - thank god, or she probably would have left me by now, but...the bottom line is (gulp), i'm no porn star. i'm waaaay less than average at, maybe 4 inches - rock hard (that is if the stars are aligned and the ruler is defective, but nonetheless significantly sub-par). now before you start in with "size doesn't matter", consider this: a) she's been married before (5 years and 11 days before me), we've both seen enough in the real world to know the definition of 'small' and c) she's told me herself. now c) is very hard to imagine, so let me explain. she now claims it was only to be mean, during arguments and such - which there have been plenty of in 20+ years. but i know the truth. many times in recent years (until now, now that i finally said how hurtfull i find it) she has referred to me as peanut or pencil. specifically, "it's such a peanut" or "it feels like a pencil". now, when it started, i kinda got off on the humiliation of it - i mean, what choice did i have. but now, as i reflect on it, it really breaks my heart. i've tried to be the best husband/father i can be, and though she tells me it was merely lashing out, i know the truth.

so, i've tried every toy on the market - dildos, vibrators, even strap-ons (not real comfortable btw) and still nothing. i want to please her, but that's just not gonna happen during intercourse. is there anything you guys (yeah, right) have come across that might bridge this gap? this is why i have SERIOUSLY considered, and offered to her, the possibility of a 3-way/swapping/lesbo/whatever experience to get past this. bottom line: i love my wife and hate coming up short (ok, pun intended) in bed. any ideas?

[I'm Busted, Should I Have To Give Up Posting?]

ok all,

i'll try again. i hope she takes me up on the offer. i really enjoy the openness on this site. let's see what happens.

thanks!

[I'm Busted, Should I Have To Give Up Posting?]

Are you sure she's not misunderstanding the nature of the site? You really should invite her to look here for herself and ask her to decide after she's taken a look around. We're a helpful bunch and very much here to help and give info. We're certainly not looking for any type of relationships here outside of a possible friendship or twelve. I think she needs to understand that before she passes judgement.

Randy.

Thurisas

my bad. i didn't mean to imply that every one was a desparate housewife here. i'm just rying to get her past the idea that this is some hi-tech swingers club. and yes, i've invited her to the site and given her the url - she's just not interested - at all!

[I'm Busted, Should I Have To Give Up Posting?]

well all, now i've done it. i tried to be open and honest and explain to the wife what this site is about and how it really has helped (we're up to a total of 4 times, 3 just this week! - but who's counting). no dice. she claims it's as bad as cheating, with y'all. strange, since i've never given names or personal info, i think its silly that she would consider anonymous postings as cheating. so, as i see it i have two choices: do as i'm told (asked frimly) or continue w/o telling her. i really thought this was helping and its all great advice, since i really don't have other outlets, but she's against it.

any ideas?

[Quick Update On The Wife, The Fun Continues]

once again i'm here for no other reason. yes, the birthday came to pass and she managed another orgasm. this one as she was rushed to shower and dress for a small bday get together. here's the best part, as she is in germany, i had no option to send her a video (ref my other posting) on time. but, she didn't need it. you'll never guess what she said was even better...a sexy story - i posted btw under "sexy stories" if anyone is interested- kinda long.

well, i can't believe it. all this time. i tried talking dirty on the phone, chat, email and the whole video fiasco. unreal. and she has asked for more - hell yeah! so just a quick recap: 21 years together no masturbating, then last nov first time, then monday then again last night.

i can't believe this. and thanks for all the advice, it's paying off i guess. and i'm backing waaay off the pressure. as long as she's asking, i'll keep sending her stories and just wait for the news!

[Cokking Class]

yoink.

[Wife Is Asking For Help]

The reason I asked if you are giving her oral is this quote by you.

"she has asked me to find somethng similar to a scene in "boston babydolls #16", where the first scene goes a good 8-10 minutes of the guy bringing the girl to climax. not all oral, but enough.

but for this scene, i would call it real, amatuer footage of the woman having an orgasm at the hand/tongue of her lover (w/o the overdone audio track moaning and close-up gushing).

People tend to want to watch things that they don't get alot of or that really turn them on, otherwise why watch it?

No one was saying you didn't give enough, but your post led me to believe that she isn't.

And yes we do hear resentment in your posts. Your above words of "and it's not just the number of times, but the effort that goes into it (we're talking 20-40+ minutes some times). by comparison, my bj's end after about 90 seconds, and i'm reaching down to finish it off." sound to me like you're resentful.

People here are only trying to help.

my bad. you're right. i'm just so close to giving up, i'll lash out at anything. i'd like to think i can keep this up forever, but i just don't know anymore. the sad thing is, when i suggested that she come here and seek advice (like me, right?), i was told to keep that "perversion" to myself. i'm lost.

[Too Late On The Videos]

Just tell her that your happy for her and that you ready for more when she is. I don't get it though, why are you so intent on making her masterbate? I know it's good for her and all but, maybe it's just not her thing? and if she was resistant before or just not into it, doing it for your sake won't help much. I do hope you guys work things out though. just my .02 cents.

it's not so much the act itself, but the "change in attitude" towards sex in general. as i tried to explain, the past 21 years has been a contant, uphill battle. i'm not sure anyone on this forum can imagine the overwhelming lack of sexual drive my wife has. i honestly (used to) think she could do without her whole life. i'm convinced what sex we do have is out of sympathy she feels for me after seeing me deprived for days/weeks on end. really. so i feel a very big obstacle has been cleared in all this and there might be hope for us (ok me) for the next 21 years, other than expanding my private porn collection that i used to fill in the gaps in our sex life.

don't worry, there is no pressure i could possibly exert to make her do anything she doesn't want to do - i've figured that out over the years.

thanks for the advice

[Too Late On The Videos]

well, i can't keep up. i just got a quick email (details promise to follow), that my wife, up at 4am, dove in and pulled it off - so to speak. wow. no videos, no phone/chat sex, just her, in the dark by herself. i don't know how to express my joy and relief! what i don't know now, is how to respond. i don't want her to feel pressured to explain or convince me of anything, but i sure want to let her know i'm hard as steel at the thought! as i may tend to overdo at times, any suggestions? remember, this is the second time in possibly a lifetime (or at least in the 22 years we've been together). as i see it, this is huge! how do let her know i'm happy, proud, excited and ready for more...

[Wife Is Asking For Help]

Eddy, sounds like you have some resentment at her efforts. I don't know the whole story, but has she been on here? Are there issues between you two, other than the sexual ones?

no, i'm just taken aback that someone might suggest i dont give enough oral/manual stimulation. and it's not just the number of times, but the effort that goes into it (we're talking 20-40+ minutes some times). by comparison, my bj's end after about 90 seconds, and i'm reaching down to finish it off. i know i should be more diplomatic in my expressions - sorry.

[Wife Is Asking For Help]

sounds like she likes amateur and oral? She seems to be getting off on the oral. Do you do that for her?

are you kidding? that's all we do outside the 5 min quickie, get it over with style of hers. unless shes in the middle of a half-ass bj i beg for- where i end up doing 90% of the work. honestly, i'd rather jack off in the bathroom.

[Wife Is Asking For Help]

ok, i give up wandering why, but the wife has decided to go ahead once again and try to pleasure herself. for new readers, this is suspected to be only the second time in her life, for repeat readers - the saga continues.

i know now that she needs some visual stimulation, because she asked me for it. she has asked me to find somethng similar to a scene in "boston babydolls #16", where the first scene goes a good 8-10 minutes of the guy bringing the girl to climax. not all oral, but enough. at that point the film turns into the same 99% standard of money-shot madness. but for this scene, i would call it real, amatuer footage of the woman having an orgasm at the hand/tongue of her lover (w/o the overdone audio track moaning and close-up gushing).

And although the quick answer is a lesbian flick, that's not for her. again, i know because i asked her.

So, does anyone have any suggestions? Btw, this "occurrence" will be her bday this upcoming week, so i need a smokin fast turn-around on this.

[Women Should Masturbate]

Funny you should mention the "Tickle His Pickle" book as I just put it in my shopping cart yesterday. I would love to get this for my wife as she could use a little help in that department, but she usually gets mad at me (or just ignores me) if I even vaguely try to give her some pointers and I will probably chicken out on the complete order from TT since the last time that I got her some toys she cried so much that we were both miserable. I have pretty much given up on all of my fantasies (and yes, there are many ) that I desire with my wife, except for one; I absolutely refuse to give up on my first fantasy. To watch a woman (preferably my wife ) masturbate. Even though rimming/anal penetration is my greatest desire, I would be satisfied if she would just masturbate for me! I have shared my desire verbally, but she says her fingers do nothing for her so she absolutely refuses to touch herself. What is really confusing to me is that she loves using a vibe on her clit every week or so, but ONLY when we are having intercourse (Trust me on this, after 15 years together with me sneaking in at all hours day & night I have never caught her even remotely close to a compromising position). She also refuses any foreplay other than her stroking me to an erection. Weird thing is, I have fingered her to strong orgasms several times over the years, each time assuming that we have broken through only to have her close her legs each and every time that I try to touch her. I jack-off at least 10-12 times per week, how do I get my wife to join me?

did you ever get anywhere with this. as i read this, i thought that maybe i had posted this in my sleep. this is me, i mean, this is us. 21 years of marriage and this is the EXACT situation with my wife. i'm ready to give up altogether - she's 46 and i'm thinking of trading her in for two 23 year olds...funny, but really very sad.

[Here We Go Again]

If she is telling the truth, and is able to do this away from you, and can't with you, she's as the others have said, not comfortable with her sexuality to do it in front of you. Why I don't know either. My husband knows I do, I do it in front of him, and we have nights when he needs a break from sex, and I will tell him that I want my orgasm and will masturbate with him beside me, fully aware and he'll help me out. I know for me, it's because I'm totally comfortable in front of him.

If she is having an affair, and don't assume she is, I would not continue to give her the green light, I think that's asking for trouble. But that's my .02 cents.

I would be honest and just talk to her about it. What does she say is the reason when you ask her why she won't on front of you?

thanks to all for all the input. ironically to answer your question "what does she say..." - she says thats what i'm for. remember, during foreplay, sex, afterplay she will not touch herself in any way. i don't think she's uncomfortable in front of me. she'll do some crazy things with me from time to time (toys, videos), but never anything to or for herself. until now! 10,000+ miles away.

as for the green light you're (and everyone else is) probably right. i just thought if it took something extreme to get her to change i would be all for it. married 21 years now i'm not too concerned about her running off with someone else. besides, i wanted her to know that i'm comfortable and secure in our marriage and that she has every opportunity available. don't get me wrong. i'm not trying to push her in any one direction, but i don't want to close any doors either.

keep in mind the true nature of my dismay. in 22 years she has never once orgasmed during sex. i know this, because after a few years you start to track things like this - there goes the ego. but, she can only climax when i stimulate her clit manually. and yes we've talked about it and she quotes the fact that 70% of women (maybe it's 90% - i never really listen anymore) are this way. bottom line is, i'm ok with that, and have been for some time. until 6 months ago when this started. now magically she's off to the races by herself and i'm still in the gate.

[Here We Go Again]

well, 6 months later and here i am again. the last time i wrote, the wife was overseas and gave "me" a birthday present - she crawled into bed with a porn I had sent her and proceeded to masturbate - presumably (and i believed it) for the first time ever. well, she returned stateside briefly (3 months) and has since returned overses for another 6 months. while she was home, sex was better than before, certainly great at first, but the high hopes i had for renewed bedroom energy after 21 years soon waned. so much so, that her latest departure was clearly more painful for me than for her. now, 6 weeks into the repeat assignment (yes, back to all the same "co-workes"), there is again talk of a birthday (hers this time) gift for me next week. so here's my question. how is it that when we're together she wont even look at or touch herself, but upon separation she becomes someone else? or am i just kidding myself and she's just telling me what i want (and I really wanted) to hear? lastly, and most cynical of all, what if this is all being caused by the unthinkable; shes sexually active over there with someone else - and this odd behavior is the aftermath? and don't get me wrong, that wouldn't be so bad if she was exploring/expanding her sexuality - i just don't want to be the last to know. and i've told her as much, kind of given my conditional blessing so to speak. i just have no clue here. any ideas?

[What Does This Mean]

In over 20 years my wife and I remain very close and open, so what I’m about to describe is most likely the truth. My wife has never masturbated ever. Prior to our marriage, maybe but I doubt it. I know it sounds strange, but I actually believe this. She won't touch it in bed; she's just not that way. Maybe we're not as close and open as I believe and she plays with it daily and I’m just missing it - again, highly unlikely. Now it's never really been an issue and as she says, "that's what you're for", and that's just fine with me. Since 1987 it's been this way, until last week. Now understand a unique circumstance we have now. She has been overseas since august and returns home this month. So we're physically separated by thousands of miles and for this long, well it's a new situation. We talk/email daily and neither of us would ever cheat - well again with at least what I believe to be true. So last week for my birthday she decides to "do something" for me (yeah right). Now a couple times since she’s been gone I’ve slipped a porn DVD or two to here hoping she would watch them. And as usual the answer is no, I didn't like it, I threw it away, on and on - but not this time. When I call here late that evening she tells me that she watched it and it "wasn't that bad" and even made her feel tingly "down there". Remember, she's very shy about her body and doesn't talk about it at all unless were in the bedroom. But then, she hangs up and as I’m told the next day, she gets in bed with the laptop, replays the DVD and masturbates. She tells me she actually came at her own hand. She has gone to great lengths to convince me that she did this. Now she contends it was "no big deal" and for anyone else it isn't. Hell I’m a self-pleaser extraordinaire. But for her, this was huge. This particular DVD she watched has a prolonged first seen of a guy going down on the woman and actually brings her to orgasm before the rest of the action ensues. She has also commented previuosly that these scenes are always cut short – which is pretty much always the case. In fact, only a few weeks back the film I sent her she watched and made mention that you “almost GET to see the woman cum”. So I’m now on the hunt for this type of porn and am struggling to find anything like this. So now my questions:

Is it the Cunnilingus that she enjoys or the actual orgasm at the end? I’m hoping there is some generalization of women that can help me understand.

Is there any hope that this could be pointing towards lesbian tendencies? Of course I’ve asked and the answer is a resounding no.

I’m really trying to get her to open up, but after 20 years, I could use some advice.

[Porn For The Wife]

ok i need some advice. after 21 years of trying different types of porn to get my wife interested, i've come full circle back to straight guy/girl. the wife finally responded to a film where the woman is actually brought to an orgasm before the fucking begins. it's maybe only 5 minutes long and is seemingly sincere. as we all know, that scene usually runs for 20 seconds and the girl gets flipped over and it's off to the races. i tried girl on girl, but that was no good. are there any reccomendations for this type of (slightly boring in my opinion, but porn is porn) films? also, are there any catchy terms for this type? is this femdom?