snakeman

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... 'You want..... Garlic Chicken with steam vegable? '

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they got over enthusiastic on the bacardi breezers and, incredibly drunk, were walking home when they needed a 'wee' break. So they stopped in a nearby cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would just take off her underwear and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of undies and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it. So she proceeded to dry herself with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!" "Thats nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bottom that read; "From all of us at the Fire Station we'll never forget you!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crisssssssco Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle 3. The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere" The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?" The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?" "Lard ass."

a 85 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup before he left, the doctor handed him a glass jar and said, Herman take this home and bring it back with a seamen sample. the next day Herman returned to the doctor and the jar was just as empty and cleaned as it was when the doc had given it to him.Doctor said Herman why did'nt you bring me a sample like I asked . Herman replied, well I tried with my right hand and nothing , I tried with my left hand and nothing so then I had my wife try, she tried with both hands and nothin, then she tried with her teeth in, nothin, then she tried with her teeth out and nothin, so we called our next door neighbor Arlene she tried under her armpit, between her legs and still nothin.Dang the doctor replied you got your neighbor involved. Herman replied HELL yea coudn't none of us get the damn lid off the jar!!!!!!!!!!

ELEVEN MINUTES A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Friends email them to me.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

Redneck Vacation Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Debbie sticks her ass in it."

Good for you. Do you still have the pic of you holding the snake? If I could see the pic I could tell you what kind it was. Hollywood, How far do you live from Atlanta GA ? We are having a Reptile Show March 1st and 2nd in Atlanta GA. http://www.repticon.com/atlanta/ Pappy, you are right about that. I would have told that guy at the bait shop the same thing.

Welcome to the site.

Welcome to the site.

Welcome, I am glad you got out of that abusive relationship.

Welcome to the site. I know you will find it helpful.

Ginger, There are thousands of people in the US that keep snakes, Non Venomous and Venomous. I have both. Valntyn, What kind of snake did you hold? Was it at a Reptile Show? Pappy, Nice to see you have kept some Venomous snakes. Mojave's have very potent venom. Gopher snakes make very nice pets. A lot of people are afraid of snakes. But I have gotten a lot of people to over come that fear and at least touch one. I have bred a few in the past. In a year or two I hope that my pair of Womas will bred. But I do co promote Reptile Shows in the Southeast. Hollywood, Sorry you had your first one stolen. I know what you mean by having to get another one. Have you ever been to a Reptile Show?

Yes live ones, LOL. No problem keeping them away from you. You do know the best way to over come your fears is to face them, right?

To start with I go by Snakeman because that's my hobby. I have been keeping snakes for about 37 years now. I'm 49 years old and have been married for 27 years. We have a daughter she is 23. We have been looking around the forum for a few days now, so I decided to introduce myself. Sorry it's short but I'm not one to talk a lot.